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Transcript of Beef Consommé

Transcript of "Beef Consommé"
Written by: Chuck Martin & Richard Rosenstock

Season One, Episode Thirteen

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
Patricia Velasquez as Marta Estrella
Michael Paul Chan as Judge Lionel Ping
Jesus Nebot as Javier
Bruno Alexander as Bailiff


The following is the transcript of the Season One episode "Beef Consommé". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Transcript of Beef Consommé" was written by Chuck Martin & Richard Rosenstock.

Act 1[]

Narrator: Michael Bluth was infatuated with his brother’s girlfriend, Marta, a Spanish-language soap opera star. But when he found out she was interested in a man named Hermano, he confronted her. Unfortunately, he discovered too late that “hermano” in Spanish meant “brother.” And the person Marta was infatuated with was, in fact, himself. This was distracting Michael the next day, when he went to meet his father’s attorney at prison.

Barry: Look, there is nothing to it. It’s an arraignment. They announce the charges... However, it would help if you all showed up, looking like a loving, supportive family.

Lucille: For how long?

Barry: Ten minutes, tops.

Lucille: See if you can get it down to five.

George, Sr.: You know, maybe I should confess to these crimes, save everybody the trouble.

Lucille: Oh, get off the mount. You’re coming home guilty or somehow found not guilty.

Cell phone rings.

Michael: Hello?

G.O.B.: What the hell is going on?! I’m waiting to hear about Marta and this Hermano guy.

Michael: Yeah, I checked it out. I do not think that she’s cheating.

G.O.B.: I’m going over to Marta’s.

Michael: No, no, no. Don’t-don’t do that, okay? Just, uh, lay low. Be cool. I’ll talk to her again. That way, you don’t look so desperate, you know?

G.O.B.: You’re a good guy, mon frère. That means “brother” in French. I don’t know why I know that. I took four years of Spanish!

Narrator: So, Michael went to speak with Marta about the misunderstanding from the night before.

Michael: I owe you an apology.

Marta: No, I owe you an apology. I’m so ashamed that I was so disrespectful to your brother.

Michael: Oh, who cares? Nobody respects him. You see, Marta, I have been interested in you since the first day that we met.

Marta: Really?

Michael: Yeah, yeah.

Marta: It doesn’t matter. We live by our code, you and I, to honor family.

Michael: Yes, that’s one of the things that attracted me to you—your sense of right and wrong.

Michael: I also like your hair and your face and your breasts.

Marta: You sound like your brother.

Michael: Oh, thank you.

Marta: G.O.B. is like the cock of the walk, but not you. You are so kind. You’re sensitive, like a woman.

Michael: That’s enough.

Michael: We do have to do the right thing.

Marta: And being together is the wrong thing.

Michael: Very. Very. Wrong.

G.O.B.: (Singing tunelessly.) / And it’s there / / When you call out my name / / Two / One, two / three, four / five, six / seven, eight / nine, ten, 12... /

Michael: Is that G.O.B.?

G.O.B.: (Singing.) / Love is in the air. /

Michael: I’m going to turn this off.

Marta: Please.

Michael: Oh!

Marta: G.O.B.’s wand.

Michael: Oh, this is so wrong.

Michael: No-no, not-not-not not hot wrong. You know, regular wrong.

Michael: I got to tell G.O.B.

Marta: No, I have to tell him.

Michael: Yes, but-but you-you speak a little slowly, and I really want to get this thing moving along. So listen. You do the noble thing and you tell him you’ve met someone else. I’m going to do the noble thing and tell him that it’s me. While I’m doing my noble thing, you could put those photos in a box, get rid of the wand, and we can do the wrong thing the right way.

Narrator: And Maeby was getting tired of her parents’ constant fighting.

Lindsay: I’m saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.

Tobias: Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.

Lindsay: That’s my point, you... handsome cowboy, you.

Tobias: Oh, great. And now you’re mocking me. You selfish... coun.. try-music-loving lady. Hello, Maeby.

Maeby: Nice cover. Why don’t you two just get a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?

Narrator: The night before, Tobias and Lindsay had chosen to sleep in separate rooms, and Tobias had dropped an intriguing piece of information.

Tobias: ... and of course we couldn’t conceive, so there was that famous ordeal.

George Michael: What do you mean, you couldn’t conceive?

George Michael: Was Maeby adopted? Is she not really related to me? Is she just some girl I know?

Narrator: George Michael never got an answer. So he set about doing some investigating of his own.

George Michael: Hey, have you ever seen any pictures of your mom pregnant?

Maeby: Don’t talk to me about my mom. She’s crazy. Both of them are. Sometimes, I wish we weren’t even related.

George Michael: Hey, you know, maybe we’re not. Because when you think about it, we don’t really even look like each other.

Maeby: No, I was talking about my parents. God, what’s wrong with this family?!

George Michael: (To himself.) Maybe we’re not family. And maybe that’s very, very right, twinkie.

George Michael: Uncle G.O.B.! Hey, uh, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?

G.O.B.: Oh, yeah, dozens of times.

G.O.B.: Hey, is your dad, uh... around, uh...?

Michael: Hey, G.O.B. Marta call?

G.O.B.: She sure has. Four times, but I didn’t take the calls.

Michael: Oh, no? Why not? Because of you. You said to lay low. And it’s working. Great.

G.O.B.: Tell you what. You may not be good with women, but you are great with other people’s women, I’ll give you that.

Michael: Oh, listen, G.O.B., you can’t just ignore her. Maybe you should talk to her. She is your girlfriend.

G.O.B.: Exactly! And I want to keep it that way. For all I know, she’s calling to break up with me. I don’t answer the phone, that doesn’t happen.

G.O.B.: And it’s all because of you, fratello. That’s Italian for “brother,” yeah. Now all I gotta do is find this “Hermano” guy. I’m gonna kill him.

Buster: Hey, brother.

Michael: Hey, Buster.

Buster: Oh, hey, brother.

G.O.B.: Hey, Buster.

Michael: G.O.B., there’s no need for violence. There never is. I’d like to think that we’re all, you know, intelligent, mature... um... adults that-that can settle their differences—whenever they come to light—through words.

G.O.B.: Yeah, well, I let my fists do the talking. Not this one, ’cause obviously, I need it for coin tricks and stuff. But this one, I let it speak for both of them.

Buster: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted. That’s what I did in high school when I almost got into a fight.

Michael: I think that was about being attacked by bears.

Buster: Yeah. I know.

Bear: Hey, rich kid, give me your lunch money.

Buster: But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get into a fight today.

Michael: Well, you’d be a much bigger ball.

Buster: I mean, there is so much in life that I have not experienced. And now that I’m away from Mom, I feel like this is my chance to live. I want to dance. I want to make love to a woman. I want to get a checking account. I want to know what it feels like to get my face socked in.

G.O.B.: Michael, don’t get that. That could be Marta.

Michael: What? Ooh! (Whispers.) Too late. Hello?

Lucille: Michael?

Michael: Oh, hi, Mom.

Buster: I’m not here.

Lucille: Is that Buster? Tell him I’m fine without him. Why haven’t you called me back? I’m worried about your father’s hearing.

Michael: Mom, listen, it’s going to be fine. I’m on it, okay? I’m taking care of it. I’ll be there first thing Friday morning.

Lucille: It’s tomorrow at 4:30!

Michael: Oh, I should write that down.

Lucille: Where is your head, Michael?

Michael: Listen, everything is going to be fine. They just read the charges, and we look like a loving family for, like, six minutes.

Lucille: Ten minutes.

Michael: We couldn’t get that down, huh?

Narrator: George Michael, meanwhile, went to speak with Tobias.

George Michael: This was just faxed to you.

Tobias: Oh great. The rewrite. Let’s see if they beefed up my part. I got three lines.

George Michael: So, uh, I’ve been thinking about that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from. And uh, I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.

Tobias: Yes, okay, uh... Well, have a seat. Uh... um...

Tobias: When a man... needs to prove to a woman that he’s actual... When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens, and uh, with deep, deep concentration and-and great focus, he’s often able to achieve an erec...

George Michael: I’m sorry, I’m going to stop you. I know what you mean. I-I didn’t mean babies in general.

Tobias: Oh, well that’s good. Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.

George Michael: Yeah, no, I meant specifically with Maeby.

Tobias: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn’t right.

George Michael: I know, you’re right. I’m sorry.

Tobias: No, no. It says it’s a shower scene. I’m not supposed to be in the shower scene. It has nudity!

Narrator: Tobias was a never-nude, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Tobias: I don’t do nudity. It says that right on my resume. Okay... what do you think I wear these for?

George Michael: I was never actually clear on that.

Buster: So... you’re, uh... you’re not with Marta anymore?

G.O.B.: Well, my plan is to get her wanting me but bad, and then I spring it on her. “I know you’ve been cheating on me. You just cost yourself one fine man and one fine CD of him singing ‘Love is in the Air.”’ (Eating dry spaghetti.)

Buster: Well, I would never, uh, do this while you were still going out, but, uh... if you’re done with her, I’d sure like a crack at her.

G.O.B.: Right, right... That sounds great. Go for it, buddy.

G.O.B.: But you know that she’s kind of used to being with me, right? So... it would be sort of like going from prime rib to—I don’t know—weird brother of prime rib. So... Do you even know her?

Buster: I’ve met her. I fell for her. I’ve been watching her program. El amor prohibido. “The Love that is Forbidden.” She is the love that’s forbidden. The love of my hermano.

G.O.B.: Wait a second. What? You know Hermano?

Buster: Hermano is brother in Spanish, as in “Hey, hermano.”

G.O.B.: Brother... “hermano” means “brother”?

Buster: Yeah.

G.O.B.: Well... sounds like hermano is about to get his ass kicked.

Buster: Well, this is what I said I wanted. So? Alright, let’s get it over with.

Buster: So... so you are you going to hit me?

G.O.B.: No, I’m not going to hit you. You’re not the brother Marta’s cheating on me with.

Buster: Oh, who is?

G.O.B.: How should I know, Buster?

Buster: You know, there is a guy who plays her older brother on her show. I think his name is Tio.

G.O.B.: Tio. Well, sounds like someone who you think’s name is Tio is about to get his ass kicked. Thanks for the tip, Buster.

Michael: All right, Mom, I’ll be sure to tell Buster. Right, bye. Mom wanted me to tell you she doesn’t care whether you live or die, but if you’re not dead, she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in a blue sweater.

Buster: Damn it! I hate the blue sweater.

Michael: She said it would look nice with the gray pants.

Buster: Damn it! She’s right!

Michael: Where’s G.O.B.?

Buster: I think he’s heading down to the set of Marta’s soap opera.

Michael: What?

Buster: Get this. She may be cheating on him with the guy who plays her brother. I mean, I still like her but we’re going to have to deal with this.

Michael: I’ve got to go stop them.

Buster: And I’ve got a blue sweater to steam.

Narrator: G.O.B. raced to confront Tio with Michael in hot pursuit. George Michael, having failed to get the information he needed from anyone else, made the ultimate sacrifice, and went to the keeper of the family secrets.

George Michael: So, uh, it’s about Maeby.

Lucille: Oh, that’s a lost cause. But you get what you pay for, huh?

George Michael: Yeah. Wait, what? What do you mean pay?

Lucille: Fertility tests, lab fees, donors and implants.

Lucille: She’s not real. She was made in a cup. Like soup. $130,000 cup of soup. How do you like them egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone? All I know is, it took an extra year before we could add a den.

George Michael: So are you saying we’re not directly related?

Lucille: I’m saying she already spent her inheritance getting here.

Narrator: G.O.B. meanwhile had finally shown up at the El amor prohibido set.

G.O.B.: Hey, guy... They tell me you’re the actor who plays Marta’s brother Tio.

Tío: ¿Como?

G.O.B.: You’re going to be in a coma, all right.

Narrator: Unfortunately, the actor who played Tio had also starred in a Mexican film about the life of Oscar de la Hoya.

Michael: G.O.B., hey. Hey, you all right?

G.O.B.: Where am I? Am I in two-thirds of a hospital room?

Michael: Yeah. Listen, um... It’s me. I’m the guy that she likes, hermano’s brother... me.

G.O.B.: If I’d have known it was you, I wouldn’t have minded.

Michael: You wouldn’t?

G.O.B.: Michael, you’re a great guy. If you’d liked her, I would have said go for it.

Michael: I do kind of like her.

G.O.B.: Go for it.

Michael: Hi! My brother said we can do it. That didn’t come out as romantic as I’d hoped, but...

Marta: Everything is perfect.

Michael: Wait. You jinxed it. Don’t worry. I’ll turn it off. Mm, it’s just my mother.

Michael: She’s probably worried about my dad’s... hearing.

Marta: With my dad, it is the vision.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Tobias told Lindsay that he couldn’t do the part.

Tobias: It plays naked, okay?

Lindsay: Tobias, we’re going to have to deal with this sometime. I mean, I understand you not wanting to do it on film, but you can’t even get dressed in front of me.

Tobias: It is not you, Lindsay. I can’t get undressed alone. I can’t get undressed by myself. I mean, this is a real affliction. I’m sorry it’s not recognized here in the States, but I know for a fact that there’re two members of German parliament. They’re called nein wohlstandig nude. But they’re German, so... They speak German, so they have a different...

'Lindsay: Well, it’s not normal, and ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

Tobias: Please... please don’t make fun.

Lindsay: I’m not making fun. Look, how about we do this together? You take off your shirt and I’ll take off my jacket.

George Michael: This family can be pretty screwed up sometimes. But the good news is, I just found out...

Maeby: Actually, I used to think that too, but it’s better than the alternative.

George Michael: Well, have you explored all the alternatives, because I guess what I’m getting at...

Maeby: No, but I’m glad to have this family, you know. ’Cause I know I said some bad stuff, but it’s much better here than it was in Boston. And I have a cousin here, so even if my parents do get divorced, I have you, right?

Narrator: George Michael realized that no matter how much it upset him, he didn’t want to take Maeby’s family away from her.

George Michael: Yeah, you got us, all right.

Maeby: Now all I need is a boyfriend.

Narrator: Lucille was left alone with her oldest son at the courthouse.

G.O.B.: Just you and me, huh? God, why am I the only one who ever comes through in this family?

Narrator: And George Sr. was led into the courtroom.

George, Sr.: Where the hell is everybody?

G.O.B.: I’m here, dad.

George, Sr.: I can’t believe no one showed up. I don’t know, maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I should just stay in prison so my family can be free.

Lucille: Look, you’re my husband and you belong back at home with me.

George, Sr.: You really love me.

Lucille: Call it what you want. I’m tired of paying Lupe to clean one dish.

Barry: Sorry, sorry, sorry, I’m so late. I had another hearing. Here’s the good news: I think I’m going to get off. I have a good lawyer. You look great in red.

Barry: Anyhoo, what are we doing here? What’s the plan?

Lucille: The plan? You’re our lawyer.

Barry: It’s a figure of speech. You’re going to be fine.

Lucille: Oh, for God’s sake. He’s on his own for two days, and he joins a gang.

Buster: These guys? Oh, I’ve got them for the afternoon. Besides, they’re the only thing I have left to live for in this world.

Lucille: Oh, stop being so dramatic. You know where I live.

Buster: I wasn’t talking about you, Mom. I was talking about Marta. Excuse me.

G.O.B.: You were serious? ’Cause I got news for you, pal. Marta’s been interested in Michael. That’s right. Dull, nothing going on upstairs... Michael.

Buster: I know. I saw them making out at her front door.

G.O.B.: What? When?

Buster: Just now. The stuff I’ve got to work out with Marta just keeps piling up.

G.O.B.: Unbelievable.

Bailiff #1: All rise. This court is now in session, the Honorable Lionel Ping presiding.

Barry: (Whispers.) Oh, we’ve got Ping.

Judge Ping: I would remind you that there are no cameras allowed in my courtroom.

Five minutes later

Judge Ping: Conspiracy, racketeering, evidence tampering, fraud, theft, grand theft, petty theft.

Barry: Wow, I-I did not get that page.

Michael: Hey.

G.O.B.: Michael!

Judge Ping: Resisting arrest. Resisting arrest...

Michael: Hey.

G.O.B.: How dare you?

Michael: Now, come on. You said it was okay. And nothing happened.

G.O.B.: Oh, did I?

Michael: Take it easy, all right?

G.O.B.: I don’t remember saying that.

Michael: Yeah, well, you did.

Judge Ping: Order in the court.

G.O.B.: Is that my belt?

Michael: Well, so what?

Judge Ping: Order!

Michael: Get your hands off me.

G.O.B.: What is your problem?

Michael: Relax!

G.O.B.: What is your problem?

Michael: Okay?

G.O.B.: I should relax? Maybe you should relax.

Lucille: What are you doing?! What’s the matter with you?! Get off him! George!

Narrator: George, Sr., having never heard his charges listed consecutively in one sitting, panicked and ran with great intensity. Michael and G.O.B. continued their fight onto the courthouse steps.

Lucille: Stop it before someone gets hit in the face!

Narrator: Buster realized this was his opportunity to fulfill a longtime fantasy.

Lucille: Oh, for God’s sake! Barry!

Narrator: Barry, too, felt overwhelmed by the charges leveled against his client and also took flight.

Barry: What are you doing? They’ll add ten years to your sentence.

George, Sr.: They’ll never catch me!

Officer Brent: Oh, good. I’ve got to get you back in your cell. It’s getting kind of crazy out there.

Narrator: And back at the model home, things were heating up for Lindsay and Tobias as well.

Tobias: I ca... I can’t, I can’t. I can’t.

Lindsay: For me, Tobias. That, too. You did it.

Tobias: Now, what?

Lindsay: Now this.

Narrator: And for the first time in years, Lindsay and Tobias became intimate. The brothers’ fight, meanwhile, continued into the park with Buster still hoping to take a punch.

Michael: Let go!

G.O.B.: I’ll kill you!

Michael: Get off me!

Buster: Jab, jab, jab, jab.

Narrator: Lucille had decided that, perhaps, she was better off without any of them.

Michael: Buster, get out of the way.

Buster: Hit me in the face. Hit me in the face. Hit me in the face.

Michael: Buster!

G.O.B.: Buster!

Narrator: While Marta, who’d been told the hearing would last ten minutes, got tired of waiting.

Marta: Hey! Hey!

Michael: Marta.

G.O.B.: Marta.

Marta: What is wrong with you? I thought you were good people. I thought you were noble. I thought you care about family, but you clearly don’t. It’s over. Both of you. It’s over.

Buster: Wait, wait. What about... what about me?

Marta: I’m sorry, I’m not totally sure who you are.

Buster: Wow. Wow. That’s what it feels like to get punched in the face.

G.O.B.: Do you believe that?

Michael: Yeah, lecturing us about family.

G.O.B.: I mean, who needs that?

Michael: And what are we doing? Okay, we’re brothers. That’s got to count for something.

G.O.B.: That counts for everything.

Michael: I’m not going to throw it away over some woman.

G.O.B.: (Chuckling.) Especially not my woman.

Michael: Hmm?

G.O.B.: But you’re right, you’re right. I mean, this is what’s real. This is what lasts. Everything else is just petty.

Michael: Yeah, totally beneath us. And by the way, I don’t know how you call her your woman when she clearly prefers me. And she was all prepared to be my girlfriend, call me her boyfriend...

Buster: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey!

Michael: Hang on one second.

Buster: Hey, first of all, this is all moot because she never even got a chance to know me. Now, will someone please have the decency to punch me in the face?

Michael: Well, it’s effective.

G.O.B.: It really is.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias quietly overcompensates.

Tobias: Oh, please tell me there’s some coffee left. I slept very well last night.