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Transcript of The One Where They Build a House

Transcript of "The One Where They Build a House"
Written by: Mitchell Hurwitz & Jim Vallely

Season Two, Episode Two

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Mo Collins as Starla
Mae Whitman as Ann Veal
Judy Greer as Kitty Sanchez
John Beard as Himself
Tom Jane as Himself
Zitto Kazann as Mexican Warden
Tom Konkle as Board Member #1
Christian Duguay as Actor #2
James Kayten as Army Doctor
Robb Skyler as Accountant
Kevin Mukherji as Foreign Cashier
Paco Vela as Federale


The following is the transcript of the Season Two episode "The One Where They Build a House". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"The One Where They Build a House" was written by Mitchell Hurwitz and Jim Vallely.


Narrator: Michael Bluth was at home working on a plan to save the company.

Michael: How’s this for a business model? We make the company look like it’s in the black by starting construction on the Phase Two development. I know what you’re thinking— we’re not in the black. How are we going to build 30 houses without any money? We don’t. We build one. Then we have a huge ribbon-cutting ceremony while we’re raising the funds for the others.

Narrator: Michael’s father always unveiled his construction projects with a highly-publicized ribbon-cutting ceremony. He even did so for the prison he built and, somewhat ironically, would later occupy.

Michael: The only difference is, this time I get to cut the ribbon. What do you think?

Lindsay: There’s a cream with real diamonds in it. I can actually smear diamonds on my face! And it’s only $400 a tub! That’s, like, what, like, a million diamonds for $400? A million bleeping diamonds!

Michael: Okay.

Tobias: Is she on you about that diamond cream?

Lindsay: My husband’s jealous because, since we decided to have an open marriage, I’ve been doing a little better than he has.

Tobias: It is not a competition, Lindsay. We are doing this to save our marriage. But I should be telling you that I have been meeting more than my fair share of groupies. Or should I say “blue-pies”?

Narrator: Tobias had recently auditioned as an understudy for the silent performance-art trio, the “Blue Man Group.”


Tobias: And this is “Kids,” from Bye Bye Birdie.

Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.

End cutaway

Maeby: You guys think you have the guts to go through with this? Seeing other people?

Narrator: In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it.

Tobias: I already have.

Lindsay: I have, too.


Lindsay: Can I buy you a drink?

Man #2: No.

Narrator: Lindsay, because she’d lost her self-confidence.

Man #2: I’d like to buy you a drink. Where’s she going?

Narrator: And Tobias because he was busy keeping an eye on Lindsay.

End cutaway

Lindsay: Who are you going to bring to this ribbon-cutting dance?

Michael: It’s not a dance, and you don’t need a date. Although... George Michael, I’d love for you to come with me when I cut the ribbon at the new house.

George Michael: Oh, wow. Hey, can I bring Ann?

Michael: Who?

George Michael: Ann. You know, she’s... She’s the girl I’m kind of hanging out with.

Michael: I haven’t met Ann.

George Michael: Yes, you have.

Narrator: Michael had met Ann.

George Michael: You let her in. See, that’s ... That’s her right over there.

Michael: Oh, Ann. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I know Ann. Hey, you! She’s got a little hard-boiled egg going there?

George Michael: Oh, it’s so cute. She sometimes takes a little pack of mayonnaise, and she’ll squirt it in her mouth all over, and then she’ll take an egg and kind of... Mmmm! She calls it a “mayonegg.” Are you okay?

Michael: I don’t feel so good.

George Michael: You know, I kind of want to buy her a diamond.

Michael: Her?

George Michael: Ann. I know I can’t afford it, but Aunt Lindsay was telling me about this diamond cream...

Michael: George Michael, I’m sure that Egg is a very nice person. I just don’t want you spending all your money...

George Michael: Ann.

Michael: ... getting her all glittered up for Easter, you know? More importantly, I want us to do this together— kind of like a father-son sort of thing, you know? And since Pop is no longer president, we get to do it.

George Michael: But I thought G.O.B. was president now.

Michael: Yeah, and I don’t have any problem with that.


Narrator: In fact, since Michael’s father escaped from prison, his brother G.O.B. had been made president, albeit, in name only, which is why Michael was surprised when he got to work the next day.

Michael: Ah, you’re still in my office.

G.O.B.: Gosh, Michael, I am kind of the president.

Michael: And I have no problem with that, but it is just a title, remember? I’m just doing this to appease the stockholders while they scrutinize me for Dad’s crimes.

G.O.B.: Hey, look, Dad may have illegally built some homes in Iraq, which is kind of not cool...

Michael: But that’s why I’ve got a business model that I think is going to restore the image of our company. We’re going to build a second model home.

G.O.B.: That’s great; can I announce it to the board?

Michael: Gee, it is my business model. I mean, if you had a business model, then by all means, you go in there and do...

G.O.B.: Tell you what we’re going to do. Rock-paper-scissors for it.

Michael: No, no, I’m not...

G.O.B.: One, two, three... Paper covers rock.

Michael: Ah, it is a rock, though. Should beat everything.

G.O.B.: There’s not a lot of logic to it. It’s kind of like on a boat with women and children first. (Laughing.) I mean, why should they...? Before I forget, I’m buying a company boat.

Michael: Sorry?


Narrator: That morning, G.O.B. had gone to a boat show where he saw something he wanted.

G.O.B.: Hello.

Starla: Hi.

G.O.B.: What a beauty.

Starla: Thank you.

G.O.B.: I meant you.

Starla: Well...

Narrator: G.O.B. flirted with her for awhile, and finally asked for her number.

G.O.B.: Let’s get some digits.

Starla: Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t give it out without a firm offer.

G.O.B.: Oh, I’ll make you a firm offer.

Narrator: Unfortunately, she wasn’t flirting.

Boat Salesman: And here again, please.

End cutaway

G.O.B.: The Seaward.

Michael: You’re not getting a boat.

G.O.B.: One, two, three...

Michael: Not gonna do it.

G.O.B.: Paper covers rock.

Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.

Lucille: Michael?

Michael: Mom, I-I’m right in the middle of something.

Michael: (To G.O.B.) Get rid of the Seaward.

Lucille: I’ll leave when I’m good and ready. It’s about your Uncle Oscar. I want him to move in with you.

Michael: You’re not kicking him out already, are you?


Narrator: Michael’s uncle had recently moved into Lucille’s apartment where they quickly rekindled a long-dormant romance. It was a secret she hoped to keep...

Lucille: Oscar, we’ll be heard.

Narrator: ...and he didn’t.

Oscar: That’s what makes it so hot.

Buster: Mother? Mother, what’s going...? I heard zoo noises.

Lucille: It’s nothing; go back to bed.

Oscar: So... everybody’s still up, huh?

End cutaway

Lucille: It’s not fair to Buster. He’s a nervous wreck right now. He’s going into the Army, for God’s sake.

Michael: You volunteered him.

Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

Michael: Don’t worry about it. They’re never going to take him.


Narrator: At that moment, Buster was taking his physical at the recruitment center.

Buster: ...hole in my heart. I’ve never opened my eyes underwater. My, um... genital area... is shaped like a... lobster tail, but without its shell. Uh, oh, I guess I have the panic attacks under control. Oh, and I’m legally blind at night.

Narrator: But Buster had miscalculated the Army’s current need for personnel.

Army Doctor: Okay, then, let’s get you fitted for a uniform.

Buster: What?

End cutaway

Michael: Hey, why don’t you volunteer Oscar? That would solve both your problems.

Lucille: He’d never cut his hair. That hair...

Michael: Listen, Oscar’s your problem. I’m taking care of everything else in this family, including starting construction on a second model home. We’re having a ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Lucille: Michael, we can’t have a ribbon cutting without your father, and he’s God knows where.


Narrator: George Sr. was in Mexico with his escape accomplice and ex-secretary, Kitty...

Kitty: Eggs. It must be my unconscious desire to have a baby. Oh, my God, can you even imagine how cute the combination of the two of us would be? I mean, we’re all out of prophylacticos anyway. Somebody used the last two on his feet to walk across the bathroom floor.

Narrator: ...but he was growing tired of their confined intimacy.

George: I’ve made a huge mistake.


George: Hey, it’s me.

G.O.B.: Dad?

George: Listen, I got to make this quick. You’re the only one who can save the family. But you got to keep the company strong, because I’m going to need some of that money later.

G.O.B.: I will, Dad. It’s funny, after all these years of you making fun of me for the magic shows, and...

George: G.O.B.? Oh, for God’s...! I called to talk to Michael, you horse’s...

Operator: Gracias para usar Tijuana Bell.

Narrator: G.O.B. was hurt.

G.O.B.: Bye, Pop.

Michael: Hey, whoa-whoa. Was that Dad?

G.O.B.: Yeah. I had to, uh, jump off.

Michael: You just had Dad on the phone? Where was he?

G.O.B.: No way to tell, really; Portugal, (Mumbling.) down South America way...

Michael: Well, did he want to talk to me?

G.O.B.: No. He wanted to talk to the president.

Michael: I have no problem with that.

Narrator: Michael was also hurt. And George Sr. was brutally hurt when he was mistaken for his twin brother, Oscar.

Federale: ¡Por la venta la marijuana!

George: Marijuana? No, no, that’s my brother. “Brothero. Brothero.”


Narrator: That night, Lindsay headed to the club to try again to meet someone. Soon, having struck out again, she spotted a man who looked interesting. He had the lean look, effortless hair and dressed down manner of a movie star.

Tom Jane: Buy me a drink?

Lindsay: I think the bars are closing.

Tom Jane: I know a place.

Narrator: It was at that point that Lindsay had a startling revelation.

Foreign Cashier: Uh, uh, uh, get out, get out, get out! Out, out, out, out! No homeless in here.

Lindsay: “Homeless”? Oh, you’re homeless? You’re gross.

Tom Jane: Oh.


Lucille: Oh, God.

Buster: They’re taking me in the Army. They didn’t think there was enough wrong with me.

Lucille: Well, did they check everything?

Buster: Yes! They even touched my Charlie Browns. You lied to me. You said I wasn’t fit to serve!

Oscar: All right, let’s calm down, people. Um, I think I know a little bit about avoiding combat duty. Now, which pinky do you use less?

Lucille: Are you nuts?! Do you know what I went through to have this boy?

Oscar: Oh, I know where the boy came from.

Buster: Wait. Why were you in the pantry?


Narrator: And Lucille realized it was time to end whatever it was she had with Oscar. The next day, Michael was ready to wow the board with his new business model.

Michael: As I told my brother, the president, if we start construction on a second model home, we can be cutting this ribbon within two months.

G.O.B.: And I said, “That’s why you’re no longer president. Two weeks! Let’s do it in two weeks!” Hey!!!

Michael: No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Could we stop the music? I’m not as optimistic that we can get that done. G.O.B., I think we both agreed that we would do things your way if you had a business model. Do you have a business model?

G.O.B.: I am so happy that you asked me that, Michael, because I just happen to have a business model right here. Meet Starla, the new Bluth Company business model for our Phase Two campaign!

Starla: Bluth Homes— Solid as a Rock.

G.O.B.: We’ll see you at the ribbon-cutting in two weeks! If my brother doesn’t screw it up first. Hey!!!

Narrator: G.O.B. had just committed Michael to building a model home in two weeks.

Michael: We can’t build a house in two weeks. Also, I’m not so sure how “solid as a rock” helps people forget the fact that we built houses in Iraq.

G.O.B.: I love that.

Michael: But you probably know best, because...

G.O.B.: We don’t have to build a real house, Michael. Like you said, it’s all for appearances anyway. We throw up a couple of walls... We build a fake one.

Michael: What are you talking about?

G.O.B.: Nothing on the inside.

Michael: I’ll never get a crew to build it. They’d lose their licenses.

G.O.B.: Then you build it yourself, damn it! Hey, there she is. My little business model. Sorry about that “build it yourself” crap. I was thinking I might take her to the ribbon cutting. You end up finding a date yet?

Michael: No.


Narrator: As Michael grew frustrated by his relationship with G.O.B., Lucille tried to end hers with Oscar.

Lucille: I want you out of the house.

Oscar: Oh, I want you everywhere.

Lucille: Oscar, no. I can’t have this in my life anymore. I’m a married woman.

Oscar: Lucille, you want to leave, I won’t chase after you. But before you do, ask yourself— where’s your husband? Because I am here. I’m real, I am flesh and blood and hair.

Lucille: Oh, God, that hair. What will people say?

Oscar: They’ll say those people... are in love.

Narrator: In fact, that night the evening news report said something very different.

John Beard: Lucille Bluth, caught on tape breathing life into a homeless man. The surprising home video at 10:00.


Narrator: And Michael prepared to build a house.

Lindsay: Two weeks? But what if my dates aren’t available?

Michael: I’m trying to get a last minute crew together, Lindsay. Your inability to get a man interested is not at the top of my list.

Lindsay: Oh, I’ve got a man interested, Michael.

Michael: What’s wrong with him?

Lindsay: There’s nothing wrong with him. He is homeless. Well, I didn’t know he was homeless at the time. It’s humiliating.

Maeby: Is this about Gangee’s homeless guy?

Michael: Gangee’s homeless guy?

Maeby: Yeah, it’s all over the news. Gangee gave CPR to a homeless guy on the beach.

Narrator: Lindsay felt respect for her mother, and decided that perhaps she could overcome her pride and help someone, too.

Lindsay: I’ve got someone for your crew, Michael. My boyfriend. The homeless guy. I wonder if he even has an apartment or anything.

Michael: Hello.

Lucille: Did you see the news? Your Uncle Oscar forced himself on me at the beach today, and I didn’t have my horn.

Michael: Of course. It was Uncle Oscar. Mom, you’re not having an affair with him, are you?

Lucille: You’re building a house. I want you to give it to him.

Michael: It’s not a real house.

Lucille: Perfect, he’s not a real man.


Narrator: And George Sr. made his case to the Mexican police.

George: I’ve been beaten up here. I tell you, I’m George, I’m not Oscar, I’m George!

Mexican Warden: The cornballer.

George: Sí, the cornballer.


Narrator: George Sr. had marketed a device called the Cornballer in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.

End flashback

George: Why, did you have one?

Mexican Warden: Sí.


Narrator: Lindsay meanwhile, was having trouble...

Lindsay: ...great body.

Narrator: ...finding her homeless man.

Lindsay: He looked like a movie star.

Narrator: In fact, the man looked like a movie star because he was a movie star.

Lindsay: Oh, out here? Okay.

Narrator: His name was Tom Jane, and he was making two movies for a major studio. One was a gritty personal project about a junkie’s life, which he only got to do in exchange for making a rigidly formulaic popcorn movie. He was living on the streets researching his role.

Lindsay: Hey, homeless guy.

Tom Jane: Hey.

Lindsay: I’m not proud of the way I was so grossed out when I found out you were gross before.

Tom Jane: You really thought I was gross, huh?

Lindsay: Well, at first I thought you were kind of hot, but... I hadn’t looked closely enough. Listen, I have a construction job for you. And if you clean yourself up, who knows, you might actually get a date out of this. Okay.

Tom Jane: See ya.


Michael: Okay, we’ve all made some sacrifices to be here, but we all want the same thing.

Oscar: I want to live here.

George Michael: I want to buy Ann some diamond dust.

Buster: I’m just hoping to get mildly injured so I can get out of the Army.

Michael: Bottom line is, we’ve got two weeks to build a house. Doesn’t have to be good, just has to look good.

Tom Jane: I just want my kids back.

Vote: ***** / Average: 4.60 (122 votes)

Narrator: And so the guys went to work. Things didn’t go smoothly at first. Buster looked for ways to hurt himself. But soon, the project came together when G.O.B. stopped by.

G.O.B.: Now we’re building a house.

Michael: Yeah, I’m pretty proud.

G.O.B.: So, what do you think? Did I do this, or what?

Starla: Seems like your brother did it.

G.O.B.: My brother does what I tell him to do. I’m the president.

Starla: Where’s your “P”?

G.O.B.: Huh? Oh, not again.

Starla: I got it.

G.O.B.: Hey, sorry about that “My brother does what I tell him to do” crap, but I want this to be perfect for when I cut the ribbon tomorrow.

Michael: You’re cutting the ribbon? I kind of thought that, since I built it, I might go ahead and...

G.O.B.: Yeah, okay. Can you imagine how that’d look to the board? The construction worker cutting the ribbon? No, no, that’s a job for the president.

Narrator: Michael had a problem with that. G.O.B. had taken away something Michael always wanted,

G.O.B.: We got the “P”!

Narrator: and now it was Michael’s turn to take something from G.O.B.... Starla.


Narrator: And later, Michael set about his plan to woo Starla.

Michael: G.O.B., do you have Starla’s phone number? I got a few business things I’d like to go over with the business model.

G.O.B.: Guess who was just over her? Don’t. I’ll tell you. Me.

Michael: Hmm?

G.O.B.: I bleeped the business model.

Narrator: Actually, they just made out.

G.O.B.: Yeah. She had all kinds of orgasms. Imagine that. I finally nailed somebody you weren’t after.

Michael: That’s it. I’ve worked too hard and too long for you to keep getting all the credit, all right? I built that company. I built that house. And I’m going to be cutting the ribbon whether we’re all pretending that you’re president or not.

G.O.B.: Yeah, sure, I just wanted...

Michael: You just wanted what?

G.O.B.: I just wanted you to be impressed with me. Dad never was. Never said a nice thing about me.

Michael: He called you the other day. He didn’t even want to talk to me.

G.O.B.: Of course he did. Never wants to talk to me. Never has.

Michael: Cut the ribbon.

G.O.B.: Really?

Michael: Yeah, how ’bout that?

G.O.B.: Michael...

Michael: I have no problem with it. All right? Take it easy.

G.O.B.: Thank you, partner.

Michael: Come on.


Narrator: The next day, the Bluth family prepared to unveil Phase Two.

Michael: Have you seen your Uncle G.O.B. around?

George Michael: No, and I can’t find that diamond dust that Aunt Lindsay bought for me.

Michael: Oh, well, your Aunt Lindsay has probably taken it. She’s just a taker.

George Michael: This is your chance, huh, with the big ribbon-cutters? After all these years...

Michael: Well, actually, I figured give G.O.B. a chance. You know, the guy doesn’t get a whole lot of attention in this family.

Starla: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the Bluth Company, Gob Bluth.

G.O.B.: My brother wasn’t optimistic it could be done, but I didn’t take “wasn’t optimistic it could be done” for an answer.

Starla: Whoo!

G.O.B.: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Phase Two of the Bluth Company: a house truly solid as a rock.

Narrator: But as it turns out, Michael was right to not be optimistic it could be done. And Buster saw the chance he’d been waiting for to be hurt and to keep out of the Army. But instead got a glimpse inside.

Buster: I can’t look at that.

Narrator: Unfortunately, Tobias had to.

Tobias: I got the wrong homeless man. I am sorry. I was looking for Lindsay.

Buster: You lied to me. You both lied to me! I’m going to war.

Lucille: Buster, you can’t!

Buster: Yes, I can. I don’t agree with your dirty doings here, but I will defend with my life your right to do it.

G.O.B.: You planned this all out, didn’t you, Michael?

Michael: No, I didn’t. I had no crew. I had no time.

G.O.B.: You set me up.

Narrator: G.O.B. charged at Michael with the scissors, but Michael,

Michael: Put it down.

Narrator: as he always did, picked rock...

G.O.B.: Make it collapse. Make me look foolish.

Michael: G.O.B., don’t do this. G.O.B., the scissors!

Narrator: ...which beat scissors.


Michael: Nobody looks good in this.

G.O.B.: Especially that little dude.

Michael: That’s Ann.

G.O.B.: Who?

Michael: It doesn’t matter. Listen. You know I didn’t set you up, okay? I really think the only reason you and I always fight is that since we were little kids, Dad’s always played us off each other.

G.O.B.: Dad always said that was your fault.

Michael: Anyway, what we ought to do is make a decision right now not to let Dad get in the middle of our relationship anymore. I mean, he’s not even in town, and we’re fighting about it.

G.O.B.: We’re grown men.

Michael: Yeah, let’s just move on.

G.O.B.: I mean, look at me. I’m the president of a company now. Oh, that’s Dad’s line. I bet he saw the paper.

Michael: Listen, if you want my respect, you won’t answer that, okay? It’s just going to cause more problems.

George: Hello? They hung up. They hung up on me. Hi, you guys. Well, I couldn’t get that money.

Michael: I’m impressed you hung up on him.

G.O.B.: Did I hang up on him? I meant to hit speaker.

Michael: Oh, well, you got to hit the line first...

G.O.B.: No, I understand— both of them at the same time.

Michael: These are the lines...

G.O.B.: But she said... Look, could we...?

Michael: There’s a line right here, G.O.B., hey...

G.O.B.: It’s line...

Michael: I don’t want to wait until Dad’s dead for us to get along.

Narrator: But it was too late, as George Sr. would be declared dead within the hour.

Michael: From now on, we support each other.

G.O.B.: We start with a clean slate.

Michael: Yeah.

G.O.B.: We almost did it, though, didn’t we? We almost pulled it off.

Michael: No, it wasn’t even close.

G.O.B.: Yeah, a lot of people got hurt.

Michael: This was very, very bad.

G.O.B.: I agree. I agree.


Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds out the true identity of her homeless man.

Lindsay: Look at you.

Tom Jane: Look, uh, you’re a really nice chick, but, um, I’m not homeless. I’m Tom Jane.

Narrator: And even though Lindsay didn’t know who that was, hearing that he wasn’t homeless was good enough for her.

Lindsay: Buy me a drink?

Tom Jane: Oh, you’re really sweet, but no. I’m Tom Jane.

Narrator: And Lindsay, crushed and alone, for the first time missed her husband Tobias.

Lindsay: Tobias...

Tobias: Lindsay, um...

Lindsay: Is that George Michael’s diamond cream?

Tobias: Oh, yes, well, I-I ran out of blue, and I couldn’t find anything else. I think my nipples are bleeding, though I don’t know if you’re supposed to use quite this much, but I... That guy’s a jerk.

Lindsay: No, I am.

Tobias: No... no... I am, because I think I need to go to the hospital right away and-and see if I can’t get some of this diamond dust vacuumed from out of my lungs. This way.