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Transcript of Blockheads

Transcript of "Blockheads"
Written by: Mitch Hurwitz & Jim Vallely

Season Four, Episode Fifteen

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Isla Fisher as Rebel Alley
Ron Howard as Himself
Jeff Garlin as Mort Meyers
John Beard as Himself
Ben Stiller as Tony Wonder
Brian Grazer as Himself
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Richard Jin Namkung as Paul 'P-Hound' Huan
John Yuan as Doug Fleer
Matt Yuan as Dean Fleer
Ithamar Enruquez as Carlos
Tom Saunders as Tom
Evan Gaustad as Terry
Woon Young Park as Marauder
Carter Hastings as Lem
Jay Johnston as Officer Taylor
Ben Harris as Ealing Club Waiter
Beverly Palmer as Nurse
Andrew Tsygan as Twin Andrew
Keith and Kenneth Lucas as Lucas twins
Allie Goertz as Reveler


The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Blockheads". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Blockheads" was written by Mitch Hurwitz & Jim Vallely.

Act 1[]

Ealing club

Narrator: George Michael was playing a game of lie tag with his father.

Michael: How far away are you?

George Michael: Wait, I bet we're sitting in the exact same traffic. God, I just hope there are no kids on that plane.

Michael: 500 bucks they find a dead kid behind the stick. You know, or maybe on the dead dad's lap whose only fault was loving that kid too much and letting him fly the plane.

Narrator: Currently, each claimed to be stuck in traffic behind a light aircraft that had landed on the 605 Freeway.

Michael: And, and, you know what? One more thing. I think I accidentally had the phone flipped around. I recorded my face the whole time, you know? Smartphone, stupid man. Pal, why don't you loop around and film this thing? Someone's got to tell the story.

Narrator: Michael hung up feeling confident he'd had the last word.

Message bleep.

Michael: Kidding me?

George Michael: Missed you again, damn. But, you know, I got out of my car here, and I'm standing here now with a paramedic named Tim Ridge- Ridgley... Can I record some video over there?

Waiter: No cameras allowed.

George Michael: No camera... They're being real tight-assed about this camera thing.

Narrator: But George Michael was proving more adept at lying than anyone suspected.

George Michael: I guess it's just not on the cards tonight. Getting back in my car now. You know, just thank God we weren't on that plane.

Narrator: Which would come in handy with a woman who only knew him as George Maharis.

George Michael: Hey.

Rebel Alley: Hey!

George Michael: Hey, sorry, that was my dad. He can be kinda hard to get off the phone sometimes.

Rebel Alley: Tell me about it. At least he wasn't drunk and bitching about Don Ameche not knowing his lines in Cocoon.

George Michael: Y-y- he's actually great. If anything, I've been kind of a lousy son lately, but, you know, it's just... I mean, at some point, I've got to start living my life.

Rebel Alley: No, I know. I mean, my dad is the nicest guy in the world, but he just doesn't get it. I have to live my life my way. It's like he's always checking up on me. Does yours do that?

George Michael: (spotting Michael) Yeah, no, once in a while. Hey, you wanna go in here? (ducks into photo booth)

Rebel Alley: (spotting Ron Howard) Yeah, okay.

Michael: Ron!

Ron Howard: Hey.

Michael: No, no. It's Michael. Michael Bluth. Doing the film about my family, and...

Ron Howard: Yeah, when are we gonna get your kid's signature, though?

Michael: Yeah, I'm working on it.

Ron Howard: Well, yeah, kids will be kids, right?

Michael: I would have told you that he and I were exactly the same, that we were twins. You know, but now, I wouldn't even think of my son as my brother.

Narrator: Although, in fairness, this is something a Bluth brother would do.

Photos of George Michael and Rebel making out drop out of the photo booth.

Act 2[]

College basketball court

Narrator: George Michael was a new man. He had finally cast off the shackles of his cautious persona...

George Michael: Oh! (catches ball)

Man: Come on, man, throw it.

Narrator: ...and he was ready to play with the big boys.

Spins and throws ball, and man immediately knocks it into his face.

George Michael: Okay, I'm good.

Man: You all right?

George Michael: That's it for me, you guys keep playing. Oh, too funny.

Narrator: But later, at the student health center, he was reminded of the man who'd always supported him.

Nurse: Who would you like us to call in case of an emergency?

Narrator: And who he'd now twice hurt.

George Michael: My dad.

Nurse: We're gonna need an actual...

Narrator: And that night, Michael, trying to impress Rebel by being a down-to-earth rich guy, although by doing so he was neither...

Michael: Oh, I'm not. I'm not. Are you saying that I am? Maybe Ron Howard is, but I, I mean, I don't know. But I'm not. And I am also not (cell phone rings) one of those Beverly Hills billionaires who can't go two minutes without putting his phone to his-

Narrator: this call.

Michael: I got to take this. Hold on one second. Hello?

Michael leaves the table.

Michael: Hey, George Michael. Are you, you stuck in traffic, pal?

George Michael: No. You know, I just feel terrible that we couldn't get together the other night, and, uh, I miss you, you know, but I'm free all night if you wanted...

Michael: Listen, I'm in the middle of a, of a film meeting...

Narrator: But Michael hadn't forgiven George Michael.

Michael: ...people in politics involved, and I just... you know, I can't get away this time.

Narrator: It seemed the two men were growing less alike every day. And although George Michael felt guilty...

George Michael dials phone.

Rebel Alley: Oh, God, I've got to get this. It could be my agent. Hello?

Narrator: ...George Maharis was already planning his evening with, as it turned out, someone who had also just been put off by his father.

George Michael: Hi, Rebel, it's George Mi- ...haris. My night just... freed up, and I was wondering if you wanted...

Rebel Alley: I thought you were having dinner with your dad.

George Michael: Well, you know, older guys, the night ends for them at 8.

Rebel Alley: I think I could use a break from the old guys. And, I've already got some birth control in me that I paid for myself, and I'd hate to let it go to waste.

George Michael: Well, that's perfect, because I'm... not quite ready to have children.

Narrator: So, as he straightened up his room, he got this call.

George Michael: Hey, Dad.

Michael: George Michael, hey. Got out of it. I, just, I made a ton of people angry, but you know what I always say, "Family..."

George Michael: Well, uh, gosh, you know I really wanted to, uh, do that, but I just had this... work thing come up, and, uh, it's like, it's like you always say, "Family first, unless there's a work thing, and then... work first."

Michael: I have said that too. Uh, so... another time.

George Michael: Okay.

Narrator: But he had another problem he had to deal with.

George Michael: P-Hound.

P-Hound: Hey, George Michael!

George Michael: Hey.

P-Hound: Look, I got us a peace pizza.

George Michael: Oh, that's grea- Hey, you've got to go.

P-Hound: What did you do with my stuff?

George Michael: I've just got a girl coming over, and...

P-Hound: Maeby?

George Michael: It's not Maeby, no. But, um... could you please leave?

P-Hound: Okay. First, you F me with Fakeblock, and then you're gonna kick me out when you have a hottie coming over? I have roommate rights.

George Michael: Well, you know what? You voided your rights when you took this picture of Maeby brushing her teeth.

P-Hound: Not against the rules.

George Michael: Still a little weird, don't you think?

P-Hound: But not against the rules!

George Michael: Well...

P-Hound: You know what? This is no longer a peace pizza. That is a war pizza!

George Michael: Okay, that's fine. Do you want to take it back, or...?

P-Hound: No, I already ate. That, that's for you.

George Michael: Oh, thank you.

P-Hound: You're welcome. Enjoy your war pizza!

Narrator: The pizza hadn't even cooled before Rebel arrived.

George Michael: Hi.

Rebel Alley: Hey. Oh, so this is a dorm.

George Michael: This is a dorm.

Rebel Alley: Well, I suppose anything goes in a dorm.

George Michael: You got that right. (they kiss) Although, we should probably go inside because they don't like us hanging out in the hallways, actually.

Rebel Alley: Oh.

George Michael: Yeah.

Narrator: George Michael had just officially gotten over Maeby.

George Michael: Thanks for, uh, keeping it down for my RA. You were keeping it down, right?

Rebel Alley: You know what really impresses me about you? How little you try to impress me.

George Michael: Well, I am to not please.

Rebel Alley: I just came from a dinner with this right-wing politician, and his date who was an actual hooker.

George Michael: Oh, my God, they sound like terrible people.

Rebel Alley: Oh, they were. So, wait, is this where you conceived Fakeblock?

Narrator: It was George Michael's first chance to truly be unpretentious and undo the big lie. On the other hand, she thought he was an unpretentious software genius. If she were to learn that he was merely a woodblock player with a heightened ability to track the passage of time, perhaps she would rightly feel lack of pretension should be a given. It was after second 23 that he said...

George Michael: Twenty-four. Yes, it was, uh, right in here.

Rebel Alley: Wow.

George Michael: Yeah.

Rebel Alley: This is like making love with the Wright brothers in their bicycle shop.

Narrator: I'm sure she just meant one of them. Hey, how about her knowing they had a bicycle shop?

Cut to: outside

George Michael: Just a little token of my, uh...

Narrator: The next morning he walked her to her car.

Rebel Alley: Listen, I gotta go shoot a PSA. I'll text you from the car.

George Michael: Oh, no, don't, don't do-

Cut to: studio

Ron Howard: Action.

Rebel Alley: Tweet and drive.

Ron Howard: Yeah, that was good, but it's "text," and we need the word "don't."

Narrator: And upon returning to his dorm, he discovered that P-Hound had officially filed a grievance with the student housing office.

Doug Fleer: So P-Hound claims that George Michael - make a note of that, that's one person...

Dean Fleer: Oh, I know, I know.

Doug Fleer: ...messed with his stuff and stole some software thing?

Dean Fleer: Yeah, and, uh, George Michael claims that nobody can live with P-Hound. Somebody's got to go.

Doug Fleer: O-okay, it's time for a vote. We'll each get one vote.

George Michael: Oh, well, that doesn't really seem fair, because you guys are obviously gonna vote for the same person.

Dean Fleer: Oh, right, yeah, 'cause, uh, we're twins, and, uh, we have no sense of ourselves as individuals. That's right.

Dean/Doug: Fine. We'll each get a half vote.

Narrator: And the four men cast their three votes.

Doug Fleer: It's a tie, uh... one and a half to one and a half.

Narrator: The twins were proud to show that they voted differently from one another.

Dean Fleer: Ah, we're gonna need a tiebreaker, ugly.

Narrator: Fortunately, they were able to bring in two more half voters...

Doug Fleer: It's a tie!

Narrator: ...who also proved...

Doug Fleer: Two to two.

Narrator: ...they were capable of having opposite opinions.

Dean Fleer: Double tie! Yeah!

Doug Fleer: Yeah!

Dean/Doug: Whoo!

Narrator: To break the tie, more members of twin club joined the electorate.

Doug Fleer: We have - a quadruple tie!

Dean Fleer: Oh, unbelievable.

Narrator: Which also jammed up the works.

Doug Fleer: Yeah!

Dean Fleer: Yeah, go, yeah!

George Michael: Maybe we should just bring in a single person now.

Doug Fleer: You mean, like, not, not a twin?

George Michael: Yeah, just to speed things along... a little.

Narrator: And perhaps it was that comment...

Lucas Brother #1: I guess one head's better than two, huh? Twin hater.

Lucas Brother #2: We've been dealing with twincists like you all our lives.

Narrator: ...that united the voting body into a greater cause than expressing their individuality. And with the exception of George Michael's vote...

Doug Fleer: P-Hound. George Michael. George Michael. George Michael. George Michael. George Michael.

Narrator: ...and one other curiosity...

Doug Fleer: George Michael. Bender from Futurama?

Andrew: I almost wrote that. (his twin snickers)

Narrator: was a George Michael blitz.

Doug Fleer: Ah, George Michael, and, oh, a half vote for "George Michael, twincist."

Lucas Brother #2: See you later, twin hater.

George Michael: I, no, I'm not...

Dean Fleer: Uh-uh. Shh. Go.

Narrator: And now wishing he'd actually packed the bag...

George Michael: I don't-

All: Shh!

Narrator: ...George Michael aimlessly headed out onto the campus, where as fate would have it, he ran into his beeping uncle.

Limo horn honks as it almost runs George Michael down.

George Michael: Whoa. (BLEEP) What are you doing here?

G.O.B.: I was in the neighborhood. I happened to remember how much you love bologna.

George Michael: Huh?

G.O.B.: So, yeah, I just... I found this great ShopRite, and I just thought, "You know who's got to have a taste of this...? Is young George Michael." Now, you just let me- (tries to force him to eat it)

Narrator: He didn't think George Michael liked bologna.

G.O.B.: Take it. I know how you love bologna.

Narrator: He was trying to correct a bad impression he felt he might have made on his nephew a few nights earlier.

G.O.B.: (after kissing George Michael) We're good.

George Michael: My God, Uncle G.O.B., what is this?

G.O.B.: Can't lie to you, George Michael. It's a Forget-Me-Now. I wanted you to forget what happened at that magic club. I was embarrassed.

George Michael: Well, if you don't want me to tell anyone about it, I won't!

G.O.B.: I'm such a fool. I... go to those things too quickly. Really, it's just the age we live in, isn't it? Take a pill to forget your problems. Take a pill to go to sleep. Then, take a pill to forget your problems. Need an erection, take a pill. Need to forget your problems, take a pill! Take a pill and your problems are forgotten. Take a pill. What an age we live in. It's great, isn't it? What's with the suitcase?

George Michael: I got kicked out of my dorm.

G.O.B.: That was a freebie. You in the market to buy a house? It's a great time to buy.

George Michael: Oh, I don't want to buy a house. I don't have that kind of money.

G.O.B.: Money? Oh, ninja, please. You don't need money. With the Fakeblock thing you got going and your great credit rating, we can put you in a Bluth in no time.

Narrator: Frankly, it wasn't the kind of risk George Michael would take. But then G.O.B. said something that changed his mind.

G.O.B.: Plus, it would make your dad proud. I know that he's still really disappointed about you, uh...

George Michael: What, that I blew him off?

G.O.B.: ...blew him off. Boy, is he disappointed about that.

George Michael: I would love to say yes...

G.O.B.: Yes! There it is! I got my much-vaunted yes!

Narrator: G.O.B. felt good. He would be able to prove to his brother that he could actually sell a house. George Michael felt good, because he could prove to his father that he did indeed support him. And the residents of Sudden Valley felt good, because it turns out the very young-looking man who drove down their street that afternoon...

George Michael: Hi!

Carlos: Oh, hello, young man.

George Michael: Hi.

Carlos: How young are you?

George Michael: I'm good, how you doing?

Carlos: No, how young are you?

George Michael: Well, I'm, I'm 22. 22 years young.

Narrator: ...was over 21, and they wouldn't have to search for a home that was even more remote.

Carlos: 22!

George Michael: Yeah.

Carlos: You look 16. He's 22! He's 22 but looks 16!

Man: Wow!

Act 3[]

George Michael's house

Narrator: Sudden Valley residents wasted no time in welcoming George Michael to the community...

All: Hey!

George Michael: Hi.

Tom: Just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.

Narrator: ...every chance they got.

George Michael: Thank you. Uh, hi. Hello again. Welcome back. Hi. Hi.

George Michael opens gifts.

George Michael: Oh, it's so nice. Wow. Like it's my birthday.

Tom: It's like it's everyone's birthday.

George Michael: Oh, this is... I wonder who this is from.

Terry: We said no clothes, Carlos.

Carlos: Hat is not clothes.

Tom: A hat is clothes.

George Michael: Gosh, I wish I had something to offer you guys. You know, here you are, guests in my home, and you've gotten me these beautiful gifts. You know, feels like it should be the other way around.

All laugh.

Man: Football!

Tom: Hut, hut!

Carlos tackles George Michael.

George Michael: Carlos! Carlos, you're on my team. You're on my team. Yo, guys, the play is dead. The play is dead. The ball touched the ground. Come on. The play is dead. Carlos, man, we're on the same team. Guys, maybe we, we can't play skins versus skins.

Tom: Tops versus bottoms?

George Michael: I gotta bring my girlfriend up here. she's gonna love it.

Tom: Let's throw her a party, Sudden Valley style.

George Michael: That actually sounds, yeah, fun.

Narrator: And so George Michael was proud to invite Rebel to see how successful George Maharis had become, and how many people were eager to be in his company.

George Michael tumbles out of a bouncy castle.

George Michael: No, I'm fine, I'm fine, he was tickling me in there.

Rebel Alley: Hey, uh, what is, what is all this?

George Michael: Uh, it's just a little surprise.

Rebel Alley: You did this for me?

George Michael: Yes!

Narrator: But Rebel had other concerns.

Rebel Alley: We need to talk.

All: Ooh...

Cut to: George Michael's house

George Michael: This is it. This is the place. Hope you don't find it too pretentious.

Rebel Alley: Well, what happened to the old, "anything goes in the dorm"?

George Michael: Well, I got this place instead. You know, I guess I wanted to... impress you. Uh, I'm gonna get some furniture, obviously. The guys from Homefill are coming this week.

Rebel Alley: Right.

George Michael: That's not the problem.

Rebel Alley: No, that's not the problem.

Lem runs in.

George Michael: Wrong house, buddy.

Rebel Alley: No! This is my son, Lem Depardieu. Hey, baby.

Lem: Hi!

Rebel Alley: Jacqueline still in the car?

George Michael: Oh, you have a son!

Rebel Alley: Yeah.

George Michael: Hey, Lem.

Lem: Hi!

George Michael: How you doing? I love kids. I'm great... You want a Twister? I was just given, like, four Twisters. You should take one.

Lem: Wow!

George Michael: Go on, take a Twister.

Rebel Alley: You know what, honey? D'you wanna give Mommy some alone time with her friend?

George Michael: Maybe he could go play in the pool?

Rebel Alley: Yeah.

George Michael: He'll be totally safe, there's like a hundred guys out there.

Lem: Yay!

Rebel Alley: Make sure you wear your sunblock!

Narrator: In fact, it was the folks in the pool who were more at risk of being near Lem than he was of them.

Lem cannonballs into the crowded pool; when he resurfaces, it's deserted.

Narrator: And perhaps that's what led to G.O.B. having to take out another ad.

Ad: Give Sudden Valley a Try! "We're Sex Offender Free!"

George Michael: Wow, what a great kid. You, you know, when I said I was... not eager to have kids, but I think it's great that you have a son. You know, I have a spare room here that the two of you could stay in. Or maybe you could just stay in it, and-

Rebel Alley: He doesn't live with me. He lives in France with his father. He just visits March and April during French pilot season, but that's what I'm talking about. I just don't want to get that serious.

George Michael: Because you're seeing someone else?

Rebel Alley: No! I mean, yes, I'm seeing someone else, but... I don't want to get serious with him, either. And you're out telling people in the neighborhood that we're seeing each other. What happened to the guy who founded Fakeblock? The guy who keeps things anonymous!

George Michael: I can do anonymous. You know I'm all about staying anonymous. That's Fakeblock's mission statement.

Rebel Alley: And now you're asking Lem and me to move into this house, and it just... it seems all backwards. (leaving) Sorry.

George Michael: Maybe it is backwards.

Narrator: George Michael shared his relationship problem with the one other woman he'd had a relationship problem with.

Cut to: Fakeblock offices

George Michael: Well, she's not really my girlfriend. I mean, I'm crazy about her, but she wants to keep things anonymous, and I don't know how to do that.

Maeby: Oh, that's ridiculous.

George Michael: Right.

Maeby: You haven't told her your real name yet, have you?

George Michael: What? No, no. No, she still thinks I'm George Maharis. But she's dating another guy, which is probably the whole reason she's always saying I'm moving too fast. I take things too seriously. I take things too serious? I take things too seriously. I need to note which one of those is correct, because I sound like a horse's ass when I alternate between the two of them. I need to get my (BLEEP) together.

Maeby: Yeah.

George Michael: But the point is that I take things... easily-breezily.

Maeby: Well, a real serioush woman knows what she wants and moves quickly.

George Michael: Serioush is nothing. It's not a word.

Maeby: Are you ready to see your office?

George Michael: I have been. It's great, it's- I like it a lot. I wonder if she's gonna think... we've been a little lavish with money. You know, is it too much? But then, to contradict myself, I do think, at some point, it would be good to get a second chair, just in case we have a guest, but I'm thinking big picture.

Narrator: Of course, that wasn't his office.

Maeby: Honey, this isn't your office. She's over here. This hangar can hold over 500 nerds!

Narrator: And it was at his actual desk that he made his first major decision as CEO.

George Michael: Maeby? You're fired!

Narrator: And although Mort was prepared to be handed his walking papers, there was nothing that could have prepared George Michael for what Mort would leave on his desk.

Cut to: Balboa Towers

Narrator: And so later that day, it was a disgruntled Maeby that ran into Michael...

Maeby: Hey.

Narrator: he was seeking a signature for his movie.

Michael: Doing a movie.

Maeby: I think movies are dead. Maybe... it's a TV show.

Michael: What? No. This girl that I'm dating, Rebel, she's gonna be in it, and she would never do TV.

Maeby: You're dating Rebel... Alley?

Michael: Yeah. I have a picture of us to prove it. I can't find it, but yeah.

Maeby: So... you're the other guy.

Michael: You know her personally?

Maeby: Yes. I mean, that's how I know that you were dating her.

Michael: Do you know the other guy that she's dating?

Narrator: And that's when she saw an opportunity to get back at George Michael.

Maeby: No. No, but, um, I know it's over. She is dumping him.

Michael: She's dumping him?

Maeby: Apparently he was coming on too strong? Taking it too seriously. She hates that.

Michael: Is that what she said?

Maeby: Yeah, that's what she told me. Just kills it for her. She wants it easily-breezily.

Michael: Well, that's... informative. I owe you. Thank you.

Maeby: No, you don't.

Michael: Okay, wait, w-w-wait! Don't knock just-

Maeby: Okay.

Michael: One second. (flees)

Maeby: Mm-hmm.

Maeby knocks on Lucille 2's door.

Cut to: Rebel's apartment building

Narrator: And so, fortified with Maeby's information that Rebel was breaking up with her other beau...

Michael: Hello.

Rebel Alley: Michael.

Narrator: ...Michael decided to move things along.

Michael: I think that I've been coming on a little bit too strong. I got a lot going on, I got the movie. You know, a bunch of stuff with the housing complex, and I'm just... I'm not gonna be pressuring you anymore. I want to just keep it easy-peasy. Yeah.

Rebel Alley: Cool. Totally.

Michael: Keep it loose.

Rebel Alley: Yeah.

Michael: And we'll have some fun with, you know, the... If the fun, you know... Someday, one day, gets more serious, you know, then, then it does, and, and we, uh, we're, we're walking down the aisle, you know, and... I'm saying it wrong, saying it wrong, 'cause I get, uh, I get tongue-tied. Um, uh, because I think that you are... coming on too strong. You know. Bugging me.

Rebel Alley: You want to come in?

Michael: No?

Rebel Alley: Oh. (moves to kiss him)

Michael: Yeah. Yeah.

Caption: one hour later...

Narrator: It was the best sex Michael ever had.

Rebel Alley: Was that fun for you?

Michael: No. (gets out phone)

Rebel Alley: Are you gonna take a photo of me?

Michael: Uh, no, no. I've been... trying to get a signal.

Narrator: But he did want a picture of them together. Which is why he grabbed the one he saw from the photo booth.

Rebel Alley: Are you gonna call me?

Michael: If I'm in traffic. (they kiss)

Narrator: Although he was growing concerned about how he was going to keep this up.

Michael leaves the apartment building.

Michael: (singing) Hey! I just stole this fair young miss from a big shot, George Mahar-

Michael sees he's picked up the photo booth pictures of Rebel and George Michael.

Michael: (BLEEP)

Act 4[]

Michael driving the map car

Narrator: Michael had just found out that the woman he loved was also dating his son. So, after placing a call to the niece who sent him there...

Cut to: Perfecto's bedroom

Maeby: Hello?

Michael: You're out of the movie.

Narrator: ...and at an emotional impasse, he decided it was time to deal with G.O.B. and the Sudden Valley problem.

Michael: (seeing "I brake for kids" bumper sticker) Pervert. (getting out) Excuse me!

Narrator: And that's when Michael ran into a son...

George Michael: Dad! Hey.

Michael: George Michael, what are you doing here?

Narrator: ...who was eager to make him proud.

George Michael: I'm home.

Narrator: But George Michael had suddenly found himself with enormous debt...

Michael: You bought this house?

Narrator: ...and tried to hide his panic.

Michael: Why would you buy one of these pieces of sh... short-term... investments?

George Michael: Well, you know, G.O.B. told me that you wanted to start selling these things, not just renting them, and... I knew it was important to you.

Michael: He said all that, huh? Oh, boy, that was... That's... nice of him. How, how could you afford one of these houses, buddy?

George Michael: Well, I have a lot of money coming in from investors for my software thing, and...

Michael: Okay.

George Michael: And I don't know what's going to happen with that, so I thought I'd do what everyone around here says, put it into Bluth.

Michael: Yeah, who else is saying that?

George Michael: Oh, you know, it's an expression. Neighbors.

Michael: I don't like it.

George Michael: Can I offer you anything?

Michael: No.

George Michael: I just got two more boxes of Twister from the neighbors.

Michael: Oh, boy. Return them.

George Michael: Feel like I have one for every day of the week now. Anyway, you know, I figure that worst-case scenario is I sell this place and I get my money back. It's not like they're going down in value, right?

Michael: Well...

George Michael: It's a great community. Nobody locks their doors around here.

Michael: You should.

George Michael: Plus I, I wanted to make it up to you. You know, I felt terrible about what happened with the dorm, and...

Michael: Wow.

George Michael: ...and things between us, and... I've screwed up a lot of things in the past few weeks, and... you know, this is the one thing that... I know I did right. I mean, who would not want to raise their kids here?

Narrator: And perhaps this is why he didn't give him the bad news about the neighborhood.

Michael: Thank you. Thanks, but... you know, you didn't need to do it for me, pal.

Narrator: Now he just needed to get out of the house before...

George Michael: Oh, you know, to be totally honest, I didn't just do it for you.

Michael: Yeah?

George Michael: I also did it for my girlfriend. Kind of wanted to impress her.

Narrator: ...that came up.

Michael: Wow. You got a girlfriend. Good for you. That's great. Congratulations. Your dad's got one too.

George Michael: Oh, yeah?

Michael: Yep. How is yours going?

George Michael: Not great. I haven't been completely honest with her about... who I am. You know, I, I haven't even told her my real name, and I don't think I can... keep that lie going, so... I think it might be over.

Michael: Oh, great. ...pain fades slowly. Quickly.

Narrator: But now it was as simple as getting out before George Michael asked about...

George Michael: Thanks. But what about you? You're doing great, huh? Tell me about your girlfriend, and you're producing this movie now...?

Narrator: ...that.

Michael: I think they're both over.

George Michael: Oh.

Michael: Yeah, it wasn't meant to be.

George Michael: I'm sorry.

Narrator: And that's when Michael finally treated his son like an adult.

Michael: Hey, you know what I miss on you? The mustache.

Narrator: And so, discouraged, Michael returned to his apartment, only to find worse news.

Note: "Hoping You'll bring 700,000 of your friends tonight... You have until Cinco (4th) - Argyle"

Narrator: And when he saw that Lucille 2 was having a campaign event at Cinco, he knew there was only one thing he could give her instead of the money. And he knew what he had to do first to give it to her.

He pours himself a drink.

Cut to: Cinco

Narrator: George Michael, meanwhile, had a keynote speech to give, and hadn't fully decided whether he should come clean. And that's when he ran into his uncle.

G.O.B.: ...we'll take care of. My father's got the money. You guys are one heck of a, uh, horde.

George Michael: Uncle G.O.B.!

G.O.B.: No, you're mistaken, friend.

George Michael: No, it's George Michael. Hi. Exactly.

G.O.B.: Yes.

George Michael: Hey, I'm actually really glad I ran into you. I could use some advice.

G.O.B.: Oh. Love each other.

George Michael: Oh, no, that's great, but I actually need a, a specific piece of advice for a certain situation, it's... I'll give it to you fast. Basically, for the past few weeks I've been living a lie. I've been in this relationship with a woman who doesn't even know. It's probably over with the girl. I might have a chance...

Music: And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence

George Michael: ...gone way too far, it had gotten out of control. So basically now I can either tell her that there is no George Maharis and never was, or... we keep things anonymous, and I continue the lie that Fakeblock exists.

G.O.B.: From my perspective... something about "there's a girl..." Did you... Does she like you? I mean, you're not the world's most handsome guy.

George Michael: Yeah, no, she likes...

G.O.B.: I would say what I did take away was that I would rather have sex with someone because they thought I was someone else than not have sex with someone because they thought I was me.

George Michael: So I should probably do the opposite of that and... be true to who I am and not compromise... my integrity just for some fleeting sexual... experience. So, "love each other."

G.O.B.: There it is.

Narrator: It wasn't much help, and as George Michael headed off, unsure of what to do, G.O.B. went off to find his father, who was having his own relationship crisis.

Lucille: We're going to court. We're getting a real divorce. You're out of the marriage.

George, Sr.: So I am fat.

G.O.B.: Boy, am I glad you're here. I need money and it's not for what you think, for a magic show or a bee colony. It's to pay the builders I hired to start building the fake wall between Mexico and America.

George, Sr.: Shh! Are you crazy? Lucille 2 is around here.

G.O.B.: Well, don't worry about Lucille 2. I'll handle her. It's just that I need to pay the Chinese.

George, Sr.: Wait, wait, you... you hired Chinese?

G.O.B.: Well, I figured, who better than the Chinese to build a wall? But no, I couldn't afford them. So I, I hired, um... they're technically Mongols, I guess. They're, they're the people that they built the wall to try to keep out.

George, Sr.: How, how many did you hire?

G.O.B.: A horde. That's the minimum, they don't come in anything less than a horde.

George, Sr.: So you hired a Mongol horde.

G.O.B.: Look, Dad, I just... If they don't get their money soon, they're gonna be really mad, and then they're gonna have a major Mongolian beef with us. There they are.

George, Sr.: Uh... We don't have any m-money. (ducks away)

G.O.B.: Well, he says that we don't have any money.

Music: Hello, darkness my old friend...

Narrator: And at that moment, another Bluth who had no money was finding a way to pay up.

Lucille 2: Michael, do you have something for me? (he goes to kiss her) What are you doing?

Michael: I’m gonna have sex with you. For money. (she slaps him and he falls) Oh!

Caption: moments later...

Lucille 2 puts a dressing on Michael's forehead.

Lucille 2: Oh, I didn't realize how heavy these rings are.

Michael: Yeah.

Lucille 2: But I thought you were gonna kiss me and I panicked. (laughing)

Michael: I, I was gonna kiss you. (she slaps him again) Ow. I didn't even try to do it that time.

Lucille 2: So, it's, uh, "Let's take a tumble with Old Moneybags," right? And she'll be so grateful that she'd walk away from $700,000.

Michael: No, no, no, it would absolutely not be a gift. This would still be a loan, okay? However, my lovemaking would be, you know...

Lucille 2: What? What, Michael? What were you gonna say?

Michael: Something that I would never be able to take back, but... (she slaps him) ...I didn't want that to happen. Now, listen, you have been the one that has been flirting with me.

Lucille 2: Those were pity flirts.

Michael: No, they were not. You want this as much as I do. As much as I want this extension. Two different this-es. Now, you own a company that I helped to build. It was all of my hard work. This is something you have to do, because if you don't, I can't be held responsible for what I might do.

Narrator: As it turns out, George Michael was the only Bluth who could be responsible for what he did, and as he headed to the microphone, Mongols, not paid what they were promised, did what they do best.

Mongols tip over stalls, and one rushes Lindsay's stage to rip off her necklace.

Lindsay: Oh! Aah!

Marauder: Viva Mongolia!

Narrator: Which led to this.

Lindsay: What, what's happening?

Lindsay/Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall! Put-

Narrator: And it's hard to know whether it was the chanting of "put up this wall"...

Cut to: Fakeblock stage

George Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention for a moment for an announcement...

Narrator: ...or the note that promised him a sexual resumption of his anonymous relationship with Rebel...

Note fixed to mic: "You are about to get screwed like you've never been screwed before - Anonymous"

Narrator: ...that made him say this.

George Michael: Yeah, so, I'm George Maharis. And, uh, and Fakeblock is... real. Let's put up this wall.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: But not everyone wants to put up a wall on the Internet.

George Michael: Let's put up... put up this wall. Have a good night.

Narrator: And the Anonymous who left the note wasn't Rebel.

Group in hoodies and Guy Fawkes masks turn away from the stage.

Narrator: A discouraged Michael returned to the model home, where he ran into a brother who also had something to hide...

Tony Wonder: (BLEEP)!

Narrator: an emboldened George Maharis gave Rebel a note that she now believed he'd written for her. And for the son, it was a night to remember...

Rebel kisses George Michael.

Narrator: ...and for the father, a night to forget.

G.O.B. forces a Forget-Me-Now on Michael.

G.O.B.: So easy to forget. Shh.

Act 5[]

Rebel's apartment building

Michael: Rebel. Michael. I...

Narrator: It was May 5th, and while Rebel was on the phone...

Rebel Alley: Well, there's somebody here right now.

Michael: (over phone) I don't care. The thing with the other guy...

Narrator: ...George Michael was realizing that taking things casually was not going to be an option for him.

Rebel Alley: You can come over later, okay?

Michael: Goodbye.

Rebel Alley: I'll see you soon.

George Michael: Who was that?

Rebel Alley: No one.

George Michael: Look, I don't care. I, I don't care that you're seeing someone else. I, I just... I want to continue this. I'm ready to try and make this work. I'll fight anyone I have to for you. I'm not going to pretend I don't care about you. I'm a grown-up man and... I want to get serious.

Rebel Alley: Wow. Serious. Things are getting serious.

Narrator: And the girl who was never capable of making a commitment...

Rebel Alley: Okay.

Narrator: ...suddenly found herself making too many.

Rebel Alley: Okay.

George Michael: Okay.

Narrator: George Michael felt good. And at least for that day, he wouldn't encounter his father in Rebel's bedroom. He'd run into him leaving the building.

Cut to: outside building

George Michael: Hey! What are you doing here?

Michael: I, I'm on a visit. I'm visiting.

George Michael: My girlfriend lives here. Rebel.

Michael: Wow, so you're gonna work it out with your girlfriend. Good for you, that's great news.

George Michael: (pointing at cactus) That, that says Rebel, huh? What?

Michael: Great to see you again.

George Michael: Is that, is that a... Is that a little gift for Rebel?

Michael: I'm dating Rebel Alley. So there'd better be two Rebels in here, am I right?

George Michael: I'm dating Rebel Alley.

Michael: (laughs) That'd be weird. No, ironically, she did say that there was another guy, but that his name was George...

Both: Maharis.

George Michael: That's me.

Michael: You're George Michael.

George Michael: No, but, uh, yeah, but I use the name George Maharis when... with women, because... I hate the name George Michael! I told you that.

Michael: This is, uh... this is weird. Are you not kidding me?

George Michael: It's insane. No.

Michael: Oh, so...

George Michael: So you're the other guy.

Michael: I'm the other... well, you're the other guy.

George Michael: Yeah. Well, one of us

Michael: Did I not tell you that we were alike? Exactly alike. This is just...

George Michael: Horrifying.

Michael: ...too funny. This is what I was talking about. I told you. I mean, we're like twins. Are we not like twins? All the way down to the photo booth. You name me one way in which we're different.

George Michael: Well, Dad, you know I never, in a million years, would have gone out with her if I knew that you were, you know, the other guy.

Michael: Me, neither.

George Michael: I...

Michael: I wouldn't have either. Damn it. You know? You gotta believe me. This is just... (they hug) This is, uh...

George Michael: Yeah. ...How, how'd you know about the photo booth? (silence) You, 'cause you said, "Right down to the photo..."

Michael: I said, "Right down to the photo booth."

More silence.

Narrator: Ironically, he could've told the truth and said he'd taken a Forget-Me-Now. But like the victim of a roofie circle, having taken one was the only memory he had lost. So instead, he doubled down on this.

Michael: It's like we're identical twi-

George Michael punches him in the face.

Post Credits[]

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development.

G.O.B.'s bedroom

Narrator: G.O.B. gets an important call from his mother.

G.O.B.: Hello.

Lucille: She's gone. Lucille 2 has disappeared and it's time for you to step up and be president of the Bluth company. Keep your nose clean. No scandals!

G.O.B.: Okay.

Narrator: And even though G.O.B. hadn't taken a Forget-Me-Now the night before, it seems Tony Wonder had.

Tony Wonder: (phone message) Hey, Gobie. It's Tony. We still on for our sex date tonight?

Cut to: Lucille 2's penthouse

Knock at door.

Narrator: And this happens.

Buster opens the door.

Buster: Oh! Okay, okay.

Officer Taylor: Are you Buster Bluth?

Buster: I am. Okay, th-

Officer Taylor: Can we come in?

Buster: This isn't my house. What is this regarding?

Officer Taylor: That's all right.

Taylor spots a Lucille 2 dummy in a chair.

Officer Taylor: You're under arrest for the murder of Lucille Austero. Read him his rights.

Buster: Okay, I think there's been some kind of mistake. That left hand might be difficult to cuff.

Officer Taylor: Trouble cuffing him.

Buster: I'm not a monster!

Taylor raises baton ready to strike.

Cop: I got it.

Officer Taylor: Y- all right, great. (twirls baton)

Buster whimpers as he's led away.

Cut to: Imagine building

John Beard: (on TV) Well, the infamous Bluth family is at it again, this time facing murder charges. And our Imagine cameras were there to capture it all.

Ron Howard: Hey, did you see this?

Brian Grazer: Yeah, I saw it just now in the elevator. Is this the family you've been talking about?

Ron Howard: It sure is.

Brian Grazer: Wow. You got the rights to this?

Ron Howard: Well, only for the killer. But that's enough for us to get a green light, right?

Brian Grazer: Absolutely! It's our next Da Vinci Code!

Ron Howard: Yay! (they hug) That's great. Plus it's gonna put Imagine News on the map.

John Beard: (on TV) This is John Beard. Remember, love each other.