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Transcript of Altar Egos

Transcript of "Altar Egos"
Written by: Barbie Adler

Season One, Episode Sixteen

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Maggie Lizer
Amy Poehler as G.O.B.'s wife
James Lipton as Stefan Gentles
Jane Lynch as Cindi Lightballoon
Michael Paul Chan as Judge Lionel Ping
Michael Bartel as Young Michael Bluth
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
Verda Bridges as Woman
Tim Starks as Bailiff
Angela Russo as Teacher


The following is the transcript of the Season One episode "Altar Egos". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Altar Egos" was written by Barbie Adler.

Act 1[]

Narrator: Michael Bluth and his family had gathered at the courthouse to discuss George, Sr.’s upcoming trial.

Barry: Do not ask me how I did it. They offered us a plea bargain.

Michael: Really? There’s a chance we don’t have to go to trial?

Barry: Absolutely, and I say we take it because we will never get an offer this good again.

Lindsay: Wow!

Michael: Great. What’s the offer?

Barry: Well, I didn’t read it. I just got it yesterday. F.Y.I., I’m trying to get back out into the dating world.


Barry: Hey, you’re not one of those silly men that’s dressed like a woman, are you?

Hooker: No, baby, I’m the real thing.

End cutaway

Michael: I don’t understand how a person can put their sex life in front of their work.

G.O.B.: He’s a man, Michael. He needs a woman.

Barry: Can we get back to work, folks? We’ve only got 24 hours to respond and no matter what this is, it is better than going to trial.

Lucille: Your father’s not here. I’ll speak for him. He loves it—he’s crazy about the plea. He’s dying to get out of that prison and be with a woman again.


Narrator: In fact, George, Sr. had a woman in his life: Cindi Lightballoon, a fan of his Caged Wisdom video series with whom he had fleeting physical contact. That morning, however, she had some startling news for him.

Cindi Lightballoon: I’m a mole.

George, Sr.: You know, God... God doesn’t care how big your teeth are. Yes, you could go to a dentist and you could, whoo... you could grind off about—I don’t know—30%. Maybe more. Yeah, I wouldn’t miss it.

Cindi Lightballoon: No, no, no—I mean I am an undercover government agent. I was sent here to investigate you. Up until last week, my being in love with you was just an act. But now I want to be with you. And I know you can beat this case they have against you. I know this for a fact.

End cutaway

George, Sr.: I want to fight this thing. I can beat it. I know it for a fact.

Lucille: We’re taking the plea.

George, Sr.: Lucille, we’re not taking a plea.

Michael: Well, we don’t know what the plea is yet.

Barry: Is that a shot at me? Because makes me want to read it all the less.

Michael: You have another one of these?

Barry: Yes, I do.

Michael: Great, we’ll both read it.

G.O.B.: You’re going to read that?

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: It’s pretty thick.

Lindsay: He thinks he’s a lawyer because he played one in the tenth grade.


Narrator: In order to satisfy an English requirement, Michael appeared in the Drama Club’s production of an original play, “The Trial of Captain Hook.”

Young Michael: / You’re a crook, Captain Hook / / Judge, won’t you throw the book at the pirate... /

End flashback

Lucille: I don’t remember that.

Michael: Well, you left during my solo. And I’m surprised my twin sister can remember that, considering she was repeating the ninth grade at the time.

Lucille: I don’t remember that.

Lindsay: Big surprise, Mom. Like you ever took an interest in our lives. Honestly, if I ever did to Maeby what you...


Narrator: Lindsay recalled that earlier that day she had received a letter from the high school about her own daughter. And so later, Lindsay and Tobias tried a more hands-on approach to parenting.

Lindsay: We would like you to tutor our daughter.

Tobias: Of course, we’re having a bit of a cash flow problem, but I assure you, if you bring our little girl’s grades up, I will pack your sweet pink mouth with so much ice cream you’ll be the envy of every Jerry and Jane on the block.

George Michael: But we’re the only house on the block.

Tobias: Perhaps we should ask somebody else.


Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, had gone to the bar across the street from the courthouse to read the plea offer.

Michael: “...not to exceed five years but no less than three...”

G.O.B.: What do you think?

Michael: I don’t know—I’m so mad at Barry I can’t even focus. That guy’s out dating? I mean, I’d love to be out dating, but I...

G.O.B.: Can’t relax?

Michael: No. I don’t have time for a relationship. This is important.

G.O.B.: I didn’t say anything about a relationship, Michael. If you’d slept with more than four women, you’d know that.

Michael: I have, G.O.B.

G.O.B.: More than five? Let’s say five. This is a courthouse bar, Michael. These are professional, aggressive women. They’re looking for nothing more than a one-night stand. No real names and no promises.

Michael: I’m not a one-night stand kind of guy. I don’t like lying to women.

G.O.B.: These are lawyers. That’s Latin for “liar.”

Michael: I can’t believe I’m still reading the same sentence. How can something be “no less than three if it exceeds six?” I mean, six’s still more than three, right?

G.O.B.: Yeah, and it’s still more than five.

Maggie: Oh! Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. I’m falling all over you.

Michael: That’s okay. Let me move down. Just working on this plea.

Maggie: Oh. Well, if you’re pleading with me to have a drink with you, you can stop begging.

Michael: No, no. It’s a plea for this case... I’m sorry, you want a drink.

Maggie: I didn’t come here for the view. I’ll have a vodka martini.

Michael: I’ll tell him.

Maggie: So, another lawyer, huh?

Michael: Vodka martini?

Maggie: I’m Maggie Lizer. As in “Maggie lies her ass off.” One person laughed at that once, and I don’t know why I keep trying it.

Michael: No, it’s good.

Maggie: What kind of law do you practice?

Young Michael: You’re a crook, Captain Hook.

Michael: Maritime. Maritime law. The lawyers of the sea.

Maggie: Ah, a submarine chaser. What’s your name?

Michael: Chareth.

Maggie: Chareth? So then what’s your last name?

Michael: Cute story.

Maggie: Cutestory?

Michael: Yes. Chareth Cutestory.

Maggie: That’s an interesting name.

Michael: Is it?


Maeby: So here’s the test that I failed.

George Michael: Oh, okay. I see the problem right away. You got all the answers wrong. You know, you even got your name wrong. It says S. Fünke.

Maeby: Yeah, well, what they want you do is put an “S” if you’re single, or an “M” if you’re married. Most of us are all single, but it’s a whole government thing.

George Michael: Yeah, okay. Well, the first thing you want to do, especially when you’re dealing with fractions...

Maeby: Yeah, so I’m gonna go, okay? So just fill in all the right answers here, and I’ll see where I went wrong. And you’re getting paid for this, right?

George Michael: There was some talk of ice cream, but not exactly on my terms. Where did you get all that? You have a job or something?

Maeby: No, but you do. Now, look, don’t feel guilty. I don’t really need tutoring anyways, okay?

Maeby: Enjoy the 200 bucks.

George Michael: There’s six twenties here.

Maeby: That’s right.

George Michael: Right.


Narrator: And after an evening of drinking, Michael, being the sensible one offered to give Maggie a ride home.

Narrator: The next morning, Michael was wondering how to end his first one-night stand.

Maggie: Coffee?

Michael: Hi. Yes, please, thank you. That’s great, But you know what? I am going to have to read that plea soon. It’s a big case. But I promise later I will call...

Narrator: Michael struggled to follow G.O.B.’s instructions to just walk away.

Michael: I’ll call. And I will. I will call. Hey, who’s this?

Maggie: Oh, that’s Justice.

Michael: Hi, Justice.

Maggie: Hi, Justice. Is he as handsome as he smells?

Michael: I didn’t know that you had a dog.

Maggie: How else am I going to get to work?

Michael: You ride a dog to work?

Maggie: You are funny. Let me see that smile.

Michael: It’s tough with your hand’s in the way.

Maggie: Say when.

Narrator: And suddenly, Michael recalled some non sequiturs from the night before.


Michael: So tell me something personal about yourself.

Maggie: Uh, well, I have an irreversible case of ocular retinoblastoma.

Michael: Hey, I thought we said no more law talk.

Another flashback

Michael: I really can’t see anybody right now.

Maggie: Well, I can’t see anybody ever.

Another flashback

Maggie: I’m blind.

Michael: I’m wasted!

End flashbacks


Narrator: Michael realized that the woman he was attempting to never see again was blind and he was overcome with guilt.

Michael: When... can we go out again?

Maggie: Really? I thought you were, like, just into this one-night stand kind of thing.

Michael: Come on. I took a blind woman home with no intention of dating her again. Please!


Narrator: George Sr. was continuing to exploit his relationship with Cindi.

George, Sr.: What-What evidence does the government have on old wise George, by the way?

Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, I hate when you call yourself old. You’re new to me!

George, Sr.: Oh, that’s-that’s nice. Do they have a-a file or tapes, or a...?

Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, what’s the use? You’re married.

George, Sr.: Yeah. L-Let me ask you...

Cindi Lightballoon: We’ll never be together.

George, Sr.: Let me ask you a question.

Cindi Lightballoon: Let’s just go back to what we do best.

George, Sr.: Okay.

Cindi Lightballoon: Tweak me.

George, Sr.: Oh.

Lucille: George!

George, Sr.: Lucille. Hi. This is not what it looks like.

Lucille: It looks like you’re tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence.

George, Sr.: Yep. Yeah, that’s it.

Lucille: Is this why you wanted to fight this thing, so you could run off with this great redwood of a whore?

George, Sr.: Listen to me. She is a fan of mine. She has seen everything I’ve done. You understand? Everything.

Lucille: Well, so have I. And I’m not going to put up with it anymore.

George, Sr.: Okay.

Lucille: You’ll be hearing from Barry.

George, Sr.: All right, hon? Honey? Hon?

Cindi Lightballoon: God, I’m a home-wrecker. I never wanted to be that person.

George, Sr.: No, no, no, no. Cindi, it’s... Cindi?


Narrator: Michael came home, upset that his one-night stand wasn’t over.

G.O.B.: You should have stayed with me last night. You could have seen me get some major action from a major blonde. Who just majored in marine biology, if you know what I mean.

Michael: I-I don’t know what you mean. I can’t imagine what that means. I actually had a pretty interesting night myself.

G.O.B.: Really? What’d you do, read the plea?

Michael: No, I didn’t have a chance to. I went home with someone.

G.O.B.: What’s wrong with her?

Michael: Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s blind.

G.O.B.: Are you serious?

Michael: I didn’t know at the time. And now I’ve got to take her and her dog to the park.

G.O.B.: You’ve got work to do. You’ve got to read that plea.

Michael: I know I got to read the plea. That’s what I was trying to do last night when you put me up to all this.

G.O.B.: No, I didn’t.

Michael: Yes, you did.

G.O.B.: I told you to walk away. I told you to give a fake name.

Michael: I did. Thanks very much. I’m Chareth Cutestory, a pirate lawyer. It was airtight.

G.O.B.: Boy, you really had to work hard to bag this blind girl, huh?

Michael: I certainly can’t take advantage of her now, knowing what I know.

G.O.B.: What? No, Michael, you can. Don’t you...? You just won the gold medal at the sexual Special Olympics. She can’t ever find you again. Don’t you see that you’re so lucky? God, how do you not...?

Michael: What’s the matter with you? Didn’t you bag some woman that you’re never going to see again?

G.O.B.: Well, I screwed up. I kind of broke a couple of my own rules last night. I... She knows that I’m G.O.B. Bluth, and... we got married.

Michael: What?

G.O.B.: Well, she was a darer. She’s one of those girls who just dares you to do things.

Michael: You married her?

G.O.B.: I needed a dare!


Narrator: What had started as an innocent flirtation had turned into a series of escalating challenges. Unfortunately, the evening was draining and the one thing they never dared each other to do was consummate the marriage.

G.O.B.: Time to seal the deal.

G.O.B.'s wife: Oh, wait, what time is it? Oh, God, seal the deal. My seal deal. I got to get to Sea Land. I’m selling five of their sickest seals to a third world zoo.

G.O.B.: Did you say seals?

G.O.B.'s wife: Yes, I told you, like, four hours ago, I sell seals! God, you ever listen to what I say?

G.O.B.: I’m sorry I don’t memorize every single word that comes out of your mouth—sometimes I just like to think. Think my thoughts.

G.O.B.'s wife: Oh, we’ll talk about this when I get home.

End flashback

G.O.B.: It was hot.

Michael: The lengths you’ll go to sleep with a woman.

G.O.B.: Believe me, we didn’t do any sleeping. I had sex last night.

Narrator: But he really didn’t.

G.O.B.: Yes, I did.


Narrator: And later, Michael arrived for his date.

Maggie: Hey...

Michael: So sorry that I’m late.

Maggie: I thought I smelled you coming.

Michael: Yeah, here I am.

Maggie: I thought so. Did you smell him? Did you smell the handsome man, Justice?

Michael: Handsome. You don’t have any evidence of handsome.

Maggie: Well, that’s true, but I can feel handsome. That feels handsomey.

Michael: All right.

Maggie: So you didn’t get a case of I-just-had-a-one-night-stand-with-a-blind-girl-itis?

Michael: No, of course not, one-night stand. Please. This is our second date now and want... And I want to see you again tonight, so, um... if it’s a one-night stand I’m not very good at it.

Maggie: But, now, listen, aren’t you busy with the trial?

Michael: Um... yes, of course, I’m very, very busy. But not too busy for you. Not too busy for a little walk right now, maybe, you and me. I’ll be your seeing-eye dog. What do you think?

Maggie: Oh!

Michael: Okay?

Maggie: Should we leave Justice here?

Michael: Um... yes, he’ll be fine. Won’t you boy? Huh?

Maggie: Justice, stay. Stay. Described this to me, Chareth. Describe to me how beautiful the park is.

Michael: Oh, I wish you could see it. It’s just beautiful. An elderly couple, walking hand in hand. They’re having a wonderful time. “Already served, not to exceed six years, but no less than three.” Uh, three years is what I give them, and then one of them dies and the other one is not too far behind him.

Maggie: I can smell right through you, Chareth. You’re reading.

Rollerblader: Leash your dog!

Michael: Uh... Yes.


Narrator: And George, Sr. was working on a roadside beautification effort brokered by Warden Stefan Gentles.

Warden Gentiles: Inmate, please.

George, Sr.: Yes, sir?

Warden Gentiles: I want you to know that last night I watched a very impressive video tape of the title Caged Wisdom. I was struck by the duel life of the spiritual man. I did very much enjoy the blooper bonus footage at the end.

George, Sr.: Oh, you know, I almost did strangle myself on my own prayer shawl.

Warden Gentiles: A self-choking for the ages.

George, Sr.: Thank you.

Warden Gentiles: There’s a Shasta can there you seem to have missed.

George, Sr.: Okay. Thank you, warden.

Narrator: Moments later, Cindi arrived.

Cindi Lightballoon: George! I had to see you. I’m sorry I left before. I just felt so awful, but I kept thinking about us. About our future.

George, Sr.: Yes, I...

Cindi Lightballoon: And I know for a fact we can have one.

George, Sr.: Okay. Whatever this is they have on me. You keep talking about a fact. You keep saying “I know for a fact.” What fact?

Cindi Lightballoon: Faith. I have faith my prayers will free you.

George, Sr.: Faith is not a fact.

Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, yes it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.


Narrator: George, Sr. had said faith is a fact. Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage.

George, Sr.: Faith is a fact. No, faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact.

End cutaway

George, Sr.: I am going to trial because you don’t understand what a blooper reel is? Guard!


Narrator: And back at the high school, George Michael ran into Maeby.

Maeby: I got an A, check it out. Great job. Take some more money. I got to go. I’m going to this fund-raiser for a sick girl, okay?

Narrator: This rang false to George Michael who knew that fund-raisers, a passion of her mother’s, were something that Maeby would avoid. And later at the courthouse...


Michael: Good afternoon.

Barry: My God, so did you read the plea? We’ve got minutes here, not hours.

Michael: I did read it, most of it. Um, I definitely, definitely read this—this first part of this first, uh, section, uh... No, did not read it.

G.O.B.: Oh, come on, Michael. How many times are you going to screw up before the rest of this family sees you as the screwup that you are.

Michael: Hey, I’m not the lawyer. Why didn’t you read it?

Barry: Excuse me, I got busy with my other clients.

Michael: What other clients?

Barry: He doesn’t know about the divorce?

G.O.B.: It’s an annulment.

Barry: Oh, I looked into that, too. You can only get an annulment if you haven’t consummated the marriage first.

G.O.B.: Well, I guess I’ll just stay married then, because we all know that I closed that deal, right?

Narrator: But he really didn’t.

Lucille: He was talking about my divorce.

Michael: Your what?

G.O.B.: You and Dad are getting divorced?

Lucille: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie, no one is fighting over you. And don’t worry about Barry reading the plea. We’ll let your father rot in prison.

George, Sr.: Take the plea. We’re taking the plea.

Lucille: We’re going to trial. You’re going to lose, and you’re going to stay in there.

Michael: That’s enough, Mom.

Lucille: For him? Nothing’s enough. You’d think a man locked up in prison would able to abstain. Your father with his disgusting tweaking. I couldn’t breast feed any of you kids because of that man.

All: Ahh!

Barry: They still look fabulous.

George, Sr.: For God’s sake, she was a government informant. This only thing I was pumping her for was information, honey.

Michael: An informant, Dad? Are you crazy? You’re going to blow this whole case.

George, Sr.: It’s blown. It’s over. It’s dead. Take the plea, get me out there.

Barry: Let’s take the plea. It’s so nice and thick.

Lucille: Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept with my sister it was for a good reason.

George, Sr.: Got you to stop drinking, didn’t it?

Michael: All right, listen, this is all getting a little crazy. We cannot accept their conditions if we don’t even know what their conditions are.

Barry: Do you want to read it?

Michael: No, it is thick. Why don’t we just take it.

Barry: I could kiss you on the [bleep].

Michael: Yeah, well—what?


Narrator: And so the family gathered in the courtroom to announce their decision.

Bailiff #2: All rise! The court is now in session. The Honorable Lionel Ping presiding.

Barry: Oh, we’ve got Ping again.

Judge Ping: Please be seated. The prosecution has offered a plea?

Maggie: We have, Your Honor.

Barry: We got Lizer!


Narrator: Yes, Maggie was the most feared prosecutor in all of Orange County.

Maggie: And therefore I would like to bring your attention to Exhibit A.

Narrator: Not because she was a particularly adept lawyer, but because she won the sympathy not only of the jury and the judge...

Maggie: And was that man in the room not you, Doctor?

Narrator: But oftentimes the defendants themselves.

Doctor: I... I was in that room.

End flashbacks

Judge Ping: Is the defense ready to respond?

Barry: What are you hiding from?

Michael: (Whispering.) You got to call this off, okay? You got to get some more time. Get more time; she can smell me. She smells everything.

Barry: Objection.

Judge Ping: What?

Barry: We haven’t read it. It’s very long, Your Honor.

George, Sr.: (Whispers.) Sit down.

Barry: We haven’t read it. We’re going to get to—I’m going to start right now.


G.O.B.: That’s the blind chick you slept with?

Barry: Michael, you’re in bed with the prosecution?

G.O.B.: It’s genius. We can get all the information we need.

Barry: Wait a minute. How will we know it’s not a trap? Maybe she’s setting you up.

Michael: It’s not a setup, okay. She gave me her real name. She said that she was a lawyer. I’m the one that lied to her. I got to go talk to her.

G.O.B.: No. Michael, you can save this family. Please, do the right thing here. String this blind girl along so that Dad doesn’t have to pay his debt to society.

Barry: The solution to all our problems is staring you right in the face and it can’t even see you.

Michael: I got to go talk to her.

G.O.B.: Yeah, I better get back to the wife.

Barry: I think I’m going to take a scenic drive down to the City of Industry.


Narrator: And George Michael went to the fund-raiser for the sick student Maeby had mentioned. But was surprised not to see Maeby there.

Teacher: We have in our midst a child who has shown us the meaning of courage. Now, let’s show her the meaning of charity. Please welcome Surely Fünke.

Narrator: And that’s when George Michael realized Maeby had been making money by pretending to be two twin girls.

George Michael: Maeby?

Narrator: One of whom was ill.

Student: Somebody get her a cupcake.


Narrator: And Michael went to Maggie’s determined to tell her the truth.

Maggie: What a surprise? Come on in.

Michael: Hey, I’m in.

Maggie: Hello, sorry. Hey, I thought you were going to be my reader.

Michael: Oh, yeah. Oh, you’re working, huh?

Maggie: Yeah. Got a break. I wasn’t prepared. Thanks to you. What about you? Don’t tell me another pirate is still roaming the high seas.

Michael: Uh, hey, you know, let’s make a deal. You don’t have to do this anymore ’cause I’m going to start laughing out loud.

Maggie: Okay, that’s going to help me so much.

Michael: All right, let’s go sit down. So, uh, Maggie, I... (clears throat) am not trying a case.

Maggie: That’s fantastic; they settled.

Michael: Well...

Maggie: Great. Listen, I know I shouldn’t do this, but... but I am so behind. I really do feel that I can trust you.

Michael: Yeah? What is this?

Maggie: Well, you ought to know. You can see.

Michael: Maggie. What is it? Seriously.

Maggie: Well, basically, it’s an overview of the government’s case against the Bluth family. It’s a summary. Absolutely everything we’ve got.

Michael: And you’re just going to give it to me.

Maggie: You’re a lawyer, what do you think? Do we have a case?

Michael: (Mouths words.) Oh, my God!


Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Maeby attempts to deposit her check, ... ... G.O.B. adapts to married life ...

G.O.B.'s wife: Unbelievable. The seal deal fell through. Three of the seals died on their way to Chad. How am I ever going to find a maritime lawyer?

G.O.B.: I’m sorry, did you say seals?

G.O.B.'s wife: Yes. I trade trained seals for a living. Do you ever listen?

G.O.B.: Do you ever stop talking?


Narrator: ... and Tobias is sent to sneak into Maggie’s house to steal evidence, only to discover that she’s not blind.