| Season One, Episode Eighteen | |||
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Starring: | |||
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Guest Starring: | |||
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The following is the transcript of the Season One episode "Missing Kitty". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.
"Missing Kitty" was written by Mitchell Hurwitz & John Levenstein.
Act 1[]
John Beard: The local colleges are on spring break and things are heating up in Newport Beach.
Scene[]
Narrator: George Michael was off from school for two weeks and was enjoying spending time with his uncle.
G.O.B.: I’m intercepting some telepathic energy. It’s telling me it’s the... eight of diamonds.
George Michael: That’s amazingly close.
G.O.B.: Gee, I got it wrong. Well, I guess you won the shirt off my back.
George Michael: Okay, that’s amazing.
G.O.B.: It’s the queen of diamonds.
George Michael: No, no, but, I mean, if that had been the actual card, I’m pretty sure I’d be almost too blown away.
G.O.B.: It’s a, you know, it’s a new trick. I’m still tweaking my nipple thing.
George Michael: Your presentation is great.
Michael: Whoa! What’s going on here, huh? George Michael, you should get to school.
George Michael: No, we’re off for two weeks, Dad. G.O.B.’s teaching me some new tricks.
G.O.B.: Spring break. It’s my favorite holiday. Nothing gets me more excited.
Michael: I can see that. You might want to button that shirt up.
G.O.B.: No, I’m good. Anyway, listen. Michael, um... I need the yacht. Kinda made a commitment.
- Flashback
Narrator: One year earlier, G.O.B. had appeared on a youth-oriented music network when they did a segment on Spring Break Newport Beach.
G.O.B.: Now that I’ve gotten your attention, I’d like to announce that one year from today, I shall make that beautiful yacht... disappear.
- End flashback
George Michael: Wow. He’s amazing.
Michael: Yeah, well, he hasn’t done it and you’re holding a four of spades in your hand.
George Michael: Yeah. I don’t care. I’m loving the ride, you know? (To G.O.B.) So how you going to do it?
G.O.B.: Well, you’ve got two weeks off. You’re about to find out.
G.O.B.: Maybe we’ll meet a couple of young coeds along the way. How young is too young for you?
Michael: Okay, that’s not going to happen. Okay? There’s not gonna be any coeds. There certainly isn’t going to be any magic. It is a path to a lonely life where people mock you and you don’t even realize it.
G.O.B.: But Michael, I’m a magici... Oh, I see what you did.
Michael: You’re not dressed yet? I thought you were working for me today in the office.
Lindsay: Oh, you guys stay open during spring break?
Michael: Well, we’re not Orthodox.
Michael: But don’t worry about it. Kitty’s coming back, and it’s just in time. She’s caused nothing but problems since she’s worked for me.
- Flashback
Michael: Kitty! Isn’t that your phone?
Kitty: No, I’m on the phone with your dad. That one’s your line.
- Another flashback
Michael: Kitty, these are not the files I asked for.
Kitty: Oh, then I don’t know what I shredded.
- Another flashback
Michael: Have you had a chance to type up that report yet?
Kitty: No, I have been Googling your father.
Michael: So I’ve heard.
- End flashbacks
Michael: She’s been out for two weeks with this chest thing, but she’s had no problems cashing the checks I’ve been sending her.
Lindsay: Speaking of which, have we gotten anything from Nana?
Michael: Buster got a perforated heart and G.O.B. got that receding hairline, but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.
Lindsay: No, I meant in the mail. She usually sends checks for Maeby’s birthday.
Maeby: There’s been cash coming in? Have you been holding out on me?
Lindsay: No, No, I’ve been investing it. Let’s face it— I’m better with money than you are.
Maeby: Better at spending it.
Lindsay: Okay, I tell you what. I’ll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60-40.
Maeby: 55-55.
Lindsay: Deal.
Michael: Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think.
Lindsay: We should go now before your dad gets back. No need going halfsies with him, too.
Maeby: Right.
Scene[]
Narrator: In fact, Tobias had gone to prison to research the role of Frightened Inmate #2 for a film. This came at a bad time for George, Sr., who was in a conflict with a prisoner named White Power Bill, a conflict Tobias inadvertently helped him solve.
George, Sr.: I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.
Scene[]
Warden Gentiles: But didn’t you come here to research the nature of fear? I can’t think of any better teacher than White Power Bill. He’s like a masters course unto himself.
Tobias: So you think I’m a coward?
Warden Gentiles: There’s only one man I’ve ever called a coward, and that’s Brian Doyle-Murray. No, what I’m calling you... is a television actor.
Tobias: Ouch.
Scene[]
Narrator: And so Tobias remained in prison as Lindsay and Maeby arrived at Nana’s.
Lindsay: Now, remember, she’s a very old woman. We’re going to get in, get the cash and get out.
Old Woman: Is this who I think it is?
Lindsay and Maeby: Nana!
Narrator: Unfortunately, the woman who now lived there was not their Nana, a fact that took Lindsay and Maeby an hour and a half to ascertain.
- Ninety minutes later...
Lindsay: Go! Go! It’s not her. Drop the photo album. We’re not in the photo album.
Maeby: Drop the pie!
Scene[]
Narrator: Michael arrived at work to find Kitty.
Michael: Hey. Kitty. How are you feeling?
Kitty: Much better. Man, I was really stuffed up, there. Up here, Michael. Up here.
Michael: Why’d you have to get sick now? What was the rush?
- Cutaway
Narrator: In fact, it was the previous year’s spring break that was responsible for Kitty’s rush when the makers of the popular video series Girls with Low Self-Esteem chose not to include her.
Cameraman: Okay, we got all the good stuff here.
- End cutaway
Kitty: Let’s just say I’m looking forward to a more successful spring break.
Michael: Break? You were just out.
Kitty: That was my sick leave. This is vacation.
Michael: No, no, you’re not going on vacation.
Kitty: Oh, yes, I absolutely am. If you need me, I will be at Señor Tadpole’s having a margarita made in my mouth.
Michael: No, no, hey, Kitty. There will be no margarita in your mouth.
Kitty: Oh, yes, there absolutely will be a margarita in my mouth. Spring break, whoo-hoo! Up here, Michael. Up here.
Michael: Put the shirt back down and keep on moving, okay? You’re fired.
Kitty: I work for your father. You don’t have the hiring and firing power.
Michael: I absolutely do, and you’re fired.
Kitty: I don’t think your father is gonna be very happy about this. So take a good look, ’cause it’s the last time.
Michael: That’s like the seventh nipple I’ve seen today.
Scene[]
Narrator: And Michael was called to the prison.
George, Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can’t fire Kitty. First of all, you don’t have hiring and firing power.
Michael: I do, and I had to— she’s crazy.
George, Sr.: Well, that’s why you don’t fire her. You don’t fire crazy. You never fire crazy.
Michael: She’s completely unprofessional. Look, she just came back from sick leave with these... Oh, my God. You paid for them. Didn’t you?
George, Sr.: Look, you got carried away. Hell, I-I’ve been, I’ve been so corrupted by my power that I even enjoyed firing my own twin brother. You should have seen his face when he was begging me not to. Well, he’s my twin brother. I can show you. It’s funny, but, you know, Kitty had access to all kinds of information. God knows what she poked her nose into.
- Flashback
George, Sr.: There’s enough evidence on this boat to put me away. You’re the only real thing I have. Oh, God, there’s nothing to hold on to down there. You’re like a boy.
Kitty: What’s wrong with you?
George, Sr.: All these books are cooked.
- End flashback
Michael: I’m sorry. I gotta do my job.
George, Sr.: And I gotta get out of prison. Next time someone threatens me, I may not have a son-in-law to offer.
Michael: Look, I can’t come in here... Offer?
George, Sr.: I may not have a son-in-law to offer me counseling. You know, he should have stayed a shrink. He’s very gifted, you know.
- Cutaway
Narrator: In fact, Tobias had even produced a videotape, but its brief success was due to its misleading name. Once this was discovered, all but ten of the videos were returned.
- End cutaway
George, Sr.: Hire Kitty back. Okay? For the company. No, no. For me.
Michael: It is kind of a funny face.
George, Sr.: Oh, come on, now.
Scene[]
Lucille: There’s just absolutely no purse that will go with this outfit. You’ve got a little pocket there, Annyong.
Annyong: Annyong.
Lucille: That’s not getting old.
Lindsay: Where’s Nana?
Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there’s so much food on that boat. She’s up to 74. It’s wonderful. Just wonderful.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille’s mother had been dead for six months.
Lucille: She tried pesto for the first time. Can you believe that? 92 years old and she never tried pesto.
Narrator: Lucille feared that the family would come after the inheritance if they found out.
Lindsay: Was she on the phone, Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong?
Lucille: Emory board. Isn’t he great? And he goes with everything.
Scene[]
Narrator: Meanwhile, G.O.B. was adjusting to a new companion of his own.
George Michael: But that’s not the end of the trick. There’s a big surprise coming.
G.O.B.: Take your T-shirt off, please.
George Michael: Oh, you changed the trick. It’s a different trick.
G.O.B.: Now, if I roll up this T-shirt... Put it in this hat...
Michael: G.O.B.! Hey, George Michael?
George Michael: Hang on, Dad, we’re in the middle of something.
G.O.B.: And if you’ll be so kind as to expose your breasts, please.
Michael: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Hey! What the hell are you doing?
George Michael: Dad, it’s misdirection. You’re supposed to keep your eye on the shirt in the hat.
Michael: Get downstairs, right now. Come on. Buddy, what are you doing here?
George Michael: I’m dying to see how he makes this yacht disappear.
Michael: He’s not going to make the yacht disappear. I told him that.
George Michael: No, but it’s driving me crazy. It’s like a mind puzzle, an awesome mind puzzle.
Narrator: Michael looked at his son and saw that he truly was inspired by his uncle. That perhaps the boy actually admired him.
Michael: I gotta get you out of here. You’re gonna come work with me at the office. Go wait in the stair car.
Michael: (To G.O.B.) Hey, I want you to explain something to me. I’m out looking for Kitty and I find my son in the middle of a Girls with Low Self-Esteem video.
G.O.B.: Oh, don’t worry, he’s going to be covered with a blue dot. Look, he approached me. And as for Kitty, I think you’re crazy that to have fired her. Who knows what kind of information she has?
- Flashback
G.O.B.: He’s my brother and he’s never even said “good job.” I just want him to love me, you know?
Kitty: Wow, you get really girly after, huh?
- End flashback
G.O.B.: Yeah, she definitely knows way too much. Well, go get her. It’s the holidays. I’m sure she’s down at Señor Tadpole’s.
Michael: Right. Having a cocktail made in her mouth. All right, I’m going to go take care of that. In the meantime, stay away from my son.
G.O.B.: Wow, Michael, I’m really hurt. It’s family. What’s more important than family, Michael? This yacht?
Michael: Of course not, G.O.B.
G.O.B.: You’d make the deal? Right now. I stay away from your son, you let me use the yacht.
Michael: The holidays really bring out the best in you.
G.O.B.: Well...
Scene[]
Narrator: Meanwhile, Tobias found his experience as a therapist was helping him deal with his new cellmate.
Tobias: Yes, but where does the hate come from, Bill? What causes it?
White Power Bill: The Jews, I guess.
Tobias: Well, sure, but I think you need to look deeper. I think these are issues of self-esteem. I know what it’s like. I know how it feels to have a father, or in my case, a father-in-law who doesn’t respect you. Anyhoo, we have very little time before this “4:00 pounding” you promised me. I’m going to take a shot at something and say that I think you hate... White Power Bill.
White Power Bill: I hate you.
Tobias: You hate White Power Bill.
White Power Bill: I hate the government.
Tobias: You hate White Power Bill.
White Power Bill: I hate my father!
Warden Gentiles: (Over P.A.) Recreation. All prisoners, one hour.
Tobias: Go get ’em.
White Power Bill: I hate White Power Bill.
Little Justice: You killed him.
Tobias: Well, I...
Little Justice: Like Dorothy. The Wicked Witch is dead! All hail Dorothy!
Scene[]
Narrator: And at an elegant restaurant, Michael asked Kitty to come back.
Kitty: Who are you asking back, Michael, me... or these?
Michael: I want you all back. I want the whole gang, okay? Please, Kitty? I’m trying real hard here, you know? Could we just make believe that none of this ever happened and just start fresh?
Kitty: Oh, Michael, of course, I’ll come back ’cause I never really left. Because we both know that you can’t fire people.
Michael: No, I did fire you and now I’m hiring you back.
Kitty: You don’t have authority over me. They don’t have nachos here.
Michael: You know what, Kitty? Why don’t we forget it. ’Cause I’ve been trying to be very, very generous to you and you don’t respect me, so I’m firing you, okay? You are fired.
Kitty: All right, Michael. But I know where things are and you don’t and you are asking for a whole world of trouble.
Michael: If you’re threatening me, you’re going to be very sorry.
Kitty: Are you threatening me?
Michael: Yeah, that’s a threat. I’m threatening you!
Kitty: Did you hear that everyone? Michael Bluth is threatening me!
John Beard: I’ve got to get out of here. I’m part of the story. I can’t be a part of the story. I can’t be a part of the story.
Kitty: Say good-bye to your company, Michael. And say good-bye...
Michael: No, no, no, no.
Kitty: ...to these ’cause it’s the last time!
Scene[]
John Beard: A woman shows all during a fracas at a local restaurant... sources say.
Act[]
Narrator: George Michael was working harder than ever over his spring break filling in for the now twice-fired Kitty.
Michael: Look at us working together. You get the hang of this, and this could be your summer.
George Michael: Well, I don’t know, Dad. I really wanted to see G.O.B.’s magic show and...
Michael: No, you don’t. Isn’t this much more fun, working with your dad?
George Michael: You know, it’s just...
Michael: You going to get that? Thanks, Laura.
George Michael: Good afternoon, Bluth Company. Talk you off? Talk you off of what, Pop-Pop?
George, Sr.: George Michael... Oh. Hey, I thought you were... When’s that voice going to drop? Where’s Kitty?
George Michael: I think Dad fired her again. He wants to talk to you.
Michael: Well, I don’t want to talk to him. I made my decision and that’s that.
George Michael: You heard? Yeah, all right.
Michael: What’d he say?
George Michael: Well, if I clean it up, it’s not really a sentence.
Scene[]
Narrator: And so George Sr. made another call.
George, Sr.: Kitty’s on the loose. I need you to make something disappear for me. Just some books in that cooler marked “Maddas.” Great.
Narrator: George Sr. hung up, confident that his problems would finally be taken care of.
George, Sr.: Hey, Little Justice. You painted your shoes red.
Little Justice: Call me the Tin Man. I’m a friend of Dorothy’s now. And she wants to see you.
Scene[]
Narrator: And back at the office, Lindsay arrived with her daughter and her mounting suspicions.
Lindsay: Mom says she sent Nana on a cruise.
Michael: You’re still on this? How much was in those birthday cards?
Lindsay: It’s not about the money, Michael. It’s about Nana. I think Mom’s sent her to a nursing home. Some gray windowless room, against her will.
George Michael: So, what was it like out there today?
Maeby: Nice. Sunny.
George Michael: Wow.
Maeby: So how do you think G.O.B.’s going to make this yacht disappear?
George Michael: Well, I’ll be working here, so I guess I’ll never know.
Maeby: The only real way to find out how it’s done is to sneak on the boat while he does it.
George Michael: Yeah, but then if he makes it disappear, won’t everyone just see me standing there?
Maeby: Let’s just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was. Anyway, if it was me, that’s what I would do.
Lindsay: I want to check out Mom’s financial activity. Call her banks, maybe run a hospital search.
Michael: Well, it’s going to mean a lot of hard work, but I’ll put somebody on it. George Michael! Where’s George Michael?
Scene[]
Narrator: In fact, at Maeby’s suggestion, George Michael was off to visit his Uncle G.O.B..
George Michael: Hey, Uncle G.O.B. I came by to see if you needed any help with your magic show.
G.O.B.: Great.
George Michael: I think it’s so great that you’re doing this.
G.O.B.: I’m prepping right now.
George Michael: So how’d you get my Dad’s permission?
Narrator: Suddenly, G.O.B. remembered the promise he had made to stay away from Michael’s son.
G.O.B.: None of your damn business. Get the hell out of here.
George Michael: What?
G.O.B.: You don’t have the magic in you. You never did. You don’t have it here. So take a good look. It’s the last time you’re going to see these. Sorry, kid, more than you’ll...
George Michael: What?
G.O.B.: Beat it!
Scene[]
Narrator: As G.O.B. was forced to send away someone he loved, George Sr. was forced to visit someone he had once tried to shove out of moving car.
Tobias: Welcome.
George, Sr.: You’re Dorothy?
Tobias: I thought the two of us could talk man-on-man. I’m afraid I’m serious. I bought you.
Tobias: (To Little Justice.) Remember to let it steam for five minutes.
George, Sr.: Oh, dear God.
Tobias: I’ve been in this family for 16 years and I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation.
George, Sr.: I’m not going to discuss this.
Tobias: You hate me.
George, Sr.: Yeah, I do hate you. You took my daughter, my precious little girl and moved her away, and now I’m here and I’m afraid I will never get her back.
Tobias: Afraid. You’re afraid. Fear has turned into hate. So Frightened Inmate #2 isn’t frightened at all. He’s angry. He’s a crabby old coot, and he needs love... just like everyone.
George, Sr.: Get your [bleep]ing hands off me.
Tobias: Shh. Don’t be scared. (Singing.) / Somewhere over the rainbow / There’s another rainbow... /
Scene[]
Narrator: And on the beach, the show was beginning.
G.O.B.: Any magician can make the queen of diamonds disappear. But what about a whole boat?!
Michael: Have you seen George Michael?
Lucille: We just got here. I couldn’t find my keys. I can never find anything in here.
G.O.B.: Where once there was a yacht, now there is naught!
Scene[]
Michael: All right, so how’d you do it?
G.O.B.: Michael, a magician never reveals his... I sunk it! I sunk the yacht! At least I think I sunk it. I mean, I blew it up and I don’t see it anywhere. Oh, God, my heart was in my throat when that curtain came down and I’m looking out.
Michael: You sank the yacht? You sank a $700,000 yacht?
G.O.B.: With $900,000 worth of insurance on it. And got rid of the evidence. How about a “Good job”?!
Narrator: Seeing a window of opportunity, Lucille made a startling announcement.
Lucille: Nana was on that yacht!
Michael: What?
Lucille: You killed Nana!
Lindsay: She’s lying. Nana wasn’t on that yacht. She’s fine. She’s been dead for six months.
- Flashback
Narrator: Lindsay had learned this information when she spoke to the family’s personal banker. Later, fearing that Lindsay was on to her, Lucille went to the bank herself.
Lucille: There must be somewhere I can put this money where it can’t be touched.
Bank Manager: I suppose you can keep it in your purse.
Lucille: Very funny. But I’m not carrying a... purse.
- End flashback
Lindsay: Where’s the money, Mom? I want the money.
Lucille: Well, you can’t have it. It’s in a trust fund for Annyong...
Annyong: Annyong?
Lucille: ... and no one can touch it but me, and I retain control of it until he’s 18.
Michael: Boy, I just don’t know what’s more offensive: the fact you didn’t tell us about our grandmother’s death or that you sank a $700,000 yacht.
Lucille: Stop lecturing me. I just lost my mother.
Michael: I’m so glad that George Michael wasn’t here to see any of this. Maeby, where is George Michael?
Maeby: Um, well, if he’s not here, I just have to say he’s probably on the yacht.
Michael: On the yacht?
Narrator: In fact, George Michael had boarded the yacht, but when he saw the evidence of G.O.B.’s lifestyle, he realized that this perhaps was not the life he wanted, while Kitty went in search of retribution in the form of the files in the cooler.
Lindsay: Hey, George Michael’s a good kid. I’m sure he’s at the office.
Michael: I told him to stay away from you and I told you to stay away from him.
G.O.B.: I tried to get rid of him. I told him to get out.
George Michael: Bluth Company, George Michael speaking, not Kitty.
Michael: Thank God you’re there.
George Michael: Yeah, well, I don’t need a real spring break. I really think I am much better off here alone in this office.
Narrator: Michael realized he’d been too hard on his son, so he came up with a solution.
Michael: You’re fired.
George Michael: Really? Can you fire people?
Michael: Yeah. Go have a spring break.
George Michael: Thanks, Dad. Are you sure you’re going to be okay without Kitty?
Michael: Don’t you worry. She’ll turn up.
Act[]
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lupe makes a startling discovery...
Lupe: Oh, so that makes Annyong 18.
Scene[]
Narrator: ... and Michael finds himself in the middle of the search for a missing Kitty.
Officer Taylor: Well, we have a restaurant full of people saying that you threatened Kitty the last time she was seen.
Michael: How does anybody even remember this?
Officer Taylor: She showed her knobs in a steak house, sir.