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Transcript of Visiting Ours

Transcript of "Visiting Ours"
Written by: John Levenstein & Richard Rosenstock

Season One, Episode Six

Jason Bateman as Michael Bluth
Portia de Rossi as Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Will Arnett as G.O.B.
Michael Cera as George Michael Bluth
Alia Shawkat as Maeby Fünke
Tony Hale as Buster Bluth
David Cross as Tobias Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor as George Bluth
Jessica Walter as Lucille Bluth
Ron Howard as Narrator

Guest Starring:
Bob Odenkirk as Phil Gunty
Judy Greer as Kitty Sanchez
Rocky McMurray as Warden James Buck
Ski Carr as Batter
Tom Kiesche as Umpire/Guard


The following is the transcript of the Season One episode "Visiting Ours". Memorable quotes are highlighted below.

"Visiting Ours" was written by John Levenstein & Richard Rosenstock.

Act 1[]

Narrator: Michael Bluth was visiting his father in prison, anxious to get to the bottom of some mysterious bookkeeping.

Michael: It just doesn’t make any sense, Dad. I mean, where’d this money come from and why did it end up in the international accounts file?

Narrator: George, Sr. was also anxious, but less about the bookkeeping.

George, Sr.: This game is never gonna happen. Look at this—half of these guys, they’re still in their cuffs.

Michael: I hate to be a buzz kill, but I’m trying to get you out of here.

George, Sr.: Yeah, well, I’m trying to get us out of last place, Michael. We’re playing Rahway next week. Word has it that they’re getting Jose Canseco.

Michael: I’m starting to wonder why I even bother coming.

George, Sr.: That is ridiculous.

Michael: You won’t even talk to me.

George, Sr.: I’m catcher or I’m nothing.


Narrator: Frustrated by his father, Michael returned to work, where his assistant, Kitty, greeted him with some startling news.

Kitty: Your wife’s on line one.

Narrator: Michael’s wife had been dead for two years.

Michael: My what?

Narrator: Kitty realized her mistake.

Kitty: I said, “Your wife is on line one.”

Narrator: But not immediately.

Kitty: Oh, oh, God, I’m sorry. George’s wife. Your mother.  

Kitty: I’m so used to being George’s assistant.

Narrator: Kitty had been George, Sr.’s fiercely loyal assistant for years. And Michael suspected that she had the information he needed.

Michael: Hey, Kitty. Listen, you wouldn’t know if we had any documentation on those international accounts, would you?

Kitty: That’s actually not any of your business... my business. That’s not any of my business.  

Michael: (In phone.) Hey, Mom.

Lucille: Are you aware that we have been downgraded to being just pool members at the club now?

Michael: Yeah, it’s a real shame what’s going on with this family. You’re stuck by the pool and Dad’s getting picked last for softball.

Lucille: Nonetheless, Michael, you can free up a little company money to get back our golf privileges.

Michael: No, I can’t, Mom. You don’t even play golf.

Lucille: No, but I use the clubhouse dining room until I was turned away today. It’s embarrassing.

Lucille: Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched, I’d eat the inside of your ear.  

Lucille: You should see the looks I’m getting. Fine, if you can’t free up the cash, have your father call the club president.

Michael: I’ve got news for you, Mom. I’m not visiting dad in jail anymore.

Michael: No, I’ve had it. I really have. You know, I’m down there every single day. I’m trying to do what I can to get this company back on track and he barely even acknowledges me.

Lucille: That is disgusting. Talk to your father. I will not stand for this.

Michael: G.O.B., can I, uh... get you to stop doing that?

G.O.B.: I’m just setting up an office. Got to write a strongly-worded letter to one Warden James Buck.

Narrator: In order to restore his career as an escape artist, G.O.B. had recently checked into prison as a publicity stunt.


Warden Buck: You think you can break out of my prison?

G.O.B.: You won’t even know I was here.

Narrator: But after a shiv to his side, G.O.B. was rushed to a local hospital, thus fulfilling, in G.O.B.’s mind, his contract with the public.

G.O.B.: Ta-da!

End flashback

Narrator: And yet, the warden had refused to acknowledge the legitimacy of the escape.

G.O.B.: I’m going after this guy with everything I’ve got. Art. Now, we are writing a letter.

Kitty: G.O.B.? I wish I would have known you were coming. I am a mess.

G.O.B.: Don’t know if a call from me would’ve changed that.  

Kitty: (Snorting laugh.) Do you like my outfit?

G.O.B.: Not as much as I like what’s underneath it.

Kitty: G.O.B.!

G.O.B.: No, I need your chair. Get up. I’ve got a letter to write.

Kitty: Whew, you’re all business. Just like your dad.

G.O.B.: My God, she’s repulsive.

Narrator: Michael realized that Kitty’s obvious attraction to G.O.B. could perhaps be of use to him.

Michael: G.O.B.... how would you like a touch lamp?


Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay and Tobias prepared for their first session with a therapist.

Lindsay: Yes, Tobias, I want the marriage to work. I just don’t know if therapy is the answer.

Tobias: Oh, right. Because you didn’t respect my old career and you certainly don’t respect my new one.

Lindsay: You don’t have a new one.

Narrator: Things have been tense since Tobias left his psychiatry practice to pursue an acting career.

Lindsay: I have needs, you know.

Tobias: And how am I not addressing your needs?

Lindsay: How can you even ask that? What is this?

Tobias: Oh, go right to that. Good, go right there. Real mature. Really great.


Tobias: Okay, kids. Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream.

Maeby: Can we come?

Lindsay: Sorry, it’s not for kids.  

Maeby: Well, now we have to follow them.

George Michael: Yeah. What? Okay... so why are we doing this?

Maeby: Cause it’s obvious they’re lying. Come on, drive!

George Michael: Well, what if they see us?

Maeby: How are they going to see us?

George Michael: Well, it says “Bluth Company” right on the side, plus it’s a stairway. That’s gonna catch the eye.


Narrator: The airport stairway vehicle was the last vestige of the Bluths’ former wealth.

Narrator: Also, that House Of Pies went out of business.

End cutaway

Maeby: You are scared. I knew it.

George Michael: No, I’m not scared. It’s just that... I have plans later. I’m visiting Pop-Pop.

Maeby: You visit Pop-Pop?


Narrator: In fact, he’d been terrified of the very notion of prison since, as a young boy, he accidentally watched HBO’s Oz, mistaking it for the classic Judy Garland musical.  

Man on Television: I’m an innocent man!

End flashback

George Michael: Lots of times.

Maeby: What’s it like?

George Michael: Hey, you know what you should do? You should go get your Mom’s datebook. Yeah, she must have written down where they’re going.

Maeby: Oh, hey, I still want to hear about prison, okay?

George Michael: I hope you can handle it.


Narrator: Michael arrived home in a good mood.

Narrator: With G.O.B. getting the information from Kitty, he would no longer have to visit prison and deal with his father.

Michael: Hey, Buddy? I came home early. Wanna do something? Anything, anything at all.

George Michael: I want to visit Pop-Pop in prison.


Narrator: Back at the office, G.O.B. was making progress with Michael’s assistant.

Kitty: Here’s where we keep all of our heavyweight paper.

G.O.B.: I bet you can show me where a lot of things are.

Kitty: What kind of things are you looking for?

G.O.B.: What... what are you hiding?

Kitty: Nothing you can’t find.

G.O.B.: Wait a second... wait, wait, wait. Take off your glasses. Oh... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let’s just get that hair right back up.  

Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.

G.O.B.: Yes, yes, please.

Kitty: How’s that? Is that better?

G.O.B.: It just seems like there’s still light coming in from under the door.


Narrator: And Lindsay and Tobias were, for the first time, addressing their marital problems.

Lindsay: It’s like we’re face-to-face now. Like we’re really seeing this marriage and I’m afraid it’s a lie.

Tobias: (Slow clapping.) Bravo. See, if I gave a performance that good, I’d have my own Alias-type show.  

Lindsay: Stop it. I am so sick of hearing about acting, acting, acting.

Dr. Gunty: Okay, okay, look—maybe we need a new approach. Um... let’s try some role-playing.

Tobias: (Clapping.) Yes! All right!


Narrator: Michael headed back to the prison, despite his earlier vow never to return.

George Michael: You always say, “family first.” I should see my grandpa, right?

Michael: Listen, I’m not stopping you, but just after this, I’m not going back out there.

George Michael: Why? Is it scary?

Michael: Scary? No. No, it’s the opposite of scary. It’s like a carnival. Without the half person on the skateboard that grabbed your knee to steady himself. It’s like a country club—all the guy does is eat ice cream and play softball all day.  


Narrator: In fact, George, Sr.’s softball game had taken most of the day. It was the 14th inning and tensions were running a little high.

George, Sr.: I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you call the next one a strike. My knees are killing me. Okay, no batter.

Umpire/Guard: Strike three.

Batter: Strike three, my ass.

George, Sr.: Oh... No batter, no. No batter. Shh...

End flashback

Michael: Okay, there he is. Now, go on in there and surprise him. I’m going to get us a few ice cream sandwiches. Go on... go on.

George Michael: Hey, Pop-Pop. How’s prison?

George, Sr.: I’m gonna die in here.

George Michael: What?

George, Sr.: They’re gonna kill Grandpa. I gotta... I gotta get out of here. I’m an innocent man. You’ve got to help Pop-Pop get out of here. Give me your hair. Give me your hair!  

Guard: Hey, no touching! No touching.

George, Sr.: Give me the hair.

Michael: One of these got smushed, but don’t let that ruin prison for you.

George, Sr.: (Softly.) No batter... no batter. No batter...


Narrator: I’m sure your grandfather was just kidding around. You know that’s his sense of humor.

George Michael: I know, I know. Yeah. I don’t... I don’t totally get the hair joke, but I’m fine, Dad.

Michael: Are you sure?

George Michael: Yeah.

Michael: I am going to head back in though, okay? I’ll see if Pop-Pop’s got any more zingers. Why don’t you just stay out here and relax, pal, okay? Watch the softball game.

George Michael: Okay.

Michael: I’ll be right back.

Guard: Hey! Stop! Stop!

George Michael: Dad?


George, Sr.: I don’t like prison anymore.

Michael: That’s why I’m trying to get you out of here.

George, Sr.: I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been in denial, but this place is breaking me, Mikey. I’m alone here but for you.

Michael: Come on. You got me, you got Mom.

George, Sr.: Your mother’s never shown her face.

Michael: Whoa! She’s never been here? You should have heard the grief she gave me when I said I’d never show up again.

George, Sr.: You said... you said what?

Michael: Dad, come on. You don’t need me. You’re playing softball all the time.

George, Sr.: I do need you, Michael. No more softball.

Michael: This is nuts, you know? You’re her husband. The least she can do is come out and visit you, right?

George, Sr.: God, you know your mom. This isn’t her crowd. She’s very easily threatened. You remember the carjacker?

Michael: Well, she’s certainly toughened up since then. You know, she’s eating lunch by the pool now.

George, Sr.: Well, there’s a big difference between the country club pool and the conjugal trailer.

Michael: That’s not what I meant when I said visiting.

George, Sr.: That’s too bad, because I really miss that personal contact. It was the one thing that calmed me when I got stressed. It just felt humanizing.

Narrator: Michael, for the first time, saw his father as a vulnerable human being.

George, Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael. I haven’t had sex in a month.

Michael: You know, you’ve been here two months.

George, Sr.: It’s hard to gauge time.

Michael: Yeah. I’ll bet.  


Michael: Hey, Mom, I went to go visit Dad today. Quick question: How long does it take you to get out there?

Lucille: Oh, I’ve never been.

Michael: Then why does he tell me that you’ve never been?

Lucille: (Belching.) Ooh! Sorry, Michael. Pool food. My system’s not used to curly fries.

Michael: How can you ignore that man? You know, he’s having a hard time in there. He’s lonely.

Lucille: That’s what his children are for.

Michael: Yeah? Well, you know, there are certain things that he can’t get from his children.

Lucille: If you’re going to say pride, Michael, you’re wrong. He is proud of his children.  

Michael: I wasn’t going to say pride, Mom. Uh... listen. I... I... I think that... I think that you should... Oh, I can’t believe I’m going to say this. I think that you should visit him in an intimate... marital... trailer.

Lucille: Are you mad?

Michael: You think I’m comfortable asking you to do this? I mean, he needs you, Mom.

Lucille: Did he say that? Did he say that he misses me? Does he need his wife’s embrace?


George, Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael.

End flashback

Michael: He said some wonderful things.

Lucille: You really want this for him, don’t you?

Michael: I do.

Lucille: Golf membership “want it”?


Narrator: Meanwhile, Lindsay and Tobias were getting to the heart of each other’s vulnerabilities with a role reversal exercise.

Tobias: Because I’m a woman...

Dr. Gunty: Good.

Tobias: ...with a woman’s needs..

Dr. Gunty: Louder.

Tobias: ...and a woman’s urges.

Dr. Gunty: Right.

Tobias: Please, Tobias. When was the last time you looked at these?

Lindsay: Yeah, okay. How long is this session?

Tobias: Okay, well, see, I don’t know what’s happening here. She’s breaking in and out of character.

Lindsay: I don’t want to be in a character.

Dr. Gunty: Okay, let me stop you guys, all right? Please, let me get in here.

Lindsay: Thank you.

Dr. Gunty: You’ve never been a real wife to me, Lindsay.

Tobias: That’s not true, and you know it! A man is looking back at you— a man with dreams and aspirations.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Maeby found an address in her mother’s appointment book, and was getting closer to learning what her parents were up to.

Tobias: ...David Schwimmer.

Dr. Gunty: What? If I’m no Schwimmer, you’re no Jennifer Aniston!  

Tobias: sobbing : ...I’m not even... Face it.

Dr. Gunty: I have dreams, Lindsay. Dreams... Lindsay.

Tobias: Well, then, Tobias... follow those dreams. Make those dreams happen.

Dr. Gunty: Yes, I will.

Lindsay: And, scene.

Dr. Gunty: Oh! Wow!

Tobias: Okay. I’m sorry. I stepped on your line.

Dr. Gunty: No, not at all.

Dr. Gunty: Lindsay, I mean, did that answer some questions for you?

Lindsay: Yeah, yeah, it did, yeah. Now there are two men I want to leave.


Narrator: Michael arrived home, happy to have a brother to share his recent burden with.

G.O.B.: Great news.

Michael: Oh, good, buddy. I could use it. I just came from convincing Mom to have sex with Dad.

G.O.B.: What? God! What is wrong with you? That is disgusting!

Michael: What’s wrong with you?

G.O.B.: Oh, I’m sorry. It was just the thought of Mom and Dad together. I have a sense of propriety, all right?

Michael: Fine. What’s your great news?

G.O.B.: I [bleep]ed Kitty.

Michael: Oh, G.O.B.! I just wanted you to get the information.

G.O.B.: I got the information.

Michael: You did, huh? About the international accounts?

G.O.B.: Oh, I see what you’re getting at. No, I didn’t get any information.  

Michael: That’s great. Good, good, good, G.O.B.. Well, you just lost the touch lamp.

G.O.B.: What? No, Mike! Come on!

Michael: No. The deal’s off. Forget it. I’m going to use the touch lamp to set the mood in the conjugal trailer when Dad’s nailing Mom.  

G.O.B.: No! Don’t... Michael! You are filthy!


Narrator: The two cousins reunited, each a little shaken by what they had pretended to be fearless about.

George Michael: So you think they’ll get divorced?

Maeby: I don’t care. I’m not saying I don’t care like kids who say they don’t care when they really do care, ’cause I really don’t care.

George Michael: Right, I know. Who cares, right?

Maeby: I mean I care.

George Michael: How could you not?

Maeby: You know our families are really messed up.

George Michael: I know. We’re like the only normal ones.

Maeby: At least we got each other, right?

Maeby: George Michael?

George Michael: Sorry. Sometimes I just don’t know if it’s going to be a long hug or a short hug or like a middle or a medium hug. It’s hard to tell sometimes. Yeah. It was, it was good. That’s plenty for now. Okay, hug’s gotta end sometime. Obviously.  


Narrator: Soon, Michael was driving Lucille to prison and she seemed to be looking forward to it.

Lucille: Where are we going after?


Michael: Hey, Dad.

George, Sr.: Michael. What are you doing here?

Michael: You needed my help an-and I know it’s hard for you to ask, so I took it upon myself to bring her.

George, Sr.: That doesn’t make you uncomfortable?

Michael: Well, yeah, the drive was a little awkward.

George, Sr.: Not every son would do this for his father. I... Thank you for this.

Lucille: Hello, George.

George, Sr.: What the hell is your mother doing in here?

Michael: What are you expecting?

George, Sr.: Oh, I’ve done a bad thing. I’ve done a terrible thing.

Michael: There’s someone else in that trailer— isn’t there?

George, Sr.: I’ve done a repulsive thing.

Michael: Wait, whoa. It’s Kitty?  

George, Sr.: Shh!

Michael: How long? When did this start?

George, Sr.: Oh, come on. This is the first time. Every Friday for the last eight years. Michael, Daddy...

Michael: Horny. I got that.

George, Sr.: Oh, come on. Hey, wait a minute. This is easy. This is the easy one. No, I-I’ll go, I’ll go in there with Kitty. I’ll do, I’ll do my thing and then, then I’ll go and see your mother. This is a hard one.

Michael: She’s your secretary.

George, Sr.: See, you’re right. Family first. Take care of Kitty. Michael. I need you now.

Michael: International accounts need me?

Narrator: And so an agreement was made. George, Sr. would reveal the truth, and Michael would make sure Kitty didn’t come out of the trailer.

G.O.B.: Yeah?

Michael: Hey, G.O.B., where are you? I need you to come to the prison.

G.O.B.: I’m at the prison.

Michael: You’re here?

G.O.B.: I’m delivering the strongly worded letter I wrote lit by nothing but natural light.

Michael: Well, how would you like that touch lamp and the office and, what the hell, full use of the secretary?


George, Sr.: Thank you for doing this. It means a... it means a lot. Okay, I’ll get down on the couch and...

Lucille: I’m not going to have sex with you, George. I came to tell you how much I hate you for what you’ve done to this family. You’ve ruined us.

George, Sr.: I’ve ruined us? You got a lot of nerve, honey. The millions you pissed away on clothing and jewelry and the spa treatments...

Lucille: Yes, to keep you interested in the only thing you ever appreciated—my body.

George, Sr.: Can I help it if you got a fantastic body?

Lucille: And you’re as powerful as a bear. My husband, the bear.

George, Sr.: Spare me some honey, wife.  

Lucille: Oh, I’ve missed you.


Narrator: G.O.B., meanwhile, stalled to keep Kitty in the other trailer.

G.O.B.: Glasses off. Glasses on. Hair up. Glasses off. Down, on. Have we done up, off?  

Kitty: Oh, G.O.B., this is so wrong.

G.O.B.: And bright. Wrong... and, and bright. Much better. Brighter. God, you know what? I’m gonna, uh, I’m just gonna wash up real quick.

Kitty: I think I’m gonna go with, with down and off.

Narrator: G.O.B. had to do the right thing. But as he headed to his car, he ran into the warden, who had just read his strongly worded letter.

Warden Buck: Well. If it isn’t Sincerely Yours.

Narrator: And so, G.O.B. was detained against the window of the trailer his parents were becoming intimate in.

G.O.B.: Oh, God, Mommy, what did you do?


Michael: Hey, buddy.

George Michael: Where were you?

Michael: I had to help out your grandfather and then I had to vow that I would never help your grandfather again. Pretty much a normal day for me. How are you doing?

George Michael: I’m fine, I guess. It’s just... You know, you think of prison as this place full of guilty people and it doesn’t bother you that much, but if Pop-Pop could be there, then anybody could be there, and I don’t want to go to prison, Dad. I don’t think I could take it. I mean, I know I act tough, but I...

Michael: Is this what you’re worried about? ’Cause, you know, I got news. He’s, uh... he’s guilty.

George Michael: He is?

Michael: Oh, yeah. Incredibly guilty.


Narrator: On the next Arrested Development... Tobias talks Lindsay into another session.

Dr. Gunty: And I decided that... I want to become an actor, too.


Narrator: And George, Sr. makes good on his promise to come clean on the international accounts.

George, Sr.: All right, there’s a good chance that I... that I may have committed some, uh... light... treason.