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Transcript of Indian Takers

Transcript of "Indian Takers"
Written by: Caroline Williams & Dean Lorey

Season Four, Episode Three

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
John Slattery as Dr. Norman
Maria Bamford as DeBrie Bardeaux
Debra Mooney as Joan Bark
Bernie Kopell as Judge Kornzucker
Parvesh Cheena as Kabir
Jessica Chaffin as Junkie
Rich Aliaändanost as Shaman Sheman
Chris Diamantopoulos as Marky Bark
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
John Beard as Himself
Ed Helms as James Carr
Kristen Wiig as a young Lucille Bluth
Mac Brandt as Coast guardsman
Jayden Maddux as Young Buster Bluth
Becky Thyre as Loretta
Clint Howard as Johnny Bark (archive "Key Decisions" footage only)
Ed Begley, Jr. as Stan Sitwell (archive "Development Arrested" footage only)
Rizwan Manji as Animesh & Male concierge
Raja Deka as Veejay
Thushari Jayasekara as Bus passenger
Guru Singh as Jaideep
Priya Ayyar as Female concierge
Nancy Lantis as Clinic supervisor
Eddie Pepitone as Govennah
Jackson Odell as Skateboarder
Andy Blitz as Addict


The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Indian Takers". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Indian Takers" was written by Caroline Williams & Dean Lorey.


Cut: India

Narrator: On the top of a hillside, deep in the mountains of Shuturmurg, India, sits a mystical retreat long sought out by those seeking answers…

Lindsay: Is this real?

Narrator: …to the questions that define us.

Lindsay: I mean, is any of this real? How do I know what’s real?

Narrator: This is Lindsay Bluth Fünke.

Caption: Lindsay Bluth-Fünke

Caption: neither a Bluth nor a Fünke

Animesh: You see me before you, yes? I am real to you. And this bag next to me, it is as real as you or me.

Lindsay: No, I know that one’s real. I meant the other one, the Louis Vuitton. I don’t remember Vuitton having two E’s.

Narrator: The hillside was also known for their bargains on designer handbags.

Animesh: Oh, no. That’s how they do it here. You can’t go wrong. Best bag on the mountain.

Veejay: I love this bag. I give you 60 for it. It’s the best bag on the mountain.

Lindsay: Excuse me. I’ll give you $70.

Animesh: I just promised it to her.

Narrator: Lindsay Bluth had come to India for both reasons.

Lindsay: $120.

Animesh: You just bought the best bag on the mountain. Congratulations. Best bag on the mountain.

Narrator: Now, the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled, and the one daughter who had no choice but to keep her life together.

Narrator: It’s Lindsay’s Arrested Development.

Lindsay: I love it.

Narrator: Lindsay was on a spiritual journey to let go of all possessions and to find something cute to keep her stuff in.

Lindsay: It’s gorgeous.

Narrator: Months earlier, Lindsay had lost her bearings after finding out she wasn’t born to the family she couldn’t bear.

Cut: Sitwell Enterprises

Lindsay: I’m adopted?

Narrator: So, after getting briefly creepy with her brother…

Cut: bedroom

Michael: I’m just not that into older women.

Narrator: Don’t worry about it.

Lindsay: You bastard!

Narrator: She shared some resentments with her family at the boat party.

Cut: boat party

G.O.B.: Kitty likes to scratch…

Narrator: But before she could disassociate herself from the Bluth name…

Lindsay: Because now I know that we’re not related. Anyway, Michael…

Lucille: Oh, my God. it’s the SEC.

Narrator: The Bluth name would become…

Cut: harbor master

John Beard: Is as sullied as Newport Bay on the 5th ofMay.

Lucille: They are persecuting me. It was an accident. This is ridiculous! If I’d told them we were taking a bunch of gays out there to get married, they’d have thrown me a parade. Let’s tell them we were taking a bunch of gays to get married.

Lindsay: Yeah, I don’t think your record on that issue is going to back that up, Mom.

Narrator: In fact, it was an issue of the Bay Window magazine that would most damage her with the gay community.

Caption: Balboa Bay Window - the magazine of the american society of ladies who lunch -- a lot

Caption: Balboa Bay Window: Proposition Ape - Lucille Bluth protests gay marriage by marrying a gorilla

Lucille: Fine. We’ll say they took it on a joyride. And you have no right to criticize me. At least I was able to turn my Queen around.

Tobias: None taken.

Narrator: This is Tobias Fünke

Caption: Tobias Fünke

Caption: Lindsay's acting husband

Narrator: who should have taken more.

Lindsay: You cannot say one nice thing to your daughter, can you?

Lucille: Adopted daughter. And that’s not true.

Coast guardsman: Could I have the Bluth family over here, please? And over here, the victims of the Bluth family?

Narrator: And that’s when Lindsay found a label more fitting than “Bluth.“

Tobias: No, Lindsay, you’re going to the wrong area. Kenny, Chet, Curtis, Mike, Bix, and Gator are over here. We should be over here at the Bluth area with Gob and Buster and, uh…

Tobias: Your brother, uh…

Lindsay: Michael?

Tobias: Michael. Yes. Sorry. I was thinking of Mike, the hot seaman. No, where is Michael?

Lindsay: It doesn’t matter. He’s not my brother. This isn’t my family. No, I’ve spent years…

G.O.B.: Yes! Got my “Yes.“ I got that big “Yes.“

Lindsay: I’ve spent years trying to fit into this family, and it’s not me. My life is a fallacy.

Tobias: Oh…

Tobias: (sings) Is that a gal I see? No, it’s just a fallacy

Tobias: We loved that. Where’s that from?

Narrator: It’s from nothing. But it made her realize this, too.

Lindsay: I don’t know if there’s a right time to say this, but this marriage of ours, it hasn’t been working. Yeah, there’s nothing keeping us together.

Tobias: I believe we’re thinking the same thing.

Lindsay: Yeah, we should end it.


Let's give it another shot... to the head. Kill it.

Tobias: Let’s give it another shot.... to the head. Kill it. Yes.

Narrator: Lindsay was looking for inspiration before she set out on her new path. And it only took until the “Pray“ section of Eat, Pray, Love for her to find it.

Cut: model home

Lindsay: Hmm.

Narrator: Soon, she was beginning a journey - to reinvent herself.

Lindsay: Oh! I’m doing it again. I have to let go of these material things.

Narrator: To leave the trappings of her old life and try to live with less.

Lindsay: There.

Narrator: Her immersion into Indian culture began even before reaching the airport.

Lindsay: And so this daily prayer, it connects one to the whole.

Cabbie: Yes, the whole of humanity. Yes.

Cabbie: (yells) Look at this guy, ah?

Lindsay: Stay in your lane, anus tart!

Cabbie: (BLEEP) anus tart!

Lindsay: God.

Cabbie: You know, you sense the oneness in all.

Lindsay: And they have normal toilets, right?

Cut: airplane

Narrator: And after an hour or so with SkyMall, where she was proud of herself for only buying two things, a self-cleaning litter box in case she ever got a cat, and an inflatable hat box in case she ever got a hat, she got to a great article in the in-flight magazine and found herself filling up with inner peace and acceptance.

Narrator: I mean, not right away.

Lindsay: What is she doing back there?

Narrator: That passenger had been pushing on her seat for, like, four hours.

Cut: airport

Narrator: Lindsay’s journey to let go of her baggage got off to a bad start at baggage claim when she picked up the wrong baggage.

Cut: bus drive

Narrator: And her Western notions of the value of life were challenged on the bus ride to the hotel.

Lindsay: Oh!


Lindsay: Oh, my God. Did we just hit something? Shouldn’t we stop?

Bus passenger: No. It wasn’t a cow. It was just a tourist.

All passengers laughing

Cut: hotel room

Narrator: And that’s how Lindsay’s path to living with less…

Lindsay: Wait. This isn’t my…

Lindsay: How am I supposed to find out who I really am dressed like this chick?

Narrator: …took a brief detour into a shopping spree - at India’s famous Mall Mountain.

Lindsay: It’s cute on me. But I thought it was supposed to say “Kate.“

Jaideep: Oh, no, anything under a small is considered a David Spade.

Veejay: I love this jacket. I’ll give you 60 for it. Best coat on the mountain.

Lindsay: 65.

Veejay: 70! It’d look great on my wife or my sickly son.

Lindsay: 100 bucks. Yes!

Jaideep: $100, yes. That is the best jacket on the mountain for $100.

Narrator: And soon, she was back at the hotel and ready for her spiritual experience.

Cut: hotel reception desk

Lindsay: Yeah, hi. Uh… Were you able to book my 3:00 shaman?

Male Concierge: Oh, yes. Did you want the deep wisdom or just a light ego cleanse? We do those by the pool.

Lindsay: There’s a pool?

Female Concierge: It’s hard to tell because there are so many people in it, but yes, it is a pool.

Lindsay: Well, yeah, by the pool, then. And, um, do you think you can get someone to remove the smell of lamb from my room?

Male Concierge: Of course. And which animal smell would you prefer?

Female Concierge: Which do you prefer?

Cut: tent

Narrator: But at her 3:00 p.m. shaman…

Shaman Sheman: You are living a life without love.

Narrator: …Lindsay got a deeper treatment than she had hoped for.

Lindsay: How do I learn to be happy? You know, to love?

Shaman Sheman: When love is near your heart, you’ll be happy. You must live life truthfully.

Lindsay: Yeah, no, I do live truthfully, but I’m just so full of passion.

Shaman Sheman: You are so full of (BLEEP).

Lindsay: Yeah, yeah. Although, in my culture, “full of (BLEEP)“ is kind of like a dig. I mean, you’d never say it to a customer. But yeah, no, I know what you mean.

Shaman Sheman: This bag is as fake as you are.

Lindsay: Well, how do I learn?

Shaman Sheman: Just look at the spelling.

Lindsay: God. No, I…

Shaman Sheman: Pull your head out of the sand. Love is where you left it.

Lindsay: You mean back home? God. The only person back home is Tobias.

Shaman Sheman: You have no children?

Narrator: Lindsay thought she was being hit on.

Lindsay: No. Why do you ask? Wait a minute. You’re saying I’ve come halfway around the world to find out I need to go back home? God, I haven’t even gone to the beach yet.

Narrator: She had. It was just too crowded to see the water.

Cut: hotel reception desk

Narrator: It was a moving experience, but after leaving the tent, it wasn’t just the shaman’s words that got through to her.

Lindsay: Excuse me. I’d like to talk about my shaman appointment. Specifically, what is your policy on damaged…

Narrator: It was this.

Male Concierge: I’m sorry. Your AmEx was declined. Your account is maxed out. We had to cancel your shaman appointment.

Lindsay: No, no, I just talked to the shaman, just right back at…

Indian singer “Coincidence?“

Male Concierge: (yells at ostrich) Get out! Get out! Go away!

Male Concierge: Get out! Get out! Get out!

Male Concierge: I’m sorry to yell at you, but as I said, it was declined. So get out.

Narrator: But, fortunately, the universe offered a solution to her financial problem that wasn’t too far off from what her shaman had said.

Lucille: (on phone) Oh, I’ve got money for you, sweetie, but it means my loving daughter smiling next to her husband sitting behind me at the trial.

Lindsay: Would you take a grimace?

Narrator: So it was with this dual intention that she reached out to a husband she’d left behind, with a new sense of inner peace.

Cut: airplane

Narrator: Of course, there was still some outer stuff she needed to work through.

Lindsay: I’m ready to make this work.

Cut: living room

Narrator: It was with a sense of enlightenment that Lindsay returned from her spiritual journey.

Michael: …returned from her spiritual journey…

Michael: To get her hands on the stimulus money, too, right?

Michael: Stop with the prayer hands. It just looks like you’re out of ideas. Seriously, shoot me if you ever catch me doing that.

Lindsay: Says the least spiritual man I know.

Michael: What deal did you strike with her? What part of her soul did you buy?

Lucille: All I’ve asked is that she testify that I was a wonderful mother who did her best.

Michael: So all of it.

Lindsay: No, Michael. I’m not a whore. I don’t get any of the money until after I do the disgusting thing. But I’m not here just for the stimmy. I’m here because a shaman told me that love is where I left it. Which, after much soul searching and by process of elimination, is Tobias.

Tobias: I got the part.

Narrator: And so Lindsay and Tobias took another shot at being husband and wife. And although they wouldn’t have money until after the perjury, they set about buying a home.

Cut: realtor office

James Carr: Are you ready to make a move?

Tobias: As you can see, I’m ready for a lot that’s new.

James Carr: Oh! Good heavens! Right! Well, this is a great area. There’s some wonderful surgi-centers nearby.

Lindsay: We’re doing it. We’re really doing this.

James Carr: Yes! We’re gonna get you in the right house. And it’s just the two of you? You have no children?

Lindsay: We don’t.

Tobias: We should be honest here. We have no income flow. No incoming income flow. We have plenty of outgoing income.

Lindsay: No savings, no credit. I mean, we had some stimmy, but that went to his hospital bills. But there’s one thing we do have…

James Carr: Work ethic!

Lindsay: Right. No work ethic. But there’s one thing we do have, we do have a daughter. I was just on auto-pilot before, when I said we didn’t.

Tobias: I should have caught that, yeah, but…

Maeby: I could’ve spoken up, but I just wanted to see if you guys got there.

James Carr: Well, you guys seem like a great family. We have to be realistic. I’m in the real estate business. It’s 2006. That’s all good enough for me. We’re gonna put you in a NINJA loan. “No income, no jobs, no assets.“ And you don’t have to pay a penny for two years.

Tobias: Oh, NINJA, please! So we’ll take something cozy and intimate. A one-bedroom.

Lindsay: Or bigger.

James Carr: Yeah, how about something nice? A three-bedroom?

Lindsay: Three does sound bigger.

Tobias: Oh, it definitely is.

Narrator: You have to remember that this was a time when banks were eager to create as much debt as possible.

Tobias: The five-bedroom, four-car garage.

James Carr: And I know that you guys are going to be okay with just one master bathroom, because a lot of people do prefer two. You know, they like to just have it.

Lindsay: Maybe separate, so we have it.

Tobias: So we have it. That way we have it.

James Carr: That way you have it.

Tobias: Do you think we really need one?

James Carr: I’m just gonna interrupt for a second. You don’t need a wine cellar, if you want to do wine tastings in your butler’s kitchen.

Lindsay: I mean, this really isn’t what we discussed.

Tobias: Well, we didn’t discuss any of this, but, uh, yes, I guess, that way, we have it.

Lindsay: Well, yeah…

James Carr: That way, you’ll definitely have it. And then once you have it, that way, you’ll have it.

Tobias: But do we need a gatehouse?

James Carr: I just put John Beard into a house with a double gatehouse. Now, that’s John Beard, he’s on television. No one’s gonna look down on you just ’cause you have less than John Beard.

Tobias: Is this crazy?

Lindsay: I think so. We’ll take the double gatehouse.

Tobias: Oh, is that what you thought?

James Carr: Well, that way, we’ll have it.

Tobias: We have it.

James Carr: And that way, you have it.

Narrator: There was a lot of this going on back then.

James Carr: This way, we have it.

Narrator: And soon, they were starting their new life in their new beautiful home.

Cut: new home

Lindsay: Mother’s Day eve was the most joyous day of the year. Maeby, you’re gonna be late for school.

Narrator: And what they lost in coziness…

Lindsay: God, they grow up so slowly.

Narrator: …they made up for in cavernous…

Lindsay: And the robot’s dead again.

Narrator: …unfurnished space.

Tobias: Uh… Poor little guy. Ran out of juice before he could reach his…

Narrator: With her mother’s trial coming up, Lindsay made an effort to work on her testimony.

Lindsay: “…when I was hungry, I…“

Lucille: Go on.

Lindsay: You don’t want me to say this next part, do you?

Lucille: I think it tells the story.

Lindsay: But am I accidentally being funny, or am I purposely being funny?

Lucille: It’s not supposed to be funny.

Lindsay: “Suckled at her champagne glass breasts“ isn’t a joke?

Lucille: Buster wrote it.

Lindsay: Recently?

Lucille: I adapted it from a letter he wrote from camp.

Flashback: 1982

Young Buster: I miss you, Mommy. Camp is scary at times. When I was cold, you clothed me. When I was hungry… Uh… How do I say this?

Young Lucille: Suckled at your champagne glass breasts.

Young Buster: Oh, that’s good.

Young Lucille: It doesn’t matter. I’ll be proofing it, anyway.

End Flashback

Lindsay: God. This is from Camp Kiss-A-Me-Mommy?

Lucille: Just read the copy. You’re getting paid for this.

Lindsay: No. You know what? The money is not important to me. My shaman said…

Lucille: Oh, don’t give me that mystical nonsense. You think you’re better than I am, but you’re a lot more like me than you think you are.

Lucille: Now, let’s take it from, “I hope she gives me bubble baths forever.“ And I want to smell the suds.

Narrator: But worse news was around the corner.

Cut: bedroom

John Beard: (On TV) The collapse of the California housing market is taking a personal toll with…

Lindsay: Uh-oh!

John Beard: …layoffs here at the station. In addition, I’m leaving the keys to my 10,000-square-foot home in Harbor Shallows here on the desk…

Tobias: Well, it probably shouldn’t affect our area. He’s over by where the fountain is.

John Beard: Might I say to them, good luck getting that (BLEEP) raccoon smell out of the gatehouse, because I never could.

Lindsay: But you and I are okay, right? I mean, this works, right?

Tobias: Never better.

Narrator: And the week of Lucille’s trial, they got some even worse news.

Tobias: What’s this? Mother’s not going to pay?

Lindsay: She actually said she’d only pay me if my testimony is believable.

Tobias: Lindsay! Lindsay!

Lindsay: But how am I supposed to say something like, “I love you, Mother,“ and sound believable?

Tobias: Look, Jesus… Jesus C. Penny! I wish I had the luxury of not sounding believable. But that’s not an option for an out-of-work actor, is it?

Lindsay: Or it’s why you’re out of work!

Tobias: Well, I beg one’s pardon, but I have been dying to go to that Method Acting Clinic that I see on my nightly drives, but you won’t let me!

Lindsay: Because you already wasted all that money on Carl Weathers’ Master Acting Class.

Tobias: Well, I’m sorry, but I’m such a star (BLEEP) that I didn’t pay attention to anything he said!

Lindsay: Oh, well, then, maybe I should go to your Method Acting Class to make my testimony more believable!

Tobias: That’s actually a good idea. Maybe you could…

Tobias: Oh! Hi. Yes.

Tobias: Well, perhaps we should go together.

Lindsay: Yeah. Might be good for us, as a couple.

Tobias: I do hope so. I really want to make this work.

Lindsay: Me, too. I really love you, Tobias.

Tobias: Oh, Lindsay, we have got to get you to that acting clinic.

Lindsay: And that was with me picturing fudge.

Tobias: Fudge.

Narrator: To bond with her husband and prepare for her testimony, Lindsay had decided to attend an acting class with Tobias.

Cut: Method Acting clinic

Lindsay: This is the first time I’ve actually done something like this with you. I think I always kind of looked down on it.

Tobias: You know Lindsay, I think you’ll find that some of what used to seem clueless about me is actually something I’m quite good at. This is where I belong.

Clinic supervisor: If you’re new here, you need to go to the window. Fill out this form first. And there’s some personal questions on it, like how you first got hooked.

Tobias: Well, that’s an easy one. You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown. No, Mame. No, ma’am… You’re A Good Man… You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown.

Woman on stage: Would you like to start?

Tobias: Gypsy. Gypsy.

Woman on stage: Just come up here and be as truthful as possible.

DeBrie: Okay, this is (BLEEP) overwhelming.

Buster: Oh, they’re starting the monologues.

DeBrie: I’ve been clean for three hours…

Tobias: I think this is from Songs for My Father.

DeBrie: and I’m like this (BLEEP) is (BLEEP) up, right?

Lindsay: What did you say the name of this acting class was again?

Tobias: Method One Clinic.

Caption: Registration form: Garden Grove Methadone Clinic'

Lindsay: Okay, I’m gonna go get coffee.

Tobias: Garden Grove Method One Clinic.

Narrator: And moments later, as Lindsay, once again, found herself questioning her husband’s choices, one of hers was questioned.

Marky Bark: That’s not Free Trade, and if it’s not Free Trade, it’s (BLEEP). I wouldn’t.

Lindsay: You don’t look like a junkie.

Marky Bark: You do. What do you weigh, like, 90 pounds?

Lindsay: That’s so funny! Oh, God, um, thank you. But no, no. If I’m addicted to anything, it’s alcohol. I’m Lindsay. And you’re “Biteme.“

Marky Bark: No, I don’t like giving my name to any state organization, especially after I got kicked off the voter rolls, ’cause I accidentally signed up for the wrong political group.

Lindsay: What group was that?

Marky Bark: I don’t even remember. Just some guy in a booth on the boardwalk.

Narrator: He joined al-Qaeda.

Marky Bark: And I only signed up ’cause he was giving away a free beard brush.

Narrator: That says “al-Qaeda“ on it. But maybe he thought it was the designer of the brush.

Marky Bark: I’m Marky Bark.

Lindsay: Of the tree-freer Barks?

Narrator: Marky was the son of Johnny Bark, an activist that Lindsay had once helped save, and then kill, a tree.

Lindsay: Oh, my God! I remember him! I remember thinking, one day, he was just gonna fall out of a tree and break his neck. Whatever happened to him?

Marky Bark: He fell out of a tree and broke his neck.

Lindsay: Oh, God…

Marky Bark: No, I’m just kidding.

Lindsay: Oh! So how is he?

Marky Bark: Oh, he’s dead. But natural causes. A bunch of deranged bees chased him out of a tree and he fell to his death.

Lindsay: So, are you here alone, or…

Marky Bark: No, I’m with her. She’s a committee member.

Lindsay: Which committee is that?

Marky Bark: Itty-bitty (BLEEP).

Lindsay: What a wonderful sense of humor.

Marky Bark: Listen, the only time DeBrie can keep food down is for about 20 minutes after she comes crashing off the methadone, so would you care to join us as we rustle up some grub to shove down our mouths?

Lindsay: I would like that very much.

Narrator: So Tobias and Lindsay drove to meet their new friends for lunch.

Cut: car ride

Lindsay: They are such a neat couple!

Tobias: Are they neat? It’s so fun to have another couple to go out with.

Lindsay: He’s amazing. I mean, so passionate about real issues. He’s a real activist, like me.

Tobias: And she’s a real actress, like me! Oh, she used to be in big movies, but then, like a lot of actors, the teeth go… But she is the perfect age to be a Hollywood actress, 42.

Lindsay: Is that all? Oh, I think this is the place. It’s a barter restaurant. Marky doesn’t believe in money.

Tobias: Do I like Barter?

Lindsay: No, it means they don’t deal with money. That’s why I swiped that methadone tray.

Tobias: Hmm. What interesting friends we’ve made.

Lindsay: I think this is exactly what our marriage needed.

Narrator: Lindsay and Tobias gathered with their new friends…

Cut: C.W. Swappigan's

Loretta: Hi, y’all! This your first time…

Narrator: …at C.W. Swappigan’s. a chain that sprung up after the economic collapse.

Loretta: …at C.W. Swappigan’s. Well, we are like a Salvation Army meets a soup kitchen, meets a gastro pub, meets a Marxist-or Leninist-type social structure. These are things that you can order and these are things that we will accept. As you see on the bottom, we don’t have the fish, and we’re not taking any more lava lamps. Uh-oh, I can see this one’s got that deer-in-the-headlights look!

Lindsay: Oh, no. He just took some methadone. He thought he was driving with a cocktail tray. Speaking of that, how about mozzarella sticks for the table?

Loretta: Cocktail tray, light scratching, for mozzarella sticks.

Counter Man: Six, no sauce.

Marky Bark: And maybe some sparkling water for the table.

Loretta: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. We’re no longer taking hotel soaps.

Lindsay: This is fun.

Marky Bark: A lot of people couldn’t handle a dumpster dive for their first double date.

Lindsay: Is that what this is?

Tobias: Now, wait a second. I wasn’t driving?

Lindsay: It’s just so refreshing to meet people with real passion about changing the status quo.

Tobias: Lindsay and I don’t have a single friend.

DeBrie: Is the food here yet? I’m not hungry, but, uh… Oh, look, it’s butter.

Marky Bark: DeBrie.

DeBrie: Woooow!

Marky Bark: DeBrie, that’s our butter. We were going to swap it for dessert.

Tobias: No, she’s improvising. Yes, ma’am. You seem to be liking that butter substitute at Swappigan’s. Yes, and what else could you swap for? Uh, yes, and… Oh, I’m out. She’s too good. I don’t know who my guy is. I don’t have a guy.

Marky Bark: No, she just likes butter. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. Don’t touch anything.

Tobias: Marky, I’ll take her. You two just got here. Have a chat about. I’ll clean her up. Come on, DeBrie.

Marky Bark: I’m sorry.

Lindsay: Don’t be. I love it here. My mother would hate this place.

Marky Bark: You know, Lindsay, I have to tell you, when I first met you, I thought you were one of those typical, uptight, snobby, Newport Beach, vapid…

Marky Bark: Nut-busters!

Marky Bark: You know, one of those monsters that lives in a 10,000-square-foot house that they destroyed the wetlands for.

Lindsay: Those were wetlands? That explains our Thanksgiving miracle.

Flashback: new home

Caption: one year earlier…

Maeby: What do you mean, you didn’t make dinner?

Lindsay: I didn’t realize it was Thursday, okay? There’s got to be something here.

Tobias: Get it! Get it!

Lindsay: Chase it into the oven!

Lindsay: Come on. Come on. Here, little ducky.

Tobias: That’s a good duck.

Lindsay: Good duck.

Tobias: In you go!

Tobias: This is going to be the greatest Thanksgiving ever.

Lindsay: It’s a miracle!

End Flashback

Lindsay: Well, I actually do live in a fairly large house right now. But we’ve never made a payment on it.

Marky Bark: So you’re sticking it to big banking. That’s cool.

Lindsay: Yes.

Lindsay: In fact, I’m only in America because a shaman told me that love would come to me when I accepted who I am and didn’t run away.

Marky Bark: Sounds like a good shaman.

Lindsay: Oh, he was the house shaman at the Four Seasons Mumbai, so you figure he’s got to be pretty good. Oh, and he turned into an ostrich at the end, so… They’re not going to have that at the Embassy Suites.

Marky Bark: That’s funny. I actually run an ostrich farm.

Indian singer “Coincidence?“

Lindsay: That’s not a coincidence.

Indian singer “Yes, it is“

Lindsay: Marky, I’ve got to tell you, talking about these social issues, it’s the first time I’ve felt like myself in a really long time.

Marky Bark: That’s because I say what I mean, I do what I feel. No lies.

Narrator: Lindsay felt guilty because she was about to go enter a crab house / courtroom and do just that.

Marky Bark: That’s why my motto is, “Live truthfully and skate through life.“

Narrator: Marky felt guilty because it wasn’t his motto. It was the motto of a surf and skateboard company.

Cutaway: commercial video on website

Skater: Live truthfully. Skate through life.

End Cutaway

Lindsay: That’s amazing.

Marky Bark: I haven’t felt this deep a connection with someone in a long, long time…

Marky Bark: …other than DeBrie.

Lindsay: I can’t believe we just did that.

Marky Bark: I can’t believe how little give your teeth have.

Lindsay: So, where do you keep your ostriches?

Loretta: Sheraton mini soap for a taco salad?

Counter Man: We don’t take hotel soap!

Narrator: And perhaps it was to get back at her mother…

Marky Bark: Leave a tip! Leave a tip!

Narrator: Or to get out of a relationship that had been over for a long time, but that’s when Lindsay hopped off to pursue a life she felt was her destiny.

Cut: trailer

Narrator: And the new lovers discovered each other. The beautiful female body, the horrible male.

Lindsay: Wow. That was so fast.

Marky Bark: Thanks. I didn’t know how long we’d be stuck in traffic, so… Oh! And it sounds like it’s moving, so…

Car driver: Move it! Come on! Come on! Let’s go!

Marky Bark: Careful!

Narrator: And as they drove, they learned so much about each other.

Marky Bark: I was always just in such a rush to grow up and change this world, and foolishly, the teeth I pulled were my adult teeth. So this guy all the way to that guy back there, that’s just a piece of wood I stick in there. I mean, they’re just chewing tools. I don’t care about looks.

Lindsay: But you find me pretty, though, right?

Marky Bark: No. I have no idea what you look like. I have this condition called face blindness. I mean, I can tell you’re a woman.

Lindsay: Oh, stop.

Marky Bark: But, honestly, no, all I see is, eyes and nose, hair, ears and…

Marky Bark: But I can tell you got a great heart, Lindsay. I can tell you’ve been living a lie.

Marky Bark: You and I are going to change this world together. Whoo!

Lindsay: You know, my shaman told me that I should stop caring about appearances. My whole life, that’s all anyone has ever praised. All my mom ever cared about. Because I’m really pretty. I just thought I’d tell you that so the story made sense.

Marky Bark: I don’t care.

Lindsay: But I guess it’s kind of karma that I ended up with someone who wanted to make love to me no matter what I look like.

Marky Bark: Also wanted to make sure you weren’t a dude. I can tell with voices usually, but some guys, they’ll fool you if that’s what they want to do.

Marky Bark: Hey… Are you smiling at me?

Narrator: Lindsay decided it was only fair to let her husband know their new start had reached a new end.

Cut: phone booth

Lindsay: I left. I guess you noticed. Look, I’m sorry. I really do care about you, Tobias, but we were trying to save something that just couldn’t be saved. And I have to follow my shaman’s advice. I have to be true to myself for once. And Marky, he sees me for who I really am. He respects me and…

Marky Bark: Come on, lady! You want to wrap this up? My lady needs to call her loser ex.

Lindsay: Marky, it’s me. it’s Lindsay.

Marky Bark: Oh! I thought you were taking a dump. I must have scared the (BLEEP) off that lady in the bathroom when I threw the door open and told her I loved her.

Lindsay: He loves me?

Marky Bark: (to bathroom) Sorry. False alarm. I don’t love you.

Lindsay: I got to go. Can you delete this so I can leave a message for Maeby?

Marky Bark: It’s good. She’s fine.

Narrator: And soon, the lovers arrived and discovered the joys of their new desert home, dancing and making love all night.

Cut: ostrich farm

Lindsay: Now, that time…

Lindsay: …was also very quick.

Marky Bark: And now we’ve freed the night up to dance again. Come on.

Lindsay: Okay.

Narrator: And the next day, Lindsay awoke to discover the destiny foretold to her in India in drab colors before her.

Joan Bark: Get away from her. Don’t mess with her! She’s none of your business.

Lindsay: Thank you.

Joan Bark: I said get away from her, you slut! You’re scaring the bird.

Marky Bark: No, no, Mom. Mom, she’s with us. She lives with us now.

Marky Bark: And, Mom, she tells me she’s pretty.

Lindsay: I have the worst (BLEEP) shaman.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development

Cut: court room

Barry: The defense calls to the oyster bar thing where they sit the adopted daughter, Lindsay Bluth.

Narrator: Another chair is empty at Lucille’s trial.

Barry: Lindsay…

Judge Kornzucker: Mr. Zuckerkorn, Shrimp-Shooter Night starts in 15 minutes. Is your witness going to appear?

Barry: “Appear.“ Oh, I thought the one on the pier was a Bubba Gump’s.

Cut: trailer

Narrator: And, in an effort to be less glamorous, Lindsay cuts her hair, only to discover, much to her frustration…

Lindsay: Great. Even cuter.

Cut: Garden Grove Methadone Clinic

Narrator: And Tobias becomes addicted to his new profession.

Addict: I’m an addict, and I’m starving.

Tobias: Yes, you are starving, so would you like some butter? I could give you some butter, and you can pay for it with a shoe. Um, I’m sorry, but his guy’s not giving my guy anything to react to. Could I get some more of that acting juice?