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Transcript of ¡Amigos!

Transcript of "¡Amigos!"
Written by: Brad Copeland

Season Two, Episode Three

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Malik Yoba as Ice
Mo Collins as Starla
Mae Whitman as Ann Veal
Judy Greer as Kitty Sanchez
BW Gonzalez as Lupe
Justin Lee as Annyong
Martin Mull as Gene Parmesan
Jamie Kaler as Fireman
Alejandro Patino as Mexican man #1
Joseph A. Nunez as Lupe's brother
Eli Vargas as Mexican teenager


The following is the transcript of the Season Two episode "¡Amigos!". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"¡Amigos!" was written by Brad Copeland


Narrator: Michael Bluth arrived at work to find his brother adjusting to his new job as President.

G.O.B.: One second.

Michael: What do you got there? “Don’t be afraid to make...”

G.O.B.: I’m not going to beat myself up over that.

Michael: So, I wrote your “Message from the President” on the shareholder’s statement. Starla’s making copies.

G.O.B.: Did I tell you that she’d make a great secretary?

Michael: Yeah. I’m not so sure that hiring her wasn’t a mistake.

G.O.B.: And I’m not afraid to make mistakes. Or have you forgotten to read this little... Damn it! My legs are so powerful.

Michael: So I thought you might want to read it seeing as how you are the President now, even though it’s just a title.

G.O.B.: Right... yes, Well, we should “circumverent union penalties.”

Michael: Circumvent.

G.O.B.: Circumverate...

Michael: “Circumvent.” It means “to go around.”

G.O.B.: The old “reach around.”

Michael: Trust me. This makes you look like a leader, okay?

G.O.B.: I don’t think I need any help with that. Bleep this. Leave it where it is.

Michael: Now, if you just flip...

Starla: Here are the copies.

Michael: Hey, these are, these are very small.

Starla: When you said wanted photocopies, I thought that you meant you wanted them on a photo printer.

Michael: Tell you what. From now on, we’re going to use just the big printer.

Starla: Okay, you’re a perfectionist. Flashes of Quincy.

Narrator: Starla claimed to have had a relationship with music legend Quincy Jones.

Michael: Mr. President, I’m going to go look into some Legoland tickets for the weekend.

G.O.B.: Cool, let’s do it.

Michael: Actually, I just meant me and my son.

G.O.B.: Isn’t he a little old for that?

Michael: No. Sorry, I’ve been looking to get some alone time with him and it just hasn’t seemed to work out lately.

G.O.B.: Fine. No problem. I’ll just call up some of my friends. What?

Michael: What friends?

G.O.B.: I’ve got friends, Michael. I just don’t talk to them, because I work all the time. I think the plant lady’s wearing a thong.

Lucille: Michael, this is your office now?

Michael: Yeah. Well, it’s temporary. We got to make sure G.O.B. look like he’s in charge.

G.O.B.: Oh, please, allow me. I’ll just circumvrent you.

Lucille: Let’s make sure we don’t give him any real power. So, I got a call today from Gene Parmesan, our private eye. He said he found something big.

Michael: We have a private eye, huh?

Lucille: Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.

Michael: Well, he can’t be very good then. What did he find?

Lucille: He said he wanted to tell us in person.

Gene Parmesan: Don’t get up. Oh, I just-a find-a the supplies because I’m-a... Private Detective, Gene Parmesan. How are you doing?

Lucille: Oh, Gene! Oh, Gene! Isn’t he the best?!

Narrator: Gene was far from the best.

Michael: Very impressive.

Gene Parmesan: Thank you.

Michael: What did you find? Gene Parmesan: Oh, nothing. Just your father’s getaway car.

Michael: You’re kidding.

Narrator: Michael’s father had used the family’s stairway vehicle to escape from prison.

Michael: If I could find Dad, I’d be off the hook. I could be president again. Where is it?

Gene Parmesan: Mexico. You get the country for free. The city, that’s going to cost you.

Fireman #2: That’s a $200 fine.

Michael: Oh!

Gene Parmesan: I’m sorry, I feel like such an bleep. The car’s in a town called Encanta. If you think that’s worth more than $200, I’d really appreciate it. I’m not even going to count it.

Lucille: You can leave tomorrow after my going away party for Buster. I still can’t believe he’s going into the Army. You know he’s doing it just to spite me.

Michael: Then why are you throwing him a party?

Lucille: Just to spite him.

Michael: You guys have such a healthy thing going. Okay, I’ll go to your party and then I’ll go to Mexico. I guess that’ll be my quality time with my son.

G.O.B.: Mexico?

Michael: Yeah. Mom’s P.I. found the staircar down there.

G.O.B.: Gene Parmesan?

Gene Parmesan: Right here.

Lucille: Ahh!

Gene Parmesan: I counted. Come on! Narrator: And that’s when G.O.B. became suspicious that Michael had only made him President to stick him with a failing business while Michael himself escaped to Mexico to be with his Father. And so, inspired by his mother’s private detective...

G.O.B.: “Ice.”

Narrator: ...he decided to hire someone to keep an eye on his brother.

G.O.B.: I think I might have someone who’s going to cirsumvrent the law.

Narrator: And Michael returned home, eager to tell his son of their trip.

Michael: George Michael, what do you say you and I take a little road trip down to Mexico tomorrow, right after Buster’s party?

George Michael: Oh, I can’t; I’m meeting Ann.

Michael: Who? George Michael: Ann. You took this picture of us in front of that bagel place before it was burned down.

Michael: I guess I thought she was with another family.

George Michael: She’s kind of my girlfriend.

Michael: Her?

George Michael: Do you not like her?

Michael: I don’t know her, you know? It’s like you spend all your time with her. It’s like you’re hogging her. Like you’re a little Ann hog, okay? Don’t be such an Ann hog. We’re going to go to Mexico, try to find Papa. It’ll be an adventure.

Tobias: And 8:01. Curtain has risen.

Michael: Hey, Tobias, I was wondering if you are available tomorrow to go down to Mexico. I need two drivers.

Tobias: Alas, I have two shows tomorrow that I am standby for the Blue Man Group. Might as well keep this makeup on, since it takes so bleeping long to get off.

Michael: Hmm. Lindsay, what about you?

Lindsay: Uh, can’t. I have a big date tomorrow.

Michael: You know, this open marriage is ridiculous. Somebody’s going to get hurt.

Maeby: The important thing is that you guys don’t lose focus on yourselves.

Tobias: You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, okay, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, I know you’re the big marriage expert. Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead. I’m sorry. That was 100% inappropriate, and I do apologize profusely. I’m... Oh...

Lindsay: Okay, look, I don’t have a date tomorrow, but why can’t you ask G.O.B. to go with you?

Narrator: Michael and G.O.B. had been to Mexico once before.

Mexican Teenager: Chiclet? Chiclet?

G.O.B.: You’re the Chiclet! Not me. Coka, coka, coka, coh!

Narrator: Unfortunately, in Mexican culture, this was a much more inflammatory gesture. Caption: “Usted baila como un hombre que vive como mujer.”

Translation: You dance like a homosexual.

Michael: I just think you and I would have a lot more fun.

Michael: Plus, you can bring Maeby.

Lindsay: You know, I’ve sensed her feeling a little left out lately.

Narrator: And the next morning, the family met at Buster’s sendoff party, where Lucille was not keeping her feelings hidden. Lucille: A camcorder. That’s so you can videotape it when they put you in a naked pyramid and point to your Charlie Browns.

Buster: I ought to point to Uncle Oscar’s Charlie Browns next time you’re on top of him, Mother.

Lucille: He’s moving out! You see how he treats me just because he thinks I’m having an affair with the boy’s uncle?

Oscar: Yes, and she’s not having an affair with the boy’s... uncle.

Buster: It’s too late for apologies. I’m going to the Army! Get me out. You’ve got to get me out.

Michael: Well, you know, I’m headed down to Mexico to try to find Dad, but when I get back, maybe we’ll try to figure something out.

Narrator: And that’s when Buster decided to sneak into Mexico to avoid the service.

Buster: Oh, no, I think it’ll be worked out by then. 

Lindsay: What was that all about?

Michael: I think Buster’s going to escape to Mexico. Did the secretary not give you the picture for Dad? I need that to show the people down there.

Lindsay: I guess she brought that over.

Michael: Well, this, uh, is a blueprint... of Dad’s face. She used the big printer; I’ll give her that. Let’s go.

Lindsay: Uh, not so fast. G.O.B., who is that man on the couch?

G.O.B.: Who, that guy? He’s my friend.

Lindsay: You don’t have friends.

G.O.B.: I have lots of friends, Lindsay.

Narrator: In fact, the man was Ice, a bounty hunter that G.O.B. hired to follow Michael.

G.O.B.: Ice may be my best friend.

Michael: George Michael.

Ice: He’s moving.

George Michael: Fun party, huh?

Michael: No, it-it isn’t. Let’s go down to Mexico.

George Michael: All right, let me grab Ann real quick.

Michael: What? Ann’s here?

George Michael: Yeah, I invited her. You-you said you wanted to spend time some with her. You said I was being an Ann hog.

Michael: Ann Hog’s coming? I mean, I thought it was just going to be ...

George Michael: It’s just Ann.

Michael: ... like, the two of us. All right, well, just load her up in the car.

George Michael: All right.

Lucille: Lupe, that sweater’s not a take-home. Michael, give her a ride home.

Michael: I’m going to have to start putting people in the trunk.

Narrator: In fact, at that moment, Buster was climbing into the trunk.

Buster: Mother, when you see this videotape, you’ll know that I left, not out of cowardice, but out of... Oh, man, it’s tired in here...

Narrator: Six minutes later, Michael dropped off his mother’s housekeeper.

Buster: Mexico.

Narrator: In fact, he was in Santa Ana, a town six minutes inland from his own. But the combination of losing his glasses and breathing carbon monoxide had impaired Buster’s judgment.

Buster: This’ll keep me safe from the hot Mexican sun.

Lupe: Hey, excuse me. What are you doing?

Buster: I’m trying to find a place to live.

Lupe: Ay, ahora tengo que cuidad para retardo.

Translation: So now I must take care of Buster.

Narrator: Michael was heading down to Mexico to find his fugitive father.

Michael: Can you believe this? This is my trip with my son, and he’s too busy whispering secrets to Ann to say one word to me.

George Michael: What was that?

Michael: Nothing. We’re not whispering secrets up here.

Lindsay: Hey, check out who’s on that Hog in the rear-view mirror.

Michael: George Michael!

George Michael: What?

Michael: 20 miles to Legoland!

G.O.B.: Yeiss! What have you got?

Ice: Still on his tail, we’re about 20 miles from Legoland.

G.O.B.: Go get him, friend.

Ice: You’re not my friend; you’re a client.

Narrator: G.O.B. realized that perhaps he really didn’t any friends. And Lucille sent hers away.

Lucille: Buster, Oscar’s leaving. You win.

Annyong: Buster get in trunk of car.

Lucille: So he’s not going to the Army? He must have had Michael sneak him into Mexico. Oh, thank God!

Oscar: It’s better this way. I’ll go unpack.

Lucille: Here’s some money. Go see a Star War. Who is it?

G.O.B.: Uh, your son.

Lucille: What?

G.O.B.: I was looking for Buster.

Lucille: He’s not here.

G.O.B.: Well, what are you doing? Maybe you want to go out, or...

Lucille: Why are you trying to get me out of the house?

G.O.B.: I just thought that we could hang out.

Narrator: Lucille was suspicious that G.O.B. was up to some sort of power grab.

Lucille: Gene Parmesan? Lucille Bluth. My son is trying to get me out of my house. I think he may be up to something. Oh, hold on. That’s probably him. Gene? It’s just some idiot with balloons.

Gene Parmesan: Oh, is it?

Lucille: Ahh! I knew it! I want you to keep an eye on my son, G.O.B.

Narrator: And Buster was finding himself right at home.

Buster: Oh, my God! I used to have a shirt just like that.

Narrator: It was Buster’s old shirt. Lucille had given it to Lupe.

Buster: And the hand chair! I had one in my room! I wonder where that went.

Narrator: It went right there.

Buster: Well, I never thought I’d miss a hand so much. You people are just like me.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in the real Mexico, Michael had found the staircar.

Michael: Oop, there it is.

Narrator: And Michael set about finding his father.

Mexican Man #1: Oh, yeah, sure, señor, no problem. When do you want us to start building?

Michael: Uh, thank you. Gracias.

George Michael: Hey, Dad? Dad?

Michael: Yeah?

George Michael: What do you think of Ann so far?

Michael: Oh, Ann? I just, you know, I barely know her, you know? Neither of us do. She’s just really some girl as far as we’re concerned, right? I-I-I’m determined to get to know her, though. Okay?

George Michael: Yeah, okay, I have an idea. When we go back, why don’t just the two of you go back in the staircar together?

Michael: Well, that’s no fun. For you. You know, you guys, you guys should be together. Uh... Or maybe just you and me, if you’d rather...

George Michael: Yeah.

Michael: Or me and Ann...

George Michael: Great! Yes! Okay! I’ll tell Maeby that I’ll be going back with her and Aunt Lindsay. Great.

Michael: Well, no, no, wait, let’s... let’s keep looking for Pop-Pop, you know?

George Michael: Okay.

Michael: Maybe somebody in the church will know something.

Narrator: In fact, George Sr. was in the church where he was mourned by his longtime assistant and accomplice to his escape, Kitty, as only a few days earlier, he’d been declared dead.

Mexican Man #2: Ay!

Narrator: But before Michael could go in...

Michael: Wait a minute. I know you. G.O.B.’s friend!

Ice: Not friend; bounty hunter.

Michael: Gene? There’s no way you’re that good.

Ice: Name’s Ice. G.O.B. hired me to stop you from fleeing the country.

Michael: Come... What? You’re kidding me? I’m not fleeing the country. I’m here looking for my father. But you’re obviously better at this kind of thing, so I’ll tell you what. I’m going to continue paying you to find my father. You can also collect a real bounty on his head.

Ice: Nice deck. Is this where you saw him last?

Michael: No, this-that’s actually him. He’s much smaller in real life.

Ice: I could see that’s a man. I’ll find him.

Michael: Lucky.

Lindsay: What did he say? Did he ask about me? I can’t believe he followed us all the way to Mexico.

Michael: Uh, that’s a bounty hunter, and he’s on the case, so we can all head home.

Lindsay: So... he’s not interested in me?

Michael: Not unless you know where Dad is. George Michael.

Lindsay: Oh, hi, Dad. Yeah, they think you’re in Mexico. I’ll see you when I get home. Oh, yes, thank you, no. I found my birth control pills. Thanks for asking, Dad.

Narrator: Maeby had had enough of her mother and decided to go back with Michael.

Maeby: I’m so sick of her. The lame flirting...

Narrator: Michael, of course, thought Maeby was referring to Ann.

Michael: You know, I think he’s going to get sick of her before it goes too far.

Maeby: Of course, he will. She’s a child.

Michael: Well, that part’s not really her fault. I-I just hate to see him wasting his time, you know?

Maeby: Let’s just go. I’ll be in your car.

Michael: Well, is George Michael okay with that?

Maeby: It’s fine. Just drive.

Narrator: At no point were Michael and Maeby talking about the same person, and there were only four people in their group.

Maeby: And it’s not a race thing.

Michael: Yeah, whoever gets there first.

Narrator: And so, Michael left with his niece... followed by his sister and his son... followed by the bounty hunter. Unfortunately, this left the girl Michael was determined to get to know alone in Mexico. Meanwhile, Buster was adapting to life in what he thought was Mexico but was, in fact, a town so close to home that they shared a paper boy.

Paperboy: I know that guy. Hey! Where’s your mother?

Buster: Oh, I love this way of life. This is where I belong. I love being Mexican.

Lupe's Brother: We must work now, amigo, adios.

Buster: Oh, no, no, no, I’m going with you. I am one of you now. Sí?

Lupe's Brother: Love it! Love it!

Maeby: I mean, why does everyone have to date, anyways?

Michael: Right, I mean, isn’t family enough for people? And, you know, not to feel sorry for myself, but it’s like I’m being forgotten here.

Narrator: And soon, they all arrived at home.

Lindsay: Hey! You’re here already.

Michael: Yeah, we won.

George Michael: So, uh, you guys have a good talk?

Michael: Yeah, great talk. That cousin of yours is a hell of a girl. It’s too bad you can’t date her.

George Michael: No, I meant... Wait, you wouldn’t have a problem with that? Nothing! No, I was talking about Ann. What’d you think of her?


Narrator: Michael had just discovered he’d left his son’s girlfriend in Mexico.

Michael: She’s going to be fine. We’ve just got to beat the sun. Hey, you think I’m happy about this? But, hey, we are getting that trip together we wanted, though, huh? And look, two exits to Legoland.

George Michael: I just want to find Ann.

Michael: That’s my whole thing, too.

Narrator: And G.O.B. was still searching for a friend.

G.O.B.: Show tonight?

Tobias: Well, I won’t know officially until 8:01. But I figured if I blue myself early, I’d be nice and relaxed for a 9:00 dinner reservation.

Tobias: And if you’d like, I could make that reservation for...

G.O.B.: Looking for some company, or...?

Lindsay: I sure am. What are you doing? You’re going to scare away the Ice.

G.O.B.: Ice?! Ice’s out there? Where’s Michael?

Lindsay: He went back to Mexico.

G.O.B.: I knew he was trying to flee!

Lindsay: Where the hell did he go?

Tobias: Oh!

Lindsay: Ice! What are you doing?

Ice: George Bluth, you’re coming with me.

Lindsay: That’s not my father.

Ice: Well, according to my photograph, it is.

Tobias: It’s an honest mistake. Also, I think your knee is on my heart.

Lindsay: He’s my husband. My father is probably still in Mexico. I was just hoping to have sex with you.

Tobias: Why am I not blacking out?

Ice: He set me up. Michael set me up.

Tobias: Hey, who wants to go to the hospital?

Narrator: And Buster went to his job as a dishwasher.

Buster: This is great! We’re like slave buddies! Oh!

Narrator: Soon, the guys arrived in Mexico and split up to find Ann.

Michael: Ann? Ann? Oh, thank God you’re all right.

Ann: Mr. Bluth?

Michael: Ann, oh, thank God you’re all right. Uh, you are Ann, right? Yes, of course you are.

George Michael: Ann!

Michael: It is!

George Michael: Oh, my...

Michael: We got her. Okay. Let’s go ahead and load up in the truck. I think we’re crashing some poor guy’s wake.

G.O.B.: Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael: G.O.B.?! What are you doing?

G.O.B.: Fleeing the country, you bastard?

Michael: No, I’m still not fleeing, okay? I’m just here to pick up my son’s girlfriend. She ran off the last time we were leaving.

Ann: Actually, I was sitting right there the whole time.

George Michael: Way to plant, Ann.

Michael: George Michael, why don’t you and Plant just wait in the staircar? I’m just going to finish up with G.O.B.

George Michael: What a scare.

G.O.B.: What? That’s his girlfriend?

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: What, is she funny, or something?

Michael: Don’t, don’t worry about it. Why do you keep thinking that I’m running away?

G.O.B.: I mean, it is kind of suspicious, you didn’t even ask me to drive down here with you.

Michael: Well, the only reason I didn’t ask you to come with us is because of your chicken impression.

G.O.B.: Yeah, we sure did get in a lot of trouble for that last time, didn’t we? Oh, yeah. I was all... Coka-coka-coka-coh, yeah, baby!

Michael: No... No! Get off him! He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s American.

Gene Parmesan: Americano? A-just-a like-a me! Gene Parmesan. How you doing?

G.O.B.: Gene, what the hell are you doing?

Gene Parmesan: Well, your mother sent me to find you. She was worried you were up to something.

G.O.B.: I was just looking for a friend.

Michael: What?

G.O.B.: Yeah, that’s right, Michael. I went to our mother because I don’t have any friends.

Gene Parmesan: Oh, that’s funny.

Michael: Thank you, Gene. Can I just have a private moment, please with...?

Gene Parmesan: Okay, you’re on the clock.

Michael: Thank you. G.O.B., what are you talking about? If anybody needs a friend right now, it’s me. I mean, you know, my son’s furious at me, and he spends all of his free time with this girl that frankly, I’m not that crazy about.

G.O.B.: Not crazy about? Or not crazy about your son growing up?

Michael: Uh... uh... maybe, maybe you’re right about that. And I really haven’t gotten to know her. I’ve been a little selfish, so... See? You are a friend, you know? I’m always going to look out for you, all right? And... you’re always going to look out for me...

Ice: Ahh!

G.O.B.: Sorry, I did see him coming. It’s just... kind of wanted to see where you were going with that.

George Michael: Where’s Uncle G.O.B.?

Michael: Well, I gave the bounty hunter and the P.I. a few extra bucks to be his friends for the weekend, while the three of them are looking for my father. And I want to get to know a new friend, too. Ann, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Narrator: The next day, Buster was happy... and he decided to never go home again.

Buster: Delivery from the kitchen!

Narrator: But unfortunately, he was already there.

Buster: Mother?!

Lucille: Buster?! I thought you were in Mexico.

Buster: So did I!

Lucille: Oh!

Narrator: And the next day, Michael returned to work, knowing a little more about his son’s girlfriend.

Michael: tell Ann to make sure she studies for Mr. Mason’s Algebra Two test tomorrow. And tell her to make sure that Kim Ho doesn’t cheat off her this time.

G.O.B.: Wow. You really got to know her.

Michael: Well, we did spend three hours together in that car ride.

G.O.B.: So, what’d you think?

Michael: I don’t like her.


Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster reclaims his favorite chair but the victory is short-lived.

Buster: Make love in your own hand, Mother!


Narrator: And Tobias gets medical attention.

Lindsay: Ah, thank God. A new doctor. Finally we can get a straight answer in this place.

Gene Parmesan: Uh, I’ve got some bad news. I’m... Gene Parmesan. How you doing?

Lucille: Ahh! He got me again!

Gene Parmesan: But I did overhear that he’s bleeding internally.