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Transcript of Double Crossers

Transcript of "Double Crossers"
Written by: Dean Lorey & Richard Rosenstock

Season Four, Episode Six

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Terry Crews as Herbert Love
Bob Glouberman as David
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
John Slattery as Dr. Norman
Rich Chrisandanost as Divine Spirit (actually Chris Diamantopoulos as Marky Bark)
Ron Howard as Himself
Isla Fisher as Rebel Alley
Mary Lynn Rajskub as Heartfire
Karen Maruyama as China Garden
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Pedro Lopez as Mercado salesman
Baron Vaughn as Hors d'oeuvre server
Andy St. Clair as Surveyor #1
Brad Morris as Surveyor #2
Tim Meinelschmidt as Detective Smee


The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Double Crossers". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Double Crossers" was written by Dean Lorey & Richard Rosenstock.

Act 1[]

Herbert Love rally

Narrator: George Sr. had come to a political fundraiser to get support for a wall project...

Lucille: To separate the US and Mexico.

Narrator: ...that some considered insensitive.

Lucille: My idea!

George, Sr.: It was your idea.

Narrator: Even though he himself...

George receives a pat-down.

George, Sr.: Oh! Tender.

Narrator: Was feeling more sensitive by the day.

George, Sr.: Curious feeling.

Narrator: But he tried to muster the old self-confidence for his face-time with Herbert Love.

George, Sr.: And I, I just think there will be a lot of support flowing in this relationship, and your base-

Herbert Love: You got a point behind all those teeth of yours?

George, Sr.: If you support the wall, I'll give you a piece of the action.

Herbert Love: Action?

George, Sr.: Yes.

Herbert Love: Action Jackson?

George, Sr.: Yes, sir.

Herbert Love: What do I look like, Carl Weathers to you?

George, Sr.: Oh, no, no.

Narrator: Not at all. This, of course, is Herbert Love.

Cut to: Love campaign ad

Herbert Love: My name is Herbert Love, and I want you to say "hi, low" to my low-high plan. The low is for low taxes - and who doesn't want low taxes for people who make a high income?

Narrator: A candidate whose campaign slogan was embraced by everyone from the very wealthy...

Herbert Love: And who doesn't want a high income?

Narrator: their bankers and tax attorneys.

Herbert Love: High-low, high-low, it's off to work I go - for you! My name is Herbert Love, and I most definitely approve this message.

Herbert Love: Do I look like someone who eats at C.W. Swappigan's? See, I stand for three things. One, getting Barack Hussein Obama Wama Karma Mama on a Llama out of office.

George, Sr.: It's a crazy-town name.

Herbert Love: Two, low taxes for high-income earners. That's my low-high plan.

George, Sr.: I know it.

Herbert Love: And three, getting a little something in my slushie fund so that I'm nice and loose and can help make numbers one and two happen. I don't want to be the one to say it, but I happen to be fond of redheads and greenbacks.

Narrator: George Senior had neither.

George, Sr.: How would you like both?

Herbert Love: Get it for me tonight and I'll make your wall thing the third point of my three-point plan. All I got right now is, "You want to reach your hand into my pocket to pay for your birth control? I get to put my hand in your pocket to put it in." But when I unveiled it in Garden Grove, I had to duck a woman's pump and a mini pizza. Oops.

Narrator: Coming up with money, however, would be difficult for George Senior, who hadn't been acting like his old self - something his twin brother Oscar had done much more successfully earlier that day.

Cut to: Lucille's new home

Oscar: You know, the wall.

Lucille: Have you baked your brain in that pizza oven?

Oscar: So he only did buy that land for personal gain. Well... Oscar?

Lucille: Haha, Oscar.

Narrator: Oscar chose to lie with George's wife.

Oscar: Call me Father B.

Narrator: And although too explicit for an American audience, the lovemaking was intense and beautiful, but for one small misunderstanding that occurred during the afterglow.

Lucille slaps Oscar.

Oscar: N-no. I, I mean, it's good to be out of that sweaty old hot box at the compound.

Lucille: Oh.

Oscar: No, this was amazing.

Narrator: And Oscar finally got more information about his brother's plans.

Lucille: Speaking of that, we may need to have a president ready to go if something should happen to Lucille 2 while we're building the wall.

Oscar: So we are building a wall. Right where Oscar thought he would be spending the rest of his life.

Lucille: (laughs) Turn him around three times and put him in Fullerton, he won't know the difference.

Oscar: Fullerton.

Lucille: You know, I think we should send our son down there. Give him some training, show that he has a job, let him sweat a little.

Oscar: Buster? No, no. I won't, I won't hear of it. It could kill him.

Lucille: I meant G.O.B.

Oscar: Oh! Oh, fine. Yeah, send him down. I love that.

Act 2[]

Narrator: Unaware that he was being cuckolded by his brother, George Senior was struggling to find money to bribe Herbert Love.

Server: Didn't someone die in one of these things?

George, Sr.: Oh, no, not in one of ours.

Narrator: Though his pitch had lost some of its luster.

George, Sr.: And, you know, I mean, it's better than dying in the snow. I mean, not, not, not that you'll die, but if you had to choose, uh... I mean... brr, you know?

Server: Mm-hmm. Well, I'll think about it. Would you like a mini-quiche?

George, Sr.: Oh, I am so sorry, I thought you were a successful Republican strategist. I'm so sorry.

Server: Why, 'cause I'm black?

George, Sr.: Oh, no...

Narrator: It was over. But at least he could go home...

Lindsay: Cindy's gonna love these...

George, Sr.: Excuse me, Red, you're not the only one who likes coconut shrimp.

Narrator: ...with some coconut shrimp.

Lindsay: Well. I should have known you'd be here, supporting this right-wing dangerous crackpot.

George, Sr.: Lindsay! I forgot, you dyed your hair. What are you doing here?

Lindsay: I'm supporting Love as well. We're both doing that.

George, Sr.: Oh, honey, I've wanted to contact you every single day since last May.

Lindsay: I haven't seen you since January.

George, Sr.: Yeah, the first four months I was in denial. How are you? Are you, are you good? D'you have any money?

Lindsay: Not really.

George, Sr.: Oh.

Lindsay: Oh, except for a $50,000 check your wife sent to my daughter for plastic surgery. What kind of a woman does that?

George, Sr.: I thought... there was no money left?

Lindsay: Oh, no. Oh, no.

George, Sr.: Well, that's awful. I mean, she's just precious the way she is. Does Maisie even know about this?

Lindsay: No, thank God. And her name is Maeby.

George, Sr.: You don't think... Maisie's cuter? You know what I want to do? I want to take this, and I want to deposit it in a trust fund that she can't open until she's 21.

Lindsay: I guess I can't use it anyway.

George, Sr.: Are you kidding me? You are the most beautiful little girl I know. (tweaks her nose) And if you have any more work, your cartilage is going to collapse. Let me see if I can... (adjusts nose again) There you go.

Narrator: And that's when George Senior finally tipped a black man.

George, Sr.: Okay. Got the check.

Herbert Love: Ooh! Hey, you got the check.

George, Sr.: Third party.

Herbert Love: Oh, man. I am going to put this on my... wall.

Narrator: George Senior left the hotel hoping he'd accomplished something.

Background explosion, flickering lights and alarms.

Cut to: George driving trailer

Narrator: And on the news the next day...

Herbert Love: We have got to build a wall between us and Mexico.

George, Sr.: Hahaha! Yes! Yes.

Narrator: ...he found out he had. And aside from hating the wrinkles he saw in the rearview mirror around his eyes and brow, George Senior was happy.

George, Sr.: (singing along to radio) All you need is smiles. Lots and lots of smiley smiles. All you need is... What the (BLEEP) is he smiling about?

George stops to talk to surveyors.

George, Sr.: Hello!

Surveyor #1: Oh! Just doing a survey for the US government, ma'am.

George, Sr.: Oh, no, I, I'm a man. I was just, uh, wearing this blouse because I was, uh, driving - and I hate my arms. What's the tape for?

Surveyor #1: Laying out border coordinates for when they put up the wall.

Surveyor #2: Shh-shh! You're not supposed to tell them what it's for.

Surveyor #1: Well... he mentioned the tape, and he looks American.

Surveyor #2: Yeah, but he's in Mexico.

George, Sr.: Wait, guys, no, no. Mexico starts back there, by the gully.

Surveyor #1: Whoever told you that's probably chomping on the maca, if you know what I mean.

George, Sr.: So what you're saying to me is that on this side of the tape, I'm in Mexico. But when I come over here and-

Surveyor #1: Whoa! We're going to need to see a passport, sir.

Surveyor #2: Pasaporte

Narrator: George Senior liked to make men who disappoint him suffer. But things change.

George, Sr.: (sobbing) You really hurt my feelings, guys.

Surveyor #1: No hugging... ma'am.

George, Sr.: I'm sorry.

Act 3[]

Narrator: George Senior had just discovered that the millions of dollars of American property he owned was worthless.

George, Sr.: (into phone) How did you not notice? You saw all the papers.

Narrator: And in Mexico.

Cut to: hardware store

Barry: You can't expect me to read every page of that deal. Besides, that one was particularly difficult because it was all in Spanish. It says very clearly on my business card, "Se habla espanol." I do not speak Spanish. And it was your brother Oscar who told me it was on the border.

George, Sr.: How did he not know?

Narrator: Unfortunately, Oscar missed the signs.

Caption: two years earlier...

Dr. Norman: You think it's okay to burn these?

Oscar: Well, this is America. If they don't want us to burn signs, they shouldn't write them in Spanish.

China Garden: Everybody!

Oscar/Norman/China: (singing) Sign, sign, everywhere a sign, blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind.

Narrator: Only Heartfire knew the truth.

Caption: (Heartfire) "Oh, no, we're not in America."

Oscar/Norman/China: (singing) Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?

Narrator: But the singing was so loud, no one could hear her thoughts.

Caption: (Heartfire) "It's obvious we're in Mexico, right?"

George, Sr.: I bribed Love to push for the building of the wall, and I don't have the land to build it on.

Barry: Call Herbert Love, all right? Tell him you'd greatly appreciate it if he'd rescind his support of the wall.

George, Sr.: And make him a flip-flopper? I can't do that.

Narrator: Actually, he'd tried, but couldn't afford it.

Caption: ten minutes earlier...

Herbert Love: It's a 40 for the flip and a 40 for the flip, and since it's going to cause a flap, I'd say another 40. So it's a flat 40-40-40 flip-flop and a flap fee.

Barry: Well, then find someone who has influence with him.

George, Sr.: Hold on, a client is, uh, coming and I don't know where Oscar is, he's disappeared. And there is something up with him, because he is scary now. He has changed.

Barry takes a ladder to the cash desk.

Barry: Hey, you've changed, you big (BLEEP). You're acting like a little girl lately, and not in a good way. Pull yourself together, act like a man.

George, Sr.: You're right, you're right. Okay. Love you.

Barry: Love you, too. Bye. (to clerk) Cash. No receipt.

Cut to: desert

Man: Hot day, Father.

George, Sr.: Hot day.

Woman: Hot day, Father.

Limo window rolls down.

G.O.B.: Hello, Father.

George, Sr.: Don't call me that! What are you doing here?

G.O.B.: You and Mom talked about it.

George, Sr.: We did? Oscar...

Narrator: In fact, it was Oscar who spoke to Lucille about hiring G.O.B.

Lucille: I meant G.O.B.

Oscar: Oh! Oh, fine. Yeah, send him down. I love that.

Narrator: But not before an ominous warning.

Oscar: But, you know, he has magical abilities. He can handle a lot more than we give him credit for.

Lucille: I know. ...What?

G.O.B.: I would have been here sooner but I had to go down to San Diego and loop my way back up because they put up that border ribbon, which is totally new and I wasn't expecting it.

George, Sr.: Shh!

G.O.B.: It's fine. Anyway, Father, you've got to get me a job so I can be prepared to be president.

George, Sr.: All right, you got to keep his "father" stuff to yourself. I can't have these people think that I raised a limo driver.

G.O.B.: I'm not a limo driver. I'm a gentleman honey farmer. The only thing I've got back there are my bees.

George, Sr.: Beans?

G.O.B.: No, bees.

George, Sr.: Bees?

G.O.B.: Bees!

George, Sr.: (opening door) Bees! Oh! Bees!

G.O.B.: The boxes fell over on the way here when I had to swerve to avoid an ostrich.

Bees everywhere swarm.

George, Sr.: You got to do something about this. These people paid a lot of money. Do something.

G.O.B.: No, they won't listen to me. They've all got CCD.

George, Sr.: CCD?

G.O.B.: Colony Collapse Disorder. The guy sold me just really sick bees. Don't worry. Dad, they're gonna hive. They always hive.

Narrator: Usually by seeking out a structure that most resembles a hive.

China Garden: Bees! Wonderful bees!

G.O.B.: It's okay! It's okay!

Caption: (Heartfire) "I'm allergic!"

George, Sr.: G.O.B., get in there and get them out.

G.O.B.: Okay, I'm on it.

Narrator: But then George Senior got some more bad news.

Oscar: Hello, brother. Thought I'd find you in a blouse and beekeeper hat.

George, Sr.: What are you doing here? No, no, no, no, no. We cannot be seen next to each other. (shouting) I'm Doctor Norman!

Oscar: Well, if you don't want to be seen, then you go in the sweat lodge. You owe me.

George, Sr.: Is that a fact? Listen, you told me the property was on the border. It is 50 feet south of the border, Oscar!

Oscar: Well, excuse me, but they hadn't put up the tape yet. So I was going off Buster's map.

George, Sr.: Oh, God, it was Buster's map.

Narrator: Buster had indeed made the map as a cartography student, because the class where you get to see naked people and draw them was full.

Oscar: And you lied to me. You told me you brought this property to live on. No! You bought this property to put up a wall.

George, Sr.: I told one lie, but I, I was going to share the money with you. Two lies.

Oscar: And why do I think that you charge more than $5 for lemonade?

George, Sr.: Three small lies. Now, will you do me a favor? Just get in the tent. G.O.B.'s getting rid of the bees, and we'll push the matinee till 3:00.

Oscar: No. I am sick of tired of being in that hut pretending to be you. Maybe I should go out there and pretend to be you. So goodbye, George - this is the last you'll see of me! ...Just gonna use the can for one second.

China Garden: There's two Doctor Normans!

Act 4[]

Narrator: George Senior headed up north to see his wife before his brother could...

George, Sr.: Need to come and talk to you.

Narrator: ...but he soon found out he was too late by a day.

Lucille: I know what you're coming up to do to me.

George, Sr.: Right. What?

Lucille: Yesterday, you were amazing. Georgie, I can't stop thinking about it. You haven't been like that in years.

George, Sr.: Oh, right. You mean... slow-witted?

Lucille: I hope you're ready for more of the same today. Mrrowl!

George, Sr.: Uh... Uh. Oh.

Narrator: George Senior had a few problems. His brother was sleeping with his wife. The property he was going to sell to the government to build the US wall on was in Mexico.

Caption: actual border

George, Sr.: All right.

Narrator: And his sweat lodge colony had just collapsed.

George, Sr.: Okay.

Narrator: So he had to deal with first things first.

Cut to: doctor's office

George, Sr.: If my identical twin brother can get it up, then shouldn't I?

Dr. Norman: Have you had any sexual feeling at all lately?

George, Sr.: No!

Dr. Norman: You know, the Hopi Indians believed that this spot here...

George, Sr.: Okay.

Dr. Norman: ...when manipulated, can create sexual feeling.

George, Sr.: That's my penis.

Dr. Norman: Well, you don't have to tell me. Nothing?

George, Sr.: No. Just a little curiosity as to why you're checking your second hand.

Dr. Norman: Oh, this isn't my office.

George, Sr.: You know, I don't, I don't get it. I've been popping the pills, and... I mean, I mean nothing.

Dr. Norman: Are you under any pressure?

George, Sr.: Oh, no. Nothing out of the ordinary. I mean, there's some violating Federal law stuff that'd put me in prison for the rest of my life, but I've made love with treason charges over me before. Yes, but no, it's something else. It's not just the sex. I feel... (tearful) I feel wrong. Somehow. And I'm becoming weak.

Dr. Norman: (takes off oxygen mask) Sorry, had the old thinking cap on. Let's go to the lists.

Narrator: And Doctor Norman proceeded to run through a checklist of alternative medicine questions.

Dr. Norman: Okay, did you drink some water that might have a homeopathic memory of some molecule?

George, Sr.: Do you keep track of the molecules you ingest?

Dr. Norman: Well, with homeopathy, it's the molecules you don't ingest. But, I'm the one who can get hard, so, let's focus on you.

Narrator: He then went on to explore some supernatural or high-concept premise possibilities.

Dr. Norman: Any earthquakes in a Chinese restaurant while you were trying to prove something to your mother?

George, Sr.: No.

Dr. Norman: Any wishes you may have phrased badly, or while a child was blowing out a candle?

George, Sr.: Nope.

Dr. Norman: Have you come across any ancient games, let's say, glowing games, uh, either board-based or carnival-based that you may have played against the wishes of your best friend?

George, Sr.: No.

Dr. Norman: Curses, hexes, spells, shamen, medicine men?

George, Sr.: Wait.

Divine Spirit: The strong will become the weak. The weak will become the strong.

George, Sr.: I did hallucinate one ancient foreboding warrior harbinger while I chewed maca root about a year ago. Could that be something?

Dr. Norman: (through oxygen mask) No, it's not the maca. Your body wants the maca. It's not the maca.

Narrator: But finally, out of desperation, he turned to Western medicine.

Dr. Norman: Okay, I'll tell you what, let's get some film on you. I'd like you to get on an MRI machine and try to ride it to climax. I'm going to send you over to Orange County Imaging - they do a ton of that.

George, Sr.: Do I get magazines?

Dr. Norman: Yeah. I'll write you a scrip for that. They've got a place right around the corner that plays ball.

George, Sr.: Thank you.

Door opens.

Dr. Norman: Oh! (BLEEP) Run.

George, Sr.: What? Oh.

Cut to: Orange County store

Narrator: And soon, after getting his prescription filled...

George, Sr.: Ah, hola? I have, a, um... magazines?

Mercado Salesman: Diez minutos.

Caption: Ten minutes.

George, Sr.: ...he was on his way to debase himself in an MRI machine when he ran into a son with whom he'd lost touch.

George walks into Orange County Imagine.

Michael: Dad, what are you doing here?

George, Sr.: I wanted to speak to you in person.

Michael: Then you’re here to apologize, is that right?

George, Sr.: Sure.

Narrator: Although he covered pretty well.

George, Sr.: And, and of course to see you at Orange County... Imagine.

Michael: I went to you for a simple signature, and you told me to go to hell.

Flashback: Michael sees Oscar and Lucille 2 together.

Narrator: Actually, it was the newly potent Oscar...

Michael: Dad? Hi.

Narrator: ...who, like one of G.O.B.'s sick bees, was pollinating one barren flower after another, who told Michael to go to hell.

Oscar: Go to hell.

Narrator: Which is how George Senior was left with just Señor Señoritas.

Michael: I will use it, except for maybe Señor Señoritas.

Narrator: And that's when he got a lead on his wall problem.

George, Sr.: And all these plans to put a wall down there. Do you know a guy named Herbert Love?

Michael: I know a lot of people, sure.

Narrator: And soon, he surprised Michael by giving him his rights for the movie project.

Michael: ...signature on a, on a release, it’s like...

George, Sr.: Shh, shh, shh. I didn’t know it was about lying to a girl. Give me the release.

Michael: You’d do this for me?

George, Sr.: Of course I will.

Narrator: And then, didn't surprise him.

George, Sr.: If you'll do something for me.

Michael: I knew it.

George, Sr.: Michael, you got to get this Love guy against the wall between the US and Mexico. That's not right.

Michael: You're really opposed to this wall, huh? When did you become pro-immigrant?

George, Sr.: I have changed, Michael. I cry... at the drop of a hat, and I hate the way I look.

Michael: What?

George, Sr.: I actually had one cute hat, and it (sobs) it blew off at the CVS parking lot. And this whole car full of black kids ran over it for no reason. And they saw it! They saw it! Michael... Anyway, I live down there now. And I care for these people who just want to come into this country and ply their wares and let us freely fill the bay with their culture.

Michael: Hey, don't get me started on the Cinco, Dad. I haven't been to one in 20 years. There's, there's gonna be blowback there, it's just gonna happen. You can't swim in that bay for a month after without getting nacho cheese sauce in your hair. It's coming.

George, Sr.: Can you help me, then, with Love? At his speech, at Cinco? Can you do that for your dad?

Narrator: What he didn't tell Michael was that the family would go broke if they had to build the wall.

Michael: Of course I will.

Narrator: Maybe if he had, Michael wouldn't have overplayed his hand as a big-shot producer who knew lots of people. But a deal was soon struck.

Michael: Thanks, Pop.

George, Sr.: All right.

Narrator: And Michael, signed contract in hand, went to show off at the Ealing Club, while George Senior, magazine in hand, went to (BLEEP) off in an MRI machine.

Act 5[]

Narrator: George Senior finally went to visit a wife who was under the impression that he was back for more.

George, Sr.: Please, please.

Lucille: The wrong land?

George, Sr.: It's under control. I'm trying to get Love to come out against the wall. We can't afford to build it if we're not selling the land back to the government. It'll ruin us.

Lucille: It'll ruin us if we don't build it. George, you've gone puny again. Where's the man who took ahold of me yesterday and bent me over this couch?

George, Sr.: Okay, okay, let's not sully its memory.

Lucille: Look, we make sure Herbert Love comes out against the wall - right after we get enough of it up to trigger the government payment. And speaking of getting enough of it up, what's going on down here? You need a little more Marilyn, like I did yesterday? (singing) Happy birthday, Mr. President...

George, Sr.: I, I don't want to be Mr. President.

Lucille: Ha. Especially with all this going down. Oh, and speaking of president, what's happening with G.O.B.? You gave him a job?

George, Sr.: Yes, but then I, I fired him. He caused my colony to collapse.

Lucille: My God, George, get him another job. You must have some favors you can call in somewhere. And then you can have some of my favors, Mr. President.

George, Sr.: As much as I'd like to stay and lay some more pipe with you, I better get moving on this thing.

Narrator: And so the next day, George Senior once again called upon his son.

Michael: Michael B. Project.

George, Sr.: Yeah, you've got to give G.O.B. a job. Something in the, uh, building company, or, uh... Hey, I think he'd get a big kick out of the movie business.

Michael: No, no, no. Dad, hey. He knows nothing about producing.

George, Sr.: Look, I don't care if it's producing a movie that's never gonna be made or selling houses that no one's gonna buy, I just want my son to have a job where his incompetence won't be out of place. Anyway, he's on his way to Sudden Valley now.

Michael: No, he isn't. No, no, come on, Dad. No, no, now?

George, Sr.: What, what? He's gonna make it less valuable? Which I told you..

Michael: Oh, here it is. Here it is.

George, Sr.: ...was gonna happen, by the way.

Michael: Yeah, there it is. Knew it was coming.

Narrator: And even though George had imposed on Michael, it was G.O.B....

G.O.B.: (seeing Michael's StreetView car) What the hell?

Narrator: ...who felt he had a cross to bear.

Michael: (seeing the giant cross in G.O.B.'s limo) What the hell? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I got the right of... Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Horns honking.

G.O.B.: No, no, don't. It's mine.

Michael: Okay, coming through here.

G.O.B.: Mine... Ha! No. No, no. My right of... way! There. Mine.

Michael: Okay. Haha - hey-hey-hey-hey.

Both stop outside the model home.

Michael: G.O.B.!

G.O.B.: Michael!

Narrator: And the two brothers reunited.

Michael: Hey, G.O.B.!

G.O.B.: Michael.

Narrator: Happy to see each other.

Michael: G.O.B.?

Narrator: At first.

G.O.B.: Michael. So. Heard you need help moving these memorials to the death of the housing market.

Pushes over mailbox.

Michael: Actually, that was a memorial to the death of Pete the mailman.

G.O.B.: I knew that. I brought one, too. Size of the man's heart. I just got to figure out how to get it out of the car. If I could remember how I got it in.

Michael: That's not from your Christian magic act?

G.O.B.: Christian magic act? If I were Muslim, would you say "Muslim magic act"?

Michael: No. But, it is hard to imagine any Muslim handcuffing himself to giant glittery cross and living to tell about it.

G.O.B.: Yeah, well, the Christians aren't so (BLEEP) hot about it either.

Michael: Hmm. Well...

Narrator: Michael could see that his brother was unhappy, and that his life had not worked out the way he had hoped.

Michael: Things are incredible for me. I'm having an incredible year. I am a movie producer now, producing a movie. So, they've got me in this enormous office, I told 'em I don't want to be driving to Beverly Hills every single day, so they put me in an enormous office just over here.

G.O.B. looks at the StreetView car.

Michael: Rental.

G.O.B.: My personal life is off the charts. I've met someone. Can't really give you any information. Kind of famous-y.

Michael: Well, good for you. I also met someone.

G.O.B.: Have you?

Michael: Also famous-y. Can't give you any information.

G.O.B.: Is it Julie Bowen?

Narrator: In fact, Michael didn't even find out who she was until one night earlier.

Michael: Oh, my God. I'm dating Ron Howard's girlfriend.

Narrator: Although he did have some of the details wrong.

Ron Howard: She's an actress. You know her.

Michael: I do. Yes, of course I do.

Narrator: She was Ron's illegitimate daughter, a fact unbeknownst to many.

Ron Howard: Well, we kind of like to keep that quiet.

Narrator: A woman who, like Bryce Dallas...

Caption: Bryce Dallas Howard

Narrator: ...and Paige Carlyle...

Caption: Paige Carlyle Howard

Narrator: ...was named after where she was conceived.

Caption: Rebel Alley

Narrator: And she actually had worked for some A-list directors. She did a Terrence Malick...

Close-up of Rebel's eye.

Rebel: Are we the same?

Narrator: She got the lead in a Woody Allen film...

Black and white footage.

Rebel: But I felt like I was in The Iceman Cometh, but, you know, in my case, he faketh.

Narrator: and was once even directed by her own father...

Ron Howard: And... action!

Rebel: Next time, don't pocket it, pay for it. Shoplifting: not cool.

Narrator: a public service announcement.

Ron Howard: And... cut! Hey, you wanna just try another one?

Narrator: Which, like all of Ron's work...

Ron Howard: You know, I think we got it.

Narrator: ...was inspired by a photograph.

Police mugshot of Rebel.

Narrator: Rebel was indeed a rebel. But Michael didn't possess that information.

Michael: I can give you some information about your airless office you're gonna be spending most mornings in.

G.O.B.: You know, what I could go for is some guac.

Michael: Well, you don't live there any more, G.O.B.

G.O.B.: This heat just makes, makes me want guac.

They enter the model home.

Michael: Now, now, I know I've got these things, uh, very, you know, meticulously maintained. There's-

Maeby shrieks off-screen.

Michael: There's... there are some vultures. I think they might still smell Pete. Yeah, if it wasn't for the movie thing, I would do it myself. They practically sell themselves, you just got to bring the people in.

G.O.B.: I'm ready to move in today.

Michael: No, well, people other than you. Bring those people in.

G.O.B.: I'm starving.

Michael: Starving? No, you're not gonna find anything here. They've been abandoned for...

G.O.B. discovers some lemonade.

Michael: Lindsay. No, no, this... maybe Tobias?

Narrator: It was John Beard.

Michael: Shall we?

G.O.B.: Well, the value of these homes isn't gonna go down if we don't sell one today.

Michael: Let me see if I can find a...

G.O.B. breaks the counter trying to open a bottle.

G.O.B.: Do you have a bottle opener?

Michael: Great idea. Cheers.

Narrator: And after a few more drinks and a little more depreciation, Michael admitted he had a rival for his girlfriend.

Michael: That was surprising.

G.O.B.: You don't have to worry about Ron Howard. I mean, he's not competition for you.

Michael: Really?

G.O.B.: No, the guy's like a hundred years old. What's he gonna do, poke you in the eyes?

Michael: Oh, you're confused. Ron Howard directed Apollo 13. You're thinking of Moe Howard, the angry stooge who's been dead for a quarter century.

G.O.B.: Well, that's good 'cause the whole time I'm thinking, like, "Unless she likes a guy who's funny..."

Michael: Sure.

G.O.B.: Because that guy is funny. 'Cause the whole time you're like...

Michael: You know...

G.O.B.: "Is he gonna poke me in the eyes?"

Michael: G.O.B., I don't think that the, the movie - no, it might not even happen, because I don't think that I can ask my son. What happened between him and me was very disappointing.

G.O.B.: You don't need to tell me about disappointment and sons. Let's not forget Steve Holt. That's the story of our relationship.

Michael: Right, well, I was talking about a son disappointing a father.

G.O.B.: Yeah, that does make it different. Look, Michael, he doesn't respect you, so you have to make him respect you. Show him that you're a big shot, that you don't need to live in your son's dorm.

Michael: No, I just live in my parents' penthouse now.

G.O.B.: Well, then, take him to the Ealing Club. It's all showbiz. I used to hang out there all the time. It's just actresses and stuff like that.

Michael: I don't know if I could pick up the phone and call him and ask him...

G.O.B.: You know what, Michael?

Michael: Hmm?

G.O.B.: I'll call him for you.

Michael: Really, you'd do that for me?

G.O.B.: It's the least I could do. You've given me a new sense of purpose.

Michael: Did you actually have... an old one? 'Cause it always seemed like you were just looking for the easy way out.

G.O.B.: Yeah, that was it.

Cut to: George filming while driving

George, Sr.: Hi, I'm George Bluth, of the Bluth Company...

Narrator: George Bluth, meanwhile, was finding an easy way out of the wall problem.

George, Sr.: ...and, uh, we've built this wall! We have miles and, and miles of wall. Uh, will you confirm that, soldier?

Buster lifts binoculars, then almost vomits.

George, Sr.: It's about protecting our border, which is why, uh, we have a member of our armed forces with us today. Say hello. (Buster coughs) It's triple-reinforced, steel-reinforced. And I don't really know how to, how to say that what it does is it protects...

Buster: It's Mexican proof.

George, Sr.: Oh, can't say... Well, gosh darn it, it is Mexican proof. (Buster gags again) Sit up. Uh...

Buster: Daddy, my tummy's turning.

George, Sr.: All right. Um, uh, it's triple-reinforced.

Buster: Daddy, I gotta get out. I gotta get out.

George, Sr.: Uh, we're gonna be... Oh, for God's sakes, get out. (stops)

Buster: I need to get out. I need to get out. I need to get out! I need to get out.

George, Sr.: We're not gonna... We'll edit this part out and... uh... (starts driving again) Anyhow...

Narrator: But George Senior hadn't built miles of wall. He'd just found a roundabout way to make it seem that way.

Trailer circles a round building.

Narrator: And one week later at Cinco, George arrived, hoping to hear Herbert Love...

George, Sr.: (to hat seller) No, thanks. I've already crushed one with my car.

Narrator: ...sway public opinion against the wall, so the Bluth company wouldn't be on the hook to build it for real.

Michael: Pop, hi, hey. Hi.

George, Sr.: Michael.

Michael: Yeah.

George, Sr.: What happened?

Michael: Oh, the...? It's a terrible week. But I'm gonna fix things once and for all right now.

George, Sr.: Is this about Love?

Michael: No, it's about money, but I, I'm... I will pay her back, uh, one way or the other.

George, Sr.: Who?

Michael: Lucille 2. I'm gonna get her against the wall.

George, Sr.: No, no, no, no. She cannot know about this wall.

Michael: Fine, I'll get her up against the top of the stair car. I don't care. It's gonna happen, though.

George, Sr.: I am talking about Herbert Love. Is he going to oppose the building of the wall?

Michael: Oh. Yes. I took care of that. He is going to announce that in his speech tonight.

George, Sr.: That is great news. Listen, I, I have to go. I have to see if I can pass this testosterone test.

Michael: I do too. (laughs)

George, Sr.: And listen, not a word to-

Lucille 2: How dare you?

George, Sr.: Lucille... 2.

Lucille 2: Did you think I wouldn't find out?

George, Sr.: I was going to cut you in, I was trying to protect you so they wouldn't link you to it, but, it turns out that we can't afford to build it anyway.

Lucille 2: Build what?

George, Sr.: The wall in Mexico, the, the high wall. What were, what were you talking about?

Lucille 2: I was talking about you giving money to Herbert Love in his campaign against me.

George, Sr.: Oh, no, no. That was to get Love to support the wall. Oh, I tell you, I've been all over the place on this one.

Lucille 2: I can't be running a company that's building a wall I campaigned against!

George, Sr.: Listen to me, it's taken care of. I just ran into Michael, he's got Love against the wall. It's done, it's gonna be in the speech tonight. It's over.

Lucille 2: It better be, or I'll talk about it in my speech tonight. Now, I've got a stair car to wave from. And I can't be seen with you.

George, Sr.: 'Cause I'm fat. It's because I am fat. You think I'm a fat person.

Lucille 2: You are such a drama queen.

Narrator: George Senior was worried.

George, Sr.: These fat arms. I don't understand this.

Narrator: And so, it was in a state of agitation that George Senior arrived for his doctor's appointment.

George, Sr.: Excuse me, Doctor Norman?

Dr. Norman: You're mistaken. (throws papers into the sea)

George, Sr.: Doctor Norman, it's me! George Bluth.

Dr. Norman: Oh, George. Yes, thank you for meeting me here. I like to do a little housecleaning on the fourth. (to cop) Old quinceanera candles!

George, Sr.: I was wondering if you could tell me my test results?

Dr. Norman: Oh, yes, yes. Uh, well, your testosterone numbers are off the charts. Below the charts. Under the charts. I don't know how to say that. You have almost no testosterone at all. I don't know the exact numbers, but it's somewhere in the baby range. On the plus side, your estrogen levels are that of a very healthy woman in the throes of her menses.

George, Sr.: May I see my results?

Dr. Norman: Ah, I wish you'd asked me about five minutes ago, I think I dumped it with a pot pipe and a bottle of cheetah sedative. Also, the people at Orange County Imagining said that you were masturbating in an MRI tube? Oh, no.

George, Sr.: But, doctor, you, you told me to.

Dr. Norman: I did no such thing. Oh, no. No, no, you can't do that. That sounds like something I would say when I had my thinking cap on. You, sir, are a very funny lady.

George, Sr.: That's what they always say to the unattractive one.

Narrator: It was finally time for Herbert Love to make his speech, when the party was suddenly ransacked. Of course, it was Cinco, so it took a while for anyone to notice. It appeared the Hispanic community had had enough of Cinco de Cuatro.

George, Sr.: Oh, God, the blowback.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: But the blowback created a greater blowback as the crowd that had gathered to hear Herbert Love speak was whipped into a frenzy.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: And that's when George Senior knew he was in real trouble.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: Fortunately, he was able to find a disguise.

George puts on Lindsay's discarded red wig and looks in a mirror.

George, Sr.: Oh, God.

Narrator: Unfortunately...

George, Sr.: This feels right.

Act 6[]

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development.

Orange County Imagine

Narrator: Lindsay surprises Michael after a long absence from his life.

Lindsay: Michael.

Michael: Lindsay.

Lindsay: It's been a long time.

Michael: I know.

Lindsay: It's, uh, a little embarrassing.

Michael: But I have been meaning to get down there, so let's just...

Lindsay: You're right. I mean, it's not like we're even technically related.

Michael: That's true.

Lindsay: Okay, well, then, I'll start with a smear.

Cut to: Penthouse

Narrator: And George Senior gets more comfortable in hiding.


George, Sr.: Yes?

Smee: Detective Smee, Orange County Police. I need to speak with you. Lucille Austero went missing last night.

George opens the door in the wig.

Smee: You mind if we ask you a few questions?

George, Sr.: Oh! I, I don't allow men in my apartment without my husband present.