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Transcript of Queen B.

Transcript of "Queen B."
Written by: Dean Lorey & Richard Rosenstock

Season Four, Episode Ten

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Carter Hastings as Lem
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
John Beard as Himself
Tommy Tune as Argyle Austero
Andy Richter as Emmett Richter
Kristen Wiig as Young Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Himself
Chris Diamantopoulos as Marky Bark
Maria Bamford as Debrie Bardeaux
Martin Mull as Gene Parmesan
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Mac Brandt as Coast guardsman
Bernie Kopell as Judge Kornzucker
Max Winkler as Young Barry Zuckerkorn
Amy Hill as Noh
Suzanne Whang as Olive Garden
Bobby Lee a Mrs. Oh
Peter Giles as RAPHOCWCPS narrator
Dana Powell as Crab shack worker
Maggie Rowe as Minni Fourgerer
Daisy Galvis as Chona
Nicole Miller as Partier


The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Queen B.". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Queen B." was written by Dean Lorey & Richard Rosenstock.

Act 1[]

Announcer: Meet the Jade Dragon Triad. They take no prisoners, because they are prisoners - at the Orange County Correctional Facility L.I.T.E.


Announcer: They're the ruling gang in this four-star hellhole, and the Real Asian Prison Housewives of the Orange County White Collar Prison System.


Caption: NOH

Noh: We are a gang. We stick together. Uh-huh. Although, right now, one of our members is a real B-word. We're getting ready to do something about it.

Caption: OLIVE

Olive Garden: She come in and quickly become leader. And we get so sick of her bossy, bossy behavior. And now she got to go.

Caption: MRS. OH

Mrs. Oh: In civilian life, we'd just vote Lu out. But here, she's gonna end up on the wrong end of a noodle. Uncooked. You get me?

Caption: LU

Lucille: Ignore them. Their bark is louder than the dogs they eat back home. And I got news for them. Anyone who comes after me is going to be one unfortunate cookie. (laughs) I made a pun.

Act 2[]

Queen Mary

Narrator: Years before her behavior had become "bossy, bossy" with the Jade Dragon Triad, Lucille was fleeing the SEC...

Lucille: Full steam, boys!

Narrator: ...when she got a call.

Lucille: Hello, Lucille, I still hope you're coming to our little get-together.

Lucille 2: You want to hear something funny? I never got an invitation! But I feel like I'm there, because it's all over the news. Oh, honey, is that you? I'm on my deck waving to you. But with those police boats following you, I guess I'm waving goodbye.

Lucille: Well, you must be mistaken, because I can't see you, and you're usually as hard to miss as Liberace wearing a fright wig.

Lucille 2: Oh, goodness, that is you! I'm practically counting your crow's feet.

Lucille: Oh, well, maybe I should turn back and show you another bird. (Lucille 2 hangs up) He-hello? Did you hear me say that about the bird? Hello?

Narrator: But it was clear that Lucille 2 hadn't heard it. So, in a fit of what sailors call "sea rage", she turned back to show her the bird.

Lucille: Coming about. Coming about. Coming about, boys!

Narrator: But Lucille 2 wasn't the only thing that got flipped that day.

Capsized Queen Mary.

John Beard: (on TV) None of which would have happened if it had continued out to sea. But then the Queen changed course, heading back to shore, before crashing into the jetty in what can only be described as a "sail-past" gone wrong.

Narrator: And that's when they got some good news from Barry.

Barry: First of all, won't be cheap. It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees.

George, Sr.: What's the good news?

Narrator: Correction. Good news for Barry.

Barry: From your perspective, I can see where you think it’s all bad news. It’s all bad news.

Narrator: Although he did have one good suggestion.

Barry: Ha - you're going away for a long time, unless we can come up with a good alibi.

Buster: Mother! I fell in the ocean. Why didn't you come for me?

Lucille: And there it is.

Buster: What?

Lucille: I did, Buster.

Buster: What?

Lucille: Tell them how you were drowning and I commandeered the ship to save you. Tell them what I did. (winks) The truth.

Buster: Okay. She stole the Queen Mary to get away from the SEC. Oh, and she winked. Correction, it's a glare. (laughs) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Lucille is escorted away.

George, Sr.: What's going on?

Lucille: Hey!

Buster: What are you doing? Wait, where are you going? Where are you going? Wait, she doesn't have her make-up, I have her lipstick! Bring her back! Come on- uh...

Narrator: But Buster knew that lipstick wasn't the only thing she'd be without. So, after she was released to await trial under house arrest, he made sure she was able to catch up on what she missed.

Martini glasses all over the penthouse.

Lucille: This is the same scene I came back to after Cancún four years ago.

Narrator: And after devising their plan to build the wall...

Lucille: Our wall. We build the wall.

Narrator: was decided that George Senior should move out...

George, Sr.: We build that sucker...

Lucille: That’s my Georgie!

Narrator: order to make their fake divorce look real.

George, Sr.: ...five miles high.

Lucille: This fake divorce has got to look real. After the trial, you can move back in. It's only a trial separation. (laughs) Made a pun! Even in this time of stress.

George, Sr.: D'you think you're gonna be... okay alone with Buster?

Lucille: If I need a moment to myself I'll step out on the balcony.

George, Sr.: Your ankle bracelet, it's gonna go off.

Lucille: So I'll make him stand on the balcony. He's happiest when he feels useful.

Narrator: Soon, he was practically delirious.

Lucille breathes smoke into Buster's mouth, and he goes to breathe it out of the balcony doors.

Narrator: There was one bright spot when they simultaneously stumbled on a term they both secretly recognized...

Man: (on TV) ...and now it's time to take this hot mess of a skirt...

Narrator: ...would be useful in their future disagreements.

Man:(on TV) ...and my model is...

Lucille: (mouthing) Hot mess.

Man:(on TV) ...I'm covered with glue, and I'm, like, "This is a hot mess!"

Buster: (mouthing) Hot mess.

Narrator: But as her trial grew closer, it was getting harder for Lucille not to alienate her alibi.

Buster: Here's your breakfast.

Lucille: This toast has hook holes. Again! I told you to get rid of that thing. It's hideous. Plus, what's gonna happen when they swear you in? You're gonna rip the bible in half! The jury'll love that.

Buster: You're getting pretty snippy to your key witness, aren't you?

Lucille: What do you want?

Buster: Maybe you could hook me up with a little stimmy. (gestures with hook) Lil' stimmy.

Lucille: Are you trying to do this? (rubs fingers together)

Buster: Yes! And I want stimmy to get a hook that'll do that.

Narrator: When no such hook was available, Lucille found other means to mollify her alibi. Both of which were unveiled at a family meeting.

Buster strokes gold hook covered in jewels.

George, Sr.: (to Michael) You're the key witness in your mother's trial.

Buster: Wait, I thought I was the key witness.

Lucille: You're the star witness.

Buster: Oh.

Lucille: Because it was your life I was going after to save. He fell off the boat. He'll tell you in my own words.

Buster: Uhh. (mumbling) Homosexuals kidnapped...

Lucille: Up, up, up.

Buster: (stands) Homosexuals kidnapped the boat and took it on a joy ride. Mother didn't want to trample their rights, so she let 'em. Then she realized that her son fell off the boat and into the water, and she went back. Oh, and a fish swam by my ankle. That really happened. Should I keep that?

Lucille: Make it an eel.

Buster: Okay. (shouting) It's gonna be an eel!

Barry: Better.

Narrator: But alone with Buster, the tension grew worse, and things came to a head the night before the trial.

Lucille: Just don't understand why I can't sleep in my own bed the night before the trial. Buster! I'm going to exhale.

Buster: No, please. I've had like seven in the past half hour.

Lucille: You're not the one staring five years in the face.

Buster: Well, right now I'm staring at a hundred years in the face!

Lucille: How dare you? (to cop) Would you mind? (he leaves)

Buster: Be careful, defendant. Remember who you're talking to. It sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness.

Lucille: Star witness. And are you threatening yourself?

Buster: Maybe I am.

Narrator: And losing confidence in her star witness, Lucille decided to take a few keepsakes with her in case things didn't go her way.

Lucille notices a "GOB" sticker on the bottom of a martini shaker.

Narrator: And that's when she discovered that the family she believed supported her had actually already begun divvying up her stuff in case she lost.

George Michael's childish signature on the bottom of a hand-made ashtray.

Lucille: Oh. And he's supposed to be the good one. This does not bode well for tomorrow.

Narrator: Actually, they'd claimed those things years earlier when she was having a sun spot checked. But she was right to worry about the turnout for the trial.

Cut to: Crab Shack courtroom

Judge Kornzucker: Does the defense have a witness they'd like to call? Any witness?

Lucille: Please tell me you're working on a strategy for us.

Barry: Oh. It's us now? Well, we have Lucille Austero. She's the only one who showed. I don't think that is good for us.

Lucille: Nonsense. She owns the company now. She's got as much to lose as I do. And she's a dear friend. I'll... do it myself, though. I need this to go well.

Narrator: And so it was Lucille who did the questioning of her new star witness, Lucille 2.

Barry: We would like to call Lucille Austero.

Lucille: Thank you so much for coming to be my witness. You're such a large shareholder... Oh. I've made a pun!

Lucille 2: Oh, how could I not do it for my oldest friend? Oh! Now I've gone and done a double. (both laugh)

Lucille: A double. Like your pre-surgery chin.

Lucille 2: Or your post-breakfast drink. Oh, I wish you'd come to my rehab clinic. But, anything to help that Keystone Kop family of yours.

Lucille: Keystone Kops. Your references are as fresh as the wallpaper in the room of that pretend child you've had all these years. But, my friend...

Lucille 2: You're right, I shouldn't joke. None of your family showed up, you poor thing. This is such a black mark on all of you.

Lucille: You should know about black marks. Your pillow must look like a Rorschach Test. (laughing) Not that there'd be anyone to see it.

Lucille 2: So, as I was saying...

Narrator: But unfortunately, their thirty year passive-aggressive dance was losing some of its passive.

Lucille: As if everybody in this room couldn't tell how jealous and conniving you are, my dear Lucille Austero.

Lucille 2: What I knew was that you were stealing for years. We all did! That's why nobody was surprised when you stole that boat.

Lucille: And I knew you couldn't wait to get your liver-spotted claws into my company.

Lucille 2: Says the woman whose liver can be spotted from outer space!

Lucille: No further questions!

Lucille 2: No further answers!

Lucille: Am I done?

Barry: Oh... that's got to be a treasure chest.

Lucille: You think that went well?

Barry: (covering up puzzle placemat) I do.

Narrator: The judge kept Lucille on ice while she awaited the verdict.

Cut to: cold storage room

Lucille: (shivering) Have you heard anything?

Crab Shack Worker: Well, our cashier's pregnant, and she's not married, so...

Lucille: I mean about me.

Crab Shack Worker: Oh, you're guilty. Three to five.

Door slams on Lucille.

Act 3[]

Orange County Correctional Facility L.I.T.E.

Narrator: Lucille was checking in to her new home.

Receptionist: Hello! Oh, Mrs. Bluth is here for stealing the Queen Mary.

Narrator: It was one of the so-called country club prisons...

Receptionist: So! You are here...

Narrator: ...that had become popular after the Enron debacle.

Receptionist: You want to go here, so you're gonna take this hallway to the elevators and then you're gonna want to...

Lucille: Slow down. You sound like the end of a Cymbalta commercial.

Receptionist: Even the lifers get confused. Don't worry...

Narrator: Even though it was a nice prison, it was still prison.

Receptionist: You have a choice of fresh scent, sport or floral for your delousing. Also, if you're sexually assaulted by a guard...

Lucille: A $20 gratuity is appreciated?

Receptionist: (laughs) No, but press seven on your phone. If you go through the front desk, it'll take forever.

Narrator: After Lucille got settled in, she received a visitor.

Lucille: You missed my trial, George. How could you?

George, Sr.: I told you I was sorry. I was unconscious on the sweat lodge floor. I lost two days.

Lucille: I'm losing three to five years. And those are the last years, George, the best years, where you can have sex and not worry about getting pregnant.

George, Sr.: All right, here's the good news. They only got you on stealing the boat, they didn't even touch us on the financial stuff. You're gonna get outta here!

Lucille: When? Better be before the money runs out, this place isn't cheap.

George, Sr.: I know, and you are running up those spa bills.

Lucille: The same girl who hands me towels does the cavity checks. You tip.

George, Sr.: Barry says he can get your sentence reduced, if... you agree to leave here and go to Lucille 2's rehab clinic.

Lucille: That's the bitch that put me here. And I'm not going to fake having some sort of, I don't know, alcohol problem just so that sterile cuckoo bird can laugh at me.

George, Sr.: I figured. Okay. I have another idea. Now, you know China Garden?

Lucille: I know the one by the harbor.

George, Sr.: No, this one's a person. And that one closed. China Garden's aunt, Olive, is very well connected with the Jade Triad gang. It's a prison gang here. And believe me, they will protect you.

Lucille: That's a gang? I thought they were tech support.

Narrator: It turned out they were a gang, and thanks to China Garden, Lucille was admitted as a probationary member.

Mrs. Oh: You play mahjong before?

Lucille: Our beach club used to have a Jewish day. Your move, Olive Garden.

Olive Garden: I can't concentrate. Playing mahjong without cigarette is like playing video poker without... cigarette.

Noh: Why are we not allowed to smoke in this stupid prison?

Narrator: And that's when Lucille made her move.

Lucille: I know a loophole.

Olive Garden: Ah? "Roop hore"?

All: Roop hore. Rope hore. Rope hore? Rope hore?

Narrator: It was a move that would get Lucille accepted as a full-fledged member of the Jade Dragon Triad.

Mrs. Oh: You couldn't have chosen a harder word to say.

Narrator: And soon the Dragons were taking drags on their cigarettes again.

Other inmates breathe cigarette smoke and transport it to the windows.

Lucille: There's always a way to get what you want.

Olive Garden: My husband is a very powerful man, Lucille Bluth. Perhaps we can help each other get what we want.

Narrator: And that's how Lucille found a deep-pocketed investor to help build the wall.

Lucille: I got Olive Garden to offer us unlimited bread. Who better than the Chinese to help us build a wall, right?

George, Sr.: So, the Chinese will own a piece of the wall between the U.S. and Mexico?

Lucille: They'll own all of it, but they'll make us very rich in the process. We just need to get Michael to sign a release. He sold his shares, but he could still claim that he deserves a piece. Or worse, find out and blow the whistle. Where the hell did we go wrong with that kid?

George, Sr.: Probably where we went wrong with the others, I don't know... I like the plan, I just wonder if we're not in that treason-adjacent space where the, uh, government will, will retaliate and... execute us.

Lucille: Oh, they'd never execute a woman for this. I have a good feeling about these people.

George, Sr.: Oh. That's good enough for me. (hangs up and starts to sob)

Narrator: But the change in the economy led the government to put the wall project on hold. And as the months passed and the Chinese saw no progress on the wall, tension mounted.

Mrs. Oh: What?

Narrator: And Lucille was getting more controlling.

Lucille: She said you're fat. That's what you said, right? Or does that mean something different in Chinese?

Noh: No, it means fat.

Olive Garden: You keep causing trouble, you're going to end up with noodles in you belly. (makes stabbing motion)

Lucille: I like noodles.

Olive Garden: Not this way, very hard to digest.

Lucille: Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

Mrs. Oh: It's no secret, we'll kill you.

Narrator: She was even being controlling of the R.A.P.H.O.C.W.P.S. reality TV crew.


Lucille: Did you get that? Do you need a clean of her making the threat? I can lean back, but you will come around and get my reaction, yes?

Mrs. Oh: Oh, I'll say it again. We'll kill you.

Caption: days later...

Narrator: But soon, the threat was made real.

Lucille: We're playing mahjong!

Mrs. Oh: Hello.

Noh: Oh! She's got a sharpened noodle.

Lucille: She's trying to noodle-stab me.

Alarms and screams.

Lucille: Aah!

Lucille throws water over the noodles, then blows powder in Mrs. Oh's eye.

Mrs. Oh: My eye!

Lucille: This'll be even more exciting if you jump cut it.

Olive Garden: Quiet! You can't just come in and have bread for nothing around here. You have to pay bill some time.

Narrator: It wasn't a great time to find out George didn't own the right property to build the wall on. And so a new plan emerged.

Lucille: Look, we make sure Herbert Love comes out against the wall - right after we get enough of it up to trigger the government payment.

Narrator: They needed the government to kill the wall completely, but pay them anyway.

George, Sr.: As much as I'd like to stay and lay some more pipe with you, I better get moving on this thing.

Lucille: We've got to make this wall work, George. We know Lucille 2 will oppose it. We just have to make sure Herbert Love does.

George, Sr.: Oh, don't worry. That's why I asked Michael for help.

Lucille: Michael? What are you bringing Michael into this for? The only thing he should be doing is signing over his rights to the company.

Michael: I asked him to do this as well.

Narrator: He made it a condition of the now four-favor family pact.

George, Sr.: He's doing it, he's doing it. Will you please relax?

Cut to: outside Orange County Imagine

George, Sr.: Do something for me. You know, your mother is very hurt. You haven't visited her. It's like you have given up on the family business.

Michael: I have.

George, Sr.: Yes, but not in writing. To protect all of us, visit her, sign a little something saying it's all hers. Will you do this, Michael?

Michael: Yeah. But I get to make you look bad in the movie.

George, Sr.: Okay.

Michael: Should we settle up?

George, Sr.: All right. Who owes what, what to who?

Michael: I want this first...

Cut to: prison

Lucille: Send me some evidence of a wall I can show the Chinese. And the government. We need to make this happen, George. The Chinese have more than a sharpened noodle with my name on it.

Narrator: And days later, that evidence arrived from George Senior.

Caption: days later...

Video footage.

George, Sr.: We've built this wall! We have miles and, and miles of wall. Uh...

Lucille fast-forwards.

George, Sr.: Here's more wall, uh...

Buster: (outside trailer) Daddy! Daddy!

George, Sr.: And you know, it feels good to be protecting our, our border.

Lucille: My God, he Steamboat Willie-d it.

More fast-forwarding.

George, Sr.: It's a heart project.

Buster: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

George, Sr.: We love America.

Narrator: And that's when Lucille noticed something worrisome.

"Mrs. Oh" sticker on the underside of the remote.

Narrator: It seemed her prison family was preparing for her to disappear as well. So Lucille took matters into her own hands.

Tips out phone and vodka bottles from a box of no-saltines and makes a call.

G.O.B.: (on phone) Well, that was fast, you hot little-

Lucille: It's your mother.

G.O.B.: Hi. Sorry, I, I thought you were somebody else. I can't tell you who, 'cause I'm... dating... someone... famous.

Lucille: You better start to build this wall, pronto. I tried with your father, but he can't do it.

G.O.B.: Well, I'm kind of busy now. I'm working with Michael.

Lucille: What are you working on with Michael?

G.O.B.: Dad made him give me a job.

Lucille: I see, so he thought it was a good idea to have you two together... Isn't that nice? My God, is there anyone there with half a brain that can help me with this?

G.O.B.: I don't know about half a brain, but Tobias is living with me right now and he's not very bright. Although he is working in the rehab where Lucille 2 is.

Lucille: He is?

Narrator: And that's when Lucille came up with a plan to get transferred away from the Jade Dragon Triad.

Lucille: Hire a crew and start the wall. And not a word to your brother. I'm getting a transfer. It's time for Mama to put on the old drunk act.

G.O.B.: That was an...?

She hangs up.

Act 4[]

Narrator: After a call to Lucille 2's rehab center, where her drunk act was as good as anything you'd see at the Method One Clinic...

Lucille: Hi, Lushille Bluth, Lushille 2 pleashe. (sighs) Fine, Lucille Austero.

Narrator: ...Lucille was admitted as a patient and soon met the therapist who held the keys to her freedom.

Tobias: I must say that I'm thrilled that you've chosen me.

Lucille: You look great. That suit looks very hetero on you.

Tobias: Well, thank you. You look very hetero as well. Now... how are you?

Lucille: I'm as normal as blueberry pie. So write that down on a form, sign me out, I won't have to go back to prison, and maybe you'll find a new car parked in your driveway. (winks)

Tobias: Ew... Yes, well, it, it doesn't work that way. We have to have a series of sessions, and, uh, I have to swear in the best of my professional opinion that you have accepted and made every effort at thoughtfully reflecting upon your weaknesses.

Lucille: Yes! Write down that I did that.

Tobias: Well, no, I, I don't work that way.

Lucille: You don't work any way. This is your first paying job in 10 years.

Tobias: Oh, no, no, this doesn't pay. This is part of a work release program. The state of California thinks that I'm a sex offender, D- don't worry about what the state of California thinks. The point is we have a chance to be honest with ourselves.

Lucille: Fine. You don't look heterosexual in that suit. You look as swishy as Ryan Seacrest.

Tobias: Ryan Seacrest is straight.

Lucille: And I'm 40! Sign the form.

Tobias: Well! At least we have a dialog going.

Lucille: Dialog? If you don't release me, you've heard the last I'm going to say to you in these sessions.

Tobias: Fine, but you will have to sit with me for the full session. Every single session. Now, Lucille, I can't make you talk. But you know what I can do? (silence) Hmm? (silence) Okay, I can't trick you into talking, either.

Narrator: This went on for several sessions.

Silent staring.

Tobias: Perhaps that's why they call this place Aus-stare-ity. ...No? (silence) Aus-stare-it... Fine. Well, if you're not going to talk, I'm just going to... write this up.

Narrator: Earlier that day, Tobias had encountered a plot problem with the Fantastic Four musical.

Argyle: One thing we could use. A villain.

Tobias: I was thinking the same thing. I mean, why aren't the Fantastic Four fighting anyone?

Argyle: Instead of just dancing around, you mean?

Tobias: Right, it's like it's all Sharks and no Jets.

Argyle: Then we would have a second act.

Emmett: Lucia, right? I mean, that's their foe. Lucia von Bardas? Have you guys ever even read one of these things?

Tobias: How much would it cost to do this right? I mean really right.

Narrator: So Tobias was glad for the break in Lucille's sessions so he could work on it.

Tobias: This woman is a villain.

Lucille: You think I'm a villain too?

Tobias: N-

Lucille: My children are all waiting for me to die so they can divvy up my stuff, my Chinese gang mates were getting ready to noodle stab me, and even one of the guards called me "Gangie," and he was talking about the monster movie. He thinks that horrible monster looks like me. So fine, you want to call me a villain, I accept it! I'm your villain!

Tobias: Uh, actually I was writing down a casting breakdown for the role of Lucia for my Fantastic Four musical.

Lucille: This was all about your stupid play? I was about to cry for the first time in 60 years. I remember when the last time was, too. I hid under Mama's porch during a thunderstorm, and I found the remains of my-

Tobias: It's not a stupid play, it's a musical. And I have to debut it on a boat at Cinco.

Lucille: It's on a boat?

Young Barry: (in flashback) Take to the sea!

Tobias: Yes, I'll sign everyone out for the night, but I guess I'll have to play the old sea bitch myself.

Lucille: I'm in.

Tobias: Really? Well, that's wonderful. Well, I think we have made a breakthrough today. I-in the musical. Not you. Oh, God, no, there's miles of work to do with you.

Narrator: But, of course, he would make her audition. So Lucille wrote a song from the heart.

Lucille: (singing) My children despise me, my husband defies me, it doesn't surprise me - the hell with them all! I'll put up a wall! You think I'm a villain, a villain I'll be - my heart is in pain, I just want to flee... from me!

Tobias: Wonderful.

Argyle: Terrifying.

Tobias: Isn't she? Betty, you can leave. Lucille, would you please stay?

Narrator: But staying was the last thing Lucille had in mind.

Phone ringing.

Lucille: Hello?

Oscar: I want to be with you, I... I have needs.

Lucille: George, is that you?

Narrator: It wasn't. It was Oscar, who, living as George and feeling more amorous...

Caption: moments earlier...

Narrator: went to visit Lucille 2 for an afternoon delight.

Oscar: (whistles) Lucille?

Narrator: When she wasn't there, he found her work number.

Woman: (on phone) Austerity?

Oscar: Lucille... 2, please?

Narrator: But, of course, at Austerity, this woman is Lucille 2.

Lucille: Hello?

Oscar: I want to be with you, I... I have needs.

Lucille: George, is that you?

Narrator: But a newly virile Oscar figured, in a pinch, any Lucille would do.

Oscar: Yes, this is George. Where are you?

Lucille: I'm in rehab, you know that.

Oscar: Why don't I swing by, and we can conjugate?

Lucille: Let's do our business over the phone.

Oscar: May not have a lot of time, but, uh, all right, here goes. I want to pull your panties off with my...

Lucille: Real business, George.

Oscar: (businesslike tone) I'd very much like to pull your underwear off with my, my teeth...

Lucille: No.

Oscar: Okay, okay.

Lucille: At Cinco, we're getting on a boat, we're leaving the country.

Oscar: But what about love?

Lucille: Easy. Gene Parmesan got photos of Herbert Love with some redheaded whore. I'm giving his wife a taste so he knows we know. If he wins, we should be able to get him to do whatever we want with that wall now.

Oscar: I'm not completely following...

Phone beeps.

Lucille: Oh, hold on.

Narrator: And that's when Lucille finally had a visit from her son.

Lucille: Hello?

Man: (on phone) Michael Bluth here to see you.

Lucille: Send him up.

Oscar: ...with my teeth.

Lucille: Michael's here.

Oscar: Oh, okay.

Lucille: This is my chance to make sure he doesn't get too cozy with G.O.B.

Oscar: Why?

Lucille: Bad things happen when brothers collude.

Caption: Lyle and Erik Menendez

Caption: Donnie and Rocky Richter

Caption: Cody and Zack

Oscar: When can we have sex?

Lucille: After Cinco.

Oscar: Cinco?

Lucille: Just get a boat ready. We'll make our getaway.

Oscar: So, not... not today.

Lucille hangs up.

Narrator: And that's when she saw Michael for the first time since the last time he left the family.

A staffer lets Michael in to the room.

Michael: Thank you very much... Hello there! Thank you. Wow! This is a step up from prison.

Lucille: How would you know? You haven't come to visit me once.

Michael: Yeah, sorry, I... feel bad about that.

Lucille: So, you're here to make amends? Because you know your mother will always take you back.

Michael: And because I know my mother wants me to sign away any connection to the family business.

Lucille: I just need a signature.

Michael: I'm happy to help... if you do something-

Both: -for me.

Lucille: Yeah, I heard that's been happening. I'm happy to help you, honey.

Michael: Me too.

Narrator: And that's how Michael got his mother's rights to the movie. But not right away.

Both read the contracts very carefully.

Caption: 25 minutes later...

Michael: So happy to help.

Lucille: Me too. So, everything else is good?

Michael: Yeah.

Lucille: You've talked to your sister, the radical?

Michael: Yeah. She's a redhead now, and she's dating Herbert Love, but other than her looks and her belief system, she's the same old Lindsay.

Lucille: Ah... So that's Lindsay in the photo. I hear you're dating an actress - who's also dating Ron Howard?

Michael: Haha. No-no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She is not dating Ron Howard, Mother. Ron Howard is her father. Okay? (chuckles) Your mind... I did, though, actually find out who she is dating.

Cut to: Rebel's apartment

Caption: earlier that day...

Narrator: Michael had found out earlier that day, when he visited her apartment to head off any ill feelings she might have about this...

Ron Howard: I'll do everything in my power to make sure she never dates you again.

Narrator: Or this.

Tobias: (strangling Howard) You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!

Michael shows the housekeeper his bunch of flowers.

Michael: Nice, right?

Housekeeper: Is... too big. She likes... small. (points at single flower in vase)

Lem: May I please have ice-cream?

Housekeeper: (leaving) No, no, you are Depardieu. No sweets.

Michael: Getting excited about Cinco? Your Cinco, not ours.

No answer.

Michael reads the label on the flower: "Unpretentiously yours - GEORGE MAHARIS."

Narrator: Michael wasn't proud of what he was about to do.

Michael: Hey, Lem, I can reach the ice-cream, and, you know, in my family, we play a game called "If You Do Something for Me."

Michael pulls out a bag labeled "DOVE (BAR) DO NOT EAT".

Michael: Rules are meant to be broken, huh? I will give you this Dove bar if you do something for me.

Lem: We have Dove bars?

Michael: We do. Look at that. Tell me what you know about this... George Maharis.

Lem: Not much. He's old.

Michael: Is he older than me?

Lem: Few years. He looks like you.

Michael: So, handsome.

Narrator: And that's when Lucille found a way to keep the brothers from colluding.

Lucille: George Maharis. George. That's your brother's name. George Oscar Bluth.

Michael: Yes, uh, George is G.O.B.'s... first name, yep.

Narrator: And that's when Michael remembered something else strange.

Michael tips up bag: a frozen dove falls out.

Michael: I probably should have expected that.

Narrator: And then, stranger.

Tag on dove's leg: "LOVE EACH OTHER."

Michael: Love each other.

Lucille: Oh, that definitely sounds like Gob. And he did say he was seeing someone famous...

G.O.B.: I thought you were somebody else. I can't tell you who, 'cause I'm... dating... someone... famous.

Narrator: And Michael remembered hearing about that as well.

Tobias: Me doth think he hath a lady.

Michael: Oh.

Tobias: And they're both bit of a celebrities.

Michael: Well, that is odd, because I, I'm also dating a celebrity.

Lucille: If I were you I'd put a tail on him. Get a P.I.

Michael: Where the hell am I gonna find a P.I.?

Gene Parmesan: Gene Parmesan, at your service.

Lucille: (screams) Aah, it's Gene! He does this to me every time!

Michael: What's he doing here, Mom?

Lucille: Oh, he's working for me.

Michael: Why'd you scream, then?

Lucille: I thought he was that guy! (points at young African-American guy)

Michael: Hmm.

Act 5[]

Narrator: At Lucille's behest, Michael borrowed the family P.I. to follow his brother.

Limo drives past.

Gene Parmesan: He just drove by. Pick me up.

Michael picks Gene up in the StreetView car.

Michael: This is the great disguise, huh? Fry cook!

Gene Parmesan: Oh, no, no. This is my horrible night job. In fact, I was hoping you could drop me off at Chicken Dan's when we're all done.

Michael: Chicken Dan's, huh? That is embarrassing.

Gene Parmesan: This from a man who's driving around a mapping car? You know, I don't even think these things work. That's why I rely on these babies right here. The ol' binocs. Let's see if we can't find this target. You know, the great thing about these is there's no software to update. (gags)

Michael: Oh, God, what are you doing?

Gene Parmesan: Sorry. Oh. These binoculars make me nauseous.

Michael: Well, of course they do. Why don't you just use the maps? We're riding in a satellite-linked mapping car.

Gene Parmesan: No, no, sometimes the old ways are the... (gags)

Michael: Hey.

Gene Parmesan: You, you better pull over.

Michael: All right, hang on.

Gene Parmesan: Pull over!

Cut to: clinic

Narrator: And while Michael was waylaid, Lucille was working on her tap dancing.

Tobias: (singing gruffly) You look down on Thing, but that is 'cause you haven't heard me sing... (lifts off mask)

Lucille: Hey, ex- excuse me. Excuse-

Tobias: (singing) When I was a little bitty boy-

Lucille: Excuse me.

Narrator: Correction - her tap dancing...

Lucille: She missed a step. Tell her she missed a step. She can't do it like that.

Narrator: ...on people's feelings.

Tobias: Oh, uh, DeBrie, you might have missed a step, so...

DeBrie: Sorry, I think I might... I hurt my... leg. And so, I need some Tylenol with codeine. Or maybe a little morphie morph.

Tobias: No, DeBrie, come on. Don't you want to get back on that horse?

DeBrie: Even better!

Narrator: She was the best villain casting since Shirley MacLaine in Gangie 4. And on the night of Cinco, Lucille's escape plans got a step closer to completion. Oscar did indeed borrow a boat and left it idling - which, unfortunately, was what this man was looking for.

Marky Bark climbs aboard Oscar's boat.

Narrator: And Lucille slipped away from the cast looking for her husband.

Lucille: There you are!

George, Sr.: What are you doing here?

Lucille: What do you mean, what am I doing here? We made plans to escape on the boat!

George, Sr.: I never made plans with you.

Lucille: We talked about it on the phone when you were trying to talk dirty to me.

George, Sr.: Oh.

Lucille: What is wrong with you?

George, Sr.: This is, this is embarrassing. Full disclosure. Uh, that was Oscar who may have been the one you were talking with. He's been filling in... for me occasionally.

Lucille: Filling in? As in, visiting me? You sent your brother to have sex with me?

George, Sr.: No. I sent him to listen to you one time, and then he found out about the wall and tried to get you talking about it, and this was his way of shutting you up.

Lucille: He told you this.

George, Sr.: No, you told me when I visited. I... got in there a couple of times... too. But not for sex. I just don't have the tiger in my tank anymore. Maybe I do need a vacay. So, tell me about this trip. That's interesting. Where we going?

Lucille: I'll tell you where we're going. We're going to court. We're getting a real divorce. You're out of the marriage.

George, Sr.: Lucille?

Narrator: And that's when she came face to face with the man whose face she'd just faced.

Oscar: Are you ready?

Narrator: But it was a different-

Lucille: Hello, Oscar.

Narrator: -it was Oscar.

Lucille: You should get an Oscar for your portrayal of George in "Screw the Oblivious Sister-in-law".

Oscar: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You got me. I was gonna tell you. I was acting when I pretended to be George, but I am dead serious when I say you are the hottest woman I know. I'm here tonight because I want to run away with you.

Lucille: Oscar. Really?

Oscar: Of course. What, do you think I'm here for the donkey punch? Which I do love, and it's the only night you can get it, but you are the only woman for me, Lucille!

Lucille: Bring me those thin, pot-stained lips.

Oscar: Oh, honey.

They kiss.

Lucille: What's this?

Narrator: And that's when she found the latest thing that was hers that had been claimed.

Sticker on the back of Oscar's pants: "LUCILLE AUSTERO - MY Kind of Lucille".

Cut to: CCTV view of stair car

Narrator: He'd actually acquired it earlier that night when he was... polling for Lucille 2.

Lucille: She's claimed you. Everyone I know wants to take everything away from me.

Oscar: No! That's not true. I love you. I don't know if it's the maca, I've just been so randy lately. But you're... You... You're my kind of Lucille.

Lucille: Get away from me, you liar. I can't believe you were with her. She's finished. And the Oscar goes too.

Oscar: To...?

Lucille: Get out of my sight!

Narrator: She was in an emotional storm and could have used a therapist...

Lucille: Oh, my God.

Tobias: Lucille! Wh-where are you going?

Narrator: ...when she ran into a therapist who could have used a Storm.

Lucille: To disappear. That's what everybody wants me to do.

Tobias: Lucille. You are not the villain.

Lucille: I'm so tired of being the villain.

Tobias: Well, those days are over. What you are is the Invisible Girl. You make it impossible for people to see you in order to protect yourself.

Narrator: And somehow, in that moment, something changed for her.

Lucille: I do do that.

Tobias: And this way, you launch sneak attacks and you create a force field to keep people away.

Lucille: Right! I'm not a villain. I'm the Invisible Girl!

Tobias: Yes, that's what I'm saying!

Lucille: Oh, you know, it's funny - I never would have come to this if it hadn't been for Lucille 2's rehab. I need to pay her back for everything she's done to me. I'm going back to rehab. I just have to make one quick stop first.

Music: Don't want to be... invisible.

Tobias: I don't think we have time. Do you want to change into the wig-?

Narrator: And that's the night that Lucille decided she didn't want to be invisible anymore.

Music: Invisible...

Tobias: I've got to do this.

Music: Ooh, yeah...

Narrator: And perhaps, ironically, it was also the night that Lucille 2 became the invisible girl.

Dark CCTV footage of the stair car: a flash lights up blood on the steps.

Act 6[]

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development. Tobias boards the boat originally meant for Lucille's escape, and after making one stop, faces the awful truth.

Marky Bark: (laughing) They're gonna be talking about this bomb for years.

Fantastic Four cast on float.

Tobias: God, it is bad, isn't it? Lindsay was right to discourage me.

Marky Bark: Tobias?

Tobias: Marky?

Marky Bark: If you're not Lindsay then where is Lindsay?

Tobias: Isn't that her on the Love boat?

Marky Bark: But I just put a bomb on the Love boat!

Tobias: What?

Both: Lindsay! Lindsay!

Marky Bark: Lindsay, there's a bomb!

Lindsay sees her suitcase on the Love boat.

Narrator: Lindsay remembers she's on a boat the Marky had intended to bomb.

Lindsay: (BLEEP)

Marky Bark: You gotta get off the boat!

Narrator: And it turns out to be kind of romantic...

Tobias's suitcase blows up aboard his and Marky's boat.

Marauder: Bomb!

Partier on Love Boat: Woohoo!

Narrator: ...that Lindsay and Tobias have matching suitcases.