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Transcript of Red Hairing

Transcript of "Red Hairing"
Written by: Caroline Williams] & Richard Rosenstock

Season Four, Episode Eight

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Woon Young Park as Marauder
Chris Diamantopoulos as Marky Bark
Terry Crews as Herbert Love
Kristen Wiig as Young Lucille Bluth
Rich Aliaändanost as Shaman Sheman
Isla Fisher as Rebel Alley
Christine Taylor as Sally Sitwell
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Debra Mooney as Joan Bark
Bob Glouberman as David
Justin Lee as Annyong Bluth
Jess Rowland as Derrin the guard
Jill Donnelly as Ealing Club hostess
Elise Robertson as Scarlet Letterman
Aimee Shyn as Reveler


The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Red Hairing". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Red Hairing" was written by Caroline Williams & Richard Rosenstock.

Act 1[]

Ostrich farm

Narrator: Even though it was only 100 miles from her home town of Newport Beach, the desert created a whole new value system for Lindsay Bluth.

Lindsay: I'd give $20,000 for a lemonade right now.

Narrator: For the most part. It was here that she'd moved with her activist boyfriend...

Joan Bark: Marky! Mommy needs mescaline.

Narrator: ...and his mother.

Marky Bark: It's in the fake rock!

Joan Bark: And tell your girlfriend DeBrie to shovel that ostrich crap!

Lindsay: It's not DeBrie, Ma Bark, it's Lindsay. I just cut off my hair.

Joan Bark: I know who you are. Now start shoveling. God, you're lazier than Lindsay.

Lindsay: (gasps) Marky, hurry! There's another dead iguana.

Marky Bark: Oh.

Lindsay: What does this mean?

Marky Bark: It's probably those bastards next door.

Narrator: The bastards next door were actually a gathered group of CEOs...

George, Sr.: Come on, Daniels! You ran Bear Stearns, for God's sake!

Narrator: ...who were attending a mid-summer sweat and squeeze.

Marky Bark: They want us off their land. Probably so they can build a border wall. They just want to separate the whites from the browns.

Lindsay: You really are colorblind.

Marky Bark: Face-blind. Fortunately, I can see color. That's how I can tell the browns are Mexicans. Anyway, I thought I scared those bastards off by scaring their leader.

Marky as Divine Spirit: The strong will become the weak, the weak will become the strong.

Marky Bark: But I think I overdid it first on the maca, because I ended up seeing two of him. But to kill an innocent iguana, this beautiful creature of the desert- Agh! Lizard bastard, it bit me!

Lindsay: God, who keeps numbing these desert animals?

Marky Bark: No, no, no, we'll kill it later. Mom, lizard bite! Mom, mom, mom-

Joan Bark: Put some rubbing mescaline on it.

Narrator: Lindsay hated her new life...

Marky Bark: You don't care, you don't care about anything.

Narrator: ...but even more, she hated herself for hating her new life.

Lindsay: Marky, I just don't know how much of this I can take. I'm surrounded by squalor and death, and I still can't be happy.

Marky Bark: Yeah, well, it's only going to get worse, 'cause they're chasing us off the land. I mean, where are we gonna go?

Joan Bark: Hey, new girl! I just heard about your mother's trial. She was sent away.

Narrator: Lindsay had missed her own mother's trial, and for that, she'd never be able to forgive hers-

Lindsay: Hey, I know of a place that just opened up.

Narrator: -herself.

Act 2[]

Marky Bark: That's great.

Narrator: Lindsay wanted to move to her mother's empty penthouse...

Marky Bark: You dropped your shovel.

Narrator: ...but Marky wouldn't think of leaving the old bird behind.

Cut to: Balboa Towers

Ostrich rounds the corner.

Narrator: So it was a party of three that had to sneak into the Balboa Towers. Although Marky was having trouble accepting what appeared to be a lavish lifestyle.

Lindsay: What do you think?

Marky Bark: Ugh. Smells weird in here. What is that?

Lindsay: I think it's just... not urine. And, we're not moving in, we're... occupying a space with central air.

Ostrich squawks.

Marky Bark: Cindy? You okay? Ha, look, Lindsay, Cindy already marked the master. Okay. This'll be where she goes.

Lindsay: So, we're staying. And we'll change the world and hold our heads high. And it might be nice to live like normal people for a change.

Marky Bark: Let's put some newspaper on these windows.

Caption: one year later...

Narrator: One year later, however, the only thing they'd actually changed was getting the "not urine" smell out of the penthouse.

Marky is alarmed as Lindsay enters.

Lindsay: You're looking at Lindsay. Still Lindsay.

Marky Bark: Oh. Hey, Linds. How was beg?

Lindsay: Beg was good. I found some, uh, tres leches cake.

Marky Bark: That's great.

Lindsay: Hey, did you clean up?

Marky Bark: No, no, no, I just cleared out a space to work on the Love bomb.

Lindsay: Oh, okay, I'll, uh, change out of these filthy clothes and into some filthy lingerie. I don't think I washed it.

Marky Bark: No! I meant what we're gonna do to this guy, Herbert Love.

Lindsay: Oh.

Narrator: Herbert Love was a very conservative candidate for a very conservative seat in the very conservative House of Representatives.

Herbert Love: (on video) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, all right, look, look, look. Am I guilty of anything? Yes. Of having a great sense of humor. But the two women who accused me of this crime do not have a great sense of humor. Look, in fact, I'll tell you the joke and let you be the judge...

Narrator: Although he was prone to the more than occasional harassment scandal.

Herbert Love: See, I invited one to sit on my lap- (David whispers in his ear) I forgot the joke.

Marky Bark: Oh, he's about to be harassed, all right. I'm gonna spray the bastards with ink and glitter! It'll be in their ears for weeks. Thing is, I can't find the glitter anywhere. Did you take the silver glitter?

Lindsay: Nope. I mean, I'd say check the junk drawer, but I can't differentiate anymore. (sees Marky's diagram)) Oh, God, what is this?

Marky Bark: Oh, okay, good, perfect timing, because this is where you come in. A lot of this has to do with ink compression, oxygen capacity, expulsion pressure... but the point is, three days before the event, I'm gonna take the explosive and hide in the podium. On the night of the vent, at exactly 7:30, I'm gonna pull the pin to the tank. Then you're gonna knock on the podium door to let me know that the coast is clear. When Love steps up to the podium at exactly 8:00... Blam! The podium doors burst open, and he and everyone will be...

Lindsay: Blue in the face, yeah.

Marky Bark: That's better than what I had, actually. I was gonna say they'd be covered in... ink and glitter.

Lindsay: Or, we can support Lucille 2, who he's running against. She's right across the hall!

Marky Bark: No, no! She's part of the problem! Wait, you haven't been going over there, by the way? No one can know we're here.

Lindsay: Of course not. Does it look like I'm lying?

Narrator: It did. But not to a man with face-blindness.

Marky Bark: Yeah, no, I guess not.

Narrator: Because Lindsay could only spend so many hours with a shrill, feathered creature...

Cut to: Lucille 2's penthouse

Caption: eight minutes earlier...

Lucille 2: You look marvelous in that! Look.

Lindsay: God, I can't believe how much I've missed the feel of anything that isn't hemp.

Lucille 2: And try this on. (holds out red wig) Isn't that funny? I used to wear that with the Captain. And I was...

Lindsay: Tennille?

Lucille 2: And not make eye contact, yes! Oh, what am I gonna do, cut it down for my foster child?

Narrator: That is what she wanted to do, until he threatened to call Social Services.

Lindsay: Oh - look what I made you.

Banner: "I'm for LUCILLE 2 4 CONGRES"

Lucille 2: Oh! I love it! It's glittery - like me!

Narrator: Lindsay was no stranger to making campaign posters...

Caption: 1982

Narrator: ...having made several in her seventh grade class president campaign against Sally Sitwell.

Banner: "VOTE LINDSAY BLUTH FOR Class President RICH ♥ PRETTY ♥ THIN ♥ (Sally Sitwell's not even that hot)"

Narrator: Sally ultimately proved successful with a more fact-based campaign.

Banner: "SALLY SITWELL for *PRESIDENT* I won't leave for two months and come back with a new nose like Lindsay did."

Lucille 2: A couple of tiny notes, hon. There are two S's in "congress." And I just call myself Luc-

Lindsay: Lucille 1. I'm so sorry.

Lucille 2: No, just Lucille. But I love it! Oh, I wish you'd officially work for my campaign. We could make such a difference.

Lindsay: Well, Marky says that's not the way we should make change. Oh, speaking of, do you mind if I go through your couch cushions?

Lucille 2: Oh, honey, I wish you'd take the rest of this tres leches cake. It's from a dear Hispanic supporter, and I'll never get it into the bay in one piece.

Lindsay: Honestly, Lucille 2, you've been like a mother to me.

Lucille 2: Ah, mm-hmm.

Lindsay: Except kind and loving and willing to let me eat. It just blows me away.

Narrator: Lindsay knew she had to keep her secret life of luxury hidden...

Lindsay changes clothes and reenters the penthouse.

Lindsay: You're looking at Lindsay. Still Lindsay.

Caption: moments later...

Narrator: ...from a boyfriend that was preparing to squat in a podium for three days with a paint bomb.

Marky Bark: Yeah.

Lindsay: But, Marky, I mean, won't you go crazy in there?

Marky Bark: Oh, no, that's nothing. I once did a week and a half in an oil drum just to throw a pie at Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Lindsay: I never heard about that.

Marky Bark: Oh, yeah, well, the press tried to spin it as, "Hippie tries to play pie-tin Frisbee with the governor," but, this time, I'm eating beforehand. (licks cake off framed photo)

Lindsay: Yeah, I, I see that. Hey, can I get you a fork? 'Cause that's my brother whose face you're licking.

Marky Bark: That's a face? Everything I do is wrong. I knew you wouldn't be on board with this, Lindsay. I'm sorry to say this, but you are losing your passion.

Lindsay: What passion?

Marky Bark: Oh.

Lindsay: You don't even look at me! I don't even know if I've said this before, it's not important or anything, but I'm really, really pretty.

Marky Bark: I'm the straightest guy you know!

Lindsay: Why does every man feel like they have to say that to me?

Marky Bark: What? Quiet! Cindy's in heat! You know how much she hates it when we argue. Now, listen to me. This protest of mine can really make a difference. It will-

Lindsay: Yeah, it's gonna land you in jail, Marky.

Marky Bark: Oh, there it is. Oh, yeah, so that's... Oh, yeah.

Lindsay: I don't, I just- Oh, God.

Marky Bark: (leaving) You know what, you are just as selfish and money-hungry as you ever were. Yes, you are.

Lindsay: That's not true. Ooh, a Neiman's catalog.

Narrator: But it was what she found stuck inside the catalog that got her attention. And that's when she found the motherlode.

Check made out for $50,000 to Maeby, from "GANGIE 4: FACELIFT"

Lindsay: (reading check) "From Gangie for facelift." What a load of... Mother!

Narrator: And this time, she did make a court appearance.

Cut to: prison tennis court

Lucille: Cheryl, you've got no backhand! I'm working the whole court, and you keep hitting the balls (BLEEP) high. Oh, great. Looks like we've got another high-end hooker in here.

Lindsay: Oh, thank you, mother.

Lucille: So, let's cut to the chase.

Lindsay: I want to talk to you about a check for plastic surgery.

Lucille: I already wrote you a check for that.

Narrator: Lucille had, back when Lindsay thought she was only twelve years old.

Caption: 1982

Young Lucille: New nose.

Narrator: Worrying it would hurt her daughter's feelings...

Young Lucille: Put a "Y" on there.

Narrator: ...she put a fun spin on it.

Young Lucille: "Nosey."

Lucille: And you should be thanking me for that. You looked like a can opener.

Lindsay: No, a check for my daughter. She's gorgeous. And I love her just the way she is.

Lucille: When was the last time you saw her?

Lindsay: She's been living with her father the past year, and it's been... really hard.

Lucille: I'll be out on parole by the time you work up a tear. What makes you think I wrote a check to your daughter, nosy?

Lindsay: It came to the penthouse.

Lucille: Well, well. Little Miss Lives Off the Land is living in my penthouse.

Lindsay: Okay, so you figured it out, Gene Parmesan.

Lucille: Just goes to show, the apple does not far from the tree fall.

Lindsay: I am like you nothing. You're not even my real mother. I am a political activist.

Lindsay: Oh, you're a lot more like me than you know, sister. Except I can back up my bad choices. I'm doing hard time.

Guard: Your 3pm hot rock massage is open.

Lucille: Thanks for coming, sweetheart.

Lindsay: Mmm.

Narrator: But Lindsay wanted to prove that she wasn't like her so-called mother. And that's why she did this.

Grabs glitter on her way out.

Cut to: penthouse

Lindsay: I'm in. Let's bomb the bastard. ...It's Lindsay.

Marky Bark: Oh. Yes! Yeah!

Act 3[]

Narrator: Lindsay and her boyfriend Marky arrived in, get this, Beverly Hills, to prepare for their act of glittery social protest. But Lindsay was having second thoughts.

Lindsay: Um, Marky, look, um... I have this check that my mother wrote for my daughter. It can buy us a lot of leaflets against Love. And also a lot of Nature's Miracle. There's a huge sale going on right now at Petco...

Marky Bark: No, never! Rip it up! No money. And don't worry, I've thought of everything.

Narrator: He had.

Marky pulls out the bomb disguised as golf bag.

Marky Bark: Except for someone to watch Cindy. Oh, but she's locked in. What's the worst that can happen?

Brief cutaway to Lucille 2 being attacked by Cindy

Lindsay: Good luck.

Marky Bark: Ah! What a great day to step out onto an over-irrigated gold course and play a game that wastes vast acres of usable and farmable land.

Narrator: And after a few nights in the trailer, Lindsay showed up in Lucille 2's Tennille wig, to be ready to release Marky from the podium at the appointed time, and then stroll out together in disguise.

Cut to: Marky's diagram

Narrator: I think that's what this part refers to, back when the disguise was going to be a two-part horse costume.

Cut to: Love rally

Narrator: But soon she ran into a father she hadn't seen in over a year.

Lindsay: ...supporting this right-wing dangerous crackpot.

George, Sr.: Lindsay! I forgot, you dyed your hair. D'you have any money?

Narrator: And that's how Lindsay parted with the check for Maeby that Marky had told her to rip up. And it was then she ran into a daughter...

Lindsay: Maeby!

Narrator: ...whose $50,000 check she'd just given away...

Maeby: Mom!

Narrator: ...stealing some coconut shrimp.

Maeby: Of course you're here. I should have known you'd be supporting this right-wing dangerous crackpot.

Lindsay: No, no. I am here undercover with my boyfriend. We are gonna take down Love with a random act of senseless non-violence.

Narrator: Maeby felt a foreign feeling.

Maeby: Wow. I actually respect that.

Lindsay: Thank you, Maeby.

Narrator: Which is why, for the first time in her adult life...

Lindsay: So... what are you doing here?

Narrator: ...Maeby was totally honest with her mother.

Maeby: I'm getting a lifetime achievement award for my work in the entertainment business.

Lindsay: I tried. Tell your therapist I tried.

Narrator: But realizing she was still too early to let Marky out of the podium, Lindsay headed to the bar.

Lindsay pours alcohol into her bag.

Narrator: And that's when she met the man she was there to sabotage.

Herbert Love: Is it just me, or are we the only two people who don't fit in with all these Orange County phonies?

Narrator: And had no idea who he was.

Lindsay: They are a bunch of phonies. I usually don't even go to these things.

Narrator: And perhaps it was because he reminded her so much of Tobias when they first started dating that Lindsay flirted back.

Herbert Love: What's your name, princess?

Lindsay: Cindy... Feather...bottom.

Herbert Love: Of the Laguna Beach Featherbottoms?

Lindsay: Are you trying to find out where I live?

Herbert Love: And your favorite kind of jewelry.

Narrator: Lindsay hadn't heard the word "jewelry" in a long time, but tried to stay strong.

Lindsay: How do I know you're not one of these phonies?

Herbert Love: The only phony I'm interested in is your phony number.

Narrator: And like Cinderella at the ball, Lindsay really felt like a princess for a change.

Lindsay: Okay. It's uh, 713...

Narrator: But also like Cinderella, she lost track of the time.

Explosion and shattering glass.

Narrator: And had forgotten to release Marky from the podium.

Marky stumbles out covered in blue glitter.

Marky Bark: My release didn't work.

Narrator: And that's when she was struck by an eerie sense of deja vu.

David: (to Love) Right this way, sir. Right this way.

Marky Bark: Lindsay?

Marky is escorted out covered in blue glitter.

Lindsay: Oh God, he blue himself.

Act 4[]

Narrator: Lindsay's attempt to create a disaster for Herbert Love was a complete disaster, and as she tried to slip away without drawing attention to herself, she was once again approached by the man whose name she never got.

Herbert Love: Cindy Featherbottom. Here's my private number. Give me a call. Perhaps we can engage in some sexual congress.

Narrator: But that's a total giveaway, right?

Lindsay: What a wonderful sense of humor. I'd like that very much.

David: Sir, the press awaits.

Herbert Love: Now, I don't know what...

Maeby: I thought you were supposed to be sticking it to the man, not the other way around.

Lindsay: Maeby! ...You think he likes me that way?

Maeby: No, Mom, that's Herbert Love, the man you're here to protest.

Herbert Love: And I hear the guy with the bomb snuck up here from Mexico. That's why I say, we have got to build a wall between us and Mexico.

Lindsay: Oh, no.

Maeby: How could you not recognize him?

Narrator: In fairness to Lindsay, it was Marky's face-blindness that led him to mistake this photo for the candidate. Why Lindsay failed to recognize musical icon Nat King Cole cannot be explained.

Lindsay: But he's so modern-looking. I mean, obviously I didn't know it was the man whose politics I'm here to protest. I guess I was just having fun pretending I had my old life back. Well, we'll just be friends, and I'm gonna keep it light and fun with him and not talk politics at all.

Maeby: I can't believe you're such a sellout. Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that?

Lindsay: I am not a whore.

Maeby: Yeah, you're a whore.

Lindsay: I am not a whore! Look, I am still committed to my ideals and to my Marky.

Marky Bark: Lindsay!

Maeby: Well, you certainly have a type.

Marky Bark: Lindsay? Have you seen a woman named Lindsay? If you see a woman named Lindsay, tell her to bail me out.

Lindsay: (hoarse voice) I'll do my best, sir.

Marky Bark: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lindsay: (hoarse voice) Taxi!

Marky Bark: Tell Lindsay to feed Cindy. She thinks she's...

Lindsay: Taxi!

Narrator: Lindsay was as blue as one of her men when she returned to the penthouse.

Eviction notice on penthouse door.

Narrator: And that's when she decided to get half in the bag.

Lindsay drinks alcohol from her bag through a straw.

Narrator: But even though she felt bad, she was at least able to turn a man's head.

Michael passes Lindsay without seeing her face.

Michael: Gentlemen, start your engines.

Narrator: Although perhaps had his head had not turned...

Michael enters the penthouse.

Michael: Buster.

Narrator: ...he would have seen the ostrich warning on the door.

Michael: No, G.O.B.

Narrator: After another night in the trailer, Lindsay went to the model home to give a daughter who called her a whore a piece of her mind.

Lindsay: Hi, sweetie.

Maeby: Hey! Hi.

Narrator: Of course, she needed a place to stay, so she couldn't just jump right in.

Lindsay: I thought I'd surprise you with a visit.

Maeby: Yeah, well, the bags are certainly a surprise. You're not thinking of moving in, are you?

Lindsay: What? No.

Maeby: Yeah, because I don't think Dad would be cool with it.

Lindsay: No, of course not. Is he in?

Maeby: No.

Lindsay: Oh, what happened there?

She points at the broken patio door.

Maeby: Kids, or people who... like kids. So, where's Marky?

Lindsay: Oh, God, Marky will be in jail for quite a while.

Narrator: She actually had just come from visiting him.

Cut to: jail

Marky Bark: So it, uh, turns out the glitter was shrapnel grade.

Lindsay: Oh.

Marky Bark: They're upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism. This is where you letting me out of the podium would have really helped.

Lindsay: Why didn't you just come out?

Marky Bark: I couldn't do it, someone locked me in.

Narrator: In fact, it was G.O.B., thinking he was trapping the magician Tony Wonder into one of his illusions.

G.O.B.: Hey, Mark, you guys want to see a real failed magician? You might want to get down to the Opies tonight. It's going to be hysterical.

Marky Bark: I need you to bail me out, Lindsay. I need you to use that check.

Lindsay: Oh, I, I don't have that check anymore.

Marky Bark: What?

Lindsay: You told me to rip it up. I thought you said you didn't believe in money.

Marky Bark: I didn't, until I realized what it could keep me from. Jail's a lot like Swappigan's, except there's only one thing to swap. It's scary.

Guard: Anus tart.

Tobias: Yep, that's me.

Marky Bark: Oh, God, that could have been me. Lindsay, listen to me, I'm scared. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Guard: No touching!

Cut to: model home

Lindsay: Actually, it's kind of nice to have a little me time.

Maeby: Oh, of course, that's why you were giving Herbert Love a little you time last night. You were flirting with him to get Marky out of jail.

Lindsay: Well, yeah, that is what I should have been do... What I did, yeah, yeah. That exactly what I should have and did do.

Maeby: And it's not... that bad an idea, actually. You could get him to do anything 'cause he's probably just one of those shallow guys who's only interested in looks.

Lindsay: I miss that. Missed that. Yeah, you know, maybe it would be a good idea if I got in touch with him. I mean, he did give me his card. Oh, I could never call him.

Maeby: I could call him for you. And I'll tell him... it has to be tonight.

Lindsay: Well, the sooner the better.

Maeby: Got to get Marky out of jail

Lindsay: That's why the sooner the better.

Narrator: So Maeby arranged for a meeting that evening at Hollywood's exclusive Ealing Club between Herbert Love and Cindy Featherbottom.

Herbert Love: I like this place. No cameras, no phones, everyone's cool.

Lindsay: Well, thank you for being willing to meet.

Herbert Love: Meet, greet. Sure are sweet. What a treat. What did the lamb say?

Lindsay: Baa?

Herbert Love: Bleat!

Lindsay: Oh. Yes, of course. I was just wondering, is anything really bad going to happen to that blue guy from the rally? Do you want to press charges?

Herbert Love: Who can think of Little Boy Blue when I've got this beautiful face in front of me?

Lindsay: Oh, thanks! Haven't heard that in a long time.

Herbert Love: Your cheekbones are even higher than my approval rating.

Lindsay: Your brain can register my cheekbones?

Herbert Love: I'll register 'em to vote. Your lips are like a Murphy bed. They don't take up much space, but they are there when you need 'em.

Lindsay: Okay, you are a poet. You're wonderful. But, um, yeah, I, I do want to talk to you about a couple of issues.

Herbert Love: Can we just have one night where we don't talk about politics?

Lindsay: Yes, yes, just one night. We deserve it.

Herbert Love: Let's get a room.

Lindsay: Yes! No. What? Uh, I... Okay. We can... talk in a room, I guess.

Narrator: And later, down in the lobby, as Herbert went off to do some business...

Caption: ten minutes later...

Herbert Love: You hang tight. I'm gonna meet with some of my, uh, "constititutes".

Narrator: ...Lindsay ran into her brother Michael.

Herbert Love: High-low.

Lindsay: Michael.

Michael: Hi.

Lindsay: How are you?

Michael: I'm good, good. I almost didn't recognize you.

Lindsay: It's my hair.

Michael: That's some of it, but it's also you're with a guy that pretty much represents everything you pretend to hate. Was that Herbert Love?

Lindsay: Great, now I remember when we fell out of touch.

Michael: No, no, no, Lindsay, I'm kidding, kidding, kidding. I'm so sorry. I'm sure that you're having a great influence on him, you know.

Lindsay: Thanks.

Michael: But if you really want to blow him... away... you know the wall issue that everyone is talking about? The wall between Mexico and the U.S.?

Lindsay: Tell him to take it down?

Michael: Or just not to put it up. No wall yet.

Lindsay: Oh, no, there's no... I knew that, yeah.

Michael: If you could get him against the wall, Lindsay...

Lindsay: Well, I had no idea you were this socially conscious.

Narrator: He wasn't. I fact, he was just using her Love connection to make good on a deal he'd struck to get his father's movie rights.

Cut to: bench outside Orange County Imagine

George, Sr.: Can you help me, then, with Love?

Michael: Of course I will. ...If you do something for me.

George, Sr.: Mm-hmm.

Michael: I would like to use your membership of the Balboa Club. The girl I've been telling you about, she likes nice things, and if everything goes well tonight, I think I may want to take her out for a nice dinner.

George, Sr.: You really like this girl?

Michael: She's Tracey.

George, Sr.: Fat Tracey or thin Tracey at the end?

Michael: I think just on this you owe me the membership.

George, Sr.: You know, we're kind of maxed out at the club, but, uh, if you show them my card, I'm sure they won't turn you away at the door.

Michael: You'd do this for me?

George, Sr.: I will if you...

Cut to: Ealing club

Lindsay: Yeah, sure, fine.

Michael: Yeah?

Lindsay: Yeah, I'll talk to him about the wall.

Michael: Good.

Lindsay: I mean, I want to change politics.

Michael: Great.

Lindsay: What's in it for me?

Michael: So not completely change them? What do you want?

Lindsay: Well, actually, I want you talk to that warden guy about getting my boyfriend out 'cause I really don't think Herbert's gonna help with that.

Michael: Well, I have a script notes call with him on Tuesday. Yeah, I'll talk to Warden Gentles.

Lindsay: Great, thank you.

Michael: This is good. Of course.

Lindsay: I'm glad we ran into each other.

Michael: If... you do something for me. I'm making this movie, and I need everybody's rights. If you could talk to Tobias...

Narrator: And that's how Lindsay agreed to give Michael her rights for his movie.

Lindsay: I'll do it. I'll do it.

Michael: Great.

Lindsay: Thanks.

Michael: That's it.

Narrator: But it shouldn't have been, because he should have asked for help getting into a club he was about to discover was members only.

Michael: This is a membership place, huh?

Scarlet: It is, members only.

Michael: Yeah, I'm meeting my son up there. Maybe he's already up there. Could you maybe page him up there?

Scarlet: I'm not getting any response.

Narrator: And when the page proved fruitless...

Scarlet: Would you like to have a seat and wait?

Michael: You're gonna make me look like a big shot in front of my son. Thank you.

Narrator: ...Michael decided to head George Michael off before he could get to the club's lobby with a small lie.

Michael: Hey, buddy, it's Dad. Um, I am having real trouble getting up there. Uh, this traffic is un-believable.

Narrator: Which led to a slightly bigger lie.

Michael: We got a light aircraft right in the middle of the freeway. You know?

Narrator: And then some effort to make it foolproof.

Michael: Um, and, uh, the kicker is that there's no news crew. I mean, I guess they can't get in either, 'cause of the traffic. So no one's going to be able to see this.

Narrator: But perhaps, had Michael not have lied...

Michael: Um, I really hope you get this. All right, bye.

Caption: moments later...

Narrator: he wouldn't have felt suspicious when, moments later, he received a return call from his son...

George Michael: You know what? I bet we're sitting in the exact same traffic. This is a mess.

Narrator: ...canceling the get-together entirely.

George Michael: But, you know, we can just do this another time. Oh, God, they're forcing us off. Oh, they're closing the lanes.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in Herbert's hotel room, Lindsay was worried she was too quickly abandoning her principles.

Lindsay and Love kissing against a wall.

Lindsay: Wait... I can't do this unless you promise to be against the wall.

Herbert Love: What the hell! (swaps their positions) It's better for my back anyway.

Lindsay: Thank you.

Caption: much later...

Lindsay: That was so... not quick.

Herbert Love: Well, I paid for six hours. I want to get my money's worth.

Lindsay: Imagine what would have happened if you had the room for the whole night.

Herbert Love: Oh, I got it for the whole month.

Lindsay: You crack me up. God, can you believe this is happening? I mean, we're such opposites and yet we're so in sync. It's like we finish each other's...

Herbert Love: Sandwiches? What's the point of raising funds if I'm eating sandwiches?

Lindsay: Mmm.

Herbert Love: I got something for you.

Lindsay: Oh - really?

Love produces a jewelry box.

Narrator: And perhaps it was the heart that made her wonder if Herbert was the love the Four Seasons shaman spoke of.

Shaman: You are living a life without love. When love is near your heart, you'll be happy.

Herbert Love: This way you'll always have a little Love near your heart.

Indian singer "Coincidence?"

Love snaps the jewelry box on her fingers.

Lindsay: Ow! Jesus Christ!

Herbert Love: Oh! I'm sorry.

Lindsay: Why would you do that?

Herbert Love: I thought it was cute, I saw it in a movie, okay?

Lindsay: Okay, great, thank you. Oh, I feel so special.

Herbert Love: You are special.

Narrator: Lindsay wasn't special, but he'd gotten the necklaces on special.

Lindsay: So... when can I see you again?

Herbert Love: The only way we can see each other is if you work for my campaign. You are gonna be my key advisor.

Narrator: She would be enacting social change after all.

Lindsay: I would like that very much.

Cut to: front desk

Herbert Love: She's gonna need a key to my room... and I'd advise you to use it when I call you.

Act 5[]

Balboa Club

Narrator: Since Herbert couldn't officially spend money on Lindsay, and Lindsay hadn't told Herbert who she really was...

Lindsay: Uh, why don't you go make the rounds and I'll get us checked in.

Narrator: ...Lindsay had to pay for dinner the way she always had...

Lindsay: Bluth - I made a reservation?

Narrator: secretly putting it on her family's tab.

Herbert Love: Hey, hey, hello, pleased to meet you.

Hostess: Oh, I'm sorry, the Bluths have been seated.

Narrator: But she wasn't the only Bluth pretending to be something they weren't that night.

Lindsay: Who's the cheap redhead? (approaches Michael's table) Well, hello!

Michael: Hello, indeed! Look at you. (whispering as they hug) What are you doing here?

Lindsay: I need the membership. I'm taking my boss out to dinner.

Michael: It's too late. I already made a deal with Dad for it. This is why I had to ask you for the in with Herbert Love.

Lindsay: Exactly, and that's why you are leaving and I'm going to stay, because I'm the one who did the favor. I got Love against the wall. Plus I've got to impress him. He's making me part of his campaign. (stepping away) I'm sorry, there seems to have been a mix-up.

Michael: A merry one. A merry one. (hugs her again)

Lindsay: Oh!

Michael: (whispering) I already paid you back for the favor when I talked to the warden about getting Marky out of prison.

Lindsay: Oh, God, not now. When?

Michael: I don't know, but listen. I haven't been on a date in a very, very long time, and she's already going out with Ron Howard, so I need to impress her.

Narrator: Actually, it was Ron's daughter, but Michael still didn't know that.

Michael: (stepping away) Great to see you, and you look so good!

Lindsay: And so do you! (hugs him again) I do hate the campaign, okay, but I'm changing him. I'm his key adviser.

Narrator: Although without an office, she was forced to advise him in the back of his limo. And soon she was advising him all over town.

Lindsay: And he respects me for it. He respects me for who I am.

Michael: So does mine. Listen, we'll share it, okay? Got it? Great.

Lindsay: Oh, my name is Cindy Featherbottom.

Michael: Oh, and, I, I, I used to be a real estate tycoon, now I'm an impressive producer. Got it?

Lindsay: Got it.

Michael: Eat light. (they part) This is my date. This is Rebel Alley.

Lindsay: Oh, and my boss, Herbert Love.

Herbert Love: High-low.

Rebel Alley: High-low. Just like your plan to hurt the poor.

Lindsay: I thought that was about neglecting the poor.

Herbert Love: I guess the special tonight is red snapper.

Rebel Alley: How do you know this... woman?

Lindsay: Huh.

Michael: Uh, she is... Um...

They rise and hug again.

Michael: I just, I mean...

Lindsay: Look at you!

Michael: (whispering) High school.

Lindsay: Brother and sister!

Michael: We can't be brother-sister, she knows about the family. (they part) We don't.

Lindsay: Just met.

Michael: Yeah, so- but let's eat. Good!

Narrator: And that's how Lindsay found herself on a very awkward double date with her brother.

Lindsay: Is everybody's food as delicious as my side salad?

Narrator: And a couple of glasses of white wine in, Rebel started to espouse her liberal agenda.

Michael: Are you not enjoying your lobster?

Rebel Alley: It's just a little hard to sit two feet away from someone who doesn't believe in paying for a woman's contraception.

Lindsay: Well, to be fair, no, he does pay for the room.

Herbert Love: Is there anything better than the great American scallop?

Rebel Alley: Look how he changes the subject. Aren't you glad your teenager's not here to see this?

Lindsay: You have a teenager?

Michael: (with mouth full) I'm a movie produ- Movie producer. Producing a movie right now. Rebel's in it for Imagine Entertainment.

Herbert Love: Oh! Is that Ron Howard's company?

Rebel Alley: Yes.

Michael: Uh, yeah.

Herbert Love: I don't want to be the one to say it, but I hate that guy. He's just another Hollywood liberal bigshot.

Michael: Mmm, there are a lot of those Ron Howards out there that do abuse their power, but I will tell you, sir, that I do not do that.

Lindsay: Well, don't you have to have power to abuse the power?

Rebel Alley: Um, I am not going to sit here and defend Ron Howard to someone who's never achieved half of what he's achieved.

Michael: Are you saying that to him or to me?

Herbert Love: I forgot how touchy these Hollywood people can be.

Michael: Oh, I'm not. I'm not. Are you saying that I am? Maybe Ron Howard is, but I, I mean, I don't know. But I'm not. And I am also not (cell phone rings) one of those Beverly Hills billionaires who can't go two minutes without putting his phone to his- I got to take this. Hold on one second. Hello?

Michael leaves the table.

Michael: Hey, George Michael. Are you stuck in traffic, pal?

George Michael: No, I just feel terrible that we couldn't get together the other night, and, uh, I miss you, you know, but I'm free all night if you wanted to...

Michael: W- Listen, I, I, I, I'm in the middle of a, of a film meeting...

Narrator: But Michael was still stinging over his son not making it to the Ealing Club...

Michael: ...politics involved, and I just... I can't get away this time, you know. Maybe, uh, we could, we could do it another time.

Narrator: ...even though Michael had lied to him about it first.

Michael: I do need to talk to you, you know, just, I'm a super busy guy. So...

Cut to: table

Rebel Alley: I can't believe that a woman would support this guy. He's a misogynist.

Narrator: And Lindsay found herself torn...

Rebel Alley: And I assume by being with him, you just parrot his values.

Narrator: ...between who she was with...

Lindsay: N- I don't appreciate you saying that, okay? I have my own values, Rebel, and believe it or not, they're closer to yours than you think.

Narrator: ...and who she wanted to be.

Lindsay: 'Cause I do appreciate you saying that.

Rebel Alley: But what do I know? I'm just some shallow Hollywood... (cell phone rings) Oh, God, I've got to get this. It could be my agent. Hello?

Herbert Love: Now, that is one redhead I do not want to have sexual relations with.

Lindsay: Well...

Herbert Love: So, are we having dessert?

Lindsay: No.

Michael: No, uh-uh.

Herbert Love: Well, I don't want to be the one to say it, but if we are not going to have dessert, then I think I am going to leave.

Lindsay: Oh, no. But we're going to discuss those new positions tonight. Wasn't that the plan?

Herbert Love: I think the best position for me to be in tonight is with my wife, (loudly) and tomorrow I'm taking my wife and children to see the beautiful American ocean.

Act 6[]

Lindsay leaves the club.

Narrator: Lindsay was trying to figure out who she was when she ran into a man who couldn't tell either.

Lindsay: Marky?

Marky Bark: Lindsay? Oh, Lindsay!

Lindsay: Marky.

Marky Bark: I did it. I beat the system. I got out my way.

Lindsay: I thought my brother asked Warden Gentles to get you out.

Marky Bark: No, I mean from the dumpster. You wouldn't believe the scallops they're throwing away here, but I got out of that dumpster my way. I've really missed you.

Lindsay: Yeah, I missed you too. I feel like I really lost my way for a while.

Marky Bark: Me, too. It's almost like maybe we shouldn't skip town after this next one.

Lindsay: Next one? Another paint bomb?

Marky Bark: No, a real one. On Cinco de Cuatro, Love's boat is going to...

Lindsay: Sink-o.

Marky Bark: ...go into the w- Yes, sink-o. See, the Coast Guard's going to be busy that night, so after it's done, we slip away and make our way down to Mexico and reunite with Mom. I just have to find a boat that won't get chorizo caught in the propeller.

Narrator: Lindsay was torn. Her head was with Marky, but it was Love who was close to her heart. So the next night at Cinco, she felt she had no choice but to betray one to protect the other.

Lindsay: Herbert! Hi, uh, listen, I'm here undercover because I have some inside information that you really need to know about.

Narrator: But as it turned out, Herbert had some undercover information for her, too.

Herbert Love: I've got some undercover information for you, too. I cannot be under the covers with you anymore. It's over between us. My wife found out, and I told her that there was nothing emotional, that you were just a prostitute.

Lindsay: I'm not a prostitute.

Herbert Love: Oh, I know, I know. The point is, we are through. Here's a little severance package for servicing my package.

Narrator: Lindsay tried to throw the money in his face, but she didn't have the muscle memory for it.

David: She's keeping it.

Herbert Love: Oh, good. And don't forget to vote.

Lindsay: This isn't over. I'm not some taco you can throw into the bay.

Narrator: Lindsay wanted to get back at Love...

Lindsay: (still trying to throw money) Why can't I do this?

Narrator: ...but not by blowing him up and heading to Mexico to be with Marky's awful mother. And that's when she ran into her own awful mother.

Lindsay: Mom! What are you doing here?

Lucille: Lindsay. I thought you were a hooker. Again.

Lindsay: It's a wig. No one recognizes me.

Lucille: Oh, I recognized you. Let me rephrase that more kindly. I hear you're hooking now. With Herbert Love.

Lindsay: It's called hooking up. And yeah, I got a little sidetracked, but I know who I am now. I'm back to being severely liberal.

Lucille: Well, like I said, the one time you were nice enough to visit me, you are who you are. A blonde, WASP-y Orange County princess who doesn't care about anything but herself, and that's okay!

Lindsay: Ah, sarcasm.

Lucille: No. I'm a Bluth, and so are you.

Lindsay: You really know how to twist the knife. But you are right about one thing.

Narrator: Lindsay was done pretending to be red.

Lindsay: (pulling off wig) I don't need this anymore.

Narrator: And she decided the best way to get back at her mother and Herbert Love was by working for their mutual rival.

Lindsay: Lucille 2! I've got great news. I'm finally available to become your campaign manager.

Lucille 2: Oh, that's lovely, dear. But I found someone more qualified than you.

Sally Sitwell: Hello, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Sally.

Narrator: It was Sally Sitwell, a woman who'd long been Lindsay's rival.

Sally Sitwell: It's been a while.

Lindsay: Mmm. How is she more qualified than me?

Lucille 2: She has integrity, and look at this hair. Look at this beautiful long hair.

Lindsay: I made you a banner. Look, I can really help this campaign.

Lucille 2: You already have, more than you know. Now, give her a little show and tell.

Sally Sitwell: Mmm.

Lindsay: Show and tell?

Sally Sitwell: Oh, she just means these photos. Of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he's cheating on his wife with.

Lindsay: Who took these?

Sally Sitwell: The first two were taken by the security camera in the Albertsons' parking lot, and the third was left in the photo booth at the Ealing Club.

Lindsay: God, that was a photo booth?

Sally Sitwell: Mm-hmm.

Lindsay: No one can know about this.

Sally Sitwell: Mmm, I'm afraid they're going to. Lucille has copies. She wants to go viral with this. Herbert Love with his hooker? She'll win for sure.

Lindsay: I can't let her do that.

Sally Sitwell: I don't think you can stop her. ...Anyway, it was so great running into you again!

Narrator: Lindsay was horrified that the world would view her as Love's prostitute.

David: Herbert Love? Herbert Love? Herbert Love? Herbert Love?

Narrator: And then Lindsay ran into someone else who was looking for Love.

David: Herbert Love?

Lindsay: David.

David: Who are you?

Lindsay: I'm Cindy Featherbottom.

David: I've been looking for you! Love's gone missing, and I've got to find someone to jump onto that stage and to show everyone here that we are the party here that has complete con-con-con- complete con-con-con-con- complete con-

Lindsay: -trol?

David: Giant! -trol.

Narrator: And that's when Lindsay found an opportunity...

Lindsay: I'll do it.

Narrator: put a spin on the looming photos scandal.

David: Oh my God, thank you, thank you. And I'm so sorry about that "giant" crack earlier. Okay, raise the mics, everybody! New speaker!

Narrator: So, like many before her, Lindsay would accuse Herbert Love...

Lindsay: Can I have everyone's attention?

Narrator: ...of sexual harassment.

Lindsay: I am Herbert Love's "key advisor."

Crowd cheers.

Narrator: But first she had to turn his supporters against him.

Lindsay: Uh, okay, uh. Listen, I have a few things I'd like to tell you about Herbert Love. Love wants to put up a wall.

Crowd cheers.

Lindsay: No, no. I mean, not, not just any wall. A wall to keep out the Mexicans.

Crowd cheers.

Lindsay: Uh, wow. What a great crowd.

Narrator: And that's when the blowback began.

Men overturn stalls and carts.

Lindsay: But no, you don't understand. He wants to separate- oh! (man rushes the stage and rips off her necklace) Aah! That's my necklace! What, what's happening? What-? What- what's going on?

Reveler: The marauders, lady, a bunch of young Mexicans are taking over Cinco de Cuatro. They don't find it funny anymore.

Lindsay: But that was my necklace, I mean... God! They don't belong here, we belong here.

Crowd cheers.

Lindsay: I mean, someone should put up a wall.

Narrator: And that's when Lindsay found herself saying this.

Lindsay: We should put up a wall. Put up this wall! Put. Up. This. Wall.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: Which was originally her mother's idea.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: Although horrible news for her father.

George Sr. grabs Lindsay's discarded wig.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: But that's when Lindsay found out who she really was.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall!

Lindsay: My name is Lindsay Bluth, and this is who I am.

Woman: Love you Lindsay!

Crowd cheers.

Narrator: A Bluth...

David: She's a game changer.

Narrator: ...just like her mother.

Act 7[]

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development.

Cut to: hospital

Narrator: Herbert Love is discovered in a coma.

David: They think it happened during the blowback. They found him behind the Kick-a-Goat. The doctors say he may come out of it in a week to ten years. So I have one question for you. Would you consider-

Lindsay: Yes.

David: Would you consider-

Lindsay: Yes.

David: Would you consider-

Lindsay: Yes.

David: Would you consider running in his place?

Lindsay: Yes.

David: Oh, fantastic. (to nurse) Sweetheart, could you work his thumb? And honey, could we see some pupils over here?

Narrator: And she even gets Herbert's endorsement.

Cut to: Ealing Club

Narrator: And Annyong tries to stick the Bluth family for a tomato juice that costs him $700 and ultimately his freedom. Goodbye, Annyong.