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Transcript of Staff Infection

Transcript of "Staff Infection"
Written by: Brad Copeland

Season One, Episode Fifteen

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
James Lipton as Warden Stefan Gentles
Charlie Hartsock as Ted
BW Gonzalez as Lupe
Michael Blieden as Agent Cummings
Matt Price as Agent Freeling
Justin Lee as Annyong Bluth
David Reynolds as White Power Bill
Alden Villaverde as Little Justice
Brant Van Hoffman as Foreman
Teddy Lane Jr. as Construction worker
Victor Campos as Lupe's uncle
Newell Alexander as Shepherd
Connor Matheus as Boy #1


The following is the transcript of the Season One episode "Staff Infection". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Staff Infection" was written by Brad Copeland.

Act 1[]

Narrator: Michael had begun to work weekends. Unfortunately, this interfered with the Saturday morning bike ride he usually took with his son.

Michael: So this isn’t bad, right? Just like a normal Saturday.

George Michael: You know, Dad, you don’t have to drive so slow. I can ride my bike by myself.

Michael: This actually doesn’t go any faster.

George Michael: I mean, I know you have a lot of work, you know?

Michael: That still doesn’t mean I can’t hang out with my... Hang on, one second. (Into phone.) This is Michael. Mom, I’m expecting a very important phone... For God’s sakes, I’ll be right there.

George Michael: Dad. Dad!

Michael: Nice instincts, son! Good reflexes!


Narrator: Back at the model home, Lindsay awoke late to find her husband missing.

Lindsay: Maeby? Michael? Tobias? Work?


Narrator: Tobias had recently been cast in a movie, playing the role of a frightened inmate.

Tobias: I ain’t going to squeal, man. I ain’t going to squeal... Oh! I’m not frightened. God! Lindsay, say something to scare me.

Lindsay: (bleep) me.

Tobias: Nope. Nothing. Thanks for trying, though. You know what I ought to do? I ought to check myself into a men’s penal colony. Perhaps... your father could get me in.

End flashback

Lindsay: Well, if he can go to work, so can I.


Narrator: Lucille, meanwhile, was growing closer to her recently adopted Korean son, whom she called Annyong ...

Lucille: That looks much better, Annyong.

Narrator: ... which isn’t a name ...

Annyong: Annyong

Narrator: ... but the Korean word for “hello.”

Buster: And I guess I can comb my own hair.

Lucille: Oh, please, he’s a little boy, And since he’s going to go off and work for ten hours, I want him to look nice. Thank you, Lupe.

Buster: You got a job, Annyong?

Annyong: Annyong.

Buster: Annyong.

Annyong: Annyong.

Lucille: At the banana stand. Oh, his work ethic is unbelievable. Unlike some sons I know.

Buster: I’m a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits.

Lucille: Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

Michael: Hey, Lupe. What’s wrong with Lupe?

Lucille: Oh, she’s upset because I told her she couldn’t take the day off. There’s a family reunion in Catalina.

Buster: Catalina. We’re not going to Catalina, are we?

Narrator: Buster had an unfortunate encounter in a photo booth on the wildlife-populated island of Catalina.

Michael: No, Lupe is. You see, for her, a family reunion might actually be a pleasant experience.

Lucille: They’ve got a bus, and they want to use parking lot to this building as a meeting place. I mean, for God’s sake, it’s not a hardware store. We can’t have them hanging around like a bunch of freeloaders looking for an easy buck.

Michael: What’s the emergency, Mom?

Lucille: I need money.

Michael: I don’t have time for this, okay? I don’t even get to see my own son. I’m going to go to work now.

Lucille: And while you’re there, find out from your assistant Kitty why she didn’t send my paycheck.

Michael: You get a paycheck from the Bluth Company?

Lucille: Well, it’s important to the company that I keep up the image of my lifestyle.

Michael: Illusion, Mom. And I’m the president of that company, and I believe that I’m the one that asked you to start shopping at Quantity Plus.

Lucille: And they made me apply for a membership card. It was humiliating.

Michael: I’ll see what I can do for you. And now that I know that I’m the one that pays Lupe, I’m giving her the day off, okay? Lupe, did you hear that? Tell your bus driver that he can pick up your family at the Bluth Company parking lot.

Lupe: Oh, thank you, Michael.

Lucille: My hero.

Michael: Anyway, you enjoy that paycheck when you get it. It will be the last one I ever send here.

Buster: Uh, does that mean I have to go to your office to get mine, too, or... how’s that work?

Michael: You got to be kidding me. All right, you know what, Buster? Bob, in the copy room, he quit today. If you want your money, you’re gonna have to work for it.

Buster: Okay, I accept. I’ll take that job. I will work in the copy room.

Lucille: I wouldn’t go in there without knocking, Michael.


Michael: Now, I know we’ve been putting in a lot of hours, but we’ve got to keep our heads down and power through, you know, and sacrifice.

Lindsay: Don’t mind me, I’m just here to pick up my paycheck and get out of here.

Michael: Guys, go ahead and take a three. Lindsay, how can you just come in here and ask me for a paycheck?

Lindsay: Well, I usually ask Kitty, but she’s not around, and you’re the only one here that I’ve ever seen before.

Michael: How long has this been going on?

Lindsay: Dad hired me out of college.

Michael: You quit college.

Lindsay: Yeah, well, I had a job—what was the point?

Michael: Well, you have a job now, and since Kitty’s gone, you can earn your check by answering the phone.

Lindsay: Michael, it’s Friday. Everybody coasts on Friday.

Michael: It’s actually Saturday.

Lindsay: Finally. I’m out of here. I’ll see you Tuesday.

Michael: I’m serious, Lindsay.

Lindsay: This is why your employees hate you.

Michael: They’re actually quite fond of me. Okay, guys, back to the staff meeting.

Buster: Sorry, guys.

Michael: Uh, Lindsay. Hello. The phone?

Lindsay: Well, you said staff.

Michael: The zoning committee feels that we’re trying to squeeze too many units onto a lot this size, and obviously we need to if we want to make a profit, so how do we fit these units on there?

Lindsay: Are these florescent lights bothering anybody else besides me?

Michael: That’s not what I want to deal with today.

Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun and you try to crush people’s spirits. What’s next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

Michael: Can you go to your desk, please? Be like Buster. He’s been in the copy room. I haven’t seen him all day.


Narrator: In fact, Buster had grown anxious in the confined space of the copy room.

Woman #1: Bob?

Man #1: Bob?

Man #2: Bob!

Voices: (Echoing.) Bob? Bob? Bob? Bob?


Buster: I need a different job. I’m having real trouble in a confined, indoor space. Hey, coworker.

Michael: How do you feel about working outdoors?

Buster: Uh... What else do you have?


Narrator: At the banana stand, George Michael was also working.

Maeby: I thought your dad worked last weekend.

George Michael: No, last week he had to finish planning the new subdivision.

Maeby: Oh. So did he finish it?

George Michael: No. Hey, are you trying to make me feel bad.

Maeby: Yeah, I guess. Sorry, I’m just bored.

George Michael: That’s okay.

Maeby: I guess he just likes work more than he likes you.


Narrator: Tobias went to prison in preparation for his own work.

Tobias: I have a letter of introduction here from Carl Weathers.

Narrator: Fortunately, the new warden was an appreciator of the arts.

Warden Gentiles: It would be an honor to have you research in this institution.

Tobias: (Quietly.) Oh, thank you.

Warden Gentiles: And, if I may, I have this script I’d love to get to Carl.

Tobias: O... kay.

Warden Gentiles: The warden could easily be black.

Tobias: Oh, yeah.

Warden Gentiles: Okay. Let’s see, now. 187 won’t be free till Tuesday... at midnight. And I can’t put you into 212 because there’s already another actor researching a role in there. (Quietly.) Steve Buscemi.

Tobias: Oh. Rea... Well, I-I would like to bunk with my father-in-law.

Warden Gentiles: Okay. Let’s get you... into wardrobe.

Tobias: (Laughs.) Wow! Prison.


Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael and Buster had arrived at the construction site, and Buster was actually starting to enjoy himself.

Buster: Michael! I’m reinforcing the header!

Michael: That’s great, buddy. Listen, uh, also, I know that we’re behind on the payroll, but as soon as the zoning committee gives me their approval, I know the bank’s gonna release the money. Right now I’m just asking everyone to, you know, power through, sacrifice.

Foreman: I’ll try, but these guys have been working too hard not to get paid.

Michael: I’ll get on it, but until then, you know, I’ve got Buster here to help, that’s another guy.

G.O.B.: Michael! Michael. Michael.

Michael: How’d you know I was here?

G.O.B.: I called the office. You know, that Kitty is starting to sound pretty damn sexy to me. Maybe I ought to...

Michael: That was Lindsay.

G.O.B.: Anyway.

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: What’s Busty doing here?

Buster: Michael got me the job.

G.O.B.: How’d you get him to do construction? The guy’s, like, the world’s biggest chicken. Coka, coka, coka.

Buster: I’m not a chicken.

Michael: Yeah, he’s not a chicken. He just doesn’t like confined spaces, that’s all.

G.O.B.: I thought it was open spaces.

Buster: No, it’s both. But I love it here. And the language these guys use. Rough! One of the guys told me to take my head out of my bottom and get back to work. (Cackling laughter.) My bottom! (Laughing.)

Michael: What do you want? You want your paycheck?

G.O.B.: I usually get cash under the table. But if you made it out to “Cash”...

Michael: Well, I got bad news for you, G.O.B.

Foreman: Hey! Pick up the pace, douche bag!

G.O.B.: Michael.

Foreman: You too, candy ass.

Buster: Candy ass.


Narrator: With Michael gone, Lindsay was taking over.

Lindsay: Thanks, fellas.

Ted: We, uh, finished the proposal and, uh, we’re gonna order some pizza. Um, we were wondering if we could have two toppings, on account of its Saturday.

Lindsay: Well, he’s not here, and since I’m in charge, I’m taking you all out to lunch. The whole staff.

Ted: We have to go to lunch.

Man #3: We have to go to lunch, guys!

Man #4: Come on. Let’s go to lunch.

Michael: What happened to the lights?

Lindsay: Isn’t this better? Doesn’t this just want to make you curl up and forget about the world?

Michael: Lindsay, we need the lights so that people... Where are these people going?

Lindsay: I’m taking them out to lunch.

Michael: Did you reserve a restaurant? Are they taking their own cars?

Lindsay: Oh, they’ll figure something out.

Michael: No, they won’t. You don’t have a plan? I told you these people are sheep, and they’ll wander off and you’ll lose the sheep. You’ve lost the sheep.

Lindsay: Oh, they’ll be fine.

Narrator: In the parking lot, the employees boarded the bus Lupe had rented for her family reunion, thinking Lindsay had reserved it for lunch.

Michael: Well, I need this proposal, I don’t know how they can walk off and just hope...

Lindsay: Right here, Michael.

Michael: Hm?

Lindsay: You weren’t here, and everything got done while I was in charge. See? Not so hard what you do.

Michael: You just got lucky this once. You really think I could leave here, and everything would be fine?

Lindsay: I think everything will be fine, but you? I don’t think you can leave.

Michael: Well, Lindsay, if I didn’t have that phone call from the zoning committee...

Lindsay: You’d have no reason to live. I’ll have it forwarded to your cell.

Michael: Great! I’ll leave. Not a problem. I can spend some time with my son. So you’re in charge. Try not to bring the whole company down.

Lindsay: Like that’s even possible.


Narrator: So the Bluth employees headed off to Catalina, providing the surveillance team that had installed the lighting, and opportunity they needed.

Agent Cummings: Hey, the place is empty.

Agent Harris: All right... let’s get in there and bring this company down.


Narrator: At prison, George, Sr. was making converts to his new way of life.

George, Sr.: You won’t regret this, Little... Justice. Uh, let’s say from now on we call you David Ben-Avram.

White Power Bill: What are you doing to my guy here?

George, Sr.: Oh, nothing. I’m just merely providing him with options. This yarmulke will protect you, David Ben-Avram.

Inmate: Pipe! Pipe!

White Power Bill: I got worse plans for you if you keep trying to convert my team.

George, Sr.: Okay, hold on. Hold it now, hold it. Now I’m doing no such thing and both of our religions have a lot to offer. There’s the Jewish notion of heaven, and that it can be obtained here on earth, and there is your belief in the cleansing power of the pipe.

White Power Bill: No more teaching from you.

George, Sr.: No teaching, no teaching.

Narrator: It was at that moment that George Sr. reunited with his son-in-law.

George, Sr.: Tobias, what the hell are you doing here?

Tobias: I’m here to study with you. To learn from you. Teach me.

George, Sr.: There’s no teaching. There’s no teaching.

White Power Bill: Who is this little (bleep)?

Tobias: Well, it’s been quite a while since anybody’s called me a tyke, but no, I am Dr. Tobias Fünke, or with your help, Frightened Inmate #2. And who is this shiny building of a man?

George, Sr.: Oh, I’m very scared right now.

Tobias: Oh, we’re starting. Oh, yes. Let me get something to write with.


Narrator: Back at the banana stand, Annyong had arrived.

George Michael: Guys, it looks like we’re going to have to restock our nuts tonight. Now listen, I know that that’s nobody’s favorite Saturday night, but I think if we just power through and keep our heads down, you know, we might be able to...

Maeby: Annyong and I are fine here. You don’t have to worry...

Annyong: Annyong.

Maeby: You don’t have to worry so much. I mean, obviously your dad doesn’t want to spend time with you, but, you know, go to the beach or whatever.

George Michael: He’s just not around, okay?

Annyong: He no have father? Old lady adopt him, too?

Maeby: No, he have father. Father no love him.

George Michael: No, he love me. Um, loves me. He loves me. So, alright, maybe I will take a little... time off and go to the beach or something.

Annyong: I went to beach once. Next thing I know, I’m in crate next to pig.

Narrator: Instead, George Michael had decided to leave for his father’s office and have lunch with him. Meanwhile the white collar Bluth Company employees made it through the first leg of the journey and were about to embark on the second.


Narrator: And Lucille, taking Michael’s advice, returned from Quantity Plus with a problem.

Lucille: Lupe! Buster? Annyong? Hello?

Narrator: With Lupe gone, and the rest of her family working for once, Lucille realized she missed them.

Lucille: Well, now, who the hell is going to unload the car? (Into phone.) Hola? Is Rosa still alive? No? Oh. Okay. This is not my day.


Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, stopped by to say hello to his son and found out he had gone to the beach. So Michael went to find George Michael and also try to figure out a solution for his space problem. And then he decided that perhaps he, too, should try a little relaxation.


Narrator: Back at the construction site, G.O.B. was also ready to take the afternoon off.

G.O.B.: Screw this. I have my pride. I don’t care how much they’re paying me.

Foreman: You got paid? I thought we were all making sacrifices.

G.O.B.: Yeah, well, maybe it’s time for some of those big shots at the Bluth Company to start making some sacrifices. I say we shut down construction!

Buster: Wait. Hey, what’s happening? Why are we stopping? This is fun. We should do this just for the fun.

G.O.B.: Easy for him to say. He got his paycheck, too.

Workers: What? What the hell? Unbelievable. That’s not right.

Buster: Come on, you douche bags, we’re all on the same team!

G.O.B.: Don’t listen to him. He’ll never stand up to the Man. He’s a chicken. A chicken. Coka, coka, coka, coh!

Buster: My whole life you’ve called me a chicken. But that’s over now. I have nothing to prove.

G.O.B.: Coka, coka, coh! Coka, coka, coka, coh! Coka, coka, coka...

Buster: That is not how a chicken sounds. Chickens don’t clap! Chickens don’t clap!

Foreman: This is not how we settle things on a site. We got our own way of finding out who’s a chicken. By a little game we like to call... “Chicken.”

G.O.B.: I hope you’re up to this, Buster! This is a game of courage! A game for men!

Buster: Yeah, well, it’s a game I’m ready for! Uh-oh, my seat doesn’t have a cushion.

Foreman: Ready, go!

Buster: Oh, yeah, I’m definitely gonna need a cushion.


Narrator: As the Bluth brothers squared off, Lindsay dealt with the news of the work stoppage.

Lindsay: This wasn’t my fault. I thought you were Michael.

George Michael: So wait, my dad’s not here?

Lindsay: Nope, he went out for lunch, to have fun. But everything’s fine. I mean, if he asks, everything’s fine. My style works. This place is humming along.

George Michael: So wait, my dad said that he was waiting for a call, that he had to stay here.

Lindsay: Oh, no, he can get that call anywhere. I just have to forward it to him. Hey... would you mind running things for a little while?

George Michael: Well, I’m-I’m not really...

Lindsay: It’s not hard.

Narrator: And so Lindsay headed off to deal with the work stoppage problem at the site.


Narrator: Lindsay knew Michael would be furious if he found out the building had stopped, so she had to find a way to start it, and that’s when she came across Lupe’s family.

Lindsay: Hey! Who’s ready to have some fun?


Narrator: Meanwhile, Michael continued his relaxation at the beach.

Michael: Okay, these units aren’t too close together. We can get away with this, right, people? All right, just... speed it up. Come on. Keep your heads down and power through.

Michael: Oh, no. Where is... where’s my phone?

Boy #1: I used it to dig the “B” unit.

Michael: You what?

Boy #1: I’ll get it.

Michael: Oh, no! You’re going to ruin it! What am I doing?

Michael: Hello?

George Michael: Hi, Dad.

Michael: Hey, George Michael, where are you?

George Michael: I’m at the office. Lindsay put me in charge here ’cause there’s nobody here, and she had to go to the construction site ’cause the workers stopped working.

Michael: Oh, great. Now we’re never gonna finish phase three, and everything’s gonna fall apart. This whole thing is gonna cave in, and we’re gonna be left with a bunch of... Great. Now my sand castle has a giant pool in it.

Narrator: And that’s when Michael saw the solution to his space problem.

Michael: I got to go, buddy.

George Michael: He’s making a sand castle?

Narrator: George Michael noticed something, too. He knew his father had always loved him, but at this moment, he was actually holding the proof in his hands. Unfortunately, it was at this moment that the investigators went into action.

Agent Harris: There’s a kid.

Agent Cummings: Cover is blown. Get out.

Agent #3: I’ve got a clean shot over here.

All: No!

Agent Harris: Get the proof. He’s got the evidence file.

Agent Cummings: I told you to find a stud!


Narrator: And back at the construction site, Buster and G.O.B.’s showdown was reaching a dramatic conclusion.

Buster: Oh! Oh, no!

Construction Worker: Wow. Who won?

Narrator: And for the first time, G.O.B. saw his brother as a man.

G.O.B.: Let’s get back to work, guys.

Construction Worker: Go to hell. Let’s get...

Narrator: And Lindsay arrived... suddenly, trying a new management style.

Lindsay: Okay, so you guys don’t want to work? Fine. I’ve got a stair car full of Mexican laborers that would love a day’s work.

Lupe's Uncle: Laborers? I’m a professor of American studies at the University of Mexico City.

Buster: I took a dance class there.

Lupe: I thought you were taking us to Catalina. What happened to Catalina?

Foreman: You’d bring in scabs, just like that?

Lindsay: Watch me. Go to work!

Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We’re shutting it down.

Lindsay: Michael, I’ve solved this.

Michael: No, it’s not you. It’s me. It’s wrong. The plan is wrong. We got to get rid of the individual swimming pools and put in a great big communal one right in the center. And, Lindsay, you were right. We’ve all been working a little bit too hard. You can’t manage by threatening and pushing people. And sometimes you have to reward hard work. Maybe reward it with a party.

Michael: I didn’t mean tonight— just sometime in the future when we have some extra food and liquor.

Lucille: Lupe! Lupe, I need help with the groceries!

Lindsay: How about just liquor?

Narrator: And the two Bluth men finally did relax.

Michael: Thanks for coming out, buddy. I’ve been dying to get some time with you, I really have.

George Michael: That’s okay. I know how much you care about me. Unfortunately, so does the federal government. Want more punch?

Michael: Sure. Hey, the Feds?


Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets an insight into fear ...

Tobias: Well, let’s discuss this bunking situation.

White Power Bill: You’ll be sleeping under me for a while.

George, Sr.: I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.


Narrator: ... and the employees find a new direction.

Shepherd: Whoa, whoa, what’re you folks doing on this part of the mountain?

Ted: We’re lost.

Shepherd: Well, I can give you a ride back into town. Come on, let’s go. Bugs, Banjo, get on up here. Come on, boy. Get... Here... There you go.