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Transcript of Key Decisions

Transcript of "Key Decisions"
Written by: Brad Copeland

Season One, Episode Four

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Clint Howard as Johnny Bark
David Reynolds as White Power Bill
Rocky McMurray as Warden James Buck
Alden Villaverde as Little Justice
Leonor Varela as Marta Estrella
John Beard as Himself
Stacey Grenrock Woods as Trisha Thoon
Eduardo Palomo as Everado
Lee Ryan as Waiter
Bruno Oliver as Guard
Christopher T. Wood as Surgeon


The following is the transcript of the Season One episode "Key Decisions". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Key Decisions" was written by Brad Copeland.

Act 1[]

Narrator: Michael Bluth arrived home to find the rental car his sister Lindsay had promised to return.

Michael: Lindsay, you have to cut back on everything. Okay? I’m even selling the corporate jet.

Lindsay: Great, so now we don’t have a car or a jet? Why don’t we just take an ad out in I’m Poor magazine?  

Michael: Look, I’m trying to get development started. All right? I’ve got six guys on bulldozers waiting to get under way.

Lindsay: Bulldozing?

Michael: Yeah.

Lindsay: Well, what about the trees?

Michael: Oh, we’re just gonna cover them with blankets.

Michael: I’m ripping them out.

Lindsay: Anything for a buck, right? You are so materialistic.

Michael: Don’t suddenly turn this into one of your causes.

Lindsay: It’s not sudden, Michael. I’ve always been deeply passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?

Michael: I’ll never forget your wedding.  

Lindsay: I care deeply for nature.

Michael: You’re wearing ostrich-skin boots.

Lindsay: Well, I don’t care about ostriches.  

G.O.B.: You’re looking at a desperate man, Michael.

Michael: Do you need money?

G.O.B.: What I need is freedom. Marta is being interviewed today on TV about her show "El Amor Prohibido". I mean, it’s bad enough that I gotta go to the awards show tomorrow night. Today I gotta stand next to her like I’m Rita Wilson.

Narrator: G.O.B.’s girlfriend Marta had been nominated for a “Daytime Desi,” the award given for excellence in Spanish daytime television.

Michael: G.O.B., you’ve found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know?

Michael: A family. Nothing else matters.

Lucille: Michael?

Michael: It’s Mom. Hide.

G.O.B.: You brought up money earlier I actually would like to borrow some.

Michael: No.

Lucille: Michael?

G.O.B.: He’s in here, Mom.

Michael: Come on. What are you doing? No way. That’s mine.

G.O.B.: Give it to me.

Lucille: G.O.B., wait, I need those tickets. He promised me tickets to his girlfriend’s award show.

Michael: You’re going to that thing?

Lucille: Well, my dear friend, Lucille Austero, is part-owner of a television station and I want to show up and hold my head high. I may not have her money anymore, but at least I have a live husband.

Michael: She’s lucky to have you as a friend.  

Michael: Buster.

Buster: Hey, brother. Mom said you could tie this for me.

Lucille: Make it long so Buster doesn’t seem so... round.

Michael: Come here, pal.

Buster: Thanks.

Michael: What have you guys got, a big date?

Buster: Well... we’re not dating.

Michael: Nonetheless, come here, shouldn’t Buster be spending his evenings with women that aren’t so much... his mother?

Lucille: He’s a beautiful boy. They don’t appreciate him. It’s his glasses. They make him look like a lizard. Plus he’s self-conscious.  

Michael: Gee, I wonder why?

Lucille: You’re one to talk.

Lucille: When’s the last time you went on a date?

Michael: I just haven’t met anybody who’s not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with.

Lucille: If that’s a veiled criticism about me, I won’t hear it and I won’t respond to it.  

Michael: Hmm. Maybe I’m wrong.


Narrator: Later that day, Michael finalized the sale of the corporate jet and was also able to solve the family’s transportation problem.

Lindsay: I am not riding in that thing.

Michael: Well, we sold the jet What am I going to do? Besides, Lindsay, it’s not like you’re materialistic. Well, then, it’s all yours.

Michael: Watch out for bridges and hop-ons. You’re going to get some hop-ons.  

Narrator: And Michael was finally prepared to begin the next phase of the family business.

John Beard: We go to Trisha Thoon for more.

Trisha Thoon: An activist known as Johnny Bark has taken residence in this beloved tree, and refuses to come down. What is he protesting? The expansion of high-cost, low-quality mini-mansions, like this one here.

Michael: You got to be kidding me.

Narrator: Michael met with his sister about the activist in the tree.

Lindsay: You want me to get him out?

Michael: Come on, it’s one tree. Listen, after we get that lot cleared, we’re going to have enough money for you to neuter thousands of animals. You can make dogs and cats a complete thing of the past. No more dogs and cats. And we will have enough money for me to replace the stair car with a normal car.

Lindsay: I’ll do it for the cats.  


Narrator: Meanwhile, Marta’s interview was underway and G.O.B. was getting uncomfortable playing the supportive role.

Marta: I just told them that we are this family now, and that a career is one thing, but family is forever.

G.O.B.: I, too, have an announcement to make. To prove that no prison can hold me, I will incarcerate myself in the penitentiary that holds my own father, only to escape 24 hours later. No shackles can hold these hands. Say that to them in Spanish.  


Narrator: The next day, Michael got a call to meet G.O.B. at the prison.

Michael: You’re going into prison? I thought there was something wrong with Dad.

G.O.B.: What? No, Dad’s fine. I just saw him out there throwing a ball around with a couple of guys. Which, of course, he never did with me.

Michael: How’d you even get them to agree to this?

G.O.B.: Oh, the warden’s a fan.


Warden Buck: You really think you can break out of my prison?

G.O.B.: You won’t even know I was here.

Narrator: The warden was intrigued— Less about the stunt, and more about the prison beatings this brash magician was sure to receive.  

Warden Buck: Any press is good press, huh?

End Flashback

Narrator: And so, G.O.B. went about swallowing the key to prepare for his escape.

End Flashback

G.O.B.: Then I pass the key, bust out of prison, and into magic history. Of course, that is going to conflict with my going to the Desis with Marta.

Michael: Well, life’s a compromise. I probably would have taken her to the nice event, but, prison will be fun, too.  

G.O.B.: Thank you. I knew you’d come through.

Michael: Come through? How’d I come through? G.O.B., how’d I come through?

G.O.B.: You might want to find something a little stronger, Warden. Oh, what is your problem?


Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay set about fulfilling her promise to Michael.

Lindsay: Get out of our [bleep]ing tree.

Narrator: At this moment, Maeby found another opportunity to rebel.

Maeby: We have to save this tree.

George Michael: We have to.


Narrator: And George Senior was about to be surprised by his son.

George, Sr.: Keep your arm up— that’s how you get accuracy.

G.O.B.: I thought you said throwing the ball against the garage door by yourself was how you got accuracy.  

George, Sr.: G.O.B., what are you doing here?

G.O.B.: Life, Dad. I killed a guy. No. It’s just a publicity stunt. I’ll bust out of here tomorrow. Impressive, no?

George, Sr.: You idiot, you’re gonna get yourself killed.

G.O.B.: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there weren’t any magic fans here.

George, Sr.: Hey, White Power Bill, he’s all right.

G.O.B.: White Power Bill can’t hear you... with such dirty ears.

Little Justice: Hey, White Power Bill has dirty ears. Hey, guys. Dirty-ears Bill. Dirty-ears Bill.  


Narrator: And Michael was about to get a surprise visit of his own.

Marta: Michael?

Michael: Yes. Hi. I’m Michael.

Marta: I’m Marta.

Michael: You’re Marta?

Marta: Thank you so much for taking me to the awards. G.O.B. said he really appreciated you coming through for him.

Michael: Oh, sure. Yeah. This is how I came through, huh? Listen, Marta...

Marta: And I hope you don’t mind driving. I-I took a cab here.

Marta: I just couldn’t find my keys.

Michael: Well, my brother may have eaten them.  

Michael: Look... Um... I haven’t hired a limo or anything.

Marta: I don’t mind.

Michael: I think you might.


Lindsay: Look, I’m an activist, too, and I appreciate what you’re doing for the environment. But we’re not the only ones who destroy trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist. Why don’t you go out and club some beavers?  

Johnny Bark: You don’t really “get” nature, do you?

Lindsay: It will be torn down— with or without you. Where are the stairs?


Narrator: Meanwhile, the Desis were under way.

Everado: ...Guillermo Ortiz, como El Raton. Pablo Dominguez, como Pepito, Felicio Colon, como Miguelito...

Narrator: And Lucille was mingling with the elite of the Latino Television Academy.

Lucille: Can I get a vodka tonic, please? I’d like a vodka tonic, please. Vodka tonic, please. A sea of waiters and no one will take a drink order.  

Narrator: Buster was also mingling, but at Lucille’s insistence, wasn’t wearing his glasses.

Buster: ¿Como estoy? Exciting night.  

Narrator: And Lucille Bluth crossed paths with Lucille Austero.

Lucille 2: Lucille? Lucille! Aren’t you something? Showing up here without your husband. Shame be damned. Caution to the wind.

Lucille: That’s so sweet, darling. I’m here to support you. You’re the one who’s all alone and likely to stay that way. My husband’s just a phone call away.

Lucille 2: That’s one call per day, isn’t it? Gee, I should think he’d want to save that for his lawyer.

Lucille: At least he’s in prison, not an urn.  

Lucille 2: You are so deliciously witty.

Lucille: Oh, aren’t we having fun?

Narrator: The other Lucille also suffers from severe vertigo.

Narrator: Lucille Austero, meanwhile, perhaps because she’d never seen him without his glasses, first took notice of Buster. Buster, however, failed to notice her and she sent him a proposition.

Waiter #2: Excuse me, sir. This is for you.


Narrator: Finally Marta’s category was announced.

Everado: Y el Desi va a... Sandra Elena Higuera!

Michael: Marta. Hey... I’m sorry. You really deserved to win in there. Did you win? I don’t speak Spanish...

Marta: It’s not about the award. It’s crazy, but I thought it would make G.O.B. proud...

Michael: I’m sure in his own way...

Marta: No, I just think he doesn’t understand family. You know? Commitment. But those are the only things that matter in life.

Narrator: At that moment, Michael realized that this was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and for the first time since he lost his wife, he wanted someone. At the same moment, G.O.B. was ready to retrieve the key to execute his escape.


G.O.B.: Is there a private bathroom nearby?

George, Sr.: You’re looking at it.

G.O.B.: No, no, no. I can’t use that. I need privacy. Yeah, I’ve always been that way. I can’t go without privacy. I can’t pass this key without privacy.

George, Sr.: Well, I could ask the guys to leave, but, uh... you know, they’ve been locking the doors lately. I don’t know.

G.O.B.: I’ve made a huge mistake.  


Narrator: Michael was having a wonderful time with Marta and didn’t want the evening to end, while Lindsay was bonding with the man in the tree.

Johnny Bark: You have no idea what it’s like to save a living thing.

Lindsay: For your information, I do. My husband Tobias and I used to do this kind of thing all the time. I guess that’s why I was so attracted to him. He was a serious and committed advocate for change.

Johnny Bark: Where is he now?

Lindsay: He’s at a weekend stage-fighting workshop with Carl Weathers.  

Lindsay: But he used to believe in things. We both used to.

Michael: Sorry, Lindsay. I didn’t realize you were up there.

Lindsay: Oh, I’m up here, Mike. And I’m not coming down. I’m going to save this tree, no matter what it takes!

Michael: Okay. I’ll see you when you realize what that bucket’s for.

George Michael: You know, I can see why your mom likes it. It is a really nice tree...

Maeby: We’ve got to get it torn down.

George Michael: ...that must die. Stupid tree.


Lucille: Buster’s out of control!

Michael: What, another panic attack?

Buster: Me? No. She’s just wigged out because I have a girlfriend.

Lucille: A waiter hands him a note, suddenly he’s Steve McQueen.

Lucille: He doesn’t even know what she looks like.

Buster: I know she’s a brownish area. With points. And I know I love her!  

Lucille: I’m calling Dr. Miller.

Buster: Okay, I don’t know I love her. But I cannot tell you how liberating it is to be with someone who’s not Mom... who’s nothing like her.

Michael: Yeah, and you’re just jumping right into this, huh?

Buster: Oh, yes, yes. That’s what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that... that brownish area by its points and you don’t let go no matter what your mom says.  

Michael: Good talk.

Phone ringing.

Michael: Hello?

G.O.B.: Michael! Change of escape plans. I unplugged the ice cream sandwich machine and the guards are all eating them before they get too melty, so I’ve got like a half an hour. Meet me at the south prison wall and bring the stairs.

Narrator: Michael knew he had an obligation to his brother.


G.O.B.: Michael!

Michael: Hey, G.O.B.!

G.O.B.: Where the hell are the stairs?

Michael: Oh, I thought you were kidding.

Michael: Hey, speaking of kidding, How serious are you about Marta? I get the sense that there’s not much of a future there. Am I reading that right?

G.O.B.: Let me ask you something. How would you feel if I came down on you hard?

Michael: You’re saying I’m not reading this right.

G.O.B.: No, I’m saying move the bike. I need to jump on you to break my fall.  

Michael: G.O.B., don’t be an idiot. Don’t jump on me.

G.O.B.: No, I have to. Come on. Stop moving.

Michael: Come on, don’t jump on me.

Narrator: The guards soon became concerned about the paperwork that would be required of them if G.O.B. actually did jump.

G.O.B.: You’re making this very, very difficult. Oh, God... this is personal.

Michael: G.O.B.! G.O.B.! Good talk.


G.O.B.: I’m a complete failure.

George, Sr.: Where’d you get that kind of talk?

G.O.B.: From you. You always say that about me.  

George, Sr.: Well, maybe you’re not entirely to blame. I haven’t always been the best kind of father either.

G.O.B.: Dad, you’ve done a pretty good job of being a father to everybody in here. What have they got that I don’t? I mean. you’ve never even... thrown a ball around with me.

George, Sr.: Great. Now you’re an athlete.  


Narrator: Lindsay left the tree to sleep in her own bed. And Johnny Bark left the tree to awaken her.

Johnny Bark: So, Lindsay... I was thinking...

Lindsay: Johnny Bark?!

Johnny Bark: I want to be with you, Lindsay. And I know you want to be with me, too.

Lindsay: No, I don’t.

Johnny Bark: But... all the things you said about commitment and believing in things. That’s the way I feel.

Lindsay: Johnny, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lead you on. I think you’re gross.

Lindsay: Uh-oh.

Johnny Bark: My tree. That’s why you never get out of the tree.


Narrator: And G.O.B. was about to get a reason to stay in prison.

George, Sr.: You all right?

G.O.B.: Not great.

George, Sr.: Maybe this will help.

Narrator: And for the first time, G.O.B. had the game of catch with his father he’d been waiting for his whole life.

George, Sr.: Okay, ready? Put your mitt up. There you go.

White Power Bill: White Power!

G.O.B.: I’m... white.  


Narrator: And Michael decided to share his feelings with Marta.

Marta: Michael.

Michael: Marta. I’m not really quite sure how to say this, but, uh...

Phone ringing.

Michael: Uh, I had a great time last night.

Marta: I did, too.

Michael: And, um...

Ringing continues.

Michael: We’re so in synch on so many things, and, uh, I... You guys don’t have a machine, huh?

Ringing continues.

Marta: I’m sorry. (Into telephone.) Hello.

Marta: Oh, my God! G.O.B. has been stabbed in the back.


G.O.B.: Am I still in prison?

Lucille: You’re in the hospital.

G.O.B.: Ta-da.  


Narrator: Meanwhile, Buster was waiting in the hallway.

Lucille 2: Buster?

Buster: Miss Austero. What... what are you doing here?

Lucille 2: A touch of the dizzies.

Buster: Oh.

Lucille 2: So, listen, Buster, have you given any, uh... thought to my offer?

Buster: I’m sorry. What?

Lucille 2: Well, I mean, my phone hasn’t made a peep.

Buster: Has your hair always been that pointy, Miss Austero?  

Lucille 2: It’s Lucille.

Buster: Right, right. That’s my mom’s name.

Lucille 2: (Laughing.) Yes.

Buster: Oh, God.

Lucille 2: Buster? Hel... I’m all right. I’m all right...


Lucille: He’s fine. I’ll be in the hospital bar.

Michael: Uh, you know there isn’t a hospital bar, Mother.

Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.  

G.O.B.: You were right, Michael. Life is too short. Mine almost ended today. So, I think I’m going to work things out with Marta.

Michael: You are, huh? Boy, that’s, uh... That’s great.

G.O.B.: Hmm, you know what’s funny? I was going to walk out of that prison last night and break up with her. Good thing you didn’t bring the stairs, huh?

Michael: Hmm, very funny. Yeah, it’s hysterical. I’m lucky. Hey.

Marta: Can I come in now?

Michael: Yeah, sure. He’s fine.

Marta: Listen... I really appreciate you... helping me out last night.

Michael: Well, you know, you’ve got to put family first. That’s the stupid thing that I believe.

G.O.B.: Hey, you two keep on talking out there I’m going to start getting jealous.

Marta: I was really worried about you.

G.O.B.: You’ve got nothing to worry about. We’re going to be together for a long time.

Marta: We’re a family now. I am so happy. I’m going to call the kids.

G.O.B.: I’ve made a huge mistake.


Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, G.O.B. learns how he survived his stabbing.

Surgeon: Looks like the shiv would have done some real damage if it hadn’t been for this. It was in your lower intestine.

G.O.B.: So close.


Narrator: And Buster makes a bold move.

Lucille 2: Buster.

Buster: Let’s go for it.