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Transcript of It Gets Better

Transcript of "It Gets Better"
Written by: Dean Lorey & Richard Rosenstock

Season Four, Episode Thirteen

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Ithamar Enruquez as Carlos
Lonny Ross as Jonah Feinberg
Evan Gaustad as Terry
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
Isla Fisher as Rebel Alley
Seth Rogen as Young George Bluth
Kristen Wiig as Young Lucille Bluth
John Beard as Himself
Andy Richter as Himself
Andy Richter as Rocky Richter-Wang
Ron Howard as Himself
Jeff Garlin as Mort Meyers
Tom Saunders as Tom
Richard Jin Namkung as Paul 'P-Hound' Huan
John Yuan as Doug Fleer
Matt Yuan as Dean Fleer
Mae Whitman as Ann Veal (no lines, uncredited)
Maria Thayer as Tracey Bluth
Nadine Velazquez as Rosalita
Dan Zott as Guitarist
Kunal Sharma as Ray
Olivia Taylor Dudley as Rose
Antonia Jaramillo as Bernardo
Tara Copeland as Deann
David Henrie as Himself
Amy Heidt as Publicist
Lauren Katz as Scarlet Letterman
Joe Martin Thomas as Security Guard
Jake Martin as Ealing Club host


The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "It Gets Better". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"It Gets Better" was written by Dean Lorey & Richard Rosenstock.

Act 1[]

Pool party in Sudden Valley

Narrator: George Michael Bluth had never been more popular.

George Michael tumbles out of a bouncy castle.

George Michael: (laughing) No!

Narrator: He was surrounded by people who were thrilled to be in his company.

George Michael: No, I'm fine, I'm fine, he was tickling me. Carlos was just... tickling me.

Terry: They're almost out of root beer. So, I got you one with the last bit of root beer, because I remember that somebody was saying that, um, George Michael likes root beer.

Narrator: And his business was taking off.

George Michael: Ah, well. I do. Thanks a lot. Hey, you guys don't have to do all this, you know. This was just a little get-together for my girlfriend to show her I'm doing well, you know?

Narrator: So was his romantic life.

George Michael: Show her I'm an adult.

Carlos runs up and tickles George Michael.

George Michael: Hey, hey, stop!

Terry: That was the last root beer snow cone! I got that for him, Carlos!

Carlos: Teach you for being such a kiss-ass, Terry.

Narrator: And it was an ex-Bluth company employee who was the most grateful to be in his company.

Tom: Come on you guys, not cool. He means a lot to all of us. Want any of these?

George Michael: No, I'm fine. You know, I really appreciate... you guys doing all this. I... just wish I understood... why?

Tom: That's why! Because you could ask us why we do this, and mean it.

Terry: The fact that you could be so down to earth...

Carlos: And look so young.

Terry: ...while you're starting this giant company.

Carlos: You've created an opportunity many of us thought we'd never have again.

George Michael: See, that's the part I don't understand, Carlos.

Carlos: You know my name! What's his name?

Terry: You're the kiss-ass, Carlos.

Carlos: What's his name?

George Michael: Okay, guys, I'm gonna learn all your names. I promise.

Rebel Alley: George.

Narrator: And that's when he heard what had become his name.

George Michael: Rebel.

Rebel Alley: Hey, uh, what is, what is all this?

George Michael: Uh, it's just a little surprise.

Rebel Alley: You did this for me?

George Michael: Yes! Well, well, they, they did it for me, but only because they knew I wanted to do something for you.

Rebel Alley: Maybe we could talk without your friends?

George Michael: I mean, these guys aren't really my friends, you know. I barely know their names. I mean, I know Carlos, but only because of that old song Carlos the Tickle Monster.

Rebel Alley: Wait, what song is that?

George Michael: Oh, God, I knew he made that up. But it did help me remember! Anyway, don't worry about these guys. They're not listening to a word we're saying. How about that kiss?

Rebel Alley: We need to talk.

All: Ooh...

Act 2[]

College music room

Caption: months earlier...

Narrator: George Michael's life was very different months before developing the software program that would change his life.

Guitarist: (singing) Keep those balls in the air, keep those balls in the air...

George Michael: (tapping woodblock) And... that's where the song should've ended. So I guess we all got a little carried away.

Guitarist: Are you sure? We all ended at the same time.

George Michael: Yeah, well, that's because you all sped up together. Now, you know, if I was playing in your band, I would say, "You know, hey, let's do the whole fast and loose tempo thing." But this is about my demo tape to Juilliard, and they've got to dig what I do so much that they start an entire department for woodblock. So, I'm sorry, guys. And you're leaving, okay. They left early. Proves my point. (to P-Hound) She was cute. They were playing way too loud anyway. Could you even hear the woodblock?

P-Hound: Right at the end. We could record you separately and then mix it louder on the computer.

George Michael: Well, then I'm not playing in a band. I meant, the whole point of the band is to showcase my amazing internal clock. You know, that's something you have to be born with.

Narrator: Or bred with. Which was the case with George Michael, who, as a small child, appeared in a promotional video for a developmental tool called BabyTock...

Young George, Sr.: BabyTock will give your child a head start at math. And, if I were a doctor, I would guarantee you that it would also boost their brain power by 110%. That's a lot of brain power.

Caption: NOT a Medical Doctor. Guarantee can NOT be guaranteed.

Young George, Sr.: You've been using BabyTock, correct? For how long?

Caption: Tracey B. Mother

Tracey: For two months. But George Michael really enjoys listening to the sound.

Young George, Sr.: And would you say it's... changed the power of his brain?

Tracey: Uh, well, that's impossible...

Young Lucille: (overdubbed) deny! I've always wanted a smart baby. This thing really works, George.

Narrator: In fact, it came from something that didn't.

Young Lucille: So we're stuck with 5000 of these worthless cornballers?

Narrator: When they were looking to recoup some of their costs after an ill-fated foray into the fry-at-home snack-food market.

Young George, Sr.: Whoa, whoa, they're not worthless, you know. The timer still works. There's no numbers on it, but it's very loud, so...

Young Lucille: Perfect... for those who like the sound of a clock but don't know their numbers.

Young George, Sr.: That's good. We'll sell this to baby- (touches cornballer) Ow! Mother of (BLEEP). We should put these in cribs.

Young Lucille: That's not a half-puny thought.

George Michael: And that Juilliard thing is confidential from my dad by the way. He's never gonna want me to pursue a career in...

P-Hound: Hitting a block of wood.

George Michael: Music, yes. You know, he still thinks of me as the same George Michael that I was before my life blew apart... You know, before the world cracked me open and I became the guy you're looking at now.

P-Hound: George Michael 2.0.

George Michael: God, I hate my name.

Narrator: The last five years had been a whirlwind for George Michael.

Cut to: penthouse

Narrator: He celebrated going off to college at a party with his family.

George, Sr.: Hey! Next week, huh? Congratulations!

George Michael: Yeah, thanks.

Lucille: We are so proud.

George, Sr.: We have a little something for you.

George Michael: Oh, no, you don't have to do anything. I mean, you, you threw me this... meeting.

George, Sr.: Little something something to buy a car.

George Michael: Oh, God, really? No!

George, Sr.: Yes.

George Michael: Maeby!

Maeby: Oh! (laughing)

Narrator: But the party wouldn't last long.

Michael: (walking in) You know what? I am done with this family. I hope you’ve saved some money, ’cause you’re gonna need every dime now. What’s this? (looks at check) Return it. Or rip it up.

George, Sr.: Michael.

Michael: Come on. Give it a rip. Rip it up, right down the center. That's it. Rip it. Couple more. Did you get it? Proud of you. (leaves)

George, Sr.: Happy birthday.

G.O.B.: Happy birthday, George Michael.

Tobias: Happy birthday.

All: (singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...

George Michael leaves.

Narrator: But don't worry, Michael did make sure his son got a car...

Michael: Get out of here! Whoo.

Narrator: he sent him off to college.

Banner knocks George Michael's luggage off the top of the stair car as he drives off.

Narrator: And although he arrived at college without his possessions, he was finally at a place where he felt he'd fit in.

Stair car gets wedged in entrance to parking garage.

Man: Hey, hey, check it out!

A crowd gathers to laugh; George Michael sneaks out of the stair car to join them.

George Michael: (laughing) No, no, no. What?

Act 3[]


Narrator: In his freshman year, George Michael hit the ground running.

George Michael walks between two frisbee throwers and gets hit.

George Michael: Sorry.

Narrator: He was breaking some of the old taboos.

George Michael: Let's make it a... Pepsi.

Narrator: Drinking Pepsi in the morning.

George Michael: So, it's a breakfast combo with a Pepsi.

Narrator: Sometimes having eggs at night.

George Michael: How about some eggs? Oh, excuse me, I forgot it wasn't morning.

Narrator: He was soon finding that others enjoyed his sense of humor.

George Michael: (laughing) I forgot it wasn't morning.

Narrator: A present from his Uncle G.O.B. elevated his newfound confidence.

Rides up to girl on Segway.

George Michael: Hi. My uncle is a... magician.

Girl walks off.

Narrator: Before diminishing it.

He abandons the Segway.

Narrator: but before he knew it, sophomore year was upon him...


Narrator: ...and everything got turned up to 11.

George Michael playing air hockey.

George Michael: Boom! And that's what we call only being behind by three.

Cut to: campus

George Michael: So then that stuff's all going on with this Sitwell company. And then... we end up playing them in a softball game.

Narrator: Highlights, loyal friends.

Caption: Becky, friend

Caption: Ray, friend

George Michael: I'm like, "How can that..."

Narrator: Romance.

George Michael kissing Becky.

George Michael: (whispered) Becky.

Narrator: Betrayal.

George Michael: Becky? What's up, Ray?

Ray: You guys broke up.

George Michael: Oh, thanks, Ray, I almost forgot.

Narrator: The triumph of friendship.

George Michael: What's up, Ray?

Ray: Hey. (hands him his backpack)

George Michael: Oh, thanks, Ray, I almost forgot. You know who I was thinking about before you sat down?

Ray: What?

George Michael: Becky. Do you remember?

Narrator: And as surely as stability returned...


Narrator: ...junior year ushered in a new era of experimentation...

Caption: Human Sexuality Lab, Kissing Study

Woman: It's all about the science of kissing between a man and a woman.

George Michael: That always has fascinated me.

Woman: Good. Sheila will take you.

George Michael: Hi. Oh, I'm not gonna be with, uh...?

Narrator: George Michael tried to compensate for his lack of income from his father by volunteering for experiments.

George Michael: Hi. (he's strapped into a chair) So I don't run off?

Sheila: I hope you're not feeling too awkward.

George Michael: Oh, don't be crazy.

Sheila: Now, when the mouth to mouth test begins, I'm gonna be yelling out letters that indicate mouth movements. What I need you to do is just give me on a scale of 1 to 10, your pleasure level.

George Michael: Fine.

Sheila: 10 being the most pleasurable, 1 the least. Let's hope we get to 10.

George Michael: Well, work our way up to it.

Sheila: Bringing in the mouth unit!

Narrator: And that's when he realized what the straps were for.

George Michael: (jumps) Oh, is that... Okay, I guess so it's not, uh, gonna be a person.

Sheila: And C?

George Michael: I think one on C.

Sheila: M? M?

George Michael: One on...

Sheila: M?

George Michael: One for sure on... One.

Sheila: And Z?

George Michael: One.

Sheila: N?

George Michael: One.

Sheila: F?

George Michael: One. One.

Sheila: F? F?


Narrator: But it wasn't until his year abroad that George Michael got an education in life.

Caption: UCI Extension Campus

George Michael: Because after a year of trying not to be an imposing guest in his new country, he was ready for a summer that would end up turning his life upside-down...

Cut to: house

Rosalita and a man shout at each other in Spanish over George Michael's head.

Narrator: ...when the woman whose children he was nannying...

The man leaves and Rosalita throws a vase after him.

Narrator: ...opened him up sexually.

George Michael: Hey, hey. Did Ernesto get his 4:00?

Rosalita: The drones are coming! Nothing matters now! (starts to kiss him) Why do you kiss like this?

George Michael: Like what?

Rosalita: The teeth! They must not be used like this.

Narrator: It was actually a jaw and lip retraction issue, but she had neither a command of the language nor the data that we do.

Rosalita: You make love like a boy!

George Michael: Spanish, speak to me in Spanish. Because the only way the college credit is actually activated is if I have...

Rosalita: Tómame.

George Michael: Cook... cook at... cooking at you?

Rosalita: Overpower me! Oh, yes. Make me cry.

George Michael: You're a terrible mother.

Narrator: And so it was a very different George Michael that returned to school for senior year.


Narrator: Eager to unleash his new overt sexuality on an unsuspecting campus.

George Michael: (to freshman whose van is stuck) Hey, man. It gets better.

Narrator: And for George Michael, senior year did get better. He was like a king returning to his castle.

George Michael: I sort of feel like a king returning to his castle.

Narrator: Only to discover that they thought he was two kings.

Dean Fleer: Welcome to your castle.

Narrator: And they had doubled the size of his castle.

George Michael: Double castle.

Doug Fleer: Can't wait to meet Michael, George.

Narrator: It would be the perfect backdrop to unveil George Michael 2.0.

George Michael: Todo mío. ...Todo mía? Mío.

Caption: two months later...


Narrator: But George Michael's development was about to be forestalled.

George Michael: Dad!

Michael: Pete died.

George Michael: God. ...Uh, who's, uh, Pete?

Michael: Don't worry about it. Don't you worry about it. I like this. I like the mustache.

George Michael: Oh. It's kind of fun.

Michael: That's great. Probably gonna want to shave it off by the start of next quarter, otherwise, they're gonna think you're a musician. Huh? But I love it... Dude.

Cut to: campus

Caption: six months later...

George Michael: I'm never gonna be louder than an electric guitar. Maybe using a band to showcase my wood block skill is a dumb idea.

P-Hound: Too bad there's no such thing as an electric woodblock.

George Michael: That sounds like a mother of an invention.

Narrator: And so they set to work inventing a downloadable app that would allow one to play an electronic version of a woodblock on their smartphone.

George Michael: See, that's important. Well, that's what it is. So it's basically like you'll always have a woodblock with you. (laughing) I can't believe nobody's ever done this.

Narrator: A quick something search would have shown the guys that there were already three woodblock apps on the market.

P-Hound: So, there are three on the market...

Narrator: Which they did.

George Michael: Es y estamos en ahumada.

Narrator: But even after doing that search, they were undeterred.

George Michael: Download them. Come on, let's do it.

P-Hound: I hope we're not doing this on my account.

George Michael: No, we're doing it so that we can see what the competition is like.

P-Hound: No, I mean... on my iTunes account.

George Michael: It's 99 cents.

P-Hound: Yeah, times three!

Caption: moments later

Narrator: And soon they realized what kind of competition they were up against.

Woodblock sounds from phone.

George Michael: Well, these are a (BLEEP) joke.

P-Hound: (laughing) I know.

George Michael: Where are the mallet options? There's no choice of wood weight or grain type. There's no diameter hole option. I mean, what is this, BabyTock?

P-Hound: BabyTock?

George Michael: You know, the sharp metal box that you put in the crib. Is that not a well-known...?

P-Hound: But this is fine.

Narrator: And they set to work.

George Michael: No, I understand that, I get that. But it j- but it just seems like you're leaving a hole just right in the middle of the block.

P-Hound: Well, it won’t be a block on anything 3G.

Narrator: Although some of the work had to happen outside the room.

Michael: Buddy, is that schoolwork?

Narrator: Which was challenging. And soon they were close to finishing an app they had decided to call...

George Michael: (into phone) "Woodblock." (to P-Hound) It's taken. "Blockwood." It's taken.

Narrator: And that's when he came up with...

George Michael: "Block of wood"?

Narrator: Which was also taken.

George Michael: Wow.

P-Hound: Block-block?

George Michael: No. People are gonna think we're in the chicken noise business.

P-Hound: How is that a chicken noise?

George Michael: You know... (standing) Well, it's kind of hard to do in these matador pants, but, you know... Block-bl...

Man: (on phone) Fakeblock is available. Do you want Fakeblock?

George Michael: Oh, uh, okay. They have Fakeblock. Okay, yes, we'll take that. No problem. That's no problem. Could you hang onto that for me, please, and I'll call you back? Thank you. I-it's $5000 for the domain name, and then there's this whole XML website fee.

P-Hound: I got the last one.

George Michael: That was 99 cents.

P-Hound: Times three!

Narrator: And George Michael realized he needed to bring in some cash.

Cut to: college office

Woman: We actually have a variety of subjects that high school students need tutoring in. If you want to just take a look at that list and let me know if there's anything there that you've handled before.

Narrator: There was. Although George Michael couldn't imagine it was the same Maeby.

George Michael: Is this F in "Maeby F" her last name or her grade?

Woman: It's her last name. But her most recent grade is... Well, this just shows an Elvis Presley head.

George Michael: So, that bad? I'll take her.

Woman: Stay on top of her. You may need to ride her pretty hard.

Cut to: dorm room

George Michael: (to mirror) "Hey, you must be... What?"

P-Hound: This is the girl you broke up with?

George Michael: "Huh? What is this?" I can't wear this. Yeah, well, we dated for a while, but, you know, I was a kid, and I didn't know how to kiss yet. I don't know, for whatever reason, I listened to my dad who said she wouldn't make it work.

P-Hound: Was she your first?

George Michael: Cousin? No. Why would you... Why would your mind go right to th... no. No, it's just he was right. We were kids. I wasn't yet O.S.

Narrator/P-Hound: Overtly sexual.

George Michael: Right. "As I live and breathe. Crazy. That's just crazy."


George Michael: Okay, so listen. After I let her in, you go and try and keep my dad out. All right? I can't let him get in the way of this one. (opening door) Hey, you must be...

Narrator: But first he had to cover his tracks.

George Michael: What?

Narrator: This had to look like fate.

Maeby: George Michael?

George Michael: Huh? What is this? Maeby, what are you... doing here? As I live and breathe. I...

Narrator: But for the phrase, "As I live and breathe," he nailed it.

George Michael: I thought you were the girl. I'm supposed to tutor a kid from...

Maeby: High school. Yeah. That's me.

George Michael: Crazy. That is just crazy.

Narrator: And even though George Michael wanted to seduce her, he couldn't help but challenge her strategy for staying in high school.

George Michael: But still, I mean, you have to make a living, right? Don't you need an education?

Maeby: Well, don't forget... I'm a heiress.

George Michael: A Harris?

Maeby: Yeah. Someone who "inherits" a lot of money.

George Michael: Yeah, well, you know, I wouldn't put all my Anns in that basket.

Maeby: You know, it's fine. You don't get it. You've never been a risk taker. I like to (BLEEP) with people. That's what I do. I'm making a statement.

P-Hound: I love it.

Maeby: You know, I knew you were cool when I saw you wearing that shirt.

P-Hound: Thanks.

Narrator: More betrayal.

George Michael: Oh, no, I get it, too. No, I love... I love it too. You know, I... I love to... love... now.

Narrator: George Michael found himself less overtly sexual than he'd hoped.

George Michael: I made a 40-year-old woman cry in Spain.

P-Hound: I love making love to Spanish women.

George Michael: Get out.

Narrator: And George Michael slipped back into seduction mode.

George Michael: A man, a woman... A bedroom. Let's solve for X.

Maeby: I don't know what you're talking about.

George Michael: Well, you know, in algebra, that you have an unknown element, and, uh, we call it X, and then you have to solve for it to find out what number X is.

Maeby: X isn't a number.

George Michael: So you don't even really know the basic, the basic...

Narrator: But in that moment, the urge to educate her was more powerful than the urge to kiss her.

George Michael: (bringing out whiteboard) ...stuff real quick.

Caption: x minutes later...

George Michael: All right, so if you take something like this, 3X + 1 = 10...

Narrator: And with the algebra lesson complete, George Michael pivoted back to his overtly sexual seduction.

George Michael: So therefore, when I say, "You and me in a bedroom, let's solve for X," I'm, I'm stating it as a kind of formula.

Maeby: Yeah, let's get wasted. Let's... drink that formula.

George Michael: (laughing) It's not that kind of formula. No, I'll show you what a formula is real quick, 'cause that's very important. You're gonna wanna...

Narrator: But when the door opened...

George Michael: Dad.

Narrator: ...George Michael's window of opportunity closed.

Michael: Bad news. P-Hound is yanking our chain again.

Maeby: Uncle Michael.

Michael: Oh, my God.

Narrator: And after a brief reunion, George Michael had another opportunity to impress his cousin.

Michael: Have you told her about your software?

Maeby: No. Software?

Michael: He's got this privacy software. Keeps people from stealing your stuff. Tell her, pal.

Maeby: So it's privacy software that's also anti-piracy?

Narrator: George Michael weighed his options. Maeby had chastised him for not taking risks, and what would be a bigger risk than perpetuating a lie about software just to ignite the passions of a woman? Of course, it would be a lie, and since Maeby wouldn't know it was a lie, he wouldn't appear to be taking a risk. Perhaps the bigger risk was to tell his father he was lying. That he came up with it because he wanted his father to leave so he could enjoy what remained of his senior year. After all, he wondered, wouldn't that be the course of action taken by an overtly sexual man? A man who owns a pair of matador pants? He had not responded now for 41 seconds, according to his unfailing internal clock, and it was time to come clean.

George Michael: Well, thanks, yeah. It's a, well, it's just a Boolean... driven aggregation, really, of what programmers call "hacker-traps"...

Narrator: And he found himself suddenly and effortlessly tapping into a long-inbred instinct for lying.

George Michael: ...which uses false meta-data on top of false rate authentication and a fake profile...

Narrator: A Bluth taking his first steps in deceit.

George Michael: ...that would misdirect, completely copy those users away from anyone's personal information and... so, you know, in other words...

Narrator: But, the more he talked, the more he actually started to like the idea.

George Michael: ...when you, when you have friends over, you know, you're listening to music and they want to steal your music and copy your movies, or, or just look at your photos. You know, this prevents that. It just neutralizes that so it's not even a threat anymore. It's called Fakeblock.

Michael: Great name. Right?

George Michael: Yeah, well, you know, it's super low-hanging fruit. Someone's gonna do it. We're just trying to be those guys, you know.

Cut to: computer lab

Narrator: And, impressed with his own invention, he set about making an impossible dream a reality.

George Michael: It's a fake profile that leads hackers away from your actual profile. Do you think we can make something like that?

P-Hound: You mean something that keeps everything on the internet private and protects everyone's digital rights?

George Michael: Yeah, I mean, think about it. Everyone has something that they want removed from the Internet.

Narrator: George Michael certainly did.

Cut to: Rosalita's house

Video of 13-year-old George Michael playing at swinging a lightsaber on a laptop.

Narrator: And if the new software served no other purpose than removing this...

Rosalita: (subtitled Spanish) "I ****ed this guy!"

Narrator: would be worth it.

Rosalita stands up, revealing herself to be heavily pregnant.

Cut to: computer lab

George Michael: I mean, if we could make something like that, it could be bigger than Facebook. I mean, who wouldn't want something like that? You think you can do it?

P-Hound: No.

George Michael: No, of course not. No. I mean, this is my chance with Maeby, and I can't even get rid of my own father. You know, what if we just did a vote? Just the roommates. We do a quick vote, and it's, "Ciao, Fathero."

P-Hound: He's gonna know who voted against him.

George Michael: Not if I get him to vote against himself.

P-Hound: Why would he do that?

George Michael: No, he wouldn't. He w- I, I was just leaning back, so it looked like I... I got this chair again, didn't I? Maybe I just need to be clear, and just say, "I'm putting up a wall. We need to rework our whole system here."

Michael: Sounds like you guys are working on your privacy software, huh?

George Michael: Hey. How’d you find me?

Michael: Uh, Trang’s grandfather. Boy, shoot me if I’m 86, living in my grandson’s dorm, huh?

Narrator: And, long story short, Michael did end up embracing the voting-out-a-roommate idea.

Michael: And it’s adiós, brothiero. It cannot fail.

Cut to: dorm room

Michael walks away with his head hanging.

Maeby: That was fun.

George Michael: Did he look betrayed to you?

Maeby: He kind of always looks that way. I'm going to catch the bus.

P-Hound: Bye!

George Michael: Well, uh, okay. Hey, listen, are you gonna come by on Thursday, or...?

Maeby: Um, I don't think so. I have this thing in LA.

George Michael: Well, can you blow it off? I mean, you know, you might want to get "graduating high school" out of the way.

Maeby: Well, I'm getting a lifetime achievement award at this gala.

George Michael: Well, you might want to get that out of the way too, I guess.

Maeby: Yeah.

George Michael: Hey, you want me to go with you to that or... Yeah, I can pick you up at your place.

Maeby: Oh, they're actually shooting a thing at my place.

Narrator: As it turns out, they'd end up just clubbing a Thing.

Tobias: Oh! No, I'm not-

Officer Taylor clubs Tobias.

Tobias: Oh!

John Beard: (wincing) Damn!

Maeby: You know what? Yeah, that might actually be a good idea. Because I can't bring any of my friends without getting permission slips from their parents.

George Michael: Well, that's not really a problem for me.

Maeby: Yeah, 'cause you just betrayed yours, right? Awesome.

Act 4[]

Narrator: George Michael and Maeby arrived at a hotel busy with three separate events.

People laugh at the stair car.

George Michael: (pointing and laughing) No, no, no. (to Maeby) Well, it's, it's really nice to be out with you as adults, you know? In Spain they don't even eat dinner until after 11 p.m.

Maeby: Wow, Spain really changed you.

George Michael: Well, you grow up very quickly in Spain... Oh, my God, I know this guy. Hey. Hey, man. Hey.

David Henrie: Hey, man.

George Michael: Hey.

David Henrie: What are you on?

Publicist: Oh, he's nobody.

George Michael: God. It's Justin.

Announcer: Can we get all the actors from The Wizards of Waverly Place together for a chat, please?

George Michael: That's David Henrie. He's Justin from Wizards of Waverly Place.

Maeby: Hmm.

George Michael: It's on a lot in Spain.

Maeby: Well, I'm gonna go mingle with a bunch of 13-year-olds who think they can still play fifth grade. Have fun.

Narrator: And George Michael set out to re-unleash his overly sexual persona.

George Michael: I'll catch up. (spotting but not recognizing Lindsay) Well, gentlemen, start your engines.

Approaches hotel desk.

George Michael: Buenas noches, Pequeña Scarlet. I will be needing a room, please.

Scarlet: How many nights?

George Michael: Two. Sorry, no, just one night. I thought you were saying how many people.

Scarlet: And... how many beds?

George Michael: Two. Two... No! Uh, one bed. Why give her the option? Keep it real simple. One bed, one night, two people, let's solve for X.

Scarlet: (to coworker) I hate young Hollywood.

Maeby: It's called Fakeblock, Mort. It's gonna blow Schnoodle away.

Narrator: And it was on his way back to Maeby that he heard her say...

Maeby: It's called Fakeblock!

George Michael: What's this? You're talking, talking about Fakeblock?

Rebel Alley: Oh. How does your privacy software work?

George Michael: Uh-huh. It's private.

Narrator: And that's how George Michael not only met Rebel...

George Michael: I don't want people to know that I'm doing this.

Narrator: ...but finally found a way to prove to Maeby that he was a risk taker.

George Michael: Yes. Yes, George Maharis.

Caption: George Maharis, risk taker

Narrator: Only to discover, moments later...

Maeby: Perfecto.

Narrator: ...that she was dating an even bigger risk taker.

George Michael: De nada.

Maeby: That's my undercover cop boyfriend. I'm trying to get him in bed.

George Michael: Boyf...? So funny that didn't come up in the car.

Rebel Alley: So how does it work?

George Michael: Huh? How does what work?

Rebel Alley: Your privacy software. How does it protect you from piracy?

George Michael: I don't know. Don't worry about it.

Rebel Alley: No, no, no. No! You really piqued my interest.

George Michael: I'm sorry.

Narrator: And discouraged that he'd lost Maeby, he tried to salvage his night by taking a picture of Gibby from iCarly. As he was doing this, however, this happened.


Narrator: The explosion caused an electrical surge, rendering the Schnoodle software inoperable. Which, to those who saw him, seemed like a genius act of cyber sabotage. Which led to this.

Cut to: outside hotel

Rebel Alley: What happened?

Mort Meyers: It's dead. That geek Maharis destroyed the whole thing. And you know why? Just because he could. Those Internet geniuses... That's what they do. I'm ruined. I'll probably never get to drive the Schnoodle car. We should work together.

Rebel Alley: No.

Mort Meyers: Smart.

Cut to: gas station

Narrator: And a few days later, it would lead to this.

John Beard: (on TV) I'm John Beard. Here's your 15 seconds of news. Fakeblock's mystery man George Maharis may have just found a way to screw a cap on the Internet, and investors are lining up to fill the company's tank with money, even though he himself remains anonymous. That's all the news that's fit to pump. I quit.

Act 5[]

Narrator: By the time George Michael returned to campus, even his roommate had heard of George Maharis's Fakeblock.

P-Hound: This George Maharis guy stole our name, but we have it registered, so we can sell it to him for a fortune.

George Michael: No, I am George Maharis! I'm behind the whole thing. I, I wanted to impress Maeby, so I told her that I created this privacy software.

P-Hound: Why would you do that?

George Michael: You know, it's like the time that you told that girl that you were George Takei's son.

P-Hound: Well, it's too late. This thing's taking off. They're saying Fakeblock knocked out Schnoodle.

George Michael: That was a coincidence. It must have been a power surge.

P-Hound: We gotta do something. At least get our five grand back.

George Michael: Well, I put in the five grand. You put in three dollars.

P-Hound: Well, you may have put in the most money to Fakeblock, but I put in the first three dollars, so that makes you a hop-on.

George Michael: No, you're the hop-on, Paul, and I know exactly who you're trying to hop on to. Maeby.

P-Hound: Maybe!

George Michael: Yeah, well, you know she's dating a cop, right?

P-Hound: Yeah, she likes risk takers like the P-

Maeby: Hi.

P-Hound: ...Hound.

Maeby: (ushering him away) Keep moving. Can you believe this?

Narrator: Maeby was excited, but George Michael knew the stakes were too high for him to continue the lie.

Maeby: Fakeblock, it's exploding. I got my PR company fanning it. And I even cashed in a favor to get us mentioned on Mad Money.

George Michael: You know, I think we might just want to slow it down a little bit on the whole Fakeblock thing, 'cause I'm still not 100% finished with it.

Maeby: Well, how finished are you with it? 200%? 500%?

George Michael: I also feel like I'm not 100% finished with your math tutoring.

Narrator: And then Maeby said something that made him change his mind.

George Michael: Do we have those books here?

Maeby: I trust you, George Michael. I would not get into bed with you on this thing if I didn't trust you.

George Michael: Oh, I mean, of course you can trust me in bed.

Maeby: No, I mean, I trust you not to take advantage of me.

George Michael: No, I wouldn't. We would... we would just lie there.

Maeby: We'd just lie there? I mean, I'm talking about business.

George Michael: So am I. That's why we would just lie there.

Maeby: Okay. 'Cause I was going to say, when you become an Internet billionaire, you could do whatever you want with me in bed. (laughing)

Narrator: It was that. That's what made him change his mind.

George Michael: (laughing) I will. I will.

Narrator: And if it was so wrong to lie, surely he would receive some sort of sign.

George Michael receives a phone call from "Jesus Krist."

George Michael: Oh, hey. I should get this.

Narrator: But that wasn't it.

George Michael: Hi, Uncle G.O.B.

G.O.B.: I need to see you tonight.

Narrator: That was his uncle G.O.B. wanting to meet him at a gay club to tell him his father was anxious to see him.

G.O.B.: It's about your father and you.

George Michael: Really, is... is he upset?

G.O.B.: Do I seem like a clown to you?

George Michael: I got it.

Narrator: George Michael was worried, and even more so, when he caught up with his uncle at a magic club.

Photographer: A newbie!

G.O.B.: If he does post that somewhere, the Fakeblock thing'll scrub it away, it's fine.

George Michael: You know about Fakeblock? You know, that's my software. I wonder if my dad thinks I'm blowing him off because that's starting to take off now.

G.O.B.: Well, you should go find out, 'cause I do know that your dad is really, really, really upset with you.

George Michael: He is upset? I asked you that. That was literally the first thing I asked you. You're giving me these craz...

G.O.B.: (licking George Michael’s hand) Mad?

Narrator: So it was a very shaken George Michael who arrived later at the Ealing Club, as a frustrated Andy Richter was having trouble getting into the club he was a member of.

Andy Richter: What do you mean, I'm already up there? Obviously, I'm not already up there because I'm here. It's my stupid brother. He looks just like me. I'll just go up, I'll find him, I'll st... (guards stop him) Oh, come on.

George Michael: Oh, hey, Donnie! Hey, I had you for a semester at Openings.

Andy Richter: Yeah, okay, all right. Hey, come on. I'm, I'm his guest.

Guard: Is this man your guest?

George Michael: Oh, no, no, I'm just meeting my dad here.

Andy Richter: Oh, screw this, I'm going up. (grabbed by guards) Oh, come on.

Guard: (to George Michael) Go on up. Go up.

Andy Richter: Oh, come on! Oh, some Openings child you are, man.

Narrator: And George Michael girded himself for his first meeting with his father since he voted him out of the dorm.

George Michael: (to bartender) Hi. Yeah, just a Sea Breeze, please. Make it a strong one. Put some stank on that.

Rebel Alley: George? George Maharis?

Narrator: And that's when he heard the name he'd forgotten he'd given out as his own. So he tried not to act surprised to hear it when he saw it was Rebel.

George Michael: I see you.

Narrator: Unfortunately, this meant being stuck affecting a blasé attitude.

Rebel Alley: Rebel Alley? We spoke three days ago.

George Michael: I know, I know. I remember.

Rebel Alley: Are you a member here?

George Michael: No, I'm not. No, I just walked in past the big black security guard.

Narrator: All of which now worked against him.

Rebel Alley: Okay, you know what? I was just trying to be nice, but you're just a jerk. You're a bigger jerk than Andy Richter over there!

Rocky Richter: Loosen up, bitch. I'm Andy Richter! I probably make, like, $8000 a day or something.

George Michael: Hey, hey, I'm sorry. Uh, I... You know, I'm in the middle of a whole thing with my dad right now, and I, um, I didn't mean to be... However I just came off.

Rebel Alley: Badly.

George Michael: Well, I'm sorry, you know. I've never met a beautiful actress before.

Rebel Alley: Oh. So you do know who I am?

George Michael: Oh, God, of course I know who you are! You were in the remake of Dangerous Cousins. I signed up to Netflix because of that movie. I think I was just thrown that... you were interested in who I am.

Rebel Alley: Well, you are George Maharis. Everyone's talking about your software company. I'm sure women are just throwing themselves at your feet.

George Michael: Well, you know, I, uh, I prefer a woman who... aims higher.

Rebel Alley: (laughing) That was funny.

George Michael: Yeah, I know. That was good. That was...

Rebel Alley: Smooth.

George Michael: ...smooth. Hey, we have the same taste in words!

Rebel Alley: Okay, should we get a drink? I'm buying. I don't want you to think I'm after you for your money.

Narrator: George Michael was thrown by what was clearly Rebel's stated interest in him.

Man: George Michael? George Michael?

Narrator: Which is perhaps why he ignored the page...

Man: George Michael? George Michael?

Narrator: ...that he assumed was from his father.

Man: Is George Michael here?

Rebel Alley: Is George Michael here?

George Michael: Oh, God. Just remind me not to go in the men's room!

Rebel laughs; George Michael gets a phone call from his father.

George Michael: Ex- would you excuse me? I'm, I'm just gonna use the men's room.

Rebel Alley: Okay.

Narrator: And while checking his messages, he got some good news.

Michael: Hey, buddy, it's Dad. Um, I am having real trouble getting up there. Uh, this traffic is un-believable. We got a light aircraft right in the middle of the freeway. Call me back when you get this?

Caption: moments later...

Michael: Or, or, you know, you can wait for me up there and...

Narrator: But while Michael was leaving a second message, George Michael left one for him.

Michael: Oh. Hey, hang on, this is you.

Caption: moments earlier...

George Michael: Hey, it's me. You know what? We, I bet we're sitting in the exact same traffic. This is a mess.

Narrator: Now hoping to ensure that his father didn't make it to their meeting.

George Michael: But, you know, we can just do this another time if that works, that, I mean that's a better- Oh, God, they're forcing us off. Oh, God, they're forcing us off. But, you know, we can just do this another time if that works, that, maybe that's better- Oh, they're closing the lanes. Oh, this is beautiful.

Caption: moments later...

Michael: Same traffic. ...Unreal.

Caption: moments earlier...

Michael: (over phone) ...Unreal. Kind of looking around for you now. Maybe you're right near me. Anyhow, if you get this, maybe we will just meet... somewhere else. Gonna hang up now. I'm gonna video this and send it in to the news.

Caption: moments later and earlier...

George Michael: Glad you're getting some footage of this 'cause I can't really get a good angle myself. They're forcing us off here like a bunch of animals. You know, maybe we'll do this another time, 'cause this is... Uh, it's sad to say, but, uh, it's like animals.

Caption: moments earlier...

George Michael: (over phone) You know, maybe we'll do this another time. It's sad to say, but, it's, uh, it's left me pretty shaken up. God, I just hope there are no kids on that plane. 'Cause, you know, they don't have any choice in the matter.

Message bleep.

Michael: Well, I'll tell you what. I feel worse for the parents... okay? Probably the kids thought that they could fly the plane all by themselves. Bet you 500 bucks they find a dead kid behind the stick. You know, or maybe on the dead dad's lap whose only fault was loving that kid too much and letting him fly the plane. Next thing he knows, he's bouncing off the top of the Sports Chalet onto the express lane of the 605. I'll bet you 500 bucks.

Narrator: Michael was hurt and on his way out...

Michael: Okay, thank you.

Narrator: ...when he heard something that cheered him up.

Guard: The guy that was harassing Rebel, he's on his way down.

Michael: Did you say Rebel? Hey, Andy Richter! Michael Bluth. How you doing, Andy?

Rocky Richter: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Andy.

Michael: So, I know him. Can I get on your membership, and... can you vouch for me? Okay?

Rocky Richter: Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever you want, it's on Andy.

Michael: Thank you.

Rocky Richter: It's on this rich (BLEEP). Bye.

Narrator: But before Michael could find Rebel, he ran into the man that, at that point he still thought...

Michael: Ron!

Narrator: ...was her lover.

Michael: No, no. It's Michael. Michael Bluth. Doing the film about my family, and...

Ron Howard: Yeah, when are we gonna get your kid's signature, though?

Michael: Yeah, I'm working on it. And I've, I got a hold of him.

Ron Howard: Oh.

Michael: And we're gonna meet here tonight, but I think that he's blowing me off.

Ron Howard: Well, yeah, kids will be kids, right?

Michael: Well, you know, a month ago, I would have told you that he and I were exactly the same, that we were twins. You know, but now, I wouldn't even think of my son as my brother. (Ron walks off) You know, the thing is that y... He's busy.

Act 6[]

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development. George Michael finds himself the subject of a lawsuit over the ownership of Fakeblock.

Barry: Could you put in a good word on the missing Lucille 2 case? That's a career maker. That's an O.J. You just need one of those.

Jonah Feinberg: Ah, uh, excuse me, but was it or was it not my client who put up the initial seed money for the block software that served as the underlying architecture of Fakeblock?

George Michael: It was 99 cents!

P-Hound/Jonah Feinberg: Times three.

Barry: Times three. (momentary silence) Can I say something to my client? Take to the sea!