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Transcript of Señoritis

Transcript of "Señoritis"
Written by: Jim Brandon & Brian Singleton

Season Four, Episode Twelve

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Eli Vargas as Perfecto Telles
Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn
Mae Whitman as Ann Veal
Judy Greer as Kitty Sanchez
Jeff Garlin as Mort Meyers
Isla Fisher as Rebel Alley
Terry Crews as Herbert Love
Andy Richter as Rocky Richter-Wang
Christine Taylor as Sally Sitwell
Liza Minnelli as Lucille Austero
Richard Jin Namkung as Paul 'P-Hound' Huan
Jay Johnston as Officer Taylor
Jerry Minor as Officer David Carter
Jim Cramer as Himself
Bob Glouberman as David
Justin Grant Wade as Steve Holt
Woon Young Park as Marauder
Christine Dunford as Lynda the producer
Zoe Levin as High School girl #1
Lauren Patten as High School girl #2
Keri Russell as Widow Carr
Jordan Black as Bartender


The following is the transcript of the Season Four episode "Señoritis". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Señoritis" was written by Jim Brandon & Brian Singleton.

Act 1[]

School bus

Narrator: High school seniors often find themselves in their first relationship.

Maeby kissing Perfecto Telles.

Perfecto Telles: How was that?

Maeby: Perfecto.

Narrator: This is Maeby Fünke.

Caption: Maeby Fünke, high school senior

Narrator: And during her senior year, she was dating this boy.

Caption: Perfecto Telles, boy

Narrator: His name was Perfecto Telles, and she was rewarding him for doing her English homework, even though English was his second language.

Maeby: And if you do my Spanish, I'll teach you how to French.

Narrator: Everyone could see that they had chemistry together, but it wasn't until Donnie Richter's algebra class that the real bonding began.

"Donnie" Richter: Now, I don't want to embarrass anyone, so everyone close your eyes, close 'em. Now, if you passed the test, go ahead and get up and exit the classroom.

Man: Does that include the crew?

"Donnie" Richter: No, the Babies Having Babies crew...

Perfecto Telles: 38.

Maeby: 43. But that's because I'm good with numbers. Oh, no, actually it's 34.

Perfecto Telles: Well, if it's dumb to stay behind with you, call me a dummy.

"Donnie" Richter: We don't say dummy. And unfortunately you two algetards are going to need some special tutoring.

Narrator: Which is how they found themselves headed to the local college, along with the other math-challenged students.

Students: (singing) 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 90... 99 bottles of beer on the wall!

Perfecto Telles: Hey, when you get there, don't forget you're Perfecto's woman. I don't want to hear about some... smooth college guy who stole you away from me.

Maeby: Are you kidding me? What kind of loser spends his free time tutoring high school kids?

Narrator: This kind.

Cut to: George Michael's dorm room

George Michael: Hey, you must be... What?

Maeby: George Michael?

George Michael: Huh? What is this? Maeby, what are you... doing here? As I live and breathe. I... I thought you were the girl. I'm supposed to tutor a kid from...

Maeby: High school. Yeah. That's me.

George Michael: Crazy. That is just crazy. But wait, why are you... in high school? Didn't we graduate together five years ago?

Narrator: It was a decent question. After all, it had been several years since the two high school seniors got somewhat intimate.

George Michael: You might not even be related to us. (they kiss)

Narrator: But later, while fleeing the boat party, George Michael got some advice on the matter from his father.

Michael: She might not be a blood relative, but... she is still family.

Narrator: So, after returning, worn from the harsh winds of the sea...

G.O.B.: Look at how much "yes" is in you! I knew it! I knew I'd get that "yes" from you. Look who got a "yes"!

Narrator: ...George Michael found the girl he now had to back away from on her back.

George Michael: Maeby! Are you okay? What are you doing?

Maeby: Shh! I'm trying to get my parents to notice me. I've been here for like an hour and a half.

Lindsay: I’ve spent years trying to fit into this family, and it's not me.

Narrator: It had been seven minutes.

George Michael: Do you think it would help if I went over and said like, "Hey, Maeby's dead"?

Maeby: No, that would just mean that they'd notice you.

George Michael: Well, obviously they've just got a lot on their plate right now. I mean, they're clearly busy.

Tobias: (singing) No, it’s just a fallacy!

George Michael: What's that from?

Maeby: It's from nothing.

George Michael: Why don't you cough or something?

Maeby: Oh, right. Like I'm dy-ing. (coughs)

Lindsay: There’s nothing keeping us together.

Tobias: I believe we’re thinking the same thing.

George Michael: Oh, God! (Maeby sighs and gives up) But, you know, I'm actually... I'm glad to have a moment alone with you, because it gives us a chance to talk about us. You know, I really... care about you.

Maeby: Oh, boy. Here we go. You want to get more serious.

Narrator: And Maeby didn't because, and I never told you this, but George Michael wasn't a very good kisser. It seems he both used his tongue to fend off the intruding tongue, but also laterally moved his lower jaw while constricting his lower lip. The upper lip, meanwhile, tended to retract, revealing an exposed area from the front teeth to the canines, ultimately creating more pain than pleasure. Really just rookie mistakes, but all of it conspired to make Maeby concerned about him wanting to get more serious.

George Michael: No, less serious.

Maeby: What?

George Michael: Well, my dad doesn't think that it's such a good idea for you and me to be together.

Maeby: And that... doesn't make me hotter to you?

George Michael: No, I could see that argument. I, I- no, I think we should just be cousins.

Maeby: So first my parents don't notice that I drowned, and now my cousin doesn't care that I'm at the height of my sexuality.

George Michael: Oh, sure I care, and, y-you know, I'm right there... with you. We're a couple of... forces of nature, but...

Maeby: What?

George Michael: Forces of nature. But I just really need to focus on graduating right now, and... maybe you should too, you know? Maybe that's the best way to get your parents' attention.

Maeby: That's a great idea. I've got two whole months to flunk. That's got to disappoint them!

Act 2[]

Model home

Narrator: Maeby was trying to get her parents to notice she was flunking.

Maeby: So, for some reason, they didn't send me a cap and gown, and I was gonna make one out of sheets, but I couldn't find-

Narrator: Only to discover that Maeby's graduation wasn't top of mind for her parents.

Maeby: They left town.

Narrator: So she put her plan to put her graduation on hold on hold, and headed off to India...

Cut to: plane

Maeby: No, we do not need that many extras.

Narrator: ...where she'd be working at what was once just her after-school job.

Lynda: Well, it might be worse to insist on using less because you've got to pay them for a shot.

Maeby: Right. Okay, do we have to pay them in money or in rice?

Lynda: If they're in the union, you have to pay with rice.

Maeby: This movie is...

Narrator: The movie she was supervising was the latest in her terrifying grandmother Gangie franchise, this one taking place in India.

Maeby: All right, I say we get 10,000 extras, and then...

Lynda: That way we have it.

Maeby: Yeah, we have it.

Lynda:It's good to have it.

Tobias: I am going to start wearing this back home.

Maeby: You'd think someone would tell her to shave her arms, the poor thing.

Narrator: And soon, she and her team arrived and headed off to the hotel.

Maeby: Wait, how is it pronounced? Ganges. Gangie on the Ganges? That doesn't even make sense.

Narrator: Where she found out why her mother wasn't at the graduation that Maeby also wasn't not at.

Lindsay: You don't get it. I'm not used to third world hotels.

Male Concierge: No, you don't get it. You are so full of (BLEEP).

Female Concierge: Raj? That is the greatest insult you can say to a person.

Maeby: You have got to be kidding me. Do we have a hair and make-up crew with us?

Lynda: Pretty make-up or scary make-up?

Maeby: Scary.

Lynda: Well, I think we have the crew that did The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Maeby: Perfect.

Narrator: And that's how Lindsay ended up receiving this spiritual advice.

Lindsay: I’m just so full of passion.

Maeby as Shaman Sheman: You are so full of (BLEEP).

Lindsay: Yeah, yeah.

Maeby as Shaman Sheman: Pull your head out of the sand. Love is where you left it.

Lindsay: The only person back home is Tobias.

Maeby as Shaman Sheman: You have no children?

Lindsay: No. Why do you ask? Well, yes. A daughter. She's away at boarding school in England.

Maeby as Shaman Sheman: Is that where we left it?

Narrator: Although you'd think this would have given her away.

Lindsay: Hug?

Maeby as Shaman Sheman: Please don't squeeze the shaman.

Narrator: And while it did bring the family back together...

Michael: ...on the stimulus money, too, right? Stop with the prayer hands. It just looks like you’re out of ideas.

Lindsay: Says the least spiritual man I know.

Narrator: did make it harder for Maeby to make this insult stick.

Maeby: Don't you think it makes you... seem a little, um, what is that saying? Full of (BLEEP).

Lindsay: Thank you, Maeby. That's actually a compliment in India.

Maeby: My own fault.

Lindsay: I'm here because a shaman told me that love is where I left it. Which, after much soul searching and by process of elimination, is Tobias.

Tobias: I got the part.

Narrator: But soon, the Fünkes took their new spirit of love and togetherness into a place where they would seldom run into each other.

Cut to: new house

Maeby: Okay! Going back to school! Senior year!

Narrator: And Maeby enrolled in a new high school for her senior year...

Maeby: No? No one cares? This is usually a tough time for teens! This is when drugs often become an issue!

Narrator: see if her parents would notice she should have already graduated.

Maeby: Time for Babies Having Babies!

Tobias: Is Babies Having Babies on? That's my favorite show.

Maeby leaves.

Lindsay: (reading) Mother's Day Eve was the most joyous day of the year. Maeby! You're going to be late for school.

Narrator: And although they did share one Thanksgiving together...

Caption: two months later...

Tobias: It's not on.

Narrator: ...they didn't realize they were doing so...

Lindsay: Why would they preempt Babies Having Babies for a turkey cartoon?

Narrator: ...having celebrated it one week earlier, when they found that duck in the cupboard, tried to cook it alive...

Caption: one week earlier...

Tobias: Duck l'orange!

Narrator: ... got scared, and then ended up eating it at a Chinese restaurant.

Woman: Okay, yeah, we cook the duck for you.

Narrator: Nonetheless, Maeby was doing well in school, and might have graduated had this not happened.

Maeby listens to phone messages.

Lindsay: (on machine) Look, I'm sorry, Tobias, but we're trying to save something that just couldn't be saved. Can you delete this so I can leave a message for Maeby?

Tobias: (on machine) Lindsay! I have... met someone. It's not important who it is... Erase this message, and I'll leave her a message.

Lindsay: (on machine) Maeby, honey, Daddy has insisted on raising you alone.

Narrator: But at least her father was choked up.

Tobias: Maeby, your daddy's not going to be around anymore. (clears throat) Excuse me, I swallowed a bug there. Uh, your daddy's not going to be around anymore...

Widow Carr: (on machine) This is the Widow Carr, and for some reason it's my job to that since you never made payment, your house is being foreclosed. Also, Tobias, you got a callback for something called The Big Bang Theory.

Narrator: Having lost her parents and her house, Maeby stopped bothering with high school, skipped her grandmother's trial, and headed to LA. She now had to make sure that she had an income.

Cut to: Imagine building

Kitty: Guess what?

Maeby: What?

Kitty: I'll just tell you.

Maeby: Yeah.

Kitty: 'Cause I feel like we'll be here forever, and I have a meeting. Um, you're fired.

Maeby: Why?

Kitty: Well, because you don't have a high school diploma and we have a very strict policy here that everyone has to have a high school diploma on account of the fact that (whispering) Ron never graduated.

Maeby: Is this really happening?

Kitty: Actually, I was thinking I wasn't even gonna have to fire you 'cause it's been on Deadline all day.

Maeby: How did they even find out?

Kitty: Does it even matter anymore?

Maeby: Yeah, it does.

Kitty: I told them.

Narrator: With no parents, no job, and no place to leave, Maeby had squat, which is exactly what she decided to do at her grandparents' penthouse. And that's when Maeby did what we in the entertainment industry call "deadlining."

Maeby: (flopping down) Come on.

Ostrich clucking.

Lindsay: What do you think?

Narrator: On the plus side, each parent thought she was with the other.

Lindsay: We're not moving in, we're... occupying a space with central air.

Narrator: So Maeby was as free as that bird.

Maeby: (seeing ostrich) (BLEEP)!

Marky Bark: Cindy? You okay? All right, this will be where she goes.

Narrator: So she retreated to the long-abandoned model home, where she discovered it's a lot harder to get out of a Bluth home than into one.

Maeby: Pieces of (BLEEP).

Narrator: And maybe it was because she had never fully disappointed her parents, and they were getting older - or perhaps it was because there was no Internet at the model home...

Maeby: That is it. This is like living in 1999.

Narrator: ...but that's when Maeby became a high school senior for the third time, and then a fourth. And then it just sort of became what she did. And it ultimately led to this.

Cut to: George Michael's dorm room

Maeby: So, I'm still gonna stay in high school until they notice me. You know, just like, let them think, "Oh, no, should we be worried? Is she really that immature?"

George Michael: Yeah. Well, I mean, isn't it, uh... kind of a little immature to try and make your parents worry like that?

Maeby: Oh, that's good, I'm gonna try and work that in there.

George Michael: No, I think it's in there. Yeah, well, let's get you in here before our third roommate shows up. That's Paul Huan.

P-Hound: Hi.

Maeby: So there's three people who live in here?

George Michael: Yeah, well, one guy is just kind of crashing here.

Maeby: Well, it can't be worse than living with your dad.

George Michael: It's not. No, it's not worse than that.

Narrator: And later she was joined by her uncle.

Michael: Excuse me. Hello. (hugs Maeby) Didn’t say it was your cousin. Now, that’s smart. Let him think there’s a girl in here.

Maeby: Yeah, we were just complaining about roommates.

Michael: P-Hound.

Maeby: I thought it was the other one.

George Michael: No, it was, it was P-Hound, yeah.

Michael: Yes, he's the worst. See, I think if George Michael and I didn't have each other as roommates, we'd be going crazy.

Narrator: And for a moment, Maeby felt superior to her cousin. And her uncle, for that matter.

Michael: Actually, have you told her about your software?

Maeby: No. Software?

Michael: He's got this privacy software. Keeps people from stealing your stuff. Tell her, pal.

Narrator: Maeby tried to hide her jealousy.

Maeby: So it's privacy software that's also anti-piracy? Do you have a way of doing this?

George Michael: Well, it's just a Boolean... driven aggregation, really, of what programmers call "hacker-traps"...

Narrator: But as she listened to her cousin discuss computer technology that she had no understanding of, she lost that feeling of superiority, and her self-esteem plummeted as she started to question the entirety of what she had done with her life for the last several years.

George Michael: ...which uses false meta-data on top of false rate authentication and a fake profile that would misdirect, completely copy those users away from anyone's personal information and... so, you know, in other words, when you have friends over, you know, you're listening to music and they want to steal your music and copy your movies, or, or just look at your photos. You know, this prevents that. It just neutralizes that so it's not even a threat. It's called Fakeblock.

Michael: Great name.

George Michael: Yeah, well, you know, it's super low-hanging fruit. Someone's gonna do it. We're just trying to be those guys, you know.

Michael: I don't understand a word of it, but, it, it, it works. You should see his Facebook page. Doesn't have a friend on it.

Narrator: Of course, that last part had nothing to do with Fakeblock.

George Michael: Thank you, Dad.

Narrator: But it did help George Michael's self-esteem.

Act 3[]

Narrator: Maeby was feeling discouraged as she got back on the bus for high school.

Girl #1: Hey, do you wanna get high with us behind the gym?

Girl #2: Wait, we don't know her. I hear there's an undercover cop at school.

Girl #1: Can you imagine what kind of loser pretends to be in high school when they're in their 20s?

Maeby: Well, it's pretty gutsy, right? I mean, it's better to take the risk, right?

Girl #1: Yeah, maybe you're right.

Girl #2: Yeah, maybe you're right.

Both: Cop.

Perfecto Telles: Hey. How was your tutor? He's not going to take you away from me, is he?

Maeby: Well, not until his software hits and he can buy me an apartment. I'm living in a (BLEEP)hole.

Perfecto Telles: I hear they're hiring at Chipotle.

Maeby: And that's when Maeby realized maybe she should have graduated high school.

Cut to: bar

Maeby: Can I get a Macallan 12 neat, water back?

Bartender: ID?

Maeby: Actually, can we make it, uh, oh, marry me, a Wild Turkey?

Bartender: I still need to see some ID.

Maeby: Right. There you go.

Bartender: I'm supposed to believe you're 17?

Maeby: Oh, no, sorry, that's my fake for sneaking back into high school. Here we go. 23.

Bartender: Oh, you're Maeby. Well, you can have one, but you got quite a bar tab.

Maeby: I've got to graduate. I mean, I got to start bringing some cash in, you know?

Bartender: Yeah.

Maeby: Everyone's just passing me by. George Michael. Kitty Sanchez.

Officer Carter: Drinks for the house.

Maeby: This guy.

Bartender: These guys are making a fortune off that To Entrap a Local Predator show they're on.

Officer Taylor: Were. They won't let us shoot in Laguna.

Maeby: Are you guys looking for a new bait house?

Narrator: And that's how she made enough money to at least pay for her bar tab.

Perfecto Telles: Hey, guys.

Officer Carter: Hey, Perfecto!

Officer Taylor: Hey.

Bartender: Isn't this guy a little too young to be in here?

Officer Taylor: No. No, no, he's with us.

Narrator: But later, when returning from the restroom, she noticed this.

Police badge in Perfecto's hands.

Officer Carter: So, you fitting in over there at the high school?

Maeby: He's a cop.

Officer Carter: They accepting you?

Narrator: And as she returned to the high school for eighth period, even getting a diploma seemed to be in jeopardy.

Barry is outside the school gates with a stepladder.

Maeby: Barry?

Barry: Maeby, you scared the (BLEEP) out of me. What are you doing here?

Maeby: What are you doing here?

Barry: Well, I could ask you the same thing.

Maeby: I go to high school here.

Barry: I could answer the same thing. I was just looking for something more believable.

Maeby: Speaking of believable, I was going to ask you a question about that. Um, can somebody get kicked out of high school if they're too old? I think I was made at a bar.

Barry: Ha! I know this part of the law very, very well. After 21, it is illegal for you to enroll in high school in the state of California. As a matter of fact, you cannot even lurk! "Lurk." What, do they got cameras in the bushes? Why would they do that? You can't even see into the locker rooms from there.

Maeby: Okay, so, what do I do? Because the guy who caught me goes to school with me.

Barry: Oh, well, that's easy. You get something incriminating on him. Call me in the office, we'll discuss it. And then I can also keep a record, you know, for billing and so forth.

Maeby: Yeah, well, maybe I'll just keep a record of it, too, so I can follow up with my own bill. (raises phone to photograph Barry)

Barry: Oh-ho-ho, very good. You should be the lawyer. Very good. Pro bono.

Narrator: Knowing that she could very well be kicked out of school, Maeby went in search of an overdue check at the penthouse. And as she was checking out the mail...

Maeby: Oh, my God! (BLEEP)

Narrator: ...she ran into an ostrich in heat that was interested in checking out the female.

Maeby: And she wouldn't even let me get a cat.

Narrator: And after freeing the ostrich to eventually find love on the adjoining balcony, she was back searching for a long overdue royalty check. In fact it had arrived one day earlier.

Caption: one day earlier...

Lindsay: "From Gangie for facelift." Mother!

Narrator: But she did find that she was being honored at an award show dedicated to the achievement of young people in the entertainment business.

Maeby: I'm getting an Opie?

Narrator: And it did boost her esteem.

Maeby: Hey.

Narrator: The only bigger honor would be having an award like that named after you. I guess. Days later, however, she was called to Donnie Richter's classroom.

Maeby: Hey, you wanted to see me?

"Donnie" Richter: Hmm, yeah. I got you tacos. I hope that's okay, because you're going to sit here through lunch and study.

Maeby: No, I can't. I can't.

"Donnie" Richter: Young lady, you better pull it together, or you're not going to graduate. What is it going to take to get you to focus? Are you on drugs? Because, from what I hear, there might be an undercover cop at this school.

Narrator: In fact, it was an undercover cop she was searching for a way to incriminate.

"Donnie" Richter: How long do you want to stay in high school? You're 17!

Narrator: And that's when she remembered that Perfecto thought she was 17, too.

Maeby: You know what? I think I will do better once I get a little Mexican in me.

Act 4[]

Narrator: Maeby got her cousin to drive her to the Opies so she could impress him with her achievements.

Maeby: Well, I'm gonna go mingle with a bunch of 13-year-olds who think they can still play fifth grade. Have fun.

George Michael: I'll catch up.

Narrator: And Maeby ran into her old studio boss, Mort Meyers.

Mort Meyers: Oh, my God. As I live and breathe!

Maeby: I'm actually getting the Lifetime Achievement Opie tonight.

Mort Meyers: I'm very sorry.

Maeby: Ha, yeah.

Mort Meyers: No, they only give that award away to somebody after they die, or, even worse, after your career is dead.

Maeby: Really.

Mort Meyers: Well, consider yourself lucky. They told you your career was over. I didn't find out until I was locked out of my office, 'cause see, I, I passed on Hunger Games. It wasn't the most graceful of exits.

Mort Meyers: (in flashback) That's the way the cookie crumbles. (tips security guard) This is for you. Thanks, man.

Mort Meyers: No, actually, the exit was pretty graceful. I think I just remember it that way 'cause it got dicey when I was sneaking back in to take a (BLEEP) on Sid's desk. But do what I do. When they kick you out of the business, save face by starting your own Internet company. We're having a big announcement tonight.

Maeby: You started an Internet company?

Mort Meyers: It's the real deal. It's a system that automates provisioning.

Narrator: And once again she found herself with someone who had not only moved on with their life, but done so in ways she couldn't understand.

Mort Meyers: A programmable overlay upscalable multi-tenancy pipeline across multi-user overseas financial transactions. It's called Schnoodle.

Maeby: Schnoodle?

Mort Meyers: Take a hat! We've got 18,000 of them.

Narrator: And that's when Maeby ran into a friend she knew from her days at Imagine.

Maeby: Rebel!

Rebel Alley: Hey.

Maeby: Hi, How are you?

Rebel Alley: In hell. Oh, I hate the Opies. But whenever Bryce gets pregnant, guess who gets a call? And you're getting the lifetime achievement award, huh?

Maeby: You know, I can laugh about it. I can laugh because I'm actually on the upswing. I was just telling Mort here that I've actually started my own Internet company. I was just about to tell you.

Mort Meyers: Well, if you need a name, I'm the guy who came up with Schnoodle. How do we know each other?

Rebel Alley: We don't.

Mort Meyers: That's what it is.

Maeby: Well, Schnoodle's dead! Fakeblock is the next big thing! It's called Fakeblock.

George Michael: What's this? You're talking, talking about Fakeblock?

Maeby: Yes. Your privacy software.

Rebel Alley: Oh. How does your privacy software work?

George Michael: Uh-huh. It's private. (to Maeby) Can I talk to you for a second, please?

Maeby: Yes.

George Michael: Thank you. I don't want people to know that I'm doing this.

Maeby: Everybody has to know about this, okay? This could be big for me. I could make Fakeblock huge.

George Michael: No, no, Maeby, there is no company. Fakeblock is just a software that I'm developing. And the whole point is that it's private. So you can't be telling people about it.

Maeby: No, we gotta tell people about it. I just got a lifetime achievement award. I'm finished. And also, I think you should consider calling it The Fakeblock. It's cleaner. Like The Netflix.

George Michael: Yeah, but it's just not ready. Okay? There's still a bunch of programming... problems.

Maeby: You can get it ready, George Michael. What, you think they invite the animals and ask them to wait while they build the zoo?

George Michael: No, that would be a bloodbath.

Maeby: Yeah, a total (BLEEP) bloodbath.

George Michael: We have no money to start a business.

Maeby: Don't worry. I'll get the ball rolling with some free publicity when I accept my award. Come on, this could be my only chance to be a heiress.

George Michael: A Harris?

Maeby: All right, fine. You can still be the boss, okay? I just don't want people to know that I'm working with my cousin. So you are not my cousin. You are not George Michael Bluth.

George Michael: No, I'm, I'm great with that. In fact, you know what... might really help us sell it is- Oh, heiress. You mean... You don't pronounce the H. And that's not what heiress means.

Maeby: I pronounce the H.

George Michael: No, but that's not how the word is sai- You know, we say words the way we say them for a reason.

Rebel Alley: So what is this? Is this another one of those social networking things? Because I am so over those. I tried to deactivate my Facebook profile. It's easier to get out of Scientology.

Maeby: Well, this is actually the opposite of Facebook. It is the anti-social network. It prevents piracy. Right?

Rebel Alley: Really?

George Michael: Mm-hmm.

Rebel Alley: Rebel Alley.

George Michael: George Mi- Harris.

Rebel Alley: George Maharis, huh?

Narrator: And that's how George Michael finally got that new name. It felt like a good fit. Strong, rugged, untainted.

George Michael: Yes. Yes, George Maharis.

Maeby: Perfecto.

George Michael: De nada.

Maeby: That's my undercover cop boyfriend. I'm trying to get him in bed.

Narrator: And Maeby set to work in trapping him into becoming a predator.

Maeby: Hey. I know why you're here.

Perfecto Telles: Promise you won't tell anyone at school. I'm just a huge fan of teen stars.

Maeby: Yeah. That's very convincing.

Perfecto Telles: Yeah.

Maeby: You're a better actor than most of the kids here. Even Zack and Cody.

Perfecto Telles: Are they here? I thought they were filming a movie in Maui.

Maeby: Look, I may only be 17, Perfecto, but I know you're a cop. Yeah, there it is, that cop stare. I got to tell you... I find it very sexy.

Perfecto Telles: Okay. Okay, all right. I'm a cop. I'm working here undercover. We're hunting down an ex-CIA operative named Esteves who's gone rogue, and... It's the kids from Modern Family! Sorry. He's become a drug kingpin and his son goes to Newport. There's something going down tonight or possibly even at Cinco and that... (shouts) Rico!

Maeby: Wow. You are good.

Perfecto Telles: I have to be. Young lives depend on it.

Maeby kisses his cheek.

Maeby: To be continued.

Perfecto Telles: You better believe it. Rico!

Narrator: On her way to accept her award, however, figuring she wouldn't be at an event like this again, she stopped for some coconut shrimp. But narrowly missed the $50,000 check with her name on it that her mother gave to her grandfather.

George, Sr.: ...that she can't...

Narrator: Who gave it to this man.

George, Sr.: Got the check.

Herbert Love: I am going to put this on my... wall. Oh, man.

Narrator: Although, in that moment, she did gain some respect for her mother.

Lindsay: ...a random act of senseless non-violence.

Narrator: And perhaps that's why she chose to share her problems with her.

Lindsay: So... what are you doing here?

Maeby: I'm getting a lifetime achievement award for my work in the entertainment business.

Lindsay: I tried. Tell your therapist I tried.

Maeby: I'm not in therapy!

Lindsay: Then I must have done something right!

Narrator: And soon she was saying farewell to Hollywood in a way she hoped they'd remember.

Cut to: stage

Maeby: Thank you, Kirk Cameron, for that incredibly Bible-y introduction. Okay, so, tie yourself to your chair, because this is going to be a rough (BLEEP) ride. I'm leaving this (BLEEP) dying business to join the software game. Double (BLEEP) newsflash! I'm starting Fakeblock with George Maharis. The world's first anti-social network. So you know what? You can take this Opie and shove it up your (BLEEP), all right? Because I will (BLEEP) punt the next god(BLEEP) (BLEEP) you tells me I'm finished, you (BLEEP) (BLEEP)hats! So you can all go (BLEEP) yourselves! (starting to leave) What? Sure. (reads) Please welcome the talented voices of Phineas and Ferb. Go (BLEEP) yourself! (BLEEP) you!

Narrator: And although she was pursued, she was able to shake security when a bigger problem occurred.


David: Right this way, sir.

Narrator: And after the explosion, Maeby saw her mother whoring out her principles, and quickly lost the respect she had briefly held...

Lindsay: I'd like that very much.

David: Sir, the press awaits.

Narrator: ...and decided to call her on it.

Maeby: Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that?

Lindsay: I am not a whore.

Maeby: Yeah, you're a whore.

Narrator: As it turns out, the exchange was witnessed by Herbert Love's campaign manager, who, in possession of a third-party check from Gangie 4: Facelift, was looking to trade some greenbacks...

David: Ma'am, is she yours?

Narrator: ...for a redhead.

Maeby: Unfortunately.

Herbert Love: The Chinese are going to have to rename their wall the "Good Wall of China."

David: Herbert Love would like to see her. You can arrange that? Obviously, discretion is appreciated.

Narrator: And that's how Maeby got both the seed money for her company...

Maeby: I'm the discreetiest.

David: Just to be clear, I want to hire her for prostitution.

Maeby: Yes, no, definitely. That was clear. I'm gonna charge you for that.

Narrator: ...and became her mother's pimp.

Herbert Love: This wall is gonna be good. It'll be good.

Narrator: Of course, the plan required getting back into her mother's good graces to trick her into turning a trick.

Lindsay: Hi, sweetie.

Maeby: Free...bie. Hi.

Narrator: But the universe seemed to like the plan.

Lindsay: I thought I'd surprise you with a visit.

Narrator: And that's how Maeby was able to get her mother to meet Herbert at the club that Maeby still belonged to.

Lindsay: He did give me his card. Oh, I could never call him.

Maeby: I could call him for you. And I'll tell him... it has to be tonight.

Narrator: Technically she still needed to talk her mother into having sex with him.

Lindsay: Well, the sooner the better.

Narrator: But this was a woman who once wore this to a men's prison...

Lindsay: (in SLUT shirt) It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?

Narrator: she felt she'd be okay. And soon, she was pimping out George Michael's software company as well.

Maeby: Fakeblock, it's exploding. I got my PR company fanning it. I even got it to the attention of Jim Cramer.

George Michael: Jim... Cramer?

Maeby: He's a guy I've worked with, and he even mentioned it on Mad Money.

Jim Cramer: This Faceblock thing is poised to explode! I never do this- hell, i-it's not even a stock yet. For all I know, it's not even real! But I think this might be going through the roof! I'm calling it my first Hypothetical Buy. And this weekend, don't forget to catch me on Gangie IV. Here's a taste.

Caption: Gangie IV, Courtesy of Tantamount Pictures

Jim Cramer: (on TV) This old lady's crazy! I'm raising the alert level from "Don't Leave the House" to "Board Up Your Windows!"

Narrator: Over the following days, Maeby was able to discreetly bring in cash...

Maeby: You got it?

David: Oh, I got it.

Maeby: (dropping cash everywhere) Oh!

David: Oh, I'm sorry.

Maeby: I dropped the whore money.

Narrator: ...from Herbert Love for services she got her mother to unknowingly render.

Maeby: Well, why don't you take him out to dinner, hmm? Guys who are used to being charged - I mean, in charge, sometimes like it when the other person takes control.

Lindsay: Hmm. Well, maybe I will.

Maeby: How about the Balboa Yacht Club, huh?

Lindsay: Of course.

Maeby: Put it on the family tab. All right, have fun. I wish I could go out to dinner. (prepares to eat parmesan and mustard) What am I doing? This is disgusting. I've got money coming in.

Narrator: All the while putting money into the company...

Maeby: ...ultimate privacy on the web until now. If you don't believe me, do a something search on it.

Narrator: ...and bringing in more cash as a result, her self-esteem growing every day. Soon she had enough money for an apartment and to set up a Fakeblock office.

Maeby: (to delivery guy) Right. Um, do you want some... stock options? Yeah? All right, well, split it up with everyone. That's for everybody.

Narrator: She even got George Michael a cool retro company car.

George Michael arrives in the stair car.

Maeby: Hey.

George Michael: Hi. You actually rented a little office.

Maeby: Yeah. I don't want you to see it yet. Still setting it up. With a little help from a wealthy benefactor, Lucille 2.

George Michael: Oh, Gangie.

Maeby: No, Lucille 2. Austero?

George Michael: I don't know who that is.

Maeby: You don't?

George Michael: Never met the woman.

Maeby: Well, she'll be the one driving the stair car from now on. It was part of the deal.

George Michael: You gave her my car?

Maeby: Yeah, it's technically hers anyways, 'cause of the Bluth company. But I did get you her 1988 yellow Cadillac.

George Michael: Yeah?

Maeby: She only uses it to and from hip replacements. (laughs) Uh, I guess that's only funny... if you know who she is.

Narrator: And with the extra cash, even got around to spraying for pests at the model home where she was squatting.

G.O.B.: (over Steve Holt's phone) ...and thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years.

Maeby: Hey, so, what do I owe you?

Steve Holt: Here you go.

Maeby: That's funny. I actually used to date a guy named Steve Holt.

Steve Holt: (laughs) Steve Holt!

Maeby: Yeah, that's the guy.

Steve Holt: Uh. Yes.

Narrator: Although the house wouldn't remain pest-free for long.

Steve Holt: Heck of a birthday this is shaping up to be.

Narrator: In fact, it was about to get worse.

Steve brakes to avoid Michael and G.O.B.'s racing cars and loses the roof decoration off his van.

Narrator: And Maeby's privacy was about to get violated when her uncles barged in unannounced.

Michael: Now, now, I know I've got these things, uh, very, you know, meticulously maintained.

Maeby: (BLEEP)!

Michael: There's... there are some vultures. I think they might still smell Pete.

Narrator: And she still managed to continue seducing Perfecto into seducing her.

Maeby: I'm like, "This top is completely see-through." I'll put it on and show you. I'm like, "Where am I supposed to wear this?"

Narrator: This high school senior was working three jobs.

David: We have to be discreet.

Narrator: And she did her jobs well.

Maeby: What?

David: We have to be discreet.

Maeby: Oh, right.

Narrator: And soon, it was time for Maeby to show George Michael the office.

Mort drives up on a golf cart as they enter the hangar.

Mort Meyers: Welcome!

Maeby: I'm a softie, I hired the guy. He's more like a mascot than anything. Mort, where's my coffee?

Mort Meyers: Damn! Oh, stupid Mort.

Maeby: I know, it's okay, just focus. I'm going to take the cart and show George Michael his new office. Speechless, huh?

Mort Meyers: How do I get back?

Maeby: Of course, when Fakeblock hits, we're going to have to ramp up real fast. This hangar can hold over 500 nerds!

George Michael: Maeby, we can't afford this. And my software isn't even rea...dy.

Maeby: Don't worry about that. Just worry about the app being done in time for the big public unveiling at Cinco. I'll get the money.

George Michael: Isn't that like in three days?

Maeby: Uh, no, that's Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Cuatro's in two days. But we'll be doing it on a boat, so I hope you don't get seasick. You're doing the keynote. You're responsible for all of this. Come on.

George Michael: What... No, I... Uh, I, I think we, uh...

Maeby: All of this.

George Michael: Oh, I think we should delay the keynote.

Maeby: You know, I'd say yes, but I don't think we can just because of the sheer amount of money that you have on the hook for it. (drives off on cart)

George Michael: Maeby? You're fired!

Act 5[]

Narrator: Maeby had just lost a big career option, when she ran into the current squatter of the Penthouse.

Michael: Hey. Maeby.

Maeby: Hey, hey.

Michael: Wow. What, what are you doing here?

Maeby: I'm just here to see Lucille 2, actually.

Narrator: In fact, she was there to see Lucille 2's so-called foster child, Perfecto.

Michael: Oh, don't tell her I'm here. She tries to kiss me a lot. Come in for one second, I need to talk to you about something very important.

Maeby: Yeah, um, Uncle Michael, I'm, I'm really sorry about that whole voting you out of the dorm thing. You know, we never really meant it to...

Michael: Ah! I knew it. I knew you didn't understand it. I knew you guys were all... 'Cause I didn't, I don't think I explained it... very well, and it was very, very simple. I made it complicated. It was a four person vote. You see, I voted against myself, so that P-Hound... And that's the way that, that scenario would've worked out. What I later realized that there was another scenario... Maeby? That there was another scenario...

Maeby: Yeah.

Michael: A C scenario. Scenario C...

Maeby: I've really got to get going.

Michael: ...where you- Okay.

Maeby: I gotta... Yeah.

Michael: All right, but before you do, I just need your signature here at the bottom. Doing a movie about the family.

Maeby: Yeah. Is that still happening?

Michael: What do you mean?

Maeby: I've got to tell you, I think movies are dead. Maybe... it's a TV show.

Caption: moments later...

Michael: Thank you.

Maeby: Mm-hmm.

Michael: I owe you one.

Maeby: No, you don't.

Narrator: And now a half hour late, Maeby went back to her plan for seducing an undercover cop.

Michael: Wait, w-w-wait!

Maeby: Yes.

Michael: Don't knock just yet. (flees)

Maeby knocks.

Narrator: And that's when Lucille 2 saw a very real girl in her imaginary boy's room. And after, secure that she had something with which to blackmail Perfecto, she sought out a late payment from the Love campaign at Cinco.

Herbert Love: Here's a little severance package for servicing my package.

Lindsay tries and fails to throw his cash back at him.

Narrator: As it turns out, the Love campaign had just taken care of a threat of their own.

Lindsay: Why can't I do this?

Narrator: And that's when Maeby ran into her mother.

Lindsay: Oh, Maeby.

Maeby: Hey.

Lindsay: Oh, hey. I need to apologize to you. That check you've been looking for... I had it.

Maeby: "Had?"

Lindsay: It's not everything, but... here's some money.

Maeby: Mom, let go.

Lindsay: It's dirty money anyway. Love gave it to me.

Narrator: Maeby felt bad.

Maeby: He gave you money directly?

Lindsay: If you can believe that. Anyway, this is your money now, and if you choose to do facial reconstruction... I mean, the nose, right?

Narrator: But Maeby was more concerned about losing yet another income stream.

Maeby: So he's trying to snake the bottom bitch from my stable?

Narrator: And more importantly, her rep on the street. And she knew just who to go to about it.

Maeby: He stole money from me. He's a bully. So I want you to "bad cop" him for me a little, okay?

Perfecto Telles: So where is this bully?

Maeby: He's right there.

Perfecto Telles: The little guy with the cigarette?

Maeby: No, the ripped black guy behind him.

Narrator: Perfecto was nervous...

Perfecto Telles: Oh, right, I just... I just didn't look up high enough.

Narrator: ...but headed off to do as told.

Caption: moments later...

David: Herbert Love? Herbert Love? Herbert Love? Herbert Love?

Narrator: And later, after Herbert Love didn't return, Perfecto did.

Maeby: Hey! Did you do it?

Perfecto Telles: It's... taken care of.

Maeby: Oh, great.

Narrator: But, that's when the party got out of control.

Woman: What's, what's going on?

Maeby: Guess the blowback has started. Thank God I'm with an undercover cop. Pull out your gun.

Perfecto Telles: I don't have a gun.

Maeby: What kind of cop doesn't have a gun?

Perfecto Telles: Okay... I'm not a cop.

Maeby: But I saw... your badge at the bar.

Narrator: In fact, it was an anti-bullying badge.

Perfecto Telles: (in flashback) I've just come by to thank you for getting me into that foster home.

Narrator: He'd received it from a police-run anti-bulling program at school.

"Donnie" Richter: You're never too old to stand up to a bully.

Perfecto Telles: I made up all that stuff to impress you. I'm just a senior.

Maeby: A señor?

Perfecto Telles: I'm 17. Ha!

Maeby: You're... 17?

Perfecto Telles: Yeah.

Maeby: I'm 23.

Perfecto Telles: Oh, that's a relief. I wasn't supposed to be driving with you.

Maeby: But we messed around.

Narrator: Oh, they did more than that.

Perfecto Telles: Don't worry, nobody saw.

Crowd: Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall!

Narrator: Except Lucille 2. And that's when Maeby, who had spent so long lying to others and even herself, finally had to admit she had made a huge mis-

Maeby: Ah, no, I'm fine.

Act 6[]

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development. Lucille 2 becomes less of a threat to Maeby.

Sally Sitwell: (on TV) I have my own theories. You know, even though this is an ongoing investigation, we are pretty certain this is where Lucille Austero landed.

Camera focuses on bloodstained steps of stair car.

Sally Sitwell: It is the way she usually falls.

Reporter: Are you gonna run in her place?

Sally Sitwell: Hey, hey-hey-hey, let's not bury her yet. We are all still holding out hope that she is, indeed, found.

Man painting "VOTE FOR SITWELL" on side of stair car.

Cut to: algebra class

Narrator: But a new threat to Maeby emerges.

Perfecto pokes Maeby in the back.

Maeby: (whispering) Stop it. What?

Perfecto Telles: (whispering) Can we at least have breakup sex?

Maeby: (whispering) No, you're 17! I'm a 23-year-old woman. If anyone found out that we already had sex, it would be a major felony.

"Donnie" Richter: Congratulations. You got your first A.

Maeby: Oh, thank God. This A is finally gonna get me out of high school.

"Donnie" Richter: No, sex offender. Your A is going to jail.

Maeby: You can't arrest me. You're an algebra teacher.

Rocky Richter: Donnie Richter is an algebra teacher. (pulls off wig) I'm Rocky Richter. I told you there was an undercover cop in this school.

Maeby: Oh, God. I'm gonna have to live in Sudden Valley.